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Old 10-15-2013, 05:01 PM   #101
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Unless the problem child is mentally challenged, he would probably maintain some kind of relationship if he really wanted / expected to receive any of the money.
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:59 PM   #102
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I have always been amazed that people will do nasty things to a family member that they would never do to a stranger.
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Unless the problem child is mentally challenged, he would probably maintain some kind of relationship if he really wanted / expected to receive any of the money.
You're both right in my experience. After my mother died I tried to help my grandmother for years. I eventually decided to write off the relationship. I don't want her money, I just wanted to be treated with the same respect she gives casual acquaintances.
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:00 PM   #103
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I know there are a lot of people who say divide it up evenly....

But, I will say that I just do not get it.... if a child decides to break all ties with the family and from what I can tell is actively making sure there is no contact.... even with the grand kids..... there is ZERO chance of me leaving anything to that child in my will...

I would put language in the will that told why I did not leave them anything.... and I would also check with a lawyer to make sure that if there were any legal language that was needed it was included...

I respect that others have a different opinion.... but I cannot get it into my brain...
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Old 10-15-2013, 11:28 PM   #104
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I know there are a lot of people who say divide it up evenly....

But, I will say that I just do not get it.... if a child decides to break all ties with the family and from what I can tell is actively making sure there is no contact.... even with the grand kids..... there is ZERO chance of me leaving anything to that child in my will...

I would put language in the will that told why I did not leave them anything.... and I would also check with a lawyer to make sure that if there were any legal language that was needed it was included...

I respect that others have a different opinion.... but I cannot get it into my brain...
I am with you there as well, but I have come to understand those that have the split it evenly mentality even if one disrespects you have that " blood is thicker than water mindset". Personally I feel a closer bond to an unrelated close friend than any disrespectful child or sibling. Mere genetic makeup is over- rated. Love and respect trumps blood relation x 100 if the love ain't genuinely there on the other side of the equation.
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:08 AM   #105
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I wouldn't cut a child out of my will because they disrespected me or even hated me. I might if I hated them. I just can't think of a situation where I would come to hate them. However, I do think money poses the greatest problems for those that didn't earn it. But that's a different can of beans.
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:30 AM   #106
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Boy that is a rough situation. I think you are getting wise advice from this forum. You are under NO duress to leave any money to the "problem child".

I have empathy for you. I have a situation in my own family that is similar.....there are no easy choices...........
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:16 AM   #107
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Might you be talking about a marital trust or what is also called a Grantors trust? Assets of the 1st to pass away goes into a marital trust for the benefit of the surviving spouse? Typically the remainder beneficiaries receive the assets of the trust when the 2nd parent passes. Surviving spouse is the beneficiary while still living and is distributed any income generated. Trustee can also distribute principle assets if a need to do so is requested and the need proven.
I found a description of what my parents had - the official name is an AB trust - but it's also called a bypass trust.

The AB Living Trust - Living Trust - Guide - LegalZoom
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With an AB living trust (sometimes called an "exemption" or "bypass" trust), the property contributed to the trust by the first grantor to die will be distributed to his or her beneficiaries when the surviving grantor dies. The surviving grantor cannot change the beneficiaries of the deceased grantor's trust property.

Imagine that a husband and wife create a typical joint trust and the husband passes away. Under the LegalZoom Joint Living Trust (and many other joint trusts), some or all of the husband's share can be held in trust for the wife during her lifetime. During her lifetime, she can change who will receive that trust property after her death. This may be exactly what the husband wanted. On the other hand, the husband's wishes may have been, "I want my wife to be able to use my share as long as she lives. But after she dies, I want to make sure that whatever is left goes to my beneficiaries instead of to people she chooses after I'm gone." If you want to make sure that each person’s property goes to his or her separate beneficiaries, an AB trust may be a better choice than a joint trust or a simple will, regardless of the size of your estate.
That's pretty much what my parents had. My mom's side had to go to the 3 kids, split evenly. My dad's side had some specific named beneficiaries (my aunt, my step-mom), then the balance was split between 2 kids.... my brother was excluded other than debt forgiveness... (which was significant and part of the rift.)

So my brother did inherit - from my mom's side - at the time of my dad's death. This allowed him to have a slightly positive net worth when he died. He would have had a negative estate otherwise due to housing market declines and debt.
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:19 AM   #108
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One more thing. Not sure how legally solid it is... but my dad's revised trust (on his half) also had language that would automatically exclude any beneficiary who challenge the trust. In other words, a poison pill to prevent legal challenges. I have no idea if that would have held up in court.
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:42 PM   #109
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I wouldn't cut a child out of my will because they disrespected me or even hated me. I might if I hated them. I just can't think of a situation where I would come to hate them. However, I do think money poses the greatest problems for those that didn't earn it. But that's a different can of beans.


I think a lot also has to do with what the child has become in life...

As an example, I have a nephew who became a Rastifarian (sp).... he was into drugs when he was younger (which meant that he was out of any will I had.... but that was before me having my own family).... he abandoned a child he had with his first wife and did not fight for custody when she died... it was only when grand mother died that he took custody... I believe that he has 4 kids now, but my sister has not seen any of them after they moved from the US many years ago...

Now, he seems to be able to get money to fly his family to India and live there for awhile, but not to fly home to visit... I do think that he does call now, but from what I can tell it is about once a year...
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:18 PM   #110
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I think a lot also has to do with what the child has become in life...

As an example, I have a nephew who became a Rastifarian (sp).... he was into drugs when he was younger (which meant that he was out of any will I had.... but that was before me having my own family).... he abandoned a child he had with his first wife and did not fight for custody when she died... it was only when grand mother died that he took custody... I believe that he has 4 kids now, but my sister has not seen any of them after they moved from the US many years ago...

Now, he seems to be able to get money to fly his family to India and live there for awhile, but not to fly home to visit... I do think that he does call now, but from what I can tell it is about once a year...
I agree that every situation is different and each person has the right to choose their beneficiaries. Personally, a child who breaks contact wouldn't be a deal breaker. But I can see that there are situations where I would withhold support like criminal activity or addictions.
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Old 10-16-2013, 08:57 PM   #111
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I agree that every situation is different and each person has the right to choose their beneficiaries. Personally, a child who breaks contact wouldn't be a deal breaker. But I can see that there are situations where I would withhold support like criminal activity or addictions.
Don't forget, there can be valid and in fact health preserving reasons to break contact with parents. More than a few on this board have written about this at times.

Another possibility is that the spouse is implacably hostile. This may leave a tough choice. Defy him/her (and it usually her) and try to maintain contact, but perhaps lose the marriage and children, or knuckle under and obey the spouse which I believe is often the choice of conflict avoiding people.

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