How Couples Choose When to Retire

[ziggy29]

Apologies if this has already been posted; didn't see it:

How Couples Decide When to Retire - WSJ.com

(my emphasis added)

The odds are your spouse won't feel the same way you do about when to retire. A recent study by Fidelity Investments found that well over half of couples—62%—disagree on the timing of their respective retirements.

...

The talks about when to retire seem much more sensitive and difficult than the question of where to retire (which I recently examined in an article in these pages, "He Says Maine, She Says Florida"). The question of when involves focusing on money, age differences, job satisfaction and gender roles—often all at the same time. Not to mention marital happiness and the prospect of more time together.

I would include health considerations to the above -- whether you are healthy enough to keep working, whether or not you could afford non-employer health insurance if you were not healthy, et cetera.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I enjoyed that series in the WSJ, too. And thought it was interesting that some of the couples had different ideas about retirement. I guess it is a good thing that my DH and I would race for the door like some kind of 3 Stooges skit if given the chance!

 

[Midpack]

Good article, DW and I disagree.

I retired last Jun at 57 with DW's (age 55) encouragement. She told me she planned to keep working. But I assumed after a few months with me at home and her at work, she'd change her mind. After more than 9 months she hasn't, that's what I get for not taking her at her word even after 32 years together.

She still likes her job, though she's had some medical issues and I think she feels an obligation to provide (employer) health care for us. I got several quotes for health insurance before I retired and it was available, but most of them said when DW had gone 5 years or more without any serious medical issues, the rates would be lower. I think that has really affected her POV.

Yesterday she said her CEO boss had announced his plan to retire summer 2014 (lengthy succession plan required). She told me she was thinking she'd just retire when he does. That coincides nicely with her 5 year health care premium threshold.

Life is full of surprises. Maybe I'll go back to work when she retires just for fun...

 

[ziggy29]

I guess it is a good thing that my DH and I would race for the door like some kind of 3 Stooges skit if given the chance!

Right now I think that will be us, too, though time will tell how much she comes to enjoy her new ministry career. In any event, even if she didn't want to retire when I did, I'd be willing to follow her as long as I still could.

 

[harley]

This is an important topic, and one that can cause a lot of confusion and dissention. They say talk about everything, but talking and communicating are two completely different things. I talked to DW for years, 10 or more about my desire to ER and my plans, hopes, thoughts, etc. When I got the chance to FIRE by taking a buyout she was taken off guard, but said "go for it". She was already not working due to the family business she worked in getting sold. So when I FIREd I was ready for my dream life. But after a year or two she was getting cranky and unhappy. When I asked her why she said she wasn't ready to be retired. I said "but, but ,but, we talked about this!". She said I talked about it, but she pretty much tuned me out because she didn't really believe it would ever happen.

Luckily, now that we've been FIREd for 6 years she's gotten more used to it. We love where we've moved to, and she's gotten so used to the slower pace of life here that she hates going back to the city (where DD and DGD live) too. She's found a passion that she is working on turning into a career. That's fine with me. FIRE, kept man, it all fits into my future plans.

 

[W2R]

Wow, interesting article, Ziggy29. I had no idea that so many couples had difficulty agreeing on when to retire.

In our case, I had my retirement date planned for a long time ahead of time, so he knew when that would be. For about a year before I retired, his program was winding down and laying off everyone, in stages. He waited until he was laid off about 3 months after me and chose to retire at that time. That worked out really well for us.

 

[ziggy29]

They say talk about everything, but talking and communicating are two completely different things.

Well put. "Talking" doesn't necessarily imply mutual listening. Communicating does.

 

[MichaelB]

Yes, many couples do not see eye to eye when it comes to retirement. I think in a way it is similar to the discussion on college tuition, when the parents and child find they are thinking different things. By then it's too late to avoid hard feelings and resentment.

Retirement is a goal that needs to be shared by both partners, and it needs to be talked about early and often. Early retirement more so, and even that does not assure it will happen, but it will help.

 

[Moemg]

My SO is a repeat retiree .He retired when I did but got bored and went back to work then he retired again and got bored and returned to work . This has happened several times and it really does not affect our relationship . We still travel together and spend a lot of time together . Currently he is working from home so he is very flexible . IMO as long as both individuals are happy with their choices and the other partner respects their choices the partnership will flourish.

 

[ziggy29]

For about a year before I retired, his program was winding down and laying off everyone, in stages. He waited until he was laid off about 3 months after me and chose to retire at that time. That worked out really well for us.

Yeah, my "dream outcome" is to be laid off and given a nice severance package right as I was gearing up to pack it in anyway...

 

[akck]

Earlier, my wife said we'd not work a day past the day I retire. Well, she decided to help pay for graduate school for the kids. I told her I didn't sign up for that (I'll help with what I can, but I won't work for them to go to school). So now, she'll be working a minimum of 2 years after I retire. I've been working on her and other friends that what they are doing is working so the kids don't have to. At some point that has to stop. So I'm putting my foot down and retiring on schedule, even though she and some of her friends are hinting I should work as long as she does. Currently, 2/3 of her pay check goes to paying student loans. I'm guessing 100% will go to loans by the time I retire.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Currently, 2/3 of her pay check goes to paying student loans. I'm guessing 100% will go to loans by the time I retire.

Boy, howdy...that is something that I could never do, especially for someone else to go to school. I sure hope you can talk some sense into her and that you hold firm on your own plans. Yikes!

 

[TeeRuh]

Guess we were lucky. Never even gave it a thought that we needed to agree on "when". I retired when I could; she worked two more years because she wanted to. No conflict; no issue. That's good (as is our marriage).

 

[RetireBy90]

Read this on Saturday and thought the DW might enjoy it so passed it along. She returned the paper saying "this was really interesting". So, I replied asking her what part she found interesting, thinking we may need to discuss some things, but she says she found the whole thing interesting and was just stroking me

I found it really interesting

 

[NYEXPAT]

I was long retired before my wife and children met me, so it was never an issue. In the first grade, (when asked by the teacher what his parents do) He simply replies, Mom works in the hospital and Dad makes money on the computer!

 

[FIREd]

During the planning stages, DW and I seemed to be on the same page regarding retirement dates.

But a number of circumstances have changed that significantly. First, we reached FI years ahead of schedule. For me, the decision to retire was fairly simple. I was bored at my job and, when my contract ended, I decided not to look for another one. DW, though, was actually at a pretty exciting point in her career and retiring at that point was out of the question. A couple years later, she is still not ready. In a few weeks, we will be moving across country so that she can pursue a fantastic job opportunity. By the look of things, she has no intention to retire anytime soon.

 

[W2R]

Yeah, my "dream outcome" is to be laid off and given a nice severance package right as I was gearing up to pack it in anyway...

I think he might have worked longer, had that been an option. I am so glad he didn't, because it was becoming hard on his health. He is still looking for work every week, and would rather have a bigger nestegg, but since this sort of fell in his lap we are living for today and enjoying it immensely. So far, so good.

 

[MBAustin]

In hindsight, DH should probably have retired earlier (on disability) as work affected his health negatively for the last year or so that he worked. I continued w*rking until we were unquestionably FI and was surprised how readily he agreed that I should RE earlier than our original plan (I was going to w*rk until at least this fall when I hit 55). Of course, my j*b stress made life around here pretty miserable for him I suspect - it wasn't until I retired that I realized how unpleasant I must have been to be around. So it all worked out well for us.

 

[Alan]

Fortunately for us we both wanted to retire as soon as we were financially able to. Neither of us liked working enough to want to prolong the experience.

 

[hakuna matata]

I was wondering why I hadn't seen anyone here post on that article, I figured I missed the posting!

I found the article very interesting and was amazed at the high percentages of couples who disagreed on timing of retirement or who hadn't really discussed it.

My wife and I are totally on the same page, but we discuss these issues a lot and that is likely why. 2 years 9 months for her and 2 years 6 months for me! On our respective 55th birthdays. The timing is more on her side than mine as she will have the number of years AND age to retire and get a partial pension. We are just too close to walk away from that steady cash even though I personally feel like we are FI now.

I read articles like that and it makes me appreciate my wife even more!

 

[meekie]

Very interesting. We both would love to get out of our current jobs, but the money is too good right now. We both have plans for semi-retirement/part time jobs though, so if I got laid off tomorrow, I'd just start working towards that. I think DH feels that he needs a few more years and larger nest egg before he retires, but he does make a lot more than me.

When DH was between jobs for a few months, I did have him do laundry and more housework, but it was weird for me to be gone and him to be home. I think the other way around wouldn't seem as weird.

 

[Midpack]

Very interesting. We both would love to get out of our current jobs, but the money is too good right now.

Even that won't hold you back eventually...

 

[Gone4Good]

No go. "I have told him he has to stay working until the last kid is out of college in four years," Ms. Ewing says. "For me it would be annoying not to have someone pulling their weight. I realize he's older. But on a personal level, I don't see it as positive. My perspective is he would putter around the house."

Having watched her own father retire, she also thinks it's healthier to keep working. "I think when people retire they slow way down and become less productive, less interesting, less healthy, less financially robust," says Ms. Ewing. "I plan to work as long as I can."

This doesn't sound like a disagreement about retirement, it seems like a disagreement about who gets to control his life.

She doesn't see it as positive for him to do what he wants. She feels he'll waste his days puttering around the house. She thinks he'll be healthier if he keeps working. She fears he'll become less interesting. All because she plans to work as long as she can.

The solution is pretty simple. Calculate what the budget would be if BOTH spouses retired. If that standard of living is acceptable to both, then anyone who wants to retire can. If that standard of living is unacceptable to both, then nobody retires. If that standard of living is acceptable to one, but not the other, one can choose to retire at that level and the other can choose to keep working to fund the retirement he or she wants. There is no law of nature saying that a married couple's budget needs to be allocated 50/50. He gets to spend 50% of the retirement budget and she gets to spend her half of the retirement budget plus what ever she earns in addition to that.

It's really not that hard.

 

[MichaelB]

This doesn't sound like a disagreement about retirement, it seems like a disagreement about who gets to control his life.

She doesn't see it as positive for him to do what he wants. She feels he'll waste his days puttering around the house. She thinks he'll be healthier if he keeps working. She fears he'll become less interesting. All because she plans to work as long as she can.

The solution is pretty simple. Calculate what the budget would be if BOTH spouses retired. If that standard of living is acceptable to both, then anyone who wants to retire can. If that standard of living is unacceptable to both, then nobody retires. If that standard of living is acceptable to one, but not the other, one can choose to retire at that level and the other can choose to keep working to fund the retirement he or she wants. There is no law of nature saying that a married couple's budget needs to be allocated 50/50. He gets to spend 50% of the retirement budget and she gets to spend her half of the retirement budget plus what ever she earns in addition to that.

It's really not that hard.

For some people it can be that difficult. It's not always just about the numbers. It wouldn't surprise me if the couple you refer to had already done the math and one partner was still unsure. As you point out, it could be a control issue, but it also could be something else. Retirement means moving from one phase of life to another, that that may disrupt some deeper and less well understood feelings or fears - or even unsatisfied ambitions.

Marriage is hard, early retirement is hard, and (IMHO) together they are an order of magnitude more difficult than each is separately. Congratulations to those that have found these easy.

 

[rescueme]

DW/me are the same age and decided to retire in May of 2007 after years of planning.

In mid-April of 2007, DW said that she was not "emotionally ready" to retire as planned. She had some concern (not much) what I would say/feel about the last minute change. Since we had no scheduled joint "things" to do that depending our retiring on a specific timeframe, it really didn't bother me at all. I retired May 1, 2007 and have no regrets.

For almost five years, she continued her employment up to about six weeks ago when she said her "BS bucket " had gotten full (and was even overflowing).

She retired last Monday and although it's just the start of the early "retirement honeymoon" period, she is estatic for her decision to leave.

In our case, it worked out with no problem at all.