Hard times --- Kids Moving Back In with Mom and Dad

[Khan]

I spent about month with my parents after graduation (until my job started). Fortunately, it was June; and I spent a great deal of time outdoors, walking or biking around the area.

Previously, I had spent two and a half weeks there for winter break; the last few days we were yelling at each other.

[Nords]

Our kid used to worship a high-school drafting teacher. The infatuation lasted for the entire year.

Then she learned that he smokes, is so diabetic that he can't even eat white rice, and lives with his mother in her house.

He's 56 years old and recently ER'd but he seems to be adapting just fine!

[FIREd]

I love my parents to death but since they live very far away I only get to see them once or twice a year and when we visit we usually stay at their place for 10-15 days at a time. And I have to say that after cohabiting with them for about 10 days I am ready to get out of Dodge. We always seem to revert back to the old days after a while, with my mother telling me how to dress and what to eat like I was still a child and my dad passing judgement on my choices... chilling, especially when your wife of 7 year is standing next to you...

[Walt34]

I did move back home at the age of 34 after a divorce left me with a net worth of about $7K, but talked about it with my mother a lot first. There was no house payment, but I paid either all or half of the utilities (I forget what the arrangement was) and while there I repainted the entire house and removed as much of her 30-year collection of junk as she would let me. She grew up in the '30s Depression and it was hard to get her to throw stuff out. Also I fixed a pinhole leak in a water pipe at 7:00 AM Christmas morning, I remember her saying she was very happy I was there!

It took 18 months to save the down payment for a house and then I was gone per the agreement.

[zoey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Notmuchlonger Well in some societies extended families live to together. I know of a few.

This is the case in our family. My grandmother always lived with us. Actually, my grandmother and mom (one widowed, the other divorced) lived together in a house they both owned and when my parents got married, my Dad moved in. So, I grew up always having a grandmother living with us, which was very nice for me.

Another example is my cousin. When her mother died, her Dad came to live with her and her husband and four boys. He lived with them until he passed away many years later. Also, I have ten nieces and nephews--my sister's kids. Several of them live together. One moved to California and one by one the other two followed. They have all lived together for many years now and are in their fifties.

My husband and I have two grown daughters and are in the process of building a one bedroom house behind our little three bedroom house. We plan to move into the one bedroom and our daughters are going to share the three bedroom. It's a preference for all of us, not a need. Everyone is financially stable.

It's not at all uncommon in Hawaii. Many Asians and polynesians have extended family living with, or right by them. Our neighbor is building a small house on his lot for his daughter, another neighbor lives in the same house with her grown children and grandchildren, and another neighbor lives with his sister, his wife and baby. On our street, it's as common as not.

Many of my husband's friends live with family--usually in a separate house on the same property. For instance, one friend and his brother built their house next to their parent's home on their property. The sons are able to help their elderly parents and they all benefit since many expenses such as property tax are shared. No one is mooching off of anyone else. Everyone contributes and they all enjoy each other's company.

For some reason, most WASPs view these living arrangements in a negative way. Someone is either thought of as not growing up, or mooching, or driving someone crazy. It's like you turn eighteen and you're out and if you return it's viewed as a personal failure and a nuisance. I don't really understand this way of thinking. It's not that way in many other cultures. I wonder why it's so different and how it came to be this way.

[donheff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoey This is the case in our family. My grandmother always lived with us. Actually, my grandmother and mom (one widowed, the other divorced) lived together in a house they both owned and when my parents got married, my Dad moved in. So, I grew up always having a grandmother living with us, which was very nice for me. Another example is my cousin. When her mother died, her Dad came to live with her and her husband and four boys. He lived with them until he passed away many years later.

This seems to be very common, especially when the oldsters are deteriorating a bit or low on money. My parents lived with my oldest sister for several months each year and finally moved into an assisted living place. It is also common to live nearby, live with siblings, especially when not married, etc. I think what gets tongues wagging is the mooching aspect -- the boomerang kids that return home, never leave, and don't contribute to the overall enterprise.

[Texarkandy]

Mine says she's never! moving out - and she's only 13!

(I've been instructing her in the performance of various forms of yard work, lawn mowing, etc to discourage that sort of thinking )

[52andout]

There are many ways to make your kids move out.

Try coming to the dinner table in underwear. Make sure they are baggy and stained.

Ask if they want to join in the couple swap you are involved in when it will be held at your house. Slap your spouse on the bottom when you walk by and talk dirty.

Serve Bran Muffins for breakfast, bean soup for lunch and cabbage for dinner.

Take up playing the tuba and drums and start a band in your dining room. The best time to practice is Saturday morning at 8 am.

Organize all their belongings for them in their room.

Borrow their car and bring it back with no gas in it.

Use their bathroom and forget to flush the toilet.

Start singing to the radio. This works best when you don't know all the words and can't carry a tune.

[Moemg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 52andout There are many ways to make your kids move out. Try coming to the dinner table in underwear. Make sure they are baggy and stained. Ask if they want to join in the couple swap you are involved in when it will be held at your house. Slap your spouse on the bottom when you walk by and talk dirty. Serve Bran Muffins for breakfast, bean soup for lunch and cabbage for dinner. Take up playing the tuba and drums and start a band in your dining room. The best time to practice is Saturday morning at 8 am. Organize all their belongings for them in their room. Borrow their car and bring it back with no gas in it. Use their bathroom and forget to flush the toilet. Start singing to the radio. This works best when you don't know all the words and can't carry a tune.

How about enforcing a curfew ?

[dumpster56]

Older children heading back home is an extension of the kindergarten mentality that so many of American boys have today, the stupid backwards baseball hats the too big pants the immaturity that oozes from every pore of there bodies. No they are failures, time to grow up, if it means working two or three jobs doing what you have to to make a life for yourself. Sorry time to pull up those baggy pants and be a man!

[armor99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoey For some reason, most WASPs view these living arrangements in a negative way. Someone is either thought of as not growing up, or mooching, or driving someone crazy. It's like you turn eighteen and you're out and if you return it's viewed as a personal failure and a nuisance. I don't really understand this way of thinking. It's not that way in many other cultures. I wonder why it's so different and how it came to be this way.

I do not think this is a WASP mentality per say.... I believe it is an distinctly "American" value. America from the very beginning has valued rugged individualism. We did not build the western frontier by "playing it safe" at home. The idea that this is a country where even being born poor does not automatically mean you will remain poor for the rest of your life. But for that sort of change in someones life to occur, means that you will have to take risks, be responsible for yourself and your actions etc. The first big risk than any man or woman takes in life is actually leaving home. I would go so far to say that at least from a male perspective, you are not truly a "man" untill you can manage to live on your own, and support yourself.

[sarahsays]

I moved back in after I graduated from college. I had made an effort to graduate early (3 .5 years) and my parents offered me space in their house. After a while, as I started to look for places to live, they tried to get me to stay permanently!
I ended up staying about 6 months (left 3 months before my 22nd birthday) when I was able to find a roommate I liked and a place I could afford. I think my parents would've let me stay forever.

Now, the only time I'd consider moving back in would be if I sold my current place and hadn't closed on the next place. Even then I'd highly consider a hotel.

[Spanky]

Most kids move back to live with their parents because of financial reasons. It would be nice if the reason was that they want to be with them or to take care of them.

[Razor]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsays I moved back in after I graduated from college. I had made an effort to graduate early (3 .5 years) and my parents offered me space in their house. After a while, as I started to look for places to live, they tried to get me to stay permanently! I ended up staying about 6 months (left 3 months before my 22nd birthday) when I was able to find a roommate I liked and a place I could afford. I think my parents would've let me stay forever. Now, the only time I'd consider moving back in would be if I sold my current place and hadn't closed on the next place. Even then I'd highly consider a hotel.

I had the same kind of experience. After college my folks wanted me to stay for awhile and when I finally decided to move out my Dad tried to talk me into staying. I really got along great with my Pop.

[podey]

I moved back in with the folks after college for 10 months to save up $$ for an apartment rental in NYC. I think my parents would have let me stay forever, but also wanted me to get out and experience the world on my own. I am so grateful that I could do this because it really gave me a leg up financially. However, they did charge me rent, which is something I think every parent should do, no matter how nominal.

[zoey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by armor99 I do not think this is a WASP mentality per say.... I believe it is an distinctly "American" value. America from the very beginning has valued rugged individualism. We did not build the western frontier by "playing it safe" at home. The idea that this is a country where even being born poor does not automatically mean you will remain poor for the rest of your life. But for that sort of change in someones life to occur, means that you will have to take risks, be responsible for yourself and your actions etc. The first big risk than any man or woman takes in life is actually leaving home. I would go so far to say that at least from a male perspective, you are not truly a "man" untill you can manage to live on your own, and support yourself.

This "American" value you describe isn't one that all cultures in America can relate to. This tends to be a WASP view of what an American is. What makes a man "truly a man" may have nothing to do with living on his own. Instead it could be helping a sister, or brother get her/his education and taking care of his aging parents, or working in the family business. In many cultures it isn't to leave your family and go out on your own. That's why I said "WASP" and not "American" since America is not just one culture or race and we don't all have the same values. In my experience, what you describe is very WASP centric.

I was questioning why WASPs view family living together in such a negative light.

[megacorp-firee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoey This "American" value you describe isn't one that all cultures in America can relate to. This tends to be a WASP view of what an American is. What makes a man "truly a man" may have nothing to do with living on his own. Instead it could be helping a sister, or brother get her/his education and taking care of his aging parents, or working in the family business. In many cultures it isn't to leave your family and go out on your own. That's why I said "WASP" and not "American" since America is not just one culture or race and we don't all have the same values. In my experience, what you describe is very WASP centric. I was questioning why WASPs view family living together in such a negative light.

We had a earlier thread that was similiar to this one. There was some discussion of extended families and how that it was prevalent in immigrant and 1st generation families (from both Europe and Asia). This is especially true in the big metro areas where you have recent immigrants from all over the world.
IMO Zoey is correct, kicking the kids out and making them 'MEN', is a WASP viewpoint.

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoey For some reason, most WASPs view these living arrangements in a negative way.

Gosh zoey, I can only base my comments on anecdotal observation, but I gotta say that among our acquaintances, feelings about extended family living arrangements don't seem to have a religious determination to them. I wonder why you call out Protestants as being negative towards combined family living arrangements as opposed to Cathoics or Jews? I just don't see that.

[Texarkandy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoey ......... I was questioning why WASPs view family living together in such a negative light.

I would explain it this way (of course I am generalizing & stereotyping a bit) - it has nothing to do with "families living together",
"extended families" etc. American WASP culture has always had these things & they are not necessarily viewed in a "negative light" as you suggest.

However, American WASP culture highly values & assigns status to self-reliant "provider/producer" men. A man is not a man to be respected if he can't take care of (house, feed, clothe, educate) himself, his wife, & his children.

Children (esp. men) over the age of 30 living with their parents out of economic necessity are not considered to be self-reliant provider/producers. Inability or unwillingness to Provide/Produce, for whatever reason, is low-status and not worthy of respect.

This is how I was brought up & a view I still carry with me (& I'm not that old). However, I think WASP society is changing in many places & these values are not quite as prevalent as they once were. I do think these values still exist in much of "flyover" America though.

[zoey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texarkandy I would explain it this way (of course I am generalizing & stereotyping a bit) - it has nothing to do with "families living together", "extended families" etc. American WASP culture has always had these things & they are not necessarily viewed in a "negative light" as you suggest. However, American WASP culture highly values & assigns status to self-reliant "provider/producer" men. A man is not a man to be respected if he can't take care of (house, feed, clothe, educate) himself, his wife, & his children. Children (esp. men) over the age of 30 living with their parents out of economic necessity are not considered to be self-reliant provider/producers. Inability or unwillingness to Provide/Produce, for whatever reason, is low-status and not worthy of respect. This is how I was brought up & a view I still carry with me (& I'm not that old). However, I think WASP society is changing in many places & these values are not quite as prevalent as they once were. I do think these values still exist in much of "flyover" America though.

Texarkandy, thanks for the response to my question. I think you've summed it up. The value is placed on the man being a "self-reliant provider/producer."

What I noticed on this thread is that people are complaining about either living with family, or spending time with them during a visit and that's why I mentioned the "negative light". It's not my view, but the view of those on this thread and I'm just making an observation.