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Old 10-05-2015, 11:28 AM   #61
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FYI, I find autonomous sensory meridian response a.k.a. "ASMR" videos on YouTube extremely relaxing. If you've never heard of it before just search youtube for ASMR.

Some people get enjoyable tingling sensations when they hear certain sounds. Which is how ASMR came about. That's never happened for me, but I do find the videos extremely relaxing, almost hypnotic/meditative.

An unintentional example of ASMR would be like watching a Bob Ross show. Or listening to peaceful nature sounds.

Just something you might be interested in to de-stress. Some people might find it weird, but it works for me.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:42 AM   #62
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I don't think the answer is never to get married. The answer is a solid prenump agreement done by an specialized lawyer. I am getting married in February 2015 and will retire in December and our prenump is each on of us keeps what we have before and after, we pay no alimony. Ever. No kids thanks god.
Sounds like a good plan!

I'm 48, never been married, and probably never will, although I wouldn't rule it out. I'm a VERY independent person, so pursuing relationships and having a family has never been high on my priority list, but if I ever met the right person, who knows.

But I would never let another person have access to my finances. There would definitely be a prenup involved. And no commingling of household finances, either. They'd have their money to do whatever they wanted with, I'd have mine, and then a common pool we'd both fund for shared expenses.

No matter how much I loved the other person, I'd never let another person have access to my finances, and I wouldn't want any access to theirs. I've seen messy divorces in my own family, and have read plenty of stories about love flying out the window and relationships turning into nightmares. I would never risk what I've accumulated, no matter how much I thought I loved the other person.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:44 AM   #63
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And as Jerry Reed once said, "We split it down the middle, and she got the better half." That's how it is especially when you have kids.
"She got the gold mine, I got the shaft"...

I was fortunate enough to get out of a gawd-awful marriage before I had anything. Wasn't hard to split nothing...

Well, actually, she got the furniture, and I got the debt. But I would have never gotten to FIRE; likely would have ended up under a bridge, or in prison...
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Old 10-05-2015, 12:01 PM   #64
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"She got the gold mine, I got the shaft"...

I was fortunate enough to get out of a gawd-awful marriage before I had anything. Wasn't hard to split nothing...

Well, actually, she got the furniture, and I got the debt. But I would have never gotten to FIRE; likely would have ended up under a bridge, or in prison...
"If I'd killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now."

(sorry about the divorce, SM--you seem to be getting some really good advice from some veterans of the marital wars)
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Old 10-05-2015, 12:13 PM   #65
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Salaryman, sorry to read your story. Don't have any new advice that others haven't shared with you. All I can say is to hang in there --this too shall pass.
Best Wishes.
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Old 10-05-2015, 01:33 PM   #66
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I don't think the answer is never to get married. The answer is a solid prenump agreement done by an specialized lawyer.
Ever heard of a prenup being ruled invalid? I have. The odds of a woman filing for a divorce are much higher than a man. Fact. If the odds of a game are stacked against you, the only defense is not to play. I just see that as a reasonable response. I don't want the government involved in my love life.

Do you know why a woman wears white on her wedding day? Happiest day of her life. Know why a man wears black?..............
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Old 10-05-2015, 02:20 PM   #67
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A prenup gets nullified if it was badly written or the other party convinces the judge that he/she was not properly represented or was deceived. That is why you need to get a specialized lawyer (both parties should get good lawyers) and pay up the legal fees.
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Old 10-05-2015, 02:43 PM   #68
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Ever heard of a prenup being ruled invalid? I have. The odds of a woman filing for a divorce are much higher than a man. Fact. If the odds of a game are stacked against you, the only defense is not to play. I just see that as a reasonable response. I don't want the government involved in my love life.

Do you know why a woman wears white on her wedding day? Happiest day of her life. Know why a man wears black?..............

My brother is getting married in a few weeks. The wedding is definitely her party... My brother is spending a fortune. The guest list is like 9 people from my brother's side and 100+ from hers, lol.
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Old 10-05-2015, 02:58 PM   #69
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I have been told that "no alimony" clause in a prenup may or may not be enforced depending upon how financially desperate the recipient may become by the divorce (ex. to-be-ex has had no jobs in the last 15 years because she helped raise the children and she would need to rely on public assistance for living after the divorce.) In that case, the spouse will most likely be paying the alimony.

Just sayin..
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Old 10-05-2015, 04:01 PM   #70
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My brother is getting married in a few weeks. The wedding is definitely her party....
I think he should demand she buy him a 26 foot center console boat with twin 250's. Only fair thing to do. This equal rights thing could be a really good thing.
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Old 10-05-2015, 04:16 PM   #71
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I doubt prenups would be a very good solution for young couples just starting out. Can see it for more established couples, perhaps with children of their own and one party with significant assets while the other does not. Hard to see two equal parties agreeing to a pre nup.
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Old 10-05-2015, 04:30 PM   #72
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A prenup gets nullified if it was badly written or the other party convinces the judge that he/she was not properly represented or was deceived. That is why you need to get a specialized lawyer (both parties should get good lawyers) and pay up the legal fees.
You can't put what the child support would be in a prenup. Notice the 5K/mo SM is going to pay for many years. 60 #@&/K a year? My living expenses aren't that much.

If your SO gets sick and requires skilled nursing, a prenup doesn't cover that. 100K a year until your assets are gone.
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Old 10-05-2015, 05:06 PM   #73
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Sounds like a good plan!

I'm 48, never been married, and probably never will, although I wouldn't rule it out. I'm a VERY independent person, so pursuing relationships and having a family has never been high on my priority list, but if I ever met the right person, who knows.

But I would never let another person have access to my finances. There would definitely be a prenup involved. And no commingling of household finances, either. They'd have their money to do whatever they wanted with, I'd have mine, and then a common pool we'd both fund for shared expenses.

No matter how much I loved the other person, I'd never let another person have access to my finances, and I wouldn't want any access to theirs. I've seen messy divorces in my own family, and have read plenty of stories about love flying out the window and relationships turning into nightmares. I would never risk what I've accumulated, no matter how much I thought I loved the other person.
It's very hard to take the stand you've taken and find someone decent to go into matrimony. I agree that many spouses need a prenuptial agreement, but keeping everything separate doesn't work well.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:28 PM   #74
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Sounds like a good plan!

I'm 48, never been married, and probably never will, although I wouldn't rule it out. I'm a VERY independent person, so pursuing relationships and having a family has never been high on my priority list, but if I ever met the right person, who knows.

But I would never let another person have access to my finances. There would definitely be a prenup involved. And no commingling of household finances, either. They'd have their money to do whatever they wanted with, I'd have mine, and then a common pool we'd both fund for shared expenses.

No matter how much I loved the other person, I'd never let another person have access to my finances, and I wouldn't want any access to theirs. I've seen messy divorces in my own family, and have read plenty of stories about love flying out the window and relationships turning into nightmares. I would never risk what I've accumulated, no matter how much I thought I loved the other person.
Oh man, if I can just go back in time 15 years and tell my younger self what I know now how different this all might have been. I thought that I'd be married forever and that thing will all work out. At least I'll be able to better counsel my kids when they decide to settle down later.

But at this point, I kinda screwed myself and will have to pay the heavy price to gain my freedom. I really did not think that this would happen to me. Silly rabbit, trix are for kids.
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Old 10-06-2015, 12:54 AM   #75
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Ever heard of a prenup being ruled invalid? I have. The odds of a woman filing for a divorce are much higher than a man. Fact. If the odds of a game are stacked against you, the only defense is not to play. I just see that as a reasonable response. I don't want the government involved in my love life.

Do you know why a woman wears white on her wedding day? Happiest day of her life. Know why a man wears black?..............
Funny.
Heard this one other day.

What are the three rings of marriage:

-engagement ring
-wedding ring
-suffer ring
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Old 10-06-2015, 12:55 AM   #76
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Salaryman, sorry to read your story. Don't have any new advice that others haven't shared with you. All I can say is to hang in there --this too shall pass.
Best Wishes.
Thanks Rickt.
Appreciate the well wishes.
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Old 10-06-2015, 12:56 AM   #77
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"If I'd killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now."

(sorry about the divorce, SM--you seem to be getting some really good advice from some veterans of the marital wars)

Yep, getting some great feed back.
Appreciate the info and knowledge transfer.
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Old 10-06-2015, 01:27 AM   #78
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33+ years.... smartest thing I ever did. And believe me, I understand OP's original comment. If it ain't working out, it's tough and should be ended; cut your losses. Just adding 'balance' to the conversation.




But, as Henny Young once said, "My wife wants to go on vacation. She say's, 'Take me somewhere I've never been before. I took her to the kitchen.' ". Sorry ladies.
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Old 10-06-2015, 07:11 AM   #79
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Have been there and most advice I would give is woven in the responses you have received.

One thing I didn't see mentioned is the special requirements when divorced and taking the kids out of the country. The Ex has to give their permission. Also who will obtain and have custody of the passports? Can you tell I have had to deal with this?

Good luck!
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Old 10-06-2015, 07:23 AM   #80
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Have been there and most advice I would give is woven in the responses you have received.

One thing I didn't see mentioned is the special requirements when divorced and taking the kids out of the country. The Ex has to give their permission. Also who will obtain and have custody of the passports? Can you tell I have had to deal with this?

Good luck!
Unfortunately, I had to force the issue and get her agreement during a session with a court appointed mediator.
She agreed to signing the application for kids passports when the divorce is finalized. Also had to get her to agree that I may take the kids abroad during time with me.
You are right, just another pain in the butt.

Until now, she had pushed back on the passports as a form of control and also to prove how unreasonably difficult she is.
It was painful, but got it done.
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