Just among our close friends: One couple sent their adult son to 1) welding school 2) two different undergraduate programs 3) graduate program 4) certification training for physical therapy. The kid was married with two children and in his early 30s before he EVER took a job beyond mowing lawns, etc. The couple eventually retired as virtual paupers. Don't know what happened to the kid as we have lost track of our friends. We could no longer spend evenings with them, listening to their continuing tales of woe. They never listened to our advice but they did ask us for money (a good way to kill a friendship.)
A current friend who w*rked with me at Megacorp retired very early (age 50) with a "package" which I was not eligible for at the time. That was 22 years ago. He is still bailing out (literally) his dope smoking son. He supplies son with cars so he can get to w*rk to meet the requirements of his release. Son recently got a DUI and had a firearm in the vehicle - and then resisted arrest. To save his son from a year in jail, friend paid for ankle bracelet/monitoring system and AGAIN got him a car so he could find a new job. Friend can barely feed himself and wife and keep his own car and house going. Friend's wife spends hundreds of dollars per year purchasing "gifts" for their daughter who is a professional with good salary. These folks have ruined their retirement because of the perceived "responsibility" toward their kids.
Another couple just retired at 62. At the end of the month, they eat whatever is left in the pantry (tuna helper, mac and cheese, canned foods, etc.). Their two daughters (about 30 and 35) consume most of the "spare" money and almost all of their time. The 35 yo is a professional, but "expects" mom and dad to drive 60 miles, one way, to baby sit so she and hubby can go out. 30 year old, still recovering from a destructive divorce expects mom and dad to keep her horse boarded and supply her with a farm truck and a car so that she can work her medial job but still ride her horse. The couple HAD to purchase a 5th wheel camper (and a big truck) so that the extended family could take vacations together or just go camp at the lake most week ends.
We've spent waaaay more helping relatives (not always children) after retirement than I can believe.
I never expected this. Surely, we wouldn't have kids who really needed help, and we'd be intelligent enough to put a cap on "leaning on mom and dad" requests. (The following details are somewhat modified to protect some privacy, but I think they give the flavor.)
But, it's far harder than I expected. In one case, it's my wife's brother -- a guy who works hard every day at a low wage job, but has had some unusually bad luck and made a couple bad decisions. She's been freer with the checkbook than I would have been, but frankly he's exactly the type of person who I'd like to help, at least a little, but somehow the dollars got too high. I think we're both on board with "we've done all we're going to do".
In another it's a child who was on the fast track to a high paying career when a latent mental illness showed up in grad school (think schizophrenia, but that's not the actual diagnosis). And then the occasional alcoholic drink turned into a substance abuse, DUI, and a mandatory program. So the kid kicked the alcohol habit, and now is an AA sponsor (big success there). Prescription drugs handled 80% of the symptoms for the illness. And she managed to tough it out in school and get the degree
).
But, employers with "good" jobs won't touch somebody with that history, even with the degree. She managed one on the margins, but it went away when the employer couldn't make it. We're still spending money there. Maybe we should push harder, maybe a little more stress would be a disaster.
I could go on. There are other cases with smaller dollar amounts. I never expected the number of (legitimate) serious medical problems in one small family. This stuff is supposed to happen to other families, not to mine.
In one case our help is mostly time, which I actually enjoy. But, I'd planned to enjoy some time Europe or Hawaii, too.
I bolded a few lines in the post above.
None of them apply to us. The money we've spent on family came out of our "fun to spend" budget, not out of our "necessities" budget. The people we've helped don't own horses. Still, I was looking forward to the fun.
I guess the only point here is that sometimes life doesn't go according to plan, bad things really do happen to people who are close. It's very hard to say "no" you have enough to either help the family or fly to Hawaii, but you can't do both.
