Mother in law out of money for co-pays

[nun]

So where is your line in the sand? Would you spend 10k, 100k, 1 million. How about your last $1 even if that ment your family going hungry? Would yiu sell your house?

I think every body has a line that they are willing to help out up to, but beyond that it really isn't helping anybody.

I would not draw a line at any amount of money. You are in a terrible situation and I wish you had access to a better solution through your healthcare provider/insurer. If your MIL cannot afford to pay for her own care will Medicaid help? I'd look into that option, but be prepared to help your MIL out if necessary.

 

[rescueme]

I'm surprised at the answers and that paying for medical care is now even resented and questioned within families.

Pay the money and help your MIL how can you even consider not doing it.

There's a reason why you are told before the plane takes off, to put on your oxygen mask first before helping those around you (regardless of age), in case of an emergency.

Helping out others before helping yourself may lead to all being lost.

I'll agree that the OP is in a pickle, but I'll also say that he needs to determine what the best course of action is that all may "survive" in his situation, IMHO.

 

[Happyrick]

Your MIL should apply for financial assistance. Start with the social workers at whatever facility or institution she is treated at. Certain cancers are covered under Medicaid Cancer Treatment Program (MCTP) and there are cancer foundations that assist with copays for chemotherapy. Most pharmaceutical companies can provide discount on their medications but require proof of finances. It's best to start the process as soon as possible since it can take up to 2 years and the exhaution of most of the patient's assets to qualify for some of these aid.

Cancer is financially and emotionally draining for entire family so telling your wife you do not wish to contribute financially to her mother's treatment can cause a lot of unnecessary "bad blood". Start by looking into other ways to help your MIL since that 4-5K is not even enough to cover her mdical needs. Best of luck to you and your family.

It's a tough situation, one that I had a like experience with many years ago (but it was my mom and not cancer). There is no right or wrong answer. I agree with Vaca that looking at financial assistance for MIL is needed or you may take more of the financial hit. My DW and I with Medicaid and other assistance programs helping were able to decide what we could afford to provide. It was always a gut wrenching decision between what was best for mom and our own financial future. Over time I learned to ignore the past history of health and money "issues" with my own mom and just tried to do what was best for us all.

 

[Moemg]

. The cost does not end with the copay for treatments. There are a follow-up appointments, labs, screening test, multiple specialists and consultants, etc. A lot of cancer patients, even if they have great insurance usually do end up in the medicaid system. Your MIL should apply for financial assistance. Start with the social workers at whatever facility or institution she is treated at. Certain cancers are covered under Medicaid Cancer Treatment Program (MCTP) and there are cancer foundations that assist with copays for chemotherapy. Most pharmaceutical companies can provide discount on their medications but require proof of finances. It's best to start the process as soon as possible since it can take up to 2 years and the exhaution of most of the patient's assets to qualify for some of these aid.

Sorry for your problems but I think Vaca made some great points and hopefully your MIL will get some financial help.

 

[eridanus]

Pay but put a condition on it. Cut smoking and or cut cable. She can rent from Red Box and watch wireless TV. The extra money goes to co-pays.

 

[rodi]

It's a tough situation.
My brother was a jerk. There's no nice way to put it - he was arrogant, selfish, and often unpleasant to be around. So much so that my dad disinherited him. (Can only take so many times of being told off by a son.) They stopped speaking.

Then, a few years later, my brother got terminal cancer. (Ironically, Dad was also dx'd with terminal cancer at the same time.)

My sister and I spent money out of pocket to fly to his state each weekend to help care for him. My dad, despite the bad blood and disinheritance, authorized my sister to pay my brother's COBRA payments (he could no longer work, so his insurance was through COBRA). So my brother didn't inherit - but did have money to cover his medical bills.

My brother remained a jerk - but his medical costs were covered and he had family to help care for him in his final months. Airfare and travel expenses weren't cheap... and missing weeks of work hurt the bottom line... but we were there with him at the end. We burned through our vacation time that we could have used with our children...

Why'd we do it? For us it was because a) it was the right thing to do for our family and b) we knew we'd be able to sleep at night. YMMV... We didn't do it because my brother deserved it. We did it because *we* felt better about doing what we felt was the right thing to do... even though it was unappreciated.

I still have resentment about how unappreciated our efforts were - but I'd make the same decisions again, because in my case, it was the right thing to do. Fortunately, my husband was very supportive.

 

[Tadpole]

I agree with nun. You need to do some research. The first thing is to assess your MIL's finances. If she is too poor to afford her cancer copays, there are places to go for help. Just as one example look at this list:
Sources of Financial Assistance - Fact Sheet | CancerCare

 

[BigNick]

Is there some way you can structure your financial assistance to MIL as a loan?

 

[easysurfer]

Instead of a political issue, it might turn more into a domestic issue (that is, between you and DW).

That said, it's a very delicate situation. Some folks make all the wrong, life in the fast lane choices, then when they (analogy) get a flat tire, want you to bail them out. Yet at the same time, no matter what her bad choices, she is your DW's mom.

 

[nun]

That said, it's a very delicate situation. Some folks make all the wrong, life in the fast lane choices, then when they (analogy) get a flat tire, want you to bail them out. Yet at the same time, no matter what her bad choices, she is your DW's mom.

I've never understood why help/aid/charity should be linked to someone's behaviour. Everything I was taught was to help the needy without judgement or reward. Hence my surprise at the question and answers........I would investigate Medicare, financial aid and bankruptcy issues for the MIL before paying out large amounts of my immediate family's cash though.

 

[Midpack]

I've never understood why help/aid/charity should be linked to someone's behaviour. Everything I was taught was to help the needy without judgement or reward. Hence my surprise at the question and answers........I would investigate Medicare, financial aid and bankruptcy issues for the MIL before paying out large amounts of my immediate family's cash though.

I'm not hoping to see this thread close, but it's interesting to me that this isn't seen as political. IMO it most definitely is. Not singling out this member either, many others have said much the same thing.

 

[MichaelB]

I understand this thread to be about RetirementColdHardTruth's MIL, her unfortunate diagnosis and his facing a personal and family financial issue, soliciting opinions about his choices. It is not about the politics of health care, and with good fortune will continue to deal with the personal issues already under discussion.

 

[easysurfer]

I've never understood why help/aid/charity should be linked to someone's behaviour. Everything I was taught was to help the needy without judgement or reward. Hence my surprise at the question and answers........I would investigate Medicare, financial aid and bankruptcy issues for the MIL before paying out large amounts of my immediate family's cash though.

My answer was in response to the OP's post In that, the OP did mention his MIL's behavior. For example, the OP specifying that his MIL, is a 2 pack a day smoker.

I do think it's a delicate situation. On one hand, one should be penalized because of the health choices ( or lack of) one made in the past -- too much smoking, too much red meat, etc. Yet at the same time, there is a cause and effect in play.

In a perfect world, we should all help the needy without judgement or rewards. But in reality, there is limited resources. So what do we do? Say yes to everything at all costs? Or what?

p.s. Not trying to get political, but instead at the family dynamics level.

 

[BigNick]

I do think it's a delicate situation. On one hand, one should be penalized because of the health choices ( or lack of) one made in the past -- too much smoking, too much red meat, etc. Yet at the same time, there is a cause and effect in play.

The past is the past. But I don't think it's excessive to expect a cancer sufferer to stop smoking from now on, if they are to have any credibility in stating that they want to get well.

 

[rodi]

Not all cancers are linked to smoking. My mother had ovarian cancer - we were all surprised to learn there was no statistical correlation between smoking and that form of cancer. My mother smoked. We couldn't get all moralistic about how her bad habit caused the cancer.

 

[easysurfer]

Not all cancers are linked to smoking. My mother had ovarian cancer - we were all surprised to learn there was no statistical correlation between smoking and that form of cancer. My mother smoked. We couldn't get all moralistic about how her bad habit caused the cancer.

I acutally meant to say, on one hand one should not be penalized for the past health (or lack of health) habits...

Cancer is still a horrible disease. I lost both my dad and oldest brother to cancer. In my dad's situation, he was a 2-3 pack a day smoker and didn't take care of his health in other ways. In my brother's case, he had liver cancer which was unexpected and only detected during a routine physical. My dad having cancer wasn't that much of a shock, given his health habits. Yet, it was just as difficult losing each of them to cancer.

 

[Bestwifeever]

...On top of it sh has never carried medicare gap insurance. 4-5 thousand now means could mean delaying retirement given that I am still 10 years away from that ER date.

I feel I go without thhings like cable tv, eating out, driving cars forever until the wheels drop off, meanwhile the mother in law has cable, eats out and drives relatively new cars. She had to stop work and is now 100% on SS for living expenses and has moved in with her sister due to being evicted for not paying rent due to having to stop work now. ....

So in six months she can start getting the Medicare gap insurance? And since she is living with her sister I assume her cable bills have stopped? Since it seems to bother you to help her financially, perhaps you can make taking care of these two things (getting the gap insurance, cutting out cable until then) be a good-faith effort on her part and help her take care of them.

I'm curious about how old your MIL is and why she did not get the gap insurance--did she just figure Medicare would pay for everything?

I agree with the above posters who suggested talking with a hospital or social services social worker about how to handle this. It's also possible the doctors might take half the copay if you offer to pay in cash.

I would hope though that paying $4K to $5K now to help her out wouldn't really delay your ER too long--that doesn't seem too material an amount to affect it (and if she gets the gap insurance, that will take care of future copays, right? so it's only the current copays you're concerned about?).

 

[Nords]

I'm curious about how old your MIL is and why she did not get the gap insurance--did she just figure Medicare would pay for everything?

Looking over my Dad's Medicare bills, I can see why people would skip the Medigap insurance-- that stuff's expensive. From Dad's health records it must've seemed like he was shoveling good money down a rathole for no return for over a decade. He was paying annual premiums of $2500-$3500 and hardly ever using a doctor for much of that time.

That is, until you have to pay for 20% of something really really expensive like emergency surgery or chemotherapy...

 

[Cessna5354]

This is a really sensitive situation, family makes it very close & personal.

I would cover the initial treatment, with a plan to pay for the gap insurance. It appears the MIL has not lived her life in a manner which she forecasted a rainy day. She needs help in doing so.
Plan & Pa for the premiums of $2500 -$3000 like Nord said, that is better than the unknown sudden treatment costs.

 

[obgyn65]

Helping someone in need without judging is an act of great kindness and compassion and often goes unrewarded. Cancer is a terrible disease, your MIL must be frightened and your DW upset. Whether or not you choose to contribute financially, you can also help by being there and providing emotional support.

I agree with this statement.

 

[Lazarus]

OP, what is your wife willing to do herself to help this situation? It is easy to say what other people should do with their time and money. Is she willing to work herself to fund her mother?

 

[BigE]

I feel I go without things like cable tv, eating out, driving cars forever until the wheels drop off, meanwhile the mother in law has cable, eats out and drives relatively new cars. She had to stop work and is now 100% on SS for living expenses and has moved in with her sister due to being evicted for not paying rent due to having to stop work now.

M.

Good topic that affects a large number of persons with parents who made different "choices" in life, to include reckless financial behavior and destructive habits to health. In the end this is about you and your wife and the relationship you will have when the MIL passes AND the impact on your finances this will have. A very personal decision for you and your wife. I need to add that IMHO, some of the posts chastising someone for not immediately giving any/all monies needed for treatment are so off base it's not even funny (you are not Joe Stalin b/c you refuse to give money to help others in your family, specifically in this set of parameters). I personally would pay some of the fees, not all. I also hate to be the reality checker here, but the 5 year survival for lung cancer is very dismal. She will not beat this, no matter what rosy picture the oncologists gives. Even if this is early stage lung carcinoma, her lungs are a petri dish for forming additional cancer secondary to the years of smoking. Time to spend quality time with her, give her lots of emotional support and make sure all her affairs are in order.

 

[H2ODude]

BigE brings up something I was hesitant to bring up. The whole thread seems to be about the cost. I'm wondering about the benefit? After my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, had 1/3 of lung removed (very invasive) she still ended up with metastasis being diagnosed 2 weeks later. Passed ~5 months later. Saw same thing with FIL; multiple myeloma and tens or hundreds of thousands spent last month or two. I know there are no guarantees in treatments, but before I'd commit a substantial portion of family assets to it I'd want to know likely benefit. I suppose many will ask "how can you put a price on treating a loved one?" But not doing so is why health care is so beyond control now in my opinion. If healthcare is ever to be controlled it will have to rationed to some degree.

 

[Walt34]

In a perfect world, we should all help the needy without judgement or rewards. But in reality, there is limited resources. So what do we do? Say yes to everything at all costs? Or what?

It is a tough choice to make. Many on this board have been in the position of being asked to help out those who are not quite as forward thinking as we would like, myself included.

Yes there are limited resources but you have to live with the results of the decision.

Think about how your choice will affect the rest of your life, and your relationship with your wife. It has to be a choice you both can live with.

 

[sheehs1]

Originally Posted by MichaelB
Helping someone in need without judging is an act of great kindness and compassion and often goes unrewarded. Cancer is a terrible disease, your MIL must be frightened and your DW upset. Whether or not you choose to contribute financially, you can also help by being there and providing emotional support.

I agree with this statement.

I agree with this statement too. Am actually surprised at the judgement regarding MIL's lifestyle as the determining factor for whether to help or not. I respect the fact that you have feelings about it.

However, ask yourself if you would you feel any differently had her lifestyle been different. I venture to guess the answer is no. That makes it about money not her lifestyle choice.

Bottom line: Everyone dies of something. If it wasn't cancer it might be something else. There is a huge possibility that you would be facing this same situation regardless of her lifestyle choice.

As I see it (without more information), it is quite possibly an "end of life" issue and how "the family" is going to handle the co pays...regardless of the reasons.

Where is the compassion for what your MIL is going thru?

If you can not afford it, then it seems to me "the family members" need to have a plan and come to a consensus on how to handle things. A family meeting is a good way to at least get the conversation going.

It also says "I am not taking 100% responsibility for this so what do "we" do. When others say "they can not help" ( and it is their mother)....well...perhaps...there can be an agreement that "all" go on a personal loan at the bank with shared responsibility to pay it off (if banks would allow) or some other such "shared" mechanism. Of course only if all other mechanisms of financial assistance have been exhausted.

i.e. There will be "end of life" costs regardless so may as well address it now.