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did you feel guilty if you ERed before spouse?
Old 07-10-2008, 06:45 AM   #1
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did you feel guilty if you ERed before spouse?

hmmm should i even entertain this thought? and if yes, how did you get over it?
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Old 07-10-2008, 07:00 AM   #2
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Thanks for raising this issue. DW and I are still a few years off but the bottom line is that she really does love what she is doing and I want to be done as soon as possible {I'm also 3 1/2 years older, 49 1/2, 46}. There seems to be no way we are going to plan on walking out at the same time.

We actually had this discussion at dinner last night and she says that she has no problem with me being done first but I don't know, my momma raised me using guilt as one of her weapons and it has stuck over the years.
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:01 AM   #3
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Not a bit. I pulled the plug 3 1/2 years ago. DW has finally switched to half time and will probably retire at the end of the year. I felt comfortable because it was clear (to me) that we had enough saved that we could both retire when I did. She wanted a little extra security and is 4 years younger than me so our years in the harness will match. I became her chauffeur after ER so I contributed to her work life.
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:02 AM   #4
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My wife and I discussed this at great length.
Communication is the key.
In our situation neither of us NEEDED to work. And it was clear that she could work or not as she liked.
She actually ended up with a new job with the same employer which was part time. It was something she wanted to do and was excited about it.
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:15 AM   #5
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I solved this dilemma by er'ing before I got married.
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:15 AM   #6
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I left work 3 yrs ago next month after I caught the boss in a lie. Negotiated leaving on my terms. DW made double my six figures so I always felt I just worked for Uncle Sam. I now take care of everything at home including cooking. DW still works 8 to 7 daily so she really appreciates my staying home. I still golf etc but just have to schedule properly. She has now less than 18 months to go for RE at 55 with health benefits plus more goodies. It is really tough for the changes in mega corp but the perks will be good if she holds on. It helped that I am three years older. It is like we both will have gotten out at the same age after a years severance.

BEST OF LUCK
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:36 AM   #7
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hmmm should i even entertain this thought? and if yes, how did you get over it?
So, you're learning that ER is one of life's biggest and most disruptive changes, and you want to have the two of you do it at the same time?

That sounds almost as painful as getting simultaneous root canals or his & hers plastic surgery.

Some things are better done together with mutual support-- like dieting or exercising or going on a tighter budget.

But as for ER, I think it's better doing it one at a time. One of you can blaze the trail and the other one can escape to work offer helpful suggestions like "Well, if this doesn't pan out you can always try a part-time job". The working spouse isn't going to complain if the cooking & laundry & cleaning is getting done.

Spouse actually left active duty for the drilling Reserves a year before I retired. Once she got a pay billet she worked 75-100 days a year but she had six months of solid time off before starting up again. By the time I stopped going to work we already knew what was a good idea and what wasn't.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:29 PM   #8
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My wire ER'ed first. Her job was more stressful than mine, and my income was higher, so it all makes sense. She got my total support (been married 28 years). I am still working part-time. This works out better than other people situation. We have several years to wind down, put in some last travel splurge while we still have some income, before we bring out the rocking chairs.

I forgot to answer for my wife (I don't have to ask her): "Just a little bit".

PS - We are same age.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:37 PM   #9
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My husband and I ER'd the same day. But I know I would have felt guilty if I had left first.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:51 PM   #10
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DW is 4 years older than me, and we both work full-time now. I fully expect that she'll stop working first (how much earlier remains to be seen, of course). I'll have zero issues with that arrangement - it'll actually lighten my load to have things like grocery shopping done during "working hours".
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Old 07-10-2008, 02:05 PM   #11
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Another vote here for how nice it is to have one spouse working less or not working at all and helping the other spouse out.

My husband left his company to start a consulting business and worked out of our home. For the first few years he kept very busy and the money was good, but as my career and salary took off, and we felt financially secure he lightened his load and started taking over a lot of the running of the household. By the time I was ready to retire, he had really only been working about 1/4 time for several years. It was great because my job was pretty demanding and stressful, and I didn't have to worry about home things.

When I was ready to retire though, I told him he should retire too so we could travel a lot. It hadn't really occurred to him, but I explained that I'd like to be able to travel a lot together. He still waited a couple of years to close up shop completely - we traveled to my heart's content in the meantime, but after a year he ended up working for several months so that he could sell all software rights to one of his clients.

I think it just goes to show you that many arrangements can work to both spouses benefits. A wife will love having a spouse at home if it means she doesn't have to pull as much of the home load. It definitely makes working MUCH easier. But both retired has huge benefits as well - when both are unencumbered by outside demands it's much easier to travel together, etc..

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Old 07-10-2008, 03:02 PM   #12
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Our "plan" (and you know how those usually fare) was for the DW to retire from teaching 3-4 years before me, but my former employer's ultimatum was "Your job is now in another city; move or take a package." "Bye." sez I. So I bailed out 4-5 years before I'd intended and she worked for another 3 years because she still liked what she was doing. And that's the key. Who's first & who's second really shouldn't matter; if one or the other of you wants to stay w&rk!ng, why not? If you can FIRE out of there, does it really matter who goes first?
Besides, DW got cooked meals, groceries shopped, the casa cleaned [most of the time] and a glass of wine when she walked in the door every day. And what's not to like about continuing to do what you like doing?
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Old 07-10-2008, 03:06 PM   #13
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but my former employer's ultimatum was "Your job is now in another city; move or take a package."
My wife's employer was about to lay-off people reporting to her, and wanted to ship her to India for 3-6 months to train workers there. It was sad because she loved people working for her, and that feeling was mutual. Of course, she said "hell no I won't go". The rest is history.

PS. I hasten to add that the company was bleeding money and had no choice. It was all very sad.
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Old 07-10-2008, 04:23 PM   #14
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It's difficult for me to consider this question, because I wouldn't consider myself FIRE'd if my wife NEEDED to work.

Our expenses are "ours", and we don't divide them up into "his" and "hers" expenses, with each paying for our own share. Housing, food, healthcare, our single car, travel ... all of that stuff is "ours". Apart from some individual "fun money", which is a relatively tiny amount, we don't really have individual expenses.

So I wouldn't really ever look at it as "Can I FIRE?" - it's "Can we FIRE?"

Now, if we reach the point where we're financially ready to FIRE, but my spouse wants to work for whatever reason (she likes it, she wants more fun money for a hobby of hers, etc.) then I'd have no problem being FIRE'd while she continued to work. But I'd never FIRE and expect her to keep "pulling her weight" with our common expenses. We just don't work that way.
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Old 07-10-2008, 06:19 PM   #15
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Our "plan" (and you know how those usually fare) was for the DW to retire from teaching 3-4 years before me, but my former employer's ultimatum was "Your job is now in another city; move or take a package." "Bye." sez I. So I bailed out 4-5 years before I'd intended and she worked for another 3 years because she still liked what she was doing. And that's the key. Who's first & who's second really shouldn't matter; if one or the other of you wants to stay w&rk!ng, why not? If you can FIRE out of there, does it really matter who goes first?
Besides, DW got cooked meals, groceries shopped, the casa cleaned [most of the time] and a glass of wine when she walked in the door every day. And what's not to like about continuing to do what you like doing?
It is a wonderful thing when people can renegotiate based on reality and love.
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:48 PM   #16
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DW made double my six figures so I always felt I just worked for Uncle Sam.
Sweet! If my wife made 12 figures I'd have her work for a couple months. Then we'd really be set.

Harley
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Old 07-10-2008, 09:50 PM   #17
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I had been thinking about leaving my job for several months. DH and I worked for the same MegaCorp, so he knew the bs factor very well. We were in good financial shape, but I had a very difficult time calling it quits. Part of it was guilt...I knew that he would have to keep working for a few more years, but I was so miserable. Finally one day, I said enough is enough. He grinned and said, well it's about time!

Goodbye guilt.
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Old 07-11-2008, 11:18 AM   #18
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Our target is an amount not a timeframe, so yes.
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