I feel I may have a problem with hoarding money..

[daylatedollarshort]

The Mr. Money Mustache forums have a younger, more marriage age and very frugal crowd. You might ask there for some suggestions on how to have a nice wedding while still keeping the costs in check.

 

[Redbugdave]

I'm with the rest of the group and think you are pretty level headed. Weddings are a waste of good money when it can be used or invested elsewhere.

 

[tryan]

wow ... and I thought I was a tightwad ...

 

[kaudrey]

I originally wanted to plan for $10K to $15K but it looks like it'll be at least $20K for an entire package (average priced venue, flowers, DJ, food, etc.) with all the guests who found out and want to come..

That's your first problem. It doesn't matter who wants to come, it matters who you want to invite. Weddings are expensive. We got married just outside of Washington, DC, about 5 months ago at a very nice venue with 70 people and it cost about $12K in total - including my dress, the rings, and everything else.

We could have had 150 people, but opted to go for close friends and family only. A budget is a budget. Stick to it.

If you want more people, make it more casual. Less people = fancier. We thought long and hard about doing it more casual than we did, as well as doing different things (having it a mansion, or a vineyard etc), but in the end found the middle ground that met our budget and made us happy.

 

[SJ1_]

Personally, I think you are just being financially smart, which means you probably have to get used to being a financial outlier. My husband and I were married at a courthouse and bought a house with the money we had saved up.

Do you really have to spend a lot of money to have a memorable wedding attended by family and friends? I have been to nice pot luck wedding receptions in backyards and rec rooms.

Here is a related video making the rounds on the frugal forums on costly engagement rings -

Why Engagement Rings Are a Scam - CollegeHumor Video

(crude language warning)

We also got married at the courthouse and I also agree you are being financially smart.
Spending to much on a wedding can add a lot of stress.
Not sure how your future spouse feels but how you think about and spending
money is a major issue in marriage.

 

[retirein15]

I think weddings are over rated. I thought the bride's family usually foots the bill? Most weddings I attended could have done without all the extras. Have a small wedding and everybody meet at the bar afterwards! If having an expensive wedding is important to her then maybe you two aren't as compatible as you think? Do you talk finances? There's nothing worse than one spouse wishing to save and the other likes spending. It's a disaster in the making, IMHO.

LOL, my disaster and I have been married for 45 years and getting ready to ER 2015. She is finally coming around to my frugal way of thinking but I can say it has been a struggle at times. Once she got on board with the FIRE concept it was like night and day.It is better when you both are on the same page financially, but it can work. Just some words of encouragement for the wedding planner.

 

[Shawn]

For as long as I've known her, she's been quite frugal in her everyday spending.. way more than most of my friends but not to my extreme degree.

Why do you believe your attitude is extreme? It does not come across that way in your posts. You come across as thoughtful and financially prudent.

How does your fiancee feel about the wedding costs? Better yet, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? Suppose you were still a graduate student and she was the one with a modest job and was reluctant to spend $5000 on a wedding deposit. Would you want her to spend a sizable fraction of her income/savings if it made her feel uncomfortable? Would your feelings as to what she should pay change if it was your parents who gave you $100K for a house down payment? I cannot speak for others, but if I was the fiancee, I would 1) want my future partner to feel comfortable with decisions, 2) want to be realistic about finances, and 3) want to pay my share of the costs (that is what adults do) and/or lower my expectations if I felt the costs were too high.

Obviously, none of this means you should not spend the money on the wedding. It's your money and it is up to you. But $5000 (or $20,000) is a lot, especially for someone in your situation. There is nothing wrong with using these funds in other ways that may be more important to you. And there is nothing wrong with saving the money. This is not hoarding.

Interestingly enough, I recently "loaned" my pet sitter $5000 to help pay the veterinary bills for her cat. She does not have a lot of money and her husband recently lost his job. I have no expectation that this loan will be repaid. I have the resources to provide these funds because I've saved and invested the majority of my paychecks during my life. I have the flexibility to spend money on things that are important to me because I do not spend money on things that are not as important to me. I am very happy that I had the resources to help. But these resources did not come by accident. They came from financial decisions made earlier in life.

Will you need the $5000 (or $20,000) later in your life?

 

[Walt34]

The 2nd time around I spent about $1,500 in 1988 and since it was her first wedding I didn't mind that. She found a $200 dress at J.C. Penny, the guest list was 25 people, ceremony in the chapel of a local church, reception at a local restaurant, not lavish by any means, and 4-day honeymoon at Deep Creek Lake in MD about 4 hours away.

We had a bigger backyard party one year later. I think it was potluck but can't remember. I do remember burgers & hot dogs on the grill. Certainly not catered though.

Next July it'll be 26 years ago. She still thinks I'm "the best thing that ever happened" to her. Hopefully she'll never wise up.

It doesn't take gobs of money spent in one week to make a marriage. I'd venture further and say that if doing so causes a lot of stress then it isn't a good idea at all.

 

[timwalsh300]

We got married for under $10k (including engagement ring, the dress, wedding bands, ceremony, reception, and honeymoon) despite having about 100 guests. We were fortunate that family and friends gave their time and talents to help with things like invitations, a cake, music, and photography.

We had a few moments in which we disagreed on spending, but those were important conversations. I've learned that honestly expressing our concerns to each other, and taking each other's concerns seriously, is key to our happiness. I think the concerns about your income and job outlook are valid, and your fiancee needs to be understanding.

In retrospect, I think a smaller wedding would be better. You worry about not sharing the moment with people if you don't invite them, but with 100 guests you don't really get to share the moment with anybody. I only spent a few minutes with each person. I like the idea of doing something with immediate family and a few best friends. It would be more enjoyable. You could also get a nicer venue and better food while spending less overall.

Tim

 

[W2R]

So more than 6 months net income for a one day event? When you are worried about job security?

Not wanting to spend that much of your income on a wedding isn't hoarding. It is really just being practical and realistic about what you can afford.

+10000

One more who is urging you to trust your own gut instincts on this one, and to have a long, heart-to-heart talk with your fiancee about money.

 

[Papa bear]

Most of the focus here has been on the wedding expense. However, living in California at 40k annual in finance with a masters and 3-5 years of experience? Get some confidence with interviews, have some friends help out with your résumé, call a few head hunters and get a 30-50% raise! Then the wedding hurt won't feel so bad.

 

[Sue J]

If you feel this bad about the $5000 deposit, how are you going to feel when your budget of $10,000-$15,000 slips closer to $20,000 or more because you have to do things "right" or invite another cluster of people who expect to be invited?

Are you going to be able to enjoy a day that costs you half your yearly salary before taxes?

Sit down with the fiancé and talk about what the two of you really want and at what price to your future. Concentrate on what's important for the marriage, not what happens on one day, for one dinner party. Make it about the two of you, not other people's expectations.

And, we LIKE money hoarders here!

 

[daylatedollarshort]

When you talk to your fiance, discuss first what kind of emergency fund you want to have and other life goals and purchases besides the wedding. Draw up a financial plan with a big picture view together of where you want to be in one year, five years, etc.

An emergency fund of at least one year wouldn't be overly cautious by most standards today, plus houses are expensive to furnish, insure, heat, cool, pay property tax on, repair, have the gutters cleaned, etc. You'll need to have enough money to support your new house even with your current job.

You don't want to set yourself up to have a big wedding, use up your emergency fund, get laid off and be out of work for a year, and then get the house foreclosed on and lose part or all of your $100K equity.

It is good to hope for the best, but financially plan for the worst.

 

[travelover]

............It doesn't take gobs of money spent in one week to make a marriage. I'd venture further and say that if doing so causes a lot of stress then it isn't a good idea at all.

Great point. Spending 20 grand in one splashy pop vs using 20 grand to enrich the marriage over a number of years is (was) an easy choice for me. Ten years from now no one will care whether you got married at the Justice of the Peace or in a 300 person extravaganza.

 

[rodi]

Some said the reception is just a party. This is very true - but catering places charge more if it is a party associated with a wedding. We ran into this when we were having a "party" a month after our wedding for the folks in the town we lived (hubbies relatives) vs the folks where my family is. We got a quote per person for a party. We signed a contract. Then they found out that it was a wedding celebration, they tried to add $30/head. I flipped out and pointed out that we would have been married for more than month it was NOT a wedding. It helped that I already had a signed contract with the original price.

Guest list management is the biggest key to saving $$ on a wedding. You do NOT need to invite relatives who you don't ever see, friends' parents, etc... Just the people you actually have a close relationship with. Not acquaintances.

Congratulations on your engagement.

 

[ERsoonihope]

OK, here's the deal. It's only money. It's not like it's something important, like a relationship. Sometimes you just need to grit your teeth, spend the money, and get on with life. It's sort of like agonizing over a tip in a restaurant. If you go cheap, you are still going to be wondering if you're a cheapskate three days later. If you overtip, it hurts for about ten minutes and then you forget about it. Spend the money. Feel bad for ten minutes. Then enjoy your bride, your life, and your future. There is plenty of money ahead.

 

[Maenad]

We eloped, and it was the Best Decision Ever. Seriously. We've had big parties for our friends for our 5-year, 10-year, and 15-year anniversaries, though we're thinking of doing a luxury vacation for just the two of us for our 20th. It's been loads of fun, and way less stress than a wedding. Our families weren't happy with it at first, but they got over it, especially as the years went by and we have a happier marriage than many of my cousins whose parents shelled out a lot of $$$.

 

[photoguy]

Her family is fine with a modest wedding.. although they expect us to have a house before the wedding (hence the downpayment.) My family doesn't really care but probably won't be providing any financial support.

We got married in Palo Alto for about 7k (10 years ago). We kept the guest list small (less than 50), did a morning wedding (officiated by a friend who became an online "minister" -- fully legal though), and had a lunch reception.

To save money on the rehearsal dinner, we rented a barbecue spot in a park ($50) and went to costco to get food. It was actually the nicest part of the wedding.

I'm still envious of my friend though who got married at city hall.

 

[Sue J]

Her family provided her with almost 100K for a downpayment for a 300K house.. I jointly applied with her for the mortgage a few weeks ago (since she cannot afford it on her own with a grad student's salary.) In this situation, I cannot fathom how asking her to foot any part of the wedding costs would be fair.

For as long as I've known her, she's been quite frugal in her everyday spending.. way more than most of my friends but not to my extreme degree.

As for our honeymoon, I have enough Chase Ultimate Rewards for a round trip ticket for 2 to Europe or Asia and possibly some hotel stays (played the Credit Card Rewards "game" last year to rack up over 100K points) so only a few thousand dollars more should suffice.

Please be careful. How much is the mortgage payment going to be for a 200K mortgage? Be sure to include 1/12th of your property tax bill and 1/12th of your homeowners insurance bill as these will probably be included in your monthly payment. If wedding costs are making you uncomfortable monthly mortgage payments will make you nauseous.

We were 21 and almost done with college when we got married. My parents did the whole thing. It really was their party, we were just the main act. If I had been older and wiser (and stronger) I would have preferred a courthouse wedding and a nice dinner with just close family and a few friends. After hashing over every little detail and deciding that stuffed mushrooms were very important during the cocktail hour, I spent the entire time in the receiving line and never even got one.

 

[Forrest]

There's only one rule - you and your wife to be need to discuss your wedding plans and come to a joint decision that you're both happy with. Don't bother making any other plans until this happens.

There are lots of good idea's in this thread. Some people like large weddings, others (including me and my wife don't like large groups and preferred a very small wedding). My wife and I thought it was more important to spend money on a house down payment than a 1 day party.

You can always renew your vows at a later date, and have a different type of ceremony - it's your choice. Have fun.

 

[dontworry]

Whatever happened to the days when the BRIDE'S parents paid for most of the cost??

I think this varies by region but I think it's common here to split the costs in half. My DH and I paid for half of each of my step-daughters' weddings. However, both the weddings were pretty frugal, no fancy stuff. We live very rural and most weddings here aren't too expensive (thank goodness).

 

[dontworry]

To the OP, you definitely need to sit down with your sweetie and discuss this. Maybe there are certain things she will be willing to spend less on. Find out what's most important to her about the day. It is true that some of us silly women dream about our weddings years before they actually occur . Decide on a budget together and then stick to it. Decide on a max number of guests to invite and stick to it. It won't be easy but you guys will get there and it will be wonderful! Congratulations!

 

[ragnarkar]

Thanks everyone! I've spoken with my fiancee and she agrees that we should stick with our original budget if possible and the additional money is best invested in our future.

 

[ragnarkar]

Most of the focus here has been on the wedding expense. However, living in California at 40k annual in finance with a masters and 3-5 years of experience? Get some confidence with interviews, have some friends help out with your résumé, call a few head hunters and get a 30-50% raise! Then the wedding hurt won't feel so bad.

This is the next problem to tackle and I've devised an extensive but potentially risky plan.

Background

I currently work at a the US branch of a multinational financial firm. There are just 2 employees at their only US branch: my supervisor and I.

I'm also pursuing the CFA charter (think of CFA as the equivalent of CPA for Finance.) The CFA's code of Ethics requires us to get permission our employers if we do anything that is Finance-related in our spare time (more on the relevance of this late.)

The Plan

My plan carries the risk of potentially losing my current job and putting in a ton of hours outside of work.. the reward = building new connections that'll hopefully lead to a better job/career.

Charlie Hoehn, a 2009 college graduate, used the tactic of offering to work for free at many different companies to build his extensive network and land his dream job rapidly.

I'm planning something similar:

Step 1: Find Financial firms I'd be interested in and do extensive research including what projects/issues they may be facing.

Step 2: Go to local Networking Events or search on LinkedIn to find managers at these firms. Contact them, maybe meet them for coffee, and make a proposal to help them by working for free.

Step 3: Note that the CFA ethics requires me to seek permission from my boss before working part time for another company (even if for free.) Now, at a normal company with multiple employees and being paid a fair wage, this would immediately put my job at jeopardy. However, since I'm the only employee in the office and am being paid far below my market value, it affords some leeway. It's likely gonna be an awkward conversation with my supervisor and he will likely refuse.

Step 4a: If my supervisor refuses my request for permission to work part time (for free), then I'll ask for another raise in a few days. Hopefully, after doing this a few times, he'll get the picture.

Step 4b: If my supervisor grants permission, then it's off to the races.

Thoughts?

 

[Mrs. Photo Guy]

City Hall - Not all it's cracked up to be

I'm still envious of my friend though who got married at city hall.

Unfortunately for you, Mrs. Photo Guy didn't want to get married at City Hall. But it was a lovely wedding.

That being said, a wedding is not worth breaking the bank. And this is a great time to make sure you are both on the same page financially. It's so much better to have a wedding you can afford and not start your marriage in the hole financially. We didn't spend a lot on our wedding (and I wish we had spent even less), but it was beautiful and our wonderful memories are completely unrelated to how much we spent on it. We went to a wedding where we estimated they spent $75,000-$100,000 on the festivities, and honestly ours was a lot more fun, especially the barbecue the night before.