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06-18-2012, 12:09 PM
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#21
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Administrator
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 40,586
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Helping someone in need without judging is an act of great kindness and compassion and often goes unrewarded. Cancer is a terrible disease, your MIL must be frightened and your DW upset. Whether or not you choose to contribute financially, you can also help by being there and providing emotional support.
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06-18-2012, 12:09 PM
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#22
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,872
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I'm surprised at the answers and that paying for medical care is now even resented and questioned within families.
Pay the money and help your MIL how can you even consider not doing it.
__________________
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
Current AA: 75% Equity Funds / 15% Bonds / 5% Stable Value /2% Cash / 3% TIAA Traditional
Retired Mar 2014 at age 52, target WR: 0.0%,
Income from pension and rent
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06-18-2012, 12:27 PM
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#23
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Marietta
Posts: 117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nun
I'm surprised at the answers and that paying for medical care is now even resented and questioned within families.
Pay the money and help your MIL how can you even consider not doing it.
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So where is your line in the sand? Would you spend 10k, 100k, 1 million. How about your last $1 even if that ment your family going hungry? Would yiu sell your house?
I think every body has a line that they are willing to help out up to, but beyond that it really isn't helping anybody.
__________________
Give me a surfboard and a hammock, some fresh fruit and veg, a fish or two and I am happy for life. I don't need much of a roof over my head to be happy.
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06-18-2012, 12:30 PM
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#24
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota, FL & Vermont
Posts: 36,266
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Could DW somehow attach MIL giving up smoking to the co-pay "gift"? It would be a win-win if she would in that she would be making a sacrifice and you might feel less resentful. While I know how addictive cigarettes can be it is hard for me to be sympathetic to someone who refuses to help themselves - very selfish.
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06-18-2012, 12:32 PM
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#25
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 551
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haha
This is part of that "for worse" thing.
Ha
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+1
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06-18-2012, 12:42 PM
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#26
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,872
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RetirementColdHardTruth
So where is your line in the sand? Would you spend 10k, 100k, 1 million. How about your last $1 even if that ment your family going hungry? Would yiu sell your house?
I think every body has a line that they are willing to help out up to, but beyond that it really isn't helping anybody.
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I would not draw a line at any amount of money. You are in a terrible situation and I wish you had access to a better solution through your healthcare provider/insurer. If your MIL cannot afford to pay for her own care will Medicaid help? I'd look into that option, but be prepared to help your MIL out if necessary.
__________________
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
Current AA: 75% Equity Funds / 15% Bonds / 5% Stable Value /2% Cash / 3% TIAA Traditional
Retired Mar 2014 at age 52, target WR: 0.0%,
Income from pension and rent
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06-18-2012, 12:51 PM
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#27
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gone traveling
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 3,851
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nun
I'm surprised at the answers and that paying for medical care is now even resented and questioned within families.
Pay the money and help your MIL how can you even consider not doing it.
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There's a reason why you are told before the plane takes off, to put on your oxygen mask first before helping those around you (regardless of age), in case of an emergency.
Helping out others before helping yourself may lead to all being lost.
I'll agree that the OP is in a pickle, but I'll also say that he needs to determine what the best course of action is that all may "survive" in his situation, IMHO.
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06-18-2012, 01:25 PM
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#28
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Dryer sheet aficionado
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaca
Your MIL should apply for financial assistance. Start with the social workers at whatever facility or institution she is treated at. Certain cancers are covered under Medicaid Cancer Treatment Program (MCTP) and there are cancer foundations that assist with copays for chemotherapy. Most pharmaceutical companies can provide discount on their medications but require proof of finances. It's best to start the process as soon as possible since it can take up to 2 years and the exhaution of most of the patient's assets to qualify for some of these aid.
Cancer is financially and emotionally draining for entire family so telling your wife you do not wish to contribute financially to her mother's treatment can cause a lot of unnecessary "bad blood". Start by looking into other ways to help your MIL since that 4-5K is not even enough to cover her mdical needs. Best of luck to you and your family.
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It's a tough situation, one that I had a like experience with many years ago (but it was my mom and not cancer). There is no right or wrong answer. I agree with Vaca that looking at financial assistance for MIL is needed or you may take more of the financial hit. My DW and I with Medicaid and other assistance programs helping were able to decide what we could afford to provide. It was always a gut wrenching decision between what was best for mom and our own financial future. Over time I learned to ignore the past history of health and money "issues" with my own mom and just tried to do what was best for us all.
__________________
"One of the big secrets of finding time is not to watch television" -- Captain Kangaroo
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06-18-2012, 01:29 PM
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#29
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Gone but not forgotten
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 11,447
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaca
. The cost does not end with the copay for treatments. There are a follow-up appointments, labs, screening test, multiple specialists and consultants, etc. A lot of cancer patients, even if they have great insurance usually do end up in the medicaid system. Your MIL should apply for financial assistance. Start with the social workers at whatever facility or institution she is treated at. Certain cancers are covered under Medicaid Cancer Treatment Program (MCTP) and there are cancer foundations that assist with copays for chemotherapy. Most pharmaceutical companies can provide discount on their medications but require proof of finances. It's best to start the process as soon as possible since it can take up to 2 years and the exhaution of most of the patient's assets to qualify for some of these aid.
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Sorry for your problems but I think Vaca made some great points and hopefully your MIL will get some financial help.
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06-18-2012, 01:43 PM
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#30
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,049
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Pay but put a condition on it. Cut smoking and or cut cable. She can rent from Red Box and watch wireless TV. The extra money goes to co-pays.
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06-18-2012, 01:46 PM
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#31
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Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 14,171
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It's a tough situation.
My brother was a jerk. There's no nice way to put it - he was arrogant, selfish, and often unpleasant to be around. So much so that my dad disinherited him. (Can only take so many times of being told off by a son.) They stopped speaking.
Then, a few years later, my brother got terminal cancer. (Ironically, Dad was also dx'd with terminal cancer at the same time.)
My sister and I spent money out of pocket to fly to his state each weekend to help care for him. My dad, despite the bad blood and disinheritance, authorized my sister to pay my brother's COBRA payments (he could no longer work, so his insurance was through COBRA). So my brother didn't inherit - but did have money to cover his medical bills.
My brother remained a jerk - but his medical costs were covered and he had family to help care for him in his final months. Airfare and travel expenses weren't cheap... and missing weeks of work hurt the bottom line... but we were there with him at the end. We burned through our vacation time that we could have used with our children...
Why'd we do it? For us it was because a) it was the right thing to do for our family and b) we knew we'd be able to sleep at night. YMMV... We didn't do it because my brother deserved it. We did it because *we* felt better about doing what we felt was the right thing to do... even though it was unappreciated.
I still have resentment about how unappreciated our efforts were - but I'd make the same decisions again, because in my case, it was the right thing to do. Fortunately, my husband was very supportive.
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06-18-2012, 01:51 PM
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#32
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,428
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I agree with nun. You need to do some research. The first thing is to assess your MIL's finances. If she is too poor to afford her cancer copays, there are places to go for help. Just as one example look at this list:
Sources of Financial Assistance - Fact Sheet | CancerCare
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06-18-2012, 01:53 PM
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#33
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Palma de Mallorca
Posts: 1,419
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Is there some way you can structure your financial assistance to MIL as a loan?
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06-18-2012, 01:57 PM
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#34
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 13,132
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Instead of a political issue, it might turn more into a domestic issue (that is, between you and DW).
That said, it's a very delicate situation. Some folks make all the wrong, life in the fast lane choices, then when they (analogy) get a flat tire, want you to bail them out. Yet at the same time, no matter what her bad choices, she is your DW's mom.
__________________
Have you ever seen a headstone with these words
"If only I had spent more time at work" ... from "Busy Man" sung by Billy Ray Cyrus
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06-18-2012, 02:07 PM
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#35
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,872
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Quote:
Originally Posted by easysurfer
That said, it's a very delicate situation. Some folks make all the wrong, life in the fast lane choices, then when they (analogy) get a flat tire, want you to bail them out. Yet at the same time, no matter what her bad choices, she is your DW's mom.
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I've never understood why help/aid/charity should be linked to someone's behaviour. Everything I was taught was to help the needy without judgement or reward. Hence my surprise at the question and answers........I would investigate Medicare, financial aid and bankruptcy issues for the MIL before paying out large amounts of my immediate family's cash though.
__________________
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
Current AA: 75% Equity Funds / 15% Bonds / 5% Stable Value /2% Cash / 3% TIAA Traditional
Retired Mar 2014 at age 52, target WR: 0.0%,
Income from pension and rent
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06-18-2012, 02:33 PM
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#36
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 21,204
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nun
I've never understood why help/aid/charity should be linked to someone's behaviour. Everything I was taught was to help the needy without judgement or reward. Hence my surprise at the question and answers........I would investigate Medicare, financial aid and bankruptcy issues for the MIL before paying out large amounts of my immediate family's cash though.
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I'm not hoping to see this thread close, but it's interesting to me that this isn't seen as political. IMO it most definitely is. Not singling out this member either, many others have said much the same thing.
__________________
No one agrees with other people's opinions; they merely agree with their own opinions -- expressed by somebody else. Sydney Tremayne
Retired Jun 2011 at age 57
Target AA: 50% equity funds / 45% bonds / 5% cash
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06-18-2012, 02:41 PM
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#37
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Administrator
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 40,586
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I understand this thread to be about RetirementColdHardTruth's MIL, her unfortunate diagnosis and his facing a personal and family financial issue, soliciting opinions about his choices. It is not about the politics of health care, and with good fortune will continue to deal with the personal issues already under discussion.
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06-18-2012, 02:52 PM
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#38
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 13,132
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nun
I've never understood why help/aid/charity should be linked to someone's behaviour. Everything I was taught was to help the needy without judgement or reward. Hence my surprise at the question and answers........I would investigate Medicare, financial aid and bankruptcy issues for the MIL before paying out large amounts of my immediate family's cash though.
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My answer was in response to the OP's post In that, the OP did mention his MIL's behavior. For example, the OP specifying that his MIL, is a 2 pack a day smoker.
I do think it's a delicate situation. On one hand, one should be penalized because of the health choices ( or lack of) one made in the past -- too much smoking, too much red meat, etc. Yet at the same time, there is a cause and effect in play.
In a perfect world, we should all help the needy without judgement or rewards. But in reality, there is limited resources. So what do we do? Say yes to everything at all costs? Or what?
p.s. Not trying to get political, but instead at the family dynamics level.
__________________
Have you ever seen a headstone with these words
"If only I had spent more time at work" ... from "Busy Man" sung by Billy Ray Cyrus
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06-18-2012, 03:02 PM
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#39
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Palma de Mallorca
Posts: 1,419
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Quote:
Originally Posted by easysurfer
I do think it's a delicate situation. On one hand, one should be penalized because of the health choices ( or lack of) one made in the past -- too much smoking, too much red meat, etc. Yet at the same time, there is a cause and effect in play.
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The past is the past. But I don't think it's excessive to expect a cancer sufferer to stop smoking from now on, if they are to have any credibility in stating that they want to get well.
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06-18-2012, 03:18 PM
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#40
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Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 14,171
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Not all cancers are linked to smoking. My mother had ovarian cancer - we were all surprised to learn there was no statistical correlation between smoking and that form of cancer. My mother smoked. We couldn't get all moralistic about how her bad habit caused the cancer.
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