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ER takes a divorce detour
Old 10-04-2015, 12:58 PM   #1
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ER takes a divorce detour

Finalizing details on divorce in NY, multiple kids in their early/pre teens. Looking at at least another 13 years before 5k/month payments are done . Earned/saved my money early before marriage and college tuition already saved, so at least it's not a total loss.

Was looking at ER in 5, now more like 10 years+..
It's a heavy heavy price (not considering the emotional damage for kids), but it's better than the alternative. I should be able to bounce back and grind thru this like all other life's challenges, but it's a big blow to digest.
Have a good career and can expect to make more, but it's very very stressful and killing me (regulatory compliance/big banks).

Wondering if others have some words of wisdom for me, personally or financially speaking.
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Old 10-04-2015, 01:22 PM   #2
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Sorry about this blow. My only advice is to never marry again, no wonder how marvelous the woman seems. Also, consider a vasectomy.

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Old 10-04-2015, 01:39 PM   #3
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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

I have no advice, but wish you well.
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Old 10-04-2015, 01:44 PM   #4
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I have not been in your shoes, but you seem to be well aware of focusing on the long term, big picture. That's a big plus, so good for you. Best of luck.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:03 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by haha View Post
My only advice is to never marry again, no wonder how marvelous the woman seems. Also, consider a vasectomy.
Harsh but accurate.

Starting over in your 20's is one thing but starting over in your 40's and later increases the degree of difficulty. The bet just gets bigger.

Look after your mental and physical well being. Exercise burns the stress and keeps your mind clear and I'd definitely stay away from alcohol for a while.

Keep in mind this is a marathon not a sprint. It takes a while to clean up the mess and move on but it will get better.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:11 PM   #6
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Do what is good for the kids. Do not mix your issue with EX and kids matters.
A good live is the best revenge.
Best wishes to you all.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:12 PM   #7
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Happened to me @49 years old, with teenagers. It was a struggle. Be there for the kids. Never say anything bad about your ex to the kids. Work hard, pay the bills, it will all work out, but will take 10+ years. It took me about 15 years to get my head above water, get the kids on their own.

Get counseling, find some new friends.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:21 PM   #8
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Thanks.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:29 PM   #9
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Harsh but accurate.

Starting over in your 20's is one thing but starting over in your 40's and later increases the degree of difficulty. The bet just gets bigger.

Look after your mental and physical well being. Exercise burns the stress and keeps your mind clear and I'd definitely stay away from alcohol for a while.

Keep in mind this is a marathon not a sprint. It takes a while to clean up the mess and move on but it will get better.
Been hiking biking and increasing activities while cutting back on the drinking, already feeling the benefits. Therapy has also been helping as well. Thanks for the advice.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:34 PM   #10
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Do what is good for the kids. Do not mix your issue with EX and kids matters.
A good live is the best revenge.
Best wishes to you all.
I totally agree. Trying to remove all emotions about this and focusing on the important things....kids and my ability to be the best dad that I can be.
If I am happy, everything else should follow. It'll take a long time, but am certain that I'll be happy again.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:38 PM   #11
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Oh I am so very sorry. I went thru this in 2014 but had a post marital agreement in place that literally saved my behind, kids were grown and on their own, etc.

I can only assume you had/have a good lawyer and the agreement was the best you could hope for. Is that $5K a month for 13 years child support? Alimony? A combination of the two?

Because you didn't say, I'll ask. Who are the kids living with? Who is claiming them on the tax return? Who gets to file "head of household" (lower tax rate) which can be filed if they live (I think even part time but at least half the year) and are dependent on you(which it sounds like they are). And are these things spelled out in your divorce papers?

One day at a time and breathe.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:39 PM   #12
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........It'll take a long time, but am certain that I'll be happy again.
You will be happy again, but it takes time and it is a temptation to rush into another relationship before you are ready.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:39 PM   #13
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Sorry about this blow. My only advice is to never marry again, no wonder how marvelous the woman seems. Also, consider a vasectomy.

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My friends have standing orders to slap me senselessly if I even consider such a stoopid thing.

As for the other comment, I did consider procreating and popping out kids indiscriminately with my newfound situation.
Not nice to be snarky at someone's expense. Karma is a biaatch.
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Old 10-04-2015, 02:44 PM   #14
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You will be happy again, but it takes time and it is a temptation to rush into another relationship before you are ready.
You are so right. Hopefully the lesson learned will set me straight. Lord knows I can't afford to make more mistakes.

That said being with someone that cares for me will be something new.
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Old 10-04-2015, 03:00 PM   #15
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Oh I am so very sorry. I went thru this in 2014 but had a post marital agreement in place that literally saved my behind, kids were grown and on their own, etc.

I can only assume you had/have a good lawyer and the agreement was the best you could hope for. Is that $5K a month for 13 years child support? Alimony? A combination of the two?

Because you didn't say, I'll ask. Who are the kids living with? Who is claiming them on the tax return? Who gets to file "head of household" (lower tax rate) which can be filed if they live (I think even part time but at least half the year) and are dependent on you(which it sounds like they are). And are these things spelled out in your divorce papers?

One day at a time and breathe.
I got great representation. My sister's boyfriend was just getting killed by his ex and her attorney. Guess who I hired.

Answer to your questions, it's still not final. Should be some spousal and child support in combination, she makes 1/3 of total combined income so it'll help. Thank god I sent her to nursing school.
Kids will be with her (custodial) but will be with me part of the time and are dependent on my support. Will check with attorney in the head of household tax status (helpful suggestion, didn't get to this yet).

Mediator from court helped define time with kids, vacation/holiday schedule and compromise to joint custody where she would have final say if we don't agree. This is completely different than the current situation where she has total control over everything and the only thing I can do is to pay all the bills.

At end of day; my support payments will be less than what I currently shell out, have more control/parenting time with kids, limit the assets that she gets (most of assets premarital and once divorce final, she'll not be the beneficiary to millions in benefits).

She had a good thing but just pushed it too far and lost it all.
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Old 10-04-2015, 03:16 PM   #16
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Try to maintain a civil relationship with the EX. You will have a lot to communicate about for the next few years (almost all regarding the kids). Hard feelings aside, this effort will all be about ensuring the welfare of the kids. Best of luck to you. Many of us have tread this path before.
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Old 10-04-2015, 03:18 PM   #17
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You have my sympathies. I went through a divorce, but we didn't have kids. It's taken me a lot of years to work through it, and today I'm on a solid financial footing. I try not to think about the material things that I lost...instead I try to focus on the great future that's ahead of me. My divorce was unavoidable...it just took a lot of time to move on.
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Old 10-04-2015, 03:28 PM   #18
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You have my sympathies. I went through a divorce, but we didn't have kids.
Same thing here. When the dust settled on selling the house and all, I had a net worth of about $7,500 and and a 13-year-old Plymouth Duster with 90k miles on it. Sixteen years later I owned a nice house with DW and zero debt.
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Old 10-04-2015, 03:39 PM   #19
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Best to you Salaryman: My 2 cents:

- Do your best (with the assistance of your therapist perhaps) to allow your children to grow up knowing that they can have healthy relationships. They are observing you and your ex carefully.
- You do not have to wait 10 years or whatever to enjoy life. Enjoy it to the fullest now; accept a new normal.
- This early part is the toughest emotional journey, in time you will feel a lot better - a whole lot.

Best wishes, Rich
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Old 10-04-2015, 03:43 PM   #20
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Sorry about this blow. My only advice is to never marry again, no wonder how marvelous the woman seems. Also, consider a vasectomy.
I am living with the same girl for 25+ years. I was always told, rather than get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

PLUS, health care has a huge marriage penalty if you are married. My DGF will be low income and get virtually free health care after FIRE.
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