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Old 05-16-2013, 06:20 PM   #41
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My deal was a 4 year public university degree and a car. But DD1 wanted to go to a high-dollar school, so her deal is a 4 year private university degree, no car, and a "car payment" (student loans)!!. DD2 is off to public university in the fall. The car will come for her when it's clear that graduation is very likely. I feel, though, that I'll need to loan DD1 the money to buy a car, whereas DD2 will have it free and clear.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:32 PM   #42
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Me... Paid for tuition and supplies through 4 year college. Encouraged them to live on campus but the board was theirs to handle.

Wife... Gifts are almost 10% of our spending, I won't call it a budget. We're now paying for diapers for #5 grandkiddy, no idea why, the kids make more them we do.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:56 PM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB
1) parenting is difficult
2) there is no right answer or best way
3) it's very easy to be critical of others
4) how they turn out may not have that much to do with how children are brought up
Exactly! You roll the dice, work hard with the numbers that come up, and see what happens!

To my mind, the true obligation is through high school, although LOL! makes a good case that even that could be squeezed down a little for the true LBYM'ers. We have chosen to fund through college, with a chunk of money to help with a good used car as a graduation present. DD1 just got engaged last week, so we will have a discussion about who pays how much for the wedding soon. I expect we will pay somewhere between half and all, with a hard upper limit (nothing p*sses me off like scope creep, especially when implemented as a strategy). Beyond that we will probably help out a little now and then if the need arises and seems legit.
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Old 05-16-2013, 09:15 PM   #44
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Thinking back to how my parents and their siblings were raised, how my siblings and I were brought up, how my siblings did with their children and how we raised ours, my conclusions are

1) parenting is difficult
2) there is no right answer or best way
3) it's very easy to be critical of others
4) how they turn out may not have that much to do with how children are brought up
Right.

Our plan was college plus a wedding gift. Then real life happened.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:37 PM   #45
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We supported our sons through 4 year state colleges until graduation and then after that they paid us a contribution to the household if they lived at home. For the older son it was percentage of his income, I think it was 30% of his take home pay. Then he started making so much that we put a cap on it!

We gave our younger son a car.... my 15 year old Toyota Camry when I bought a new used one. Didn't feel obligated to supply him a car, but it ran well and had low mileage so we kept it in the family.

Our own parents supported us until our marriage in our senior year of college. We covered the remaining college costs. My Dad offered to match our savings for a down payment on our house but we had saved more than he had expected so he helped us along. And he paid for our wedding, which I think was $3000 in 1976. Is that possible?? These are things they wanted to do and they had the money.

No weddings in the foreseeable future with our sons but I'd like to be able to contribute something when the time comes. Or if one of them buys a house, I'd like to pass along the help that we were given. It might not be as much as my Dad gave us since DH is retired but we would contribute something. They are 26 and almost 29 and I don't feel obligated to contribute, but I would be pleased to be able to do it.
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:08 PM   #46
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...But their is ONE thing we will never do, no matter the situation. We will NEVER co-sign anything for them. We have more than a few friends who have done this and not realizing it obligated them as well
Ah, why would anyone think the lender would want them to co-sign if it did not obligate them? I don't get that one!
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:16 PM   #47
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You have to help as much as you can to get them off to a good start in life. Every situation is different.
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:26 PM   #48
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A is the only obligation. Everything else has been based on my ability to do more, wanting to further his opportunities (mostly education), rewards for things well done and for managing finances well, my wanting to pass on some of my good fortune while I'm alive to see him make use of it, and so on. I'm glad I've been able to do a lot for him but none beyond A was an obligation. And there have been things I haven't done or only did as a loan that had to be repaid, to learn lessons and not take things for granted. I agree with the post above, each situation is unique.
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:06 AM   #49
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Ah, why would anyone think the lender would want them to co-sign if it did not obligate them? I don't get that one!
You would be shocked at how many folks don't realize it puts them under the same obligation. Most see it as "helping out" and don't evaluate what might happen if their child doesn't keep their commitment. In my personal life I've seen it happen most often with cars; the child wants an expensive car for "show" instead of a cheap functional one for practicality, and the parents think they are co-signing just to show the child has a "good family background".
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:06 AM   #50
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I was given the opportunity to attend college but NEVER thought that it was my parents obligation. That ended once I turned 18. After that it was MY responsibility to apply what I had been taught growing up. If they had done a good job raising me and if I had paid attention to what they could teach me then they had fulfilled their obligations. I always felt they had given me everything I needed, much of what I wanted, and more than I probably deserved.

That being said I was helped with my first house with a loan of $6k which was paid back with the same interest they were making on the money. The interest was much less than what I would get at a bank and the payments were small. I thought that was only fair since this was money for which they sacrificed through the years for their retirement.

All of this helped me take charge of my own destiny instead of taking on an entitlement attitude or expecting someone to bail me out of problems. There have been some financially rough times over the years and they were always there with guidance while I found my own way. It will always be a source of pride and satisfaction that I have been able to financially make it on my own. I'm grateful for being given the chance for that opportunity. Wise folks those two.

Cheers!
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:12 AM   #51
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My parents could afford to pay for our college and they viewed their obligation as providing us with a college education if we chose to do it and then it was up to us. As I recall, I had an "allowance" during my freshman year of college but started working thereafter and didn't have anything after that other than Dad occasionally slipping me a $20 here or there my last 3 years of college.

My roommate's family was less well off and I remember him working like a dog to pay for college between his own work, grants and loans and some parental help, so I felt very fortunate that my parents took care of tuition and room and I only had to worry about food and my own personal expenses after that freshman year.

DW's family was similar to my roommate and she pretty much paid for her own post secondary education through work, grants and loans and a little help from her Mom.

I have taken the same approach that my parents did. We'll pay for tuition, room and board for four years - then the rest is up to you. That is what we did for DD. DS has chosen not to go to college so far, though we will pay for his post-secondary education and since his profession will be low-paying at least initially, I think we will probably help him out a bit here and there - not because we feel obligated to do so but because we are blessed and have the wherewithal to do so.

I also feel obligated to pay for a reasonable wedding should DD ever get married but more because we can. Beyond a certain $ amount though, it is on her and her fiance.
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Old 05-18-2013, 12:49 PM   #52
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Regarding helping out with weddings... Am I the only one who feels, if we wanna help, we should do so equally for DS as for DD? I mean, in these days of equality, isn't the old "parents of the bride pay" rule outdated?
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Old 05-18-2013, 03:07 PM   #53
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Regarding helping out with weddings... Am I the only one who feels, if we wanna help, we should do so equally for DS as for DD? I mean, in these days of equality, isn't the old "parents of the bride pay" rule outdated?
I would agree.

That said, what I will contribute to any wedding will be very small. I think there are few greater wastes of money that spending many thousands on a wedding. I felt so strongly about it myself that when DH and I decided to get marries (a little over 20 years ago) I suggested that we fly to Las Vegas, get married, and have a nice weekend.

That is what I ended up doing. I was in my 30s and it was my first wedding and I think my parents gave us something like $5000 as a wedding present which we could use however we wanted to.

That is probably what I will do with my kids. Tell them - male or female - that we will contribute $X and they can use it for the wedding or whatever else they want to use it for.
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:37 PM   #54
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Regarding helping out with weddings... Am I the only one who feels, if we wanna help, we should do so equally for DS as for DD? I mean, in these days of equality, isn't the old "parents of the bride pay" rule outdated?
We will gift them a certain amount each, I think, and they can put it towards a lareg wedding, a house deposit, a honeymoon, furniture or other items for their home. But the amount would be equal for our DS and DD.

For me, it was A from my parents.

We hope to help our children as much as we deem healthy for them to develop a strong work ethic. If they show this we would be more likely to help them follow their dreams than if they squandered our hard earned cash on frivolities.

That said, our rough plan (children are only 6 and 3) is to pay for their education, university if the choose to go, whatever other tuition they require to further their field of interest/expertise, and maybe a helping hand with a house deposit.

We will also charge them room and board from a certain age (yet to be determined) but will give it all back to them when they move out as a surprise.
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Old 05-28-2013, 02:32 PM   #55
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My parents stopped at college tuition. It was very kind of them to pay for my college and was a big help. They didn't have to do that, and I really appreciated it.

I worked several part-time jobs throughout college. They were all easy things for the most part like baby sitting computer labs and tutoring other students in math. When I graduated I had about $50k in the bank and a $3k junker car.

I went to graduate school for a year and then the dot bomb collapse happened. My degree was in computer science. So that wasn't good... I got scared and started looking for a job, and found one in my home town. Left graduate school and moved back home.

I lived with my parents for a few years after college, but I paid rent. Money was never an issue. I had a job in my field. I just liked staying there for a while. At the time I was a little worried about the recession.
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Old 05-28-2013, 02:39 PM   #56
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Regarding helping out with weddings... Am I the only one who feels, if we wanna help, we should do so equally for DS as for DD? I mean, in these days of equality, isn't the old "parents of the bride pay" rule outdated?
As the parent of two sons, I must admit I really do prefer the outdated rule.
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