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Old 10-04-2015, 07:58 PM   #41
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I was always told, rather than get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Never heard that one.
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:24 PM   #42
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[QUOTE=ESRwannabe;1641297]Ouch. Well I have no comment on the divorce as I have not been married so far. I will however add that your job has to be a nightmare. Regulatory compliance sounds like "fall guy" to me... Good luck trying to rein in bankers from doing some dodgy financial stuff. I seriously doubt the incentive to hug (cross over) the ethical/legal lines has changed much since 2007...
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:34 PM   #43
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And as Jerry Reed once said, "We split it down the middle, and she got the better half." That's how it is especially when you have kids.

When the marriage is over, it's over. And all parties then have to realize that then the rest of the divorce is a "business arrangement." It's an investment (partnership) in finishing to raise the children.

Be honest. Do what you say. Be where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there. Don't talk about your ex-spouse to the kids. Live by The Agreement.

There will still be plenty of time to Early Retire. Just not quite as soon as you'd originally planned.

Oh, yea! Cancel every joint charge card and consumer debt immediately.
You betcha.
Have carried her all this time including credit that she still runs up that I pay for. Trying not to be negative, but I spend everything I earn supporting her and the family lifestyle while her income goes into a black hole.

I've already moved on emotionally; if anybody will snipe and throw shade, it won't be me. I fully intend to live up to the agreement, it'll be much harder for the ex.

Once its final, ex will not be happy on many many levels. It'll hit home when her CC charges bounce and it states "transaction denied, card cancelled".
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:36 PM   #44
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Fall guy, sacrificial lamb, coal mine canary, bulls eye; all of the above. Been at this since 2006 and was in the belly of the beast during 08 (Bear Stearns alumni). Believe me, bankers will never be truly reigned in no matter what. There are just too many ways to skin a cat and the smartest of them are already back doing it and thriving (GS, JPM, Private Equity, Hedgies).

Great suggestion on the blood pressure monitor, will check it out.

Please tell me you are ok with Wells Fargo... I only own one bank preferred stock and its Wells... And I would like to here from a bank guy that its safer than the rest!


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Old 10-04-2015, 08:37 PM   #45
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Never heard that one.
that's a new one.
I did hear that corny C&W song that goes "all my ex's live in Texas".

Also, not sure why but all the songs on radio seem to sing about breakups, heartbreak, moving on etc. Hearing alot of Kelly Clarkson and Pink.
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:53 PM   #46
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Please tell me you are ok with Wells Fargo... I only own one bank preferred stock and its Wells... And I would like to here from a bank guy that its safer than the rest!

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I follow Jim Cramer and if it makes you feel any better, Cramer loves Wells Fargo.
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Old 10-04-2015, 09:12 PM   #47
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Please tell me you are ok with Wells Fargo... I only own one bank preferred stock and its Wells... And I would like to here from a bank guy that its safer than the rest!


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WF is fine. Does not have the most aggressive portfolio and product mix.
Be wary of that blowhard Cramer. Take what he (and other talking heads as well) says with a grain of salt. Just because he yells louder doesn't make him more right. Your opinion is as valid as his.
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:42 PM   #48
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Scar tissue is stronger and more durable than normal tissue. Embrace that and move into your new life.
Amen to that.
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:59 PM   #49
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My friends have standing orders to slap me senselessly if I even consider such a stoopid thing.

As for the other comment, I did consider procreating and popping out kids indiscriminately with my newfound situation.
Not nice to be snarky at someone's expense. Karma is a biaatch.
Not exactly sure what you mean by this. But if it refers to me, I was not being snarky, but giving the only all season realistic advice that might help. Your state has some very harsh child support regulations. You did ask for advice; it's the last time I will respond to your posts. Adios

Ha
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Old 10-04-2015, 11:44 PM   #50
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Not exactly sure what you mean by this. But if it refers to me, I was not being snarky, but giving the only all season realistic advice that might help. Your state has some very harsh child support regulations. You did ask for advice; it's the last time I will respond to your posts. Adios

Ha
I misunderstood your post. Was pretty harsh but your friends all stated that this was not meant to be mean spirited. I apologize.
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Old 10-05-2015, 01:49 AM   #51
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I was happily-married for 20 years but did not get separated until 26 years (after the marriage of my first-born). Paid alimony for 10 years and deferred ER for 5 years. The early years were rough. My new GF wondered why I took so much crap from the kids. I said "Because it will be worth it!" and it has been. Now have 5 Grandchildren from both sons. Been with the new DW for 20 years. Been retired for 12 years. All good now.

The alternative would have been a life sentence. My friends said at the time "Why not just have an affair?" I said "You don't understand me!"

I did get a set of new friends though. That was one of the impacts I did not anticipate. Probably the hardest one. I think the old friends who were couples felt threatened by my bolt to freedom. I also relocated which made it harder, although most of the friends have also relocated to retirement-friendly cities.

Good luck with your transition. This too shall pass! And remember that money never buys happiness.
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Old 10-05-2015, 08:58 AM   #52
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I will however add that your job has to be a nightmare. Regulatory compliance sounds like "fall guy" to me... Good luck trying to reign in bankers from doing some dodgy financial stuff. I seriously doubt the incentive to hug (cross over) the ethical/legal lines has changed much since 2007...

I still own zero bank stocks since 2007. May never buy any ever again.
Warning: major diversion coming. Can't let a bank reference go without commenting.

Yes, compliance at a bank is a tough job. I was a senior exec at a Canadian bank, and we certainly appreciated the need and worth of these jobs. Early in my career I spent 6 years in the bank's internal audit department. So I know a bit about controls and exec incentives.

I did very well with my bank shares, most of which I still own. Also, would agree that the banking environment in the two countries is different. The bank that I worked for has a large presence in the U.S. though so I know both environments. Canada has designed a much more effective regulatory regime as evidenced by the comparative performance of the 2 systems in 2008-2009.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:04 AM   #53
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I was happily-married for 20 years but did not get separated until 26 years (after the marriage of my first-born). Paid alimony for 10 years and deferred ER for 5 years. The early years were rough. My new GF wondered why I took so much crap from the kids. I said "Because it will be worth it!" and it has been. Now have 5 Grandchildren from both sons. Been with the new DW for 20 years. Been retired for 12 years. All good now.

The alternative would have been a life sentence. My friends said at the time "Why not just have an affair?" I said "You don't understand me!"

I did get a set of new friends though. That was one of the impacts I did not anticipate. Probably the hardest one. I think the old friends who were couples felt threatened by my bolt to freedom. I also relocated which made it harder, although most of the friends have also relocated to retirement-friendly cities.

Good luck with your transition. This too shall pass! And remember that money never buys happiness.
Kcowen,
I stayed in it for 15 years because of what I thought it help the kids when I knew 10 years ago that this would not work.
As a matter of fact, family and close friends who knew of mysituation have not understood why I stayed in til now.
If I was allowed to live my own life within the confines of this Union it may have been maybe possible but as you rightly point out its a life sentence.
At this point, I have all the friends that I need having been blessed with a great support group. Between the career, visiting the kids (I work in west coast, kids are in Ny), caregiving part time for older parents there isn't much time for hanging out in bars or other things that gay divorcees do.
Basically taking care of things and grinding it out for a better future ahead.
I am heartened by your story of personal fulfillment and success. It's something that I will be striving for. The marriage should be between two people that care for, nurture and fulfill each other's lives. Not make money for other to spend and cut out having meaningful personal relationships between spouses And with kids. She moved her mom and family 5 mins of the house I moved to after I tried to separate them so that we could have an independent life away from them. Ultimately I was just a rich enabler and a patsy.
Being with someone good and having a real relationship like you have with your DW is something that I will strive for whether married or not.

Thanks for your story and compassion. I really appreciate it.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:29 AM   #54
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Please tell me you are ok with Wells Fargo... I only own one bank preferred stock and its Wells... And I would like to here from a bank guy that its safer than the rest!


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If I were to trust any of them Well Fargo would be at the top of the list. Berkshire Hathaway owns like 25% of WFC. I trust them to keep a close eye on it and not let them do anything too stupid.

I don't trust the banks but I do trust Warren Buffet to look out for his best interests.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:29 AM   #55
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The early years were rough. My new GF wondered why I took so much crap from the kids. I said "Because it will be worth it!" and it has been.

The alternative would have been a life sentence.

And remember that money never buys happiness.
Same boat, Keith. Really was tough for me to manage the daughter/new wife relationship. Old wife tried to sabotage it right from the start. Daughter wouldn't meet new wife for 8 years. The have a great relationship now so was certainly worth it putting up with mega crap.

Also, no matter how much we had to pay her, old wife will never be happy. While we are very happy whatever the monetary price has been. I have to admit though that in the beginning, after some of the court judgements, I wasn't sure how we're we're going to pay her. Forced a LBYM lifestyle on us (at least compared to our incomes) that really paid off in the end. I ended up paying her more than actually necessary but I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror every morning knowing that I was always generous and honourable. Everything is very good now.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:33 AM   #56
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Warning: major diversion coming. Can't let a bank reference go without commenting.

Yes, compliance at a bank is a tough job. I was a senior exec at a Canadian bank, and we certainly appreciated the need and worth of these jobs. Early in my career I spent 6 years in the bank's internal audit department. So I know a bit about controls and exec incentives.

I did very well with my bank shares, most of which I still own. Also, would agree that the banking environment in the two countries is different. The bank that I worked for has a large presence in the U.S. though so I know both environments. Canada has designed a much more effective regulatory regime as evidenced by the comparative performance of the 2 systems in 2008-2009.
Glad to hear that you did well with stock and career. As for 2008, it still feels like yesterday.
OSFI vs FRB/FDIC/OCC wasn't really the main factor in my humble opinion, rather the risks were greater in the U.S.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:50 AM   #57
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OSFI vs FRB/FDIC/OCC wasn't really the main factor in my humble opinion, rather the risks were greater in the U.S.
Agree the risks were (are?) higher due to the structure of the U.S. mortgage market. But OSFI has always had a much better, more co-operative relationship with the Canadian banks than do the US regulators. I have had very direct dealings with both. The strict rules based system coupled with the "Find a loophole" response by management , along with a very litigious legal framework, is not optimal in my view. Even the Canadian political system makes it easier for our politicians to tighten up rules quickly if necessary.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:52 AM   #58
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You betcha.
Have carried her all this time including credit that she still runs up that I pay for. Trying not to be negative, but I spend everything I earn supporting her and the family lifestyle while her income goes into a black hole.

I've already moved on emotionally; if anybody will snipe and throw shade, it won't be me. I fully intend to live up to the agreement, it'll be much harder for the ex.

Once its final, ex will not be happy on many many levels. It'll hit home when her CC charges bounce and it states "transaction denied, card cancelled".
Amen, Brother! I was married when I got out of college for 4 years, and my (then) wife kept those credit cards up against the limits at all times. She really looked great in those fancy clothes, but she didn't know how to be happy.

Flash forward 40 years and her newest (of 3) husband is a used truck dealer. She's got him living in a 7,000 square foot $1 million+ house they cannot begin to afford. Her 20 year old college student son died of a drug overdose. The rest of her life will be completely miserable.

Happiness comes from the heart, and it should be easier to be happy with zero consumer debt vs. huge liabilities and interest charges hanging over their heads.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:56 AM   #59
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I don't think the answer is never to get married. The answer is a solid prenump agreement done by an specialized lawyer. I am getting married in February 2015 and will retire in December and our prenump is each on of us keeps what we have before and after, we pay no alimony. Ever. No kids thanks god.
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Old 10-05-2015, 10:09 AM   #60
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Amen, Brother! I was married when I got out of college for 4 years, and my (then) wife kept those credit cards up against the limits at all times. She really looked great in those fancy clothes, but she didn't know how to be happy.

Happiness comes from the heart, and it should be easier to be happy with zero consumer debt vs. huge liabilities and interest charges hanging over their heads.
Same experience here. During my first marriage finances were a key point of contention. Once separated I paid all her bills off and after almost 25 years, and a very generous amount of alimony, I think she has her finances in good shape. Multimillion dollar house no debt (I think). Still doesn't seem happy, maybe because I (we) have done better. Don't really care, not my problem.
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