How hard is it to make friends after er and a move.

[CardsFan]

In our case, we plan to stay where we are primarily due to friends and family nearby. Work friends have never been our base, though we have had many. Core group starts with DWs high school friends. 40+ years later, still going strong. My closest friends are in this group, not just hers, and the group has expanded to be about 25 people, with spouses and friends of friends.
However, in our past locations we have always had neighbor friends, and are still close with many, even the ones 1200 miles away.
BTW, we have friends that moved to The Villages last year, and they have found it easy to fit in and make new friends. The social activities make it easy. They still come back for golf outings and girls trips, so you can move and still stay friends.
Years ago we moved to a new location, with our 6 year old son. The new school was our place to meet new people. Some warned us that it was a "clique". It was, but all you had to do to join was show up and participate.

[gcgang]

I've found it pretty easy to make new acquaintances. We moved a couple of years ago and joined a board at our daughters junior high school, and a golf club. The golf friends are working out great. The school stuff not so much.

There are more people here that share my interests than in our old location of 30+ years, although we still enjoy spending a couple of months in the summer at our old location.

I stay in touch with longtime friends/family thru regular phone contact, and occasional rendezvous thru travel.


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[gauss]

Have met many new friends since being ER'd because:

#1) I had much more free time to be exposed to the world
#2) I got involved with various organization/volunteer activities
(organizations love new members who actually aren't afraid to contribute)

-gauss

[Helen]

I have met a lot of new friends through meetup groups. It's a great way to meet people who share similar interests.

I've also met a guy at Starbucks (we both had dogs and were wearing hiking pants). He is an avid hiker and introduced me to his friends who like to hike.

I've also met new people by taking classes at the gym.

This is all in the last 20 months since retiring. I thought it would be a lot more difficult to meet new friends.

[NC 57]

Most of our work friends gave drifted away since ER. However, the biggest surprise since ER has been the number of new and surprisingly close friends we have made.

We bought a lightly used, 3 year old Airstream travel trailer about a year before retirement thinking we would use it to travel around the USA and Canada our first 2-3 years after retirement. We bought a used trailer to minimize the loss on sale in case we didn't like the experience. We expected to be traveling as a couple and didn't consider there might be a social aspect to the RV life.

On a whim we attended a regional Airstream trailer rally in Florida we learned about on the Airstream Internet forums. There we met several delightful ER couples about our age. Before we knew it we were invited to attend other rallies and gatherings of a small group of couples spread across the southeast who enjoy getting together every few months. Between gatherings we stay in touch over the Internet and by phone. In addition we bought a campsite in an Airstream park in the mountains of Virginia where we spend a few weeks in the summer with other Airstream owners who have also become friends.

The past two years we've spent 100 nights per year in the trailer. If health issues hadn't interfered we'd likely be out camping 200 nights per year. We've taken some great trips by ourselves but on each trip it seems we meet another interesting couple, with whom we maintain contact, or we arrange to meet one of our camping friends who lives along the route we are taking. The entire RV community is very friendly and filled with interesting people living life to the fullest.

If we had not retired early, and tried the RV experience, we would not have established these wonderful relationships. Three years into retirement the last thing I worry about is making friends.


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[bUU]

We just moved from Boston to Atlanta, ostensibly for my spouse's job (though at our own expense), but with a firm eye toward impending retirement. Our plan, as yet not fully realized, was to build a new life for ourselves built on strong pillars.

The first is church. We were very active at church in Boston and leaving our church family behind was the biggest loss from our old life. We joined a new church this past weekend, one we deliberately scouted out before we made the decision to move, and we have strong hopes that we will find not just faith development and a fulfilled sense of purpose there, but also the same sense of family that we had with many folks at our prior church.

The second is community. Here we're treading new ground. While we knew the names of some of our neighbors in Boston, we want to try to make a better go of it here in the Atlanta area. We're hitting the same obstacles that we hit up north - neighbors who have little interest in getting to know their neighbors - but hopefully our continued efforts will bear fruit. It has been winter, of course, and even here I think folks shut themselves in until warmth returns.

The third is activity. We renewed prior, failed commitments to each other to engage in various activities for which we share interests: Our new home is a reasonable drive from beautiful parks we would love to walk and eventually hike, including engaging with the programmed groups that the parks and the city offer. We are deliberately scouting out volunteer opportunities beyond church, with an eye toward that which we would love to do once we retire.

The fourth was the social side of work. My spouse had work colleagues here (which is why we moved here), and part of the plan was to deliberately include me in work activities of a social nature (since the move meant that I would be working remotely and therefore with no work colleagues in the area). That hasn't panned out yet, though my spouse grants that it was due to lack of effort, which can be remedied.

Family is an honorable mention. We have no family in Atlanta, and came here with no friends we knew. But my spouse's family is 3 1/2 hours away, and so the move would put us within reach of my spouse's cousins, for what that was worth. The move put us a long day's drive from my family in New York, but part of the plan included a commitment to visit for a full week once a year. That actually would represent a significant increase in family time for us: From Boston, we would visit New York for a few hours, four or five times a year, max.

I don't think this can be considered advice, because it remains unfulfilled and as likely to fail as to succeed. But the message is, I feel, that friendship is such a critical part of life that it needs to be considered and planned just like others that are more traditionally factored into such decisions, i.e., affordability, culture, etc.

[Sarah in SC]

NC57, I can attest to the warmth of Airstreamers and the friendliness of RVers in general. When we first bought our Argosy MH, we went to a few events and felt very welcome. Though we don't use ours anywhere near as much as you do, it is definitely a great way to meet people! Glad you are enjoying yours!

[pb4uski]

Quote:

Originally Posted by longranger As DW and myself ponder when to retire we(more me) worry about making new friends to share our free time with, particularly if we move from our longtime home in socal to a lower cost area. As much as work causes me way too much stress I am surrounded by people I have known and mostly liked for 25 years. I assume, with the exception of my closest friends, most of that will go away when I retire even if we stay in socal. Any words of wisdom as to what we should expect socially when we move into this next phase of our lives?

It was pretty easy for us as we started connecting with other retirees that live nearby through our hobby of golf... we are 5-10 years younger, but still get along great. I have found that I have less contact with our non-work friends than when we were working only because they are too busy working... but they live about a half-hour further away since we moved just before retiring so the longer distance may be part of the difference as well.

[Live And Learn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1 We moved into a 55+ community 5 years ago, and there are a lot of new people making friends and a lot of activities..

I had the same concern about making friends and moving to a 55+ community was my solution also ! There are so many activities. I've met several people that I know I will be hanging out with once I ER (I'm still working, they are not). I've actually taken a couple of vacation days to go with them to a couple of mid-day community activities.

The other thing I've done is become much more active in my Church. I've met so many wonderful people that I know I will hang out with once I'm ER'd.

At the same time, I'm comfortable spending time with myself and have no issue going to the park, museums, concerts, etc by myself (DH doesn't like doing these things).

And then there is always the dog ... who is actually my best friend.

[EastWest Gal]

Hobbies, dogs (you need to walk your dog all over the neighborhood a couple of times/day), meetup groups, anything where people get together will result in friends. I would look for active activities--for example, if you like theater, volunteer to help build or paint the sets, rather than just sitting in the audience. You'll make friends, You'll be appreciated, you'll get free tickets, and you get to wear your worst clothes! Or be an usher--not much work, the shows run 2-3 weeks, maybe 8-15 shows then you're done.

We still vacation about every 3 years with DH's college roommate, who we lived very near for 10 years, and was one of our best babysitters. In fact we'll be vacationing together in May.

[Newventurer]

Go to any proposed new location and see what occurs during the day, now that you will be home during that time as opposed to going to work. If everyone goes to work during the day your social needs may not be met. On the other hand you can be invaluable to help others with minor chores that they don't have time or are not home for (put trash cans up, take recycle to the facility, let dog out, meet cable guy, etc) which can endear you to them and make you an invaluable part of the neighborhood. I think there is real merit to some of the 'new' multigenerational living groups that are being tested in some areas of the country (it takes a village approach).

One other suggestion is to keep your options open early on in the meet and greet process of integrating yourself into the neighborhood. You may find out later that there is a reason that a certain couple seems most interested in developing a relationship with you, possibly looking for new blood that aren't aware of their bad habits. There can be competition in neighborhoods to win over the new arrivals first. Stay open and flexible and don't over commit early on. Establish your boundaries and you are likely to attract like minded folk.

[imoldernu]

How hard is it to make friends after er and a move?

The question is excellent, and the key is the "move".

DW and I have been around long enough to appreciate the importance of the "move", after seeing so many, many couples who have made a mistake in choosing "where" to move. Couples who fell in love with the house or the surroundings or the promises of the real estate agent. Couples who wasted several years of early retirement because they didn't take the time to find out what life was like, beyond the house.

Whether moving to a retirement community, or some other quarters that could become permanent, we fervently believe that the time taken in choosing the relocation will have a payback in happiness. Instead of a "make do" life, one that fits your own personality.

After retiring to a campground in the early days, (blind luck in a quick choice), we took our time... three months... in looking for our snowbird Florida community. From Kentucky to Georgia, to Texas, and then ten cities in Florida... perhaps 60 different communities to explore... we narrowed it down, then spent days in visiting our new choice and then a month renting... meeting the people... seeing for ourselves the level of activity, checking out the surrounding towns for cost of living, shopping, government etc... and then making our choice. 24+ years living there, not a day of regret.

Even most of our friends in Florida made the choice, by luck... a week to look around, an hour or two per community w/realtor. By the same token, a very high percent of those who finally found what they wanted in our community, spent months to years in a bad choice. It's not the glitter, but the gold underneath.

Not that our choice would be yours, but making a choice for life for years to come, may be one of the most important decisions for the rest of your life.

[Amethyst]

I agree with wanting the gold not just the glitter, but how did you manage to spend a month here and there just renting? Did you stay in a long-stay motel?

Amethyst

Quote:

Originally Posted by imoldernu From Kentucky to Georgia, to Texas, and then ten cities in Florida... perhaps 60 different communities to explore... we narrowed it down, then spent days in visiting our new choice and then a month renting... .

[Gazingus]

http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...ips-67739.html


I really enjoy my friends that manage other offices, but when we're together, the talk is very job-centric. I'm the only one with ER plans and I just know that I won't be able to talk about the latest work developments and they probably don't want to hear about ER lifestyle, so we will drift apart except for a couple of bosom buddies.


No worries about having a social life, though. Not enough time now for family, old friends, and church friends. That's one reason to ER, so I can spend more time with the people on the "other" side of my life.

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Live And Learn I had the same concern about making friends and moving to a 55+ community was my solution also ! There are so many activities. I've met several people that I know I will be hanging out with once I ER (I'm still working, they are not). I've actually taken a couple of vacation days to go with them to a couple of mid-day community activities. The other thing I've done is become much more active in my Church. I've met so many wonderful people that I know I will hang out with once I'm ER'd. At the same time, I'm comfortable spending time with myself and have no issue going to the park, museums, concerts, etc by myself (DH doesn't like doing these things). And then there is always the dog ... who is actually my best friend.

We actually moved into the 55+ community due to its location as well as the amenities. We already had a pretty good network established locally. But we notice how quickly many newcomers, often new retirees, get "plugged into" the active local social scene. We don't actually participate that much ourselves, but we see many folks when do and really enjoy it. We also have made some new friends in the neighborhood.

[Watertree]

Simply put, making new friends after er and making a move is very easy!

The first and hardest step is the first step in making new friends is to make the first step! Our move after er was to a small college town, Murray KY. I joined local country club, Lions Club and church. Wife joined Womans Club, church and bible study group.

Meeting new people is a two way street. If you want new friends, you have to be a friend. Any club or social group is always looking for new members because their current members either move, have health problems or die.

We also babysit often for two grandchildren ages 5 and 18 months. What a joy to be a part of grandchildren growing up. Babysitting is easy. Just spoil the grandkids and let their Mom and Dad take them home.

[imoldernu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst I agree with wanting the gold not just the glitter, but how did you manage to spend a month here and there just renting? Did you stay in a long-stay motel? Amethyst

Well, admittedly, it was a long time ago... 1990, but we stayed a week at a time in different areas, in a motel... then, as was the common thing to do, a two or three day stay in the community, in one of the model homes... finally to rent for a month in the community we chose... before buying. Easier to do then, than today. It was the age of the
"Y'all come on down and see us" development stage in the late 80's early 90's in Florida.
Today, not so much. Even "The Villages", which used to offer free, three day stays now charges as much or more than the local motels.

DIL is on the "hunt" today... even as I write this... living in our FL community, and using it as a base to look for a permanent home, somewhere in the south, for when my son retires in another year. The four of us spent several days together a year ago, traveling to different communities, as I plied them with instructions as to how to look deep into the communities to match up with people, and not just houses. She retired two months ago and is doing the research. A labor of love.

[flyingaway]

An interesting observation is that, once I become less interested in my work and more interested in FIRE, I actually lose some friends who are still working on a 13 month schedule. They do not have time to play cards with me, and gradually, I do not invite them any more.

Maybe I should move to a different place once I FIRE, if all my friends are still working. I am currently to be in a self-declared semi-retired phase and find it is difficult to have proper conversations with my workaholic friends. (I used to work on a 13 month schedule and were more workaholic than most of my friends).

[Amethyst]

OK, so that makes it a bit harder to follow your advice, unfortunately.

It comes down to...stay in motels and try to stay with relatives if you have them. So basically, a week in each place. How would you recommend spending that amount of time for most effective research?

Amethyst

Quote:

Originally Posted by imoldernu Well, admittedly, it was a long time ago... .... Easier to do then, than today.

[longranger]

Thanks all for the great shared information. What I take away from this thread is a pretty high level of comfort that with a little effort I can have as many friends as I need to enjoy retirement with even if I make relocate to a different area of the country for financial reasons. Excellent!