Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 05-06-2013, 01:04 PM   #41
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Keim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Moscow
Posts: 1,128
I have never spoken of specific amounts with family. Though my brother and I have occasionally spoken about investing strategies. We are vastly different. His family makes a good chunk more than mine, and also lives an obviously upper middle class lifestyle. Older, but nice home in a "desirable" neighborhood. Buys new cars. I appear VERY much lower middle class, with a modest home and older cars. One day he was talking about refinancing his house. "You should consider a re-fi too, Bro." I had just paid off my home that year. I. Couldn't. Resist. Telling. Him.

The look on his face was memorable.
__________________

__________________
You can't enlighten the unconscious.
But you can hit'em upside the head a few times to make sure they are really out...
Keim is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 05-06-2013, 01:19 PM   #42
Full time employment: Posting here.
Calico's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 927
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lagniappe View Post
This depends completely on family dynamics, and every family is different.

Telling my mother anything about my finances has always resulted in requests from other family members for money......Years ago, Mom was worried that I was taking a few months off to travel. I told her not to worry, and mentioned that I had received an unexpected tax refund of $7.3K. A few weeks later, my sister called with an urgent request for exactly $7.3K....
Wow - what an amazing coincidence that your sister had an urgent need for exactly the amount you had received. I think we share a sister.

My parents are long gone, and I will never share details of my financial situation with my two sisters. They would appear on my doorstep (at the speed of light) with outstretched hands.

The only family member I share (general) financial information with is a younger relative, whose net worth is about ten times mine. I am proud of her hard work, and she is proud of mine. She is constantly getting hit up for money by her in-laws and other relatives, and I keep reminding her that she earned her money by working multiple jobs for years, and she does not have to function as the family bank.
__________________

__________________
Calico is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 02:12 PM   #43
Dryer sheet wannabe
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 23
We do not. With my parents, the running joke is "if I'm not asking for money, you can assume I'm doing ok." My parents don't need to know specific amounts, just that our butts are covered.

As for the inlaws....good lord. Years and years ago when Mr. Sassy landed his first job out of college, he told his mom his salary and that spread like wildfire through the rest of the family. Ticked him off and he learned his lesson. Never again. Not to mention I've been to enough of his family gatherings and have learned an awful lot about his cousins' spouses' finances, as in this CIL inherited $1M when her dad passed away, this CIL's spouse paid off his multi-million $$ business loan in X years, etc., etc. In this case it's a game of one upmanship from his mother, 2 aunts, and grandmother. It's so annoying, I don't even want to discuss how much I paid for a tank of gas.

Now, interestingly, Mr. Sassy knows more about my parents' situation than his own due to my folks going over all their estate planning with me years ago. And, take note, only recently did my dad express regret for letting us kids know how much we could expect for inheritance. Turns out my sister's ex-husband went after her "potential" inheritance during the divorce process as he thought he was entitled to a chunk of it, never mind the fact that my parents were and are alive and kicking. A real winner there, he was....
__________________
Sassy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 04:29 PM   #44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,709
Funny story: Friend of mine had a brother who was clearly the most favored. Parents were also incredibly clueless.

When my buddy drove up the drive in a band new Rolls Royce, his mom's response was "oh...its the same color as your brother's new Toyota; have you seen his Toyota?! It's so nice...." (mom had no idea that she was looking at a RR)

This guy was the Senior VP of a nationwide sandwich company...mom told everyone "he works in a sub shop". Never occurred to her to wonder how he was living a legitimate $500+K lifestyle on a sub shop worker's pay.
__________________
Living well is the best revenge!
Retired @ 52 in 2005
marko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 05:14 PM   #45
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego
Posts: 283
I'm very open about my salary and savings to my mom, partly because I don't want her to worry about my finances, and partly so she knows that we should be in a situation to help her if needed. I also know that she wouldn't take advantage of me, I still have to fight to buy her lunch.
I also know her situation pretty well, and am trying to help her develop a budget and a withdrawal strategy. She'll be getting out of the business my dad built within the next year, and she'll be able to get survivors benefits from social security that looks like it'll pay her basic expenses. She's kinda surprised that DH and I are talking about retirement, but she also worries about my brother and SIL that make more than DH and I, and seem to spend a large portion of their money.
__________________
Office Space
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
meekie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 05:21 PM   #46
Moderator
rodi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 8,817
This is an interesting thread in so many ways.

My parents are both dead - but they knew we were saving hard, and living well below our means, and on track to be able to retire. My dad was a total LBYMs kind of guy. So he was proud that after some missteps in my 20's - I got the memo and got with the saving/LBYM plan.

My sister and her husband have similar income but have a lot of inheritance (his side). They aren't LBYM's - but have the nest egg to cover income shortfalls.

My brother was always on the verge of bankruptcy. When he died 5.5 years ago his estate was worth about $30k when the dust settled. not a lot for a 49 year old.

My husband's family is a whole nother thing.

His mom is the matriarch - but unfortunately is dealing with dementia. She's the QUEEN of LBYM, having grown up in hard times during the depression and raised 6 kids on my FIL's blue collar salary. Since my husband has been granted guardianship of both parents last month, he's trying to establish their finances/net worth. She is ANGRY about this, and obstructing every step of the way. She calls him daily to yell at him. And since her memory is going - sometimes she calls more than once a day - when she remembers/realizes anew that he is taking over her finances. She's particularly angry that he's learning her net worth. Think's it's none of his business.

DH's family lived with us 1/2 the year for the previous 5 years - well before she started showing signs of dementia. She knew we were comfortable, and was proud of that. She knew we had the assets to build the detached casita they lived in, without borrowing money. She didn't know the details of our finances, but knew we were ok and were savers.
__________________
rodi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 05:28 PM   #47
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
heeyy_joe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Madeira Beach Fl
Posts: 1,403
I told my Mother and when I did she said "In the stock market, are you crazy?" We didn't talk about it after that. Depression child, orphan. Couldn't get her to open a checking account until she started collecting social security. When I worked in the banking business she thought I had gone over to the dark side.
__________________
_______________________________________________
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do" --Bob Dylan.
heeyy_joe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 05:44 PM   #48
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 241
My parents are dead - would be proud of where we are. MIL is only parent left, and I would never share info with her. She is financially illiterate and fortunately has a good planner that is taking care of her. She might resent the fact that we have three times as much as she does (I know what she has, from helping out with her husband's estate.) Her other child is struggling financially, has made some terrible decisions. My sense is she has no idea of how much we have - she may even think that we are struggling, since we LBOM - few obvious signs of wealth....and I plan to leave it that way.
__________________
MDJO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 05:45 PM   #49
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
obgyn65's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: midwestern city
Posts: 4,061
I do not discuss my personal financial matters with any colleague, patient or family member. This website is the only place where I feel comfortable enough to discuss my finances with like-minded people.
__________________
Very conservative with investments. Not ER'd yet, 48 years old. Please do not take anything I write or imply as legal, financial or medical advice directed to you. Contact your own financial advisor, healthcare provider, or attorney for financial, medical and legal advice.
obgyn65 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 05:48 PM   #50
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 241
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keim View Post
I have never spoken of specific amounts with family. Though my brother and I have occasionally spoken about investing strategies. We are vastly different. His family makes a good chunk more than mine, and also lives an obviously upper middle class lifestyle. Older, but nice home in a "desirable" neighborhood. Buys new cars. I appear VERY much lower middle class, with a modest home and older cars. One day he was talking about refinancing his house. "You should consider a re-fi too, Bro." I had just paid off my home that year. I. Couldn't. Resist. Telling. Him.

The look on his face was memorable.

Reminds me of that old saying "Do you want to look rich, or be rich?"
__________________
MDJO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 06:04 PM   #51
Administrator
Gumby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 10,163
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arifriekinel View Post
we want to know that they still love us, to help us and guide us, and when we're up, we want them to be proud that they've done well in that guidance and proud of us and happy for us.
I gave that up when I was about 13. So, no, I would never disclose anything about finances to my parents. They know we have a big old house in a nice neighborhood and what they perceive to be good paying careers, but that's it.
__________________
Living an analog life in the Digital Age.
Gumby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 06:09 PM   #52
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Keim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Moscow
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by MDJO View Post
Reminds me of that old saying "Do you want to look rich, or be rich?"
Agreed. Though I have to add that I'm sure he lives at least a little below his means. I am sure he has his eye on the ball. But his means are higher than mine!
__________________
You can't enlighten the unconscious.
But you can hit'em upside the head a few times to make sure they are really out...
Keim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 06:55 PM   #53
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,693
We keep our finances to ourselves. Our parents, when living, only knew that we were comfortable. Our childen, in laws, and assorted relatives have no idea of our financial situation.

We have been asked about our financial position in the past but always answer in the oblique. We have also declined to invest in a BIL's business-by way of a large mortgage. Never good to do business with those closely related to you. At best, it ends in tears. At worst it ends a relationship.

This is how we prefer it and it is not an uncommon attitude with people from my tribe....Scottish Presbyterians. We cannot help ourselves!
__________________
brett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 07:14 PM   #54
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Ready's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,829
We never discuss specific figures with any family members. Even still, we have had family members come out of the woodwork asking us to invest in their business schemes, asking for loans, or just asking for donations. Imagine how much more it would increase if they knew our actual numbers.

I think you open yourself up to unwanted attention when you disclose this information, and I'm not sure what it accomplishes. Share your figures anonymously in this forum for feedback and kudos on how you are doing. It's much safe than disclosing such personal information to people you are closest to.
__________________
Ready is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 07:22 PM   #55
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 265
I never shared my net worth or salary with my mother even when she asked. While I would have been fine with her knowing the amounts, I knew that she would tell other people who really had no business knowing. What little she did know about my finances she did tend to "over share."
__________________
FIYes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 07:41 PM   #56
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 686
yes, saves my dad from asking the question, and it provides some rationale to why I am retiring early. We have always talked openly about money - his and mine.
__________________
48Fire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 07:55 PM   #57
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 1,577
Personally I would not. Obviously, you know your parents and are best placed to judge their reactions but unless you are very confident that you will get the reaction you want, why take the risk of getting the wrong reaction?

If I wanted to let my parents know that we were doing well, I might indirectly let them know by asking for advice on investments without specifying the amount involved. It could be as simple about asking whether it is better to make early repayments on the mortgage or invest. A few of these conversations over time will convey the right message without needing to disclose specifics.
__________________
Budgeting is a skill practised by people who are bad at politics.
traineeinvestor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 08:06 PM   #58
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
MooreBonds's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 2,091
I agree that because there are unique family situations and dynamics, this specific topic is very different from family to family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Retire44 View Post
My father is a successful entrepreneur himself, in a completely different line of work. In high school, there were times when I think he doubted my work ethic (but I found something I love to do and I do it very well) and I have this nagging inside me to share with him how successful we have been at saving, investing and planning. They know very well that we have been fortunate, worked hard, have no debt, etc. We get a nice Christmas check each year from my parents, and they always make sure that they do things evenly for me and my siblings, so I don't really fear or think it would change anything along those lines as my siblings have each had their own success and are doing well.

My parents own their own business and dad is very "numbers" driven and something in me wants that validation of sharing with him as I think he would be astounded that we had 2.3m in investments.
Because you said that your father is a successful entrepreneur himself, is numbers-driven, AND because you say that you think he 'doubted your work ethic' (but what parent hasn't? ) and that you entered a completely different line of work, I have a feeling that he would be impressed with your fiscal accomplishments.

However, I wouldn't necessarily do it over dinner. Perhaps just start out by bring up a general finance topic. Maybe talk about something that was posted on the ER forum, and say "Hey dad, I read this story/comment on this early retirement forum I visit a lot....". It would naturally lead into a topic of "ER??!? Why the heck would you be reading an ER forum?" Or, just simply start talking about investments, and some stock you recently bought, and ask him if he had any good investment ideas lately.

You could eventually arrive at simply asking him "so how much do you think I'm worth?"

Given what you've said, he'd probably guess low, at which case you could mention the approximate number. My guess is he'd take a stab at a cool million, since many people have a hard time adjusting to income growth, and still think it would take as long to reach a million with today's higher incomes versus when they were starting out.
__________________
Dryer sheets Schmyer sheets
MooreBonds is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2013, 08:36 PM   #59
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
John Galt III's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,285
My parents recently asked my net worth. I said "OK, I'll tell you if you promise to keep it confidential" "Yes, Yes!" So I told them. My Dad, who is getting forgetful, blabbed it the very next day to my gf.
__________________
John Galt III is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-07-2013, 10:10 AM   #60
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: San Jose
Posts: 607
My Dad died when I was young, but my Mom lived into her 80's and just recently passed a few years ago. I had a very close relationship with her, and managed her finances.

I could tell my Mom anything, and be assured she wouldn't leak it to my siblings. She could do the same with things she told me.

Anytime I had major financial news in my life, I would tell her. She was very aware of me losing everything when I pursued real estate, and then had to move back to California and do IT work.

Sadly, she won't be around to share the good news if this company I'm at "makes it" and I'm able to FIRE in a couple years. But if she were, I'd share the news with her.

I would not, however, share numbers with my sisters. I don't think any good could come of that, especially given that some of them have their own children who are coming of age in the working world and might be looking for assistance (ie, handouts).
__________________

__________________
LoneAspen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:43 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.