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Old 06-13-2009, 11:41 AM   #21
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" ? If the answer had been yes I would have been crushed since isn't that what commitment is helping each other with our goals ?

I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve with some people it was not intended to be personal just a reflection on all relationships . Just like my thread on helping your children some people said "It is their problem " .What happened to families and close relationships where we all helped each other ? Somehow we've lost sight of that and as a society we've gotten selfish or maybe I'm a sap for feeling this way ?
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Old 06-13-2009, 12:44 PM   #22
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I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve with some people it was not intended to be personal just a reflection on all relationships . Just like my thread on helping your children some people said "It is their problem " .What happened to families and close relationships where we all helped each other ? Somehow we've lost sight of that and as a society we've gotten selfish or maybe I'm a sap for feeling this way ?
I think you sound like a very sweet and loving person. And why would anybody want to be with someone who did not have their best interests at heart? Money is not the be all and end all. It is just a commodity to enhance your life. Nothing more. Good relationships where there is trust and caring are what life is all about. My late Dad always used to say that you come into this world with nothing, and you will go out with nothing, too. It is the memories you leave behind. A couple of months before my husband died unexpectedly he said something to me that I will treasure...that he always knew that I always had his best interests at heart. And considering the fact that we knew each other for 30 years and had our ups and downs along the way, it means more to me than someone saying "I love you" but acting otherwise.
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Old 06-13-2009, 01:15 PM   #23
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DW and I have been fortunate that our views on finances have always been in alignment. Before we married we had moved in together and had separate accounts plus a joint account that we used to live on. Once we were married (after 2 years of living together) we only have joint accounts except for those that can't be shared such as 401(k)'s & IRA's, plus DW has a life insurance policy on me as I am the major breadwinner, and she is now ESR'ed.

She knew few of the details of our investments until 9 years ago when very close friends of ours had a disaster. The husband died 4 days before retiring age 60 and the survivor had very little knowledge of their investments, which were substantial. (like us they had been married forever).

Wake up call for us so we both went to ER investing night classes offered by the local university including an optional free financial planning session after the course was over. This was excellent and while I still lead DW is involved and knows all about AA and diversification and what our personal AA targets are etc.

I also have simplified our holdings greatly as she does not share my interest in doing all the re-balancing, researching etc.

I think it very much is horses for courses and will vary enormously from couple to couple. DW left work 5 years ago and is now contracting 16 hrs /week back at her old firm, and it works just great for us.

DW's father retired at 62 and her mother 7 years afterwards (that is their age difference). Even though FIL had never cooked a meal in his life, he took to the role of house spouse brilliantly. MIL is now disabled and has been for 5+ years and FIL still does all the cooking and used to do the house work as well until finally persuaded a year ago to pay a cleaner to do this. (he is 85).
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Old 06-13-2009, 03:49 PM   #24
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I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve with some people it was not intended to be personal just a reflection on all relationships . Just like my thread on helping your children some people said "It is their problem " .What happened to families and close relationships where we all helped each other ? Somehow we've lost sight of that and as a society we've gotten selfish or maybe I'm a sap for feeling this way ?
No nerves hit here. I understood exactly what you were saying.

I am very much a helping person, even if I come off as businesslike sometimes. We all need to help others to the extent that it is really helping, but not enabling or putting ourselves in a precarious spot.
A lot of the laws in place governing life partners, married couples, and divorces have contributed to a need to over-protect oneself financially.
I did a trust last year that makes sure dh2b is taken care of in case daisies come my way. My estate attorney went through all the worst case scenarios with me, not urging me to do otherwise, but so I fully understood what was possible and legal. In return, dh2b has covered me to the maximum extent possible. We can only go so far. It is frustrating.
It will be such a relief when we can finally marry and the traditional rules kick back in. If you get the NOLO book, it will be an eye-opener.
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Old 06-13-2009, 04:28 PM   #25
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My wife and I have some different perspectives and points of view on the topic that are only partially resolved to date

She works 3.5 days a week and I work full-time. Kids are 4 & 8.

We're aligned on the general idea on when retirement will happen, if that's defined as a major change in lifestyle (think I'll always being doing some type of paid work for 10+ hrs a week even if its donated to charity ; she'll definitely stop paid work) At this point we are targeting 55 for both of us as that gets us 50% private school tuition benefits for the kids (her employer) and full retiree medical benefits for us (my employer). So another 10 yrs to go.

However, for the next 10 years I like the idea of moving to part-time myself, spending less and continuing to save. She likes the idea of me staying full time, as it seems more financially secure. It's less of a numbers issue that can be worked out through spreadsheets but rather a general security notion / emotion.

Current resolution is that I'm cutting back significantly on hours (e.g., around 70 / wk last year to 50 / wk this year) while still looking full-time to my employer. We'll see how far that can go (I've read the 4 hour work week a few times )
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Old 06-13-2009, 05:36 PM   #26
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Well, it's been over two years since I started this thread...

Tips on getting SO involved in finances...

I'm happy to say things have worked out well. Over the last two years, periodically, I've brought up our financial situation and what it would take for him to retire and what needs to be done after he retires.

Now, we just have to figure out how to invest the 401K and the partial lump sum from his pension....if I can get him off his motorcycle. The saga continues...
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Old 06-13-2009, 07:39 PM   #27
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DW and I agree completely agree on the retirement plan. We split duties. I'm in charge of making and investing the money and she is in charge of spending the money. I think we are both experts in our areas of concentration.

90% kidding here, of course.

That's how it works in our house, or it did until I quit making it. Fortunately, DW isn't nearly as good at her job as I am at mine.

On a serious note, we have always kept our finances totally separate because of Canadian tax laws. DW's money, such as it is, comes from a small inheritance that I've invested for her. Over 20 years, it has become a substantial sum. Since DW left the work force when 1st kid was born and never re-entered due to health problems, we wanted her money to grow (again for tax reasons) to equalize retirement income.

DW has absolutely no interest in anything financial. If I croak tomorrow, I've left her a letter with our wills. It (more or less) says "here's a list of what we have, take it to XYZ company", who are a reasonably cheap and reasonably good money management company. The alternative would be for her to get suckered in by the Canadian equivalent of Ameriprise.
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:51 PM   #28
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I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve with some people it was not intended to be personal just a reflection on all relationships . Just like my thread on helping your children some people said "It is their problem " .What happened to families and close relationships where we all helped each other ? Somehow we've lost sight of that and as a society we've gotten selfish or maybe I'm a sap for feeling this way ?
It's OK to be a sap.

I agree with you, but do have a comment/issue. It's much easier to be close, loving, and understanding when everyody carries their own weight. I would never turn my back on a family member or friend if they needed help due to some problem or unforeseen catastrophe. However, when you've got somebody who refuses to be responsible, it's not "help" to carry them on your back. Our society has lost the concept of personal responsibility, and it's impacting the traditional family relationships. I don't like it, but I do understand it.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:09 PM   #29
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I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve with some people it was not intended to be personal just a reflection on all relationships . Just like my thread on helping your children some people said "It is their problem " .What happened to families and close relationships where we all helped each other ? Somehow we've lost sight of that and as a society we've gotten selfish or maybe I'm a sap for feeling this way ?
I found the idea of 'helping children' interesting. Searched for but didn't find it. Can you post a link?

Thanks.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:32 PM   #30
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I found the idea of 'helping children' interesting. Searched for but didn't find it. Can you post a link?

Thanks.

It is the recession and helping our adult children

The Recession & our Adult children


What I was refering to was the poll . Over 33% voted nothing they are adults .
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:53 PM   #31
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