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Old 12-21-2012, 07:54 AM   #41
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Ok, I think maybe I have the picture. I had thought of advising my husband to do something similar if I were to go before him. We also have no children and he has a progressive disability. I guess my fear is what has already been mentioned. If it went bad he could end up without anywhere to turn. You need to think about yourself before you worry about social security.
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:14 AM   #42
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I was very close to an elderly woman who married to get someone to take care of her. She wanted to leave her estate to her children and they had a prenup. He wanted money (even tho his income exceeded hers) and she wanted a caretaker. Neither was happy in the relationship. They threatened divorce every other day. When he was good to her, he was very good, but he would leave her saying he was getting a divorce then come back a little later. Her daughter tried to be supportive and encourage her to move the city where she lived, but he always came back. He constantly badgered her about her will and wanting money. It was a bad situation. Extreme caution is advised.
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:20 AM   #43
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[QUOTE. Extreme caution is advised.[/QUOTE]
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:45 AM   #44
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I was very close to an elderly woman who married to get someone to take care of her. She wanted to leave her estate to her children and they had a prenup. He wanted money (even tho his income exceeded hers) and she wanted a caretaker. Neither was happy in the relationship. They threatened divorce every other day. When he was good to her, he was very good, but he would leave her saying he was getting a divorce then come back a little later. Her daughter tried to be supportive and encourage her to move the city where she lived, but he always came back. He constantly badgered her about her will and wanting money. It was a bad situation. Extreme caution is advised.
IMO, this is why the conventional idea of paying someone for care services is preferable to marrying that person, even if the person has to live in and even if the person is someone with whom one feels intimate. By paying the person for care, one would know that the care would actually be received regularly and as expected, in exchange for the money.

Otherwise one might end up giving half one's money to the person in divorce proceedings, for almost no care.
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:51 AM   #45
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Khan, I hope we have convinced you that this is a really bad idea.

Step away from the wedding.......
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Old 12-21-2012, 12:05 PM   #46
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Have been considering all plus and minus; don't know end result.
Living together would have some advantages.
Actual marriage would give him SSA.
The SSA is the only thing that requires marriage, it seems. Would you still get married if that weren't a possibility?
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Old 12-21-2012, 12:20 PM   #47
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Khan, I hope we have convinced you that this is a really bad idea.

Step away from the wedding.......
Absolutely ! You get married & you have just handed him half and a hefty chunk to a lawyer when he wants out ! A lot of people underestimate how hard it is to be a caregiver and when faced with reality bail or stay and become resentful.
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Old 12-21-2012, 12:21 PM   #48
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I don't really care what anyone else does with their life. Hey, so far it's a free country. But to me it is naive to believe that someone might marry you because you want to be cared for. Then that person be a good prospect to actually care for you. I can't imagine being poor enough or greedy enough to want that deal as the caretaker.

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Old 12-21-2012, 12:31 PM   #49
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This is only in the thinking about thinking about it stage.
He is in better condition physically.
I have no children.
I shall require assisted living in some fashion before too long.
In an assisted living facility you will get much more support from both staff and residents. If affordable, a much more reliable option.
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Old 12-21-2012, 08:29 PM   #50
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In an assisted living facility you will get much more support from both staff and residents. If affordable, a much more reliable option.
and to that I'd add what makes you so certain that when you need "him" he'll be there for you? You may be too incapacitated to seek outside help and you'd be at the mercy of someone who may not have your best interest at heart. This sounds like a recipe for disaster IMHO.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:27 PM   #51
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It's clear. The Nays have it.
And it's still Khan's choice
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Old 12-22-2012, 11:57 AM   #52
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Absolutely ! You get married & you have just handed him half and a hefty chunk to a lawyer when he wants out ! A lot of people underestimate how hard it is to be a caregiver and when faced with reality bail or stay and become resentful.
I am with the don't get married crowd ... but...

My understanding is that separate assets that were acquired before the marriage may remain separate. Only the assets that were acquired while married are community property. I think a pension that was earned from employment entirely before the marriage would be considered separate property. So I don't think that getting married is "handing him half". Maybe I misunderstand community property.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:12 PM   #53
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That's the general theory of community property. Stuff that was separate stays separate, unless you do any of a thousand things that can render it not-separate anymore, like commingle anything or pay a joint bill with it, or make a mistake moving it around, or pass it through a community account, and lots of others, probably depends on state. Also in divorce there's no guarantee that half is split equally. Judges have wide latitude including the ability to consider separate property and make unequal divisions and/or order support to make things "fair" where the definition of "fair" is open to debate and legal wrangling. Actual practice is a lot messier than just thinking separate property is not at risk.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:49 PM   #54
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To muddy the waters a bit more... (and as it has been a while since I've seen one of these high profile cases in the news), what were the legal grounds upon which people successfully sued former partners with whom they had co-habited (and not married)?

I can't think of a real-life example at the moment, but the defendants were usually monied people.

Was it simply that their relationship had been considered common law marriage in the state where they domiciled or something else?

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Old 12-22-2012, 02:56 PM   #55
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Khan,

Here's a book you might be interested in reading as you ponder the marriage of convenience idea:

"Rich in examples from the author's lifetime of experience as a lawyer defending women, and trying civil, family, and criminal cases, this book shows women how to protect themselves when they get involved with men, money, property, and legal affairs--situations where they are traditionally at a disadvantage."

What Every Woman Needs to Know Before (And After She Gets Involved With Men & Money): Lois G. Forer: 9780892563609: Amazon.com: Books

(Used copy available for $0.01 plus shipping)

Disclaimer: I have not read it [yet], but from the title and description, it might be apropos.

omni
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:24 PM   #56
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No, No, No. Do I get three votes as I feel very strongly about this?
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:58 PM   #57
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How did this person become part of your life? How often have you been stuck indoors in an ice storm.? Did he fix dinner?Did he put gas in the car last time he drove it without you there? How suddenly did he come up with this 'great' idea?

Companionship is enough reason maybe, but not caretaking-it's a hard job. Why doesn't he have a job history that gives him SS.? Citizenship? How much do you know about his past? See. all your friends here are concerned about you. I'm sorry to hear your health has declined.

As for SS he could collect benefits as a spouse. THe ten year limit mentioned upthread is for a divorced spouse. I believe the time frame for married spouse and survivor benefits is a marriage of 9 months. Which makes me worried about homemade mushroom soup...don't eat it.
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Old 12-22-2012, 04:54 PM   #58
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A lot of people underestimate how hard it is to be a caregiver and when faced with reality bail or stay and become resentful.
Khan, not sure if you mentioned whether *he* has children.

My Dad did remarry after living with a wonderful woman for a few years and went on to enjoy a decades-long marriage.

Their home was located close to her children but some distance away from our family. His final illness was relatively brief. Had it stretched out the issue would have become not so much what his wife was willing to do but what her children wanted for *her,* which was a stress-free lifestyle. My stepmother was/is a strong-willed woman but is (probably) understandably more influenced by her children as she's reached her 80s.

I rather had the feeling the kids wanted to now "return" him, a move that would have been horrendously stressful since his home was where he wanted to be. Moving closer to us would have meant leaving behind his primary emotional support (his wife).

I suppose the same scenario could have developed had their relationship not been formalized, tho absent a marriage he would not possibly have been in a situation of financing his care states-away while still maintaing a home for his legal spouse who would not have relocated.

Dynamics change.
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:02 PM   #59
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Taking care of an elderly person is tough. I have seen plenty of examples, where a person took care of an ailing spouse. In all cases that I personally know, the relationship was that of a life-long married couple, and not even that of people who divorced and remarried. And in all cases, when the spouse with poorer health expired, the surviving one took a sigh of relief.

Yes, it is that tough, caring for someone you have shared 40 or 50+ years of your life with. And one of the cases is my own parents. Another case is my in-laws, though my FIL is still alive but had to be moved to a nursing home.
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:24 PM   #60
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Move to a continuing care community, that would be cheaper. If you want the companionship live together there, those arrangements are not uncommon.
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