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Old 10-04-2015, 03:46 PM   #21
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Best to you Salaryman: My 2 cents:

- Do your best (with the assistance of your therapist perhaps) to allow your children to grow up knowing that they can have healthy relationships. They are observing you and your ex carefully.
- You do not have to wait 10 years or whatever to enjoy life. Enjoy it to the fullest now; accept a new normal.
- This early part is the toughest emotional journey, in time you will feel a lot better - a whole lot.

Best wishes, Rich
Rich, much appreciate the wise words. Kids absolutely comes first, and I am betting that I can overcome the negativity of the situation.

Have some big goals next year after I pay off the lawyers. This includes a dream trip my kids and my parents to see some European cities and watch some football games there. My Ex did not allow my kids to be with my family nor travel abroad. Trying to be civil about all this, but she really was not a nice person.

Will take your advice to heart.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:02 PM   #22
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Yes, 100%. My dad left everything to my mother to handle, never helping with child support or college tuition for my brother and me, or anything. Now we talk to him a few times a year but there's a distance that will just not be able to be overcome. A postponed retirement and a buttoned lip about your ex in front of your kids seems far more than worth it if it ensures your children respect you for the rest of your life. My two cents.


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Old 10-04-2015, 04:27 PM   #23
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I know exactly what you are going through, so sorry but as you said, the alternative is worse. I left my first wife when I was 42. Married almost 20 years. Gave her everything. I literally walked with my clothes and my career. It was terrible. Daughter was 8 years old. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. What followed was 15 years of bitter litigation. Only finalized in 2007 after I retired. Every time my career advanced she took me back for more money.

Been happily married to a wonderful woman, my second and last wife, for over 20 years. Have a great relationship with daughter who is now 31 and just married to a great guy.

From a financial perspective, even though I pay an outrageous amount of alimony and will until she dies, we are FI and I was able to retire at 56. Conclusion: it was worth it, was able to rebuild my life, financials worked out but took a few years to get back on my feet. Key was maintaining my relationship with my daughter. Hope things work out for you. Good luck.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:29 PM   #24
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Yes, 100%. My dad left everything to my mother to handle, never helping with child support or college tuition for my brother and me, or anything. Now we talk to him a few times a year but there's a distance that will just not be able to be overcome. A postponed retirement and a buttoned lip about your ex in front of your kids seems far more than worth it if it ensures your children respect you for the rest of your life. My two cents.


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Markola, I'm not an absentee dad. It's the opposite. Part of the dysfunction came from the fact that I was prevented from being the involved parent that I was. I raised the kids when she went to school and then worked night shifts. Recently had to take heavier jobs requiring more travel which made it harder for me to connect.
Now it's in the agreement how much involvement that I am entitled to.

If by some miracle and a bus runs over her, am more than willing to be a single parent. That said, I shouldn't harbor such unchristian thoughts.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:31 PM   #25
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My friends have standing orders to slap me senselessly if I even consider such a stoopid thing.



As for the other comment, I did consider procreating and popping out kids indiscriminately with my newfound situation.

Not nice to be snarky at someone's expense. Karma is a biaatch.

Been in your situation before myself. Each day gets better. Focus on all the positives you have and you will be fine. Don't be offended by Ha's comment. He has been in same situation as we both have. His advise has been consistent in this matter for all the time I have been on this forum. His input my be worded uniquely, but I don't think his intention is to be snarky as he has been in the same boat with us. And like me, he has never remarried staying the "girlfriend route". Eight years and counting for me. She has a diamond from me, but it is a "right hand" diamond ring.


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Old 10-04-2015, 04:37 PM   #26
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Harsh but accurate.

Starting over in your 20's is one thing but starting over in your 40's and later increases the degree of difficulty. The bet just gets bigger.
Disagree. I re-married in my early 40s, and it's the best decision I ever made. My advice is don't remarry until you understand exactly why the first marriage failed, so the mistake is not repeated.

An additional observation: In most of the divorce threads I've read over the years, there's an underlying assumption that the man is the primary breadwinner, so the divorce will involve transferring large amounts of money from the man to the woman. But there are many cases where this assumption is not correct.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:43 PM   #27
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Been in your situation before myself. Each day gets better. Focus on all the positives you have and you will be fine. Don't be offended by Ha's comment. He has been in same situation as we both have. His advise has been consistent in this matter for all the time I have been on this forum. His input my be worded uniquely, but I don't think his intention is to be snarky as he has been in the same boat with us. And like me, he has never remarried staying the "girlfriend route". Eight years and counting for me. She has a diamond from me, but it is a "right hand" diamond ring.


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Thanks for the clarification Mulligan, guess I took it wrong based on my sensitivity. Never thought I'd be joining the unhappy fraternity.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:45 PM   #28
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I know exactly what you are going through, so sorry but as you said, the alternative is worse. I left my first wife when I was 42. Married almost 20 years. Gave her everything. I literally walked with my clothes and my career. It was terrible. Daughter was 8 years old. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. What followed was 15 years of bitter litigation. Only finalized in 2007 after I retired. Every time my career advanced she took me back for more money.

Been happily married to a wonderful woman, my second and last wife, for over 20 years. Have a great relationship with daughter who is now 31 and just married to a great guy.

From a financial perspective, even though I pay an outrageous amount of alimony and will until she dies, we are FI and I was able to retire at 56. Conclusion: it was worth it, was able to rebuild my life, financials worked out but took a few years to get back on my feet. Key was maintaining my relationship with my daughter. Hope things work out for you. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing such heartbreak with me. Am hoping that it would not be as that bad for me but one never knows. I agree with you, keep focus on the important people......kids me and family.
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:49 PM   #29
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My advice is don't remarry until you understand exactly why the first marriage failed, so the mistake is not repeated.
Exactly. I also remarried and am happy that I did. I've often said that I wouldn't appreciate her as much as I do if I hadn't been through the divorce. My older sister is also 30+ years into her second marriage.

When I mentioned to her that I'd read somewhere that 70% of second marriages fail her response was "Those are the ones who didn't learn anything the first time".
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Old 10-04-2015, 04:52 PM   #30
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Thanks for the clarification Mulligan, guess I took it wrong based on my sensitivity. Never thought I'd be joining the unhappy fraternity.

Salaryman, It will get better hang in there! As for the women....I am actually in agreement with Which Roger. Although I have never remarried and its been 15 years, I wouldn't preclude it. My GF of 8 years is in no hurry either. But I would never rule it out with her. We are neither in the "procreation" part of our life, but we have lingering offspring not quite on their own financially. For both our mental healths, we would prefer and wait and not have a "Brady Bunch" adventure! But hey, that is way down the road for you now and of little importance. But believe me, you will have opportunities down the road when you are ready!


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Old 10-04-2015, 04:56 PM   #31
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Ha is not being snarky. He is concerned about women who sneakily become pregnant in order to trick men into marrying them; something which does happen now and then. He also does not believe in any man's giving marriage a second chance, because he does not think it would work out for him.

Ha's advice is sincere and it usually tends to assume certain things about men and women. It's as if I were to advise men who've been burned, to look for honest women with their own boobs and hair (i.e., someone like me). I would be implicitly assuming you were lured into marrying an incompatible woman because she flaunted big boobs and hair extensions. And I could be very wrong about that.

Take care...

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My friends have standing orders to slap me senselessly if I even consider such a stoopid thing.

As for the other comment, I did consider procreating and popping out kids indiscriminately with my newfound situation.
Not nice to be snarky at someone's expense. Karma is a biaatch.
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Old 10-04-2015, 05:25 PM   #32
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Salaryman, I don't know what state your divorce will be filed, but spousal support (one payment,alimony and child support), instead of alimony and separate child support is certainly fully tax deductible, whereas just alimony is in the latter case.

Bear in mind, spousal support goes on until the ex marries or dies (even after the kids turn 18/finish high school), while separate child support ends at 18 or when the child finishes high school, whichever is later.

I know this sounds confusing, but make sure you understand the arrangement differences from a tax deduction standpoint and when payments end.
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:04 PM   #33
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An additional observation: In most of the divorce threads I've read over the years, there's an underlying assumption that the man is the primary breadwinner, so the divorce will involve transferring large amounts of money from the man to the woman. But there are many cases where this assumption is not correct.

Absolutely. My first husband had negative net worth due to maxed-out credit cards and no savings when I met him. It didn't get any better after the marriage. When current DH and I married, we moved halfway across the country for my job and he filed for SS since he'd just turned 65.

We'd dated for 6 years, though, and I knew he was an honest man and definitely held the LBYM philosophy.
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:11 PM   #34
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Salaryman, I don't know what state your divorce will be filed, but spousal support (one payment,alimony and child support), instead of alimony and separate child support is certainly fully tax deductible, whereas just alimony is in the latter case.

Bear in mind, spousal support goes on until the ex marries or dies (even after the kids turn 18/finish high school), while separate child support ends at 18 or when the child finishes high school, whichever is later.

I know this sounds confusing, but make sure you understand the arrangement differences from a tax deduction standpoint and when payments end.
It's in NY. Already on the same page with kind of payment that I would tolerate more.
Neither case it will likely be a big payment due to the fact that I make much more and did too good a job in saving/investing over the years.
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:30 PM   #35
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Ha is not being snarky. He is concerned about women who sneakily become pregnant in order to trick men into marrying them; something which does happen now and then. He also does not believe in any man's giving marriage a second chance, because he does not think it would work out for him.

Ha's advice is sincere and it usually tends to assume certain things about men and women. It's as if I were to advise men who've been burned, to look for honest women with their own boobs and hair (i.e., someone like me). I would be implicitly assuming you were lured into marrying an incompatible woman because she flaunted big boobs and hair extensions. And I could be very wrong about that.

Take care...
You are not wrong. Big fake and silicone will do me in in my current weakened state. I will look into the procedure after all.

Not that I would jump into it right away, would be nice to be with someone who shares my philosophy of LBMY and the golden rule. No rush.
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:34 PM   #36
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Finalizing details on divorce in NY, multiple kids in their early/pre teens. Looking at at least another 13 years before 5k/month payments are done . Earned/saved my money early before marriage and college tuition already saved, so at least it's not a total loss.

Was looking at ER in 5, now more like 10 years+..
It's a heavy heavy price (not considering the emotional damage for kids), but it's better than the alternative. I should be able to bounce back and grind thru this like all other life's challenges, but it's a big blow to digest.
Have a good career and can expect to make more, but it's very very stressful and killing me (regulatory compliance/big banks).

Wondering if others have some words of wisdom for me, personally or financially speaking.

Ouch. Well I have no comment on the divorce as I have not been married so far. I will however add that your job has to be a nightmare. Regulatory compliance sounds like "fall guy" to me... Good luck trying to reign in bankers from doing some dodgy financial stuff. I seriously doubt the incentive to hug (cross over) the ethical/legal lines has changed much since 2007...

I still own zero bank stocks since 2007. May never buy any ever again.

P.S. I'd definitely try to find some way to de-stress. You might want to buy one of those arm thingies to monitor your blood pressure (no joke). Good luck!
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:40 PM   #37
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And as Jerry Reed once said, "We split it down the middle, and she got the better half." That's how it is especially when you have kids.

When the marriage is over, it's over. And all parties then have to realize that then the rest of the divorce is a "business arrangement." It's an investment (partnership) in finishing to raise the children.

Be honest. Do what you say. Be where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there. Don't talk about your ex-spouse to the kids. Live by The Agreement.

There will still be plenty of time to Early Retire. Just not quite as soon as you'd originally planned.

Oh, yea! Cancel every joint charge card and consumer debt immediately.
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:44 PM   #38
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Just hang in there. I got divorced in my early 40's, with a young kid and she got a nice alimony package. I was bummed for awhile but now that the years have passed, I fully recognize it was the right thing for me and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

I did get clipped But I also did get remarried and my new marriage is FANTASTIC! My current wife is supportive and kind and beautiful and sexy and good with money and I could go on and on. Suffice it to say I did a much better job the second time around.

I was able to retire last year at age 55. My wife was a big factor in that. I recall being depressed one day looking at my 401k--it was a decent number but not where I wanted/thought I would be. Then my new wife said, well I have x amount in mine---and I suddenly realized that the old dream of retiring early wasn't dead after all! In fact we were able to hit it even earlier as she was a prodigious saver and wanted the same thing. When you have two fairly large incomes and BOTH people have the same goal you can save a lot of money very quickly!

So don't give up, and don't give up on marriage (regardless of some members here who aren't fond of it!). With the right person it can work and I do wish you luck!
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:46 PM   #39
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Scar tissue is stronger and more durable than normal tissue. Embrace that and move into your new life.
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Old 10-04-2015, 07:16 PM   #40
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Just posting to say I'm sorry you're going through all this. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you'll do well. Thankfully child support payments are temporary, and you've still got good family in your children.

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