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Old 06-25-2012, 07:01 AM   #121
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I wouldn't call anyone anything. Everyone involved already has enough stress, they are dealing with terminal illness, and the consequences resulting from the choices they made are severe enough without my adding anything.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:14 AM   #122
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This may be a polictical topic. I have a mother in law that was diagnosed with cancer and needs copays in the 4-5 thousand dollar range to get treatment. My wife ofcourse wants to pay. My wife ofcourse has been a stay at home mother of 1 and has no income directly. My wife wants to use some of our emergency funds to pay for her mothers treatments. I feel that her mother a 2 pack a day smoker has lived here life the way she wanted and never really had any savings and spent every penny of her income throughout her life. These were the mother in laws choices and I am having a hard time coming to grips with spending this money when it was her living and spending choices that contributed to her situation. On top of it sh has never carried medicare gap insurance. 4-5 thousand now means could mean delaying retirement given that I am still 10 years away from that ER date.

I feel I go without thhings like cable tv, eating out, driving cars forever until the wheels drop off, meanwhile the mother in law has cable, eats out and drives relatively new cars. She had to stop work and is now 100% on SS for living expenses and has moved in with her sister due to being evicted for not paying rent due to having to stop work now.

My question to you folks is why should I be responsible for her lifestyle choices and forgo my goals because of it?

I am of course sorry for her diagnosis and don't want to come across in this posting as cold hearted, even though it may seem that way.
I haven't said anything so far in this thread, because I am finding it hard to relate to the original problem described above.

I guess I am luckier than I thought. Nobody in my family, old or young, would ever ask another family member for money to pay medical expenses unless they were sincerely and completely desperate for their lives. It would be a matter of personal pride not to ask. Of course I would pay a small amount like $5000 immediately and without question if asked, but that hasn't happened.

I guess we just have vastly different family cultures/behaviors.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:43 AM   #123
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She's 81 and has been recently diagnosed with cancer. Surgery is this Monday. Her type of cancer (uterine) has a high cure rate so we're hopefull.
I've been thinking about your mom, I hope her surgery goes well.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:48 AM   #124
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An aside to the OP, but at least I learned how lucky I am to have landed with DW. So far (32 yrs), we've never argued about a purchase large or small. Our money has always been our money, there is no mine and yours where money is concerned. Undoubtedly helps that we've both always been LBYM, so the question was never can we afford it. However, neither of us would make a major purchase without consulting the other, but there hasn't been one yet where either of us answered with anything but 'by all means, do it.' We ask each other out of respect for each other, and to make sure the other person doesn't have a better alternative. Guess I got lucky...

There's a poll topic, but I don't really care about the result, so I'll leave that to someone else...
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:35 AM   #125
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An aside to the OP, but at least I learned how lucky I am to have landed with DW. So far (32 yrs), we've never argued about a purchase large or small. Our money has always been our money, there is no mine and yours where money is concerned. Undoubtedly helps that we've both always been LBYM, so the question was never can we afford it. However, neither of us would make a major purchase without consulting the other, but there hasn't been one yet where either of us answered with anything but 'by all means, do it.' We ask each other out of respect for each other, and to make sure the other person doesn't have a better alternative. Guess I got lucky...

There's a poll topic, but I don't really care about the result, so I'll leave that to someone else...
Yes, you did get lucky (or were smart at choosing your spouse)!
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:08 AM   #126
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My wife and I have always had this agreement, that we should minimize any disagreement over money. We have always been LBYM, like Midpack and his wife, so the dispute of spending how much or for what does not come up often.

When we were first married, my wife's parents were in a tight financial situation, and we helped them out quite a bit. These were always gifts, as there was no way they could ever repay them. In return, my wife's relationship with my side of the family could not be better. I often think that my wife gets along with my siblings and even my parents better than I do!

Give and receive...

And by the way, I am an agnostic.
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:12 AM   #127
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I'd call it the difference between being Christian and un-Christian.
I suggest we agree to disagree,

If I supplement anyone's lifestyle, above their means, then it pulls both parties finances down. That is stupid, because it corrects no poor behavior nor the situation.

It is far more christian to correct the behavior, than to feed them for a day.

Just the way I see it, Enjoy your day !
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:47 AM   #128
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This sentence from the original post: "My wife wants to use some of our emergency funds to pay for her mothers treatments." For the life of me, I don't know how OP can refuse to pay without a major damaging effect on the marriage.
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:17 AM   #129
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The MIL has no life insurance?
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Old 07-01-2012, 06:53 AM   #130
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I think you (and most who post here) are a little "different" in that we analyze situations where many others simply go by "what everybody I know/grew up with would do." But you surely don't give off any whiff of sociopathy!

Could it be that vast runs of people never do anything for anyone, but they also don't tell anyone about it, whereas the folks who sacrifice are sure to let everyone know? So the general perception is that "most" people are ready to sacrifice for family, no matter the circumstances.

Just a thought.

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I have long wondered if I am mildly sociopathic. I have compassion in the sense of "I am sorry that you are in this situation," and have helped out friends and family in need where i perceive...

I wonder this indicates a lack of something that is present in most people, as I am clearly not the norm.

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