One spouse continues to work

[nnkrealtor]

For anyone who has had this situation come up, can you tell me a little about it.

I am 28 and DW if 27. She loves what she does (ownes her own business) and has said several times that she may slow things down eventually but never sees herself really retired.
I on the other hand do NOT like what I do. I want to put my 30 in and see-ya. Of course I would have to find something else to do Iam not the type to just sit around, and that would probably be something to do with the family farm. Which I help with even now on an as-needed basis, as needed is usually 3-4 afternoons a week.

What kind of pitfalls (socially or maritally) should I expect.
Is there usually some resentment on one side or the other? I can only imagine that it would make the financial aspect of it a real piece of cake, if I have my state retirement coming in, and my wife is still working.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Im in a similar situation but we are older If she enjoys working then be all means. Just something you need to work out together.

 

[Zathras]

My wife is working part time now for an organization she loves working at.
Before I retired, we had a number of long talks about how we both felt about work.
Good communication is the key in my mind. She loves the work but was getting a bit burned out. So she talked with her boss, moved from social work supervisor to database training and cut her hours. She loves it, and we have had no issues.
We still talk about it to make sure everything is running smoothly for both of us.

 

[W2R]

For anyone who has had this situation come up, can you tell me a little about it.

I am 28 and DW if 27. She loves what she does (ownes her own business) and has said several times that she may slow things down eventually but never sees herself really retired.
I on the other hand do NOT like what I do. I want to put my 30 in and see-ya. Of course I would have to find something else to do Iam not the type to just sit around, and that would probably be something to do with the family farm. Which I help with even now on an as-needed basis, as needed is usually 3-4 afternoons a week.

What kind of pitfalls (socially or maritally) should I expect.
Is there usually some resentment on one side or the other? I can only imagine that it would make the financial aspect of it a real piece of cake, if I have my state retirement coming in, and my wife is still working.

Sure, some resentment could develop after a while.

I know that when I was her age, I would have said the same thing. I loved my job and retirement was the last thing on my mind. My opinions regarding work in general are obviously quite different now. She could get burned out later on and want to retire, too. If it isn't possible, then look out.

 

[ziggy29]

It could happen. As much as I love my wife dearly, I still fight off pangs of resentment once in a while feeling like the weight of our household financial success is entirely on my shoulders right now -- and has been for several years.

Still, if she (your wife) continues to love her job it might not be a big deal. Heck, if I felt my job were secure and I loved it, I'd actually like that my wife doesn't have a job and can do most of the household chores and run all of our errands since my income is currently more than sufficient. But I don't feel like my job is that secure and I don't particularly like it (it's okay but it's occasionally a real PITA), so pangs of resentment do surface sometimes.

There's nothing I want more right now than for her to find a decent job that she enjoys.

So back to your case, as long as she continues to enjoy what she does, it may not be an issue -- as long as you "add value" to the household with the household chores, running errands that sort of thing. I'm projecting a little, but that's my perspective.

 

[Bestwifeever]

If I were you I'd look for a different job--maybe not right now, but you're only 28, and 30 years is an awfully long time to spend doing something you don't like, just waiting for retirement.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

At your ages, it is good to discuss remote retirement from time to time just to see if your values and plans are in line, and to synchronize if not. But you have such a long time before you retire that it is virtually certain that life's circumstances, luck, politics, and a zillion other unforeseen factors both good and bad will render almost anything more specific totally irrelevant by then.

So I say don't worry about what it will be like with one in the work force and one out 30 years from now. Too distant a horizon. Stay the course on the big goal by saving, LBYM, etc., stick around this board, and get back to us in 30 years with the same question .

 

[MasterBlaster]

But you have such a long time before you retire that it is virtually certain that life's circumstances, luck, politics, and a zillion other unforeseen factors both good and bad will render almost anything more specific totally irrelevant by then.

yeah - at your age I would be more concerned about important spousal interaction issues. You need to decide once and for all who get the remote control ! If you can get through that then retirement will be a breeze.

 

[Cruising2022]

Staying home and spending your spouse's money even though you're FI sounds like a good deal!

 

[ziggy29]

At your ages, it is good to discuss remote retirement from time to time just to see if your values and plans are in line, and to synchronize if not. But you have such a long time before you retire that it is virtually certain that life's circumstances, luck, politics, and a zillion other unforeseen factors both good and bad will render almost anything more specific totally irrelevant by then.

Good point. You can make tentative plans for retirement based on the current situation, but you need to accept that the chances of the status quo remaining for the next 30 years are fairly remote. Maybe you'll find a job you prefer; maybe you'll be laid off; maybe your wife's business will flourish and expand rapidly (and maybe you could quit your current job to help her with it?) and maybe it will go bust. Maybe any number of things could happen over 30 years.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I plan to work longer than my DH, but only because of our age differences.
The real key, as has been mentioned, is that you revisit the topic frequently.
A lot can change, especially if you have kids.

 

[LOL!]

As the others have written, the main pitfall of your scenario is that you waste 30 years of your life doing something that you don't like to do.

My spouse works. I have worked full time and now work part time. Mature couples should have no problems with that. Early in my career, my spouse made lots more money than me. Then I made lots more money than her. I still make more money than her even though I work less than half her hours. I don't care. She doesn't care. It's not a problem.

Oh, we have kids as well. I know some moms that said they were going back to work after having a child, but then changed their minds. It can happen.

 

[haha]

My spouse works. I have worked full time and now work part time. Mature couples should have no problems with that. Early in my career, my spouse made lots more money than me. Then I made lots more money than her. I still make more money than her even though I work less than half her hours. I don't care. She doesn't care. It's not a problem.

My ex-wife started working not long before she split. Although she made very little money, she did work hard and spin her wheels vigorously. I remember a fight where she yelled at me "Why don't you get a job?" This got filed in my brain, as I had made and continued to make through trading close to every dollar than ever came into the house.

Somehow I don't think that she is the only woman in the world who likes to see the husband at work, and who gets fed up fast if she thinks she is working hard and he isn't.

My guess is that at least some of the wives who go on working after hub-a-dub quits are a little worried about the prospect of being around him all day long.

For married men who are not interested in being fathers, I recommend an early divorce. Like the old school saying-"Flunk now and avoid the June rush!"

Ha

 

[FurBall]

DH stopped working over 10 years ago. Until I partially FIRE'd two years ago, I worked full-time and he did not. I never felt a moment of resentment. It was so wonderful to see how much happier and healthier he was. Coming home to a happy man is grand. Of course, the home cooked meals didn't hurt either.

 

[Moemg]

When I was in my twenties the last thing on my mind was retirement ? Stop worrying about thirty years in the future and enjoy life now !

 

[chris2008]

30 years is much too long to do a job you do not even like!
Look for something more satisfying, even if it needs additional training or brings in less money or benefits.

If not I see more resentment issues coming than your wife's if you finally ER:
The longer it goes the more you will resent her being happy with what she does.
She will resent coming home to a DH who can never share happy stories about "how was your day" but only looks forward to ER.
Over time each day it will get harder for you.

You only live once and you both deserve a good life, not only a good retirement.

 

[Walt34]

30 years is much too long to do a job you do not even like!
Look for something more satisfying, even if it needs additional training or brings in less money or benefits.

What he said.

We're in that situation now - I'm working, she's not, and we are better off for it. But we've been married 20 years and have long since acquired everything we need and most of what we want. I much prefer living with a non-working but happy, content wife than a working stressed-out exhausted wife.

Generally, more money is better, but we have found that if the price of it is exhaustion and stress then it isn't worth it. There are a LOT of people in WV who have made that choice.

There is no resentment on my part, as we've been both places and this way is better. For us. YMMV.

 

[jdw_fire]

how can you claim

Retired six years ago at age 52

when

We're in that situation now - I'm working, she's not

and why would you want people to think you are retired when you (by your own admission) are working? that gives people who read your posts the wrong idea about your perspective.

 

[tuixiu]

http://www.early-retirement.org/for...ut-going-back-to-work-43120-2.html#post795753

A few days ago Walt said: "I'm one of the ones who chose to go back to work."

 

[Gumby]

I will echo what others have said -- don't work for 30 years at a job you don't like. At 28 you have a long life ahead of you. You can afford to try many different things until you find one that pleases you. At 50, I am on my 4th different career, let alone job.

 

[REWahoo]

At 50, I am on my 4th different career, let alone job.

Is that due to having a short attention span or because Gumby is very flexible?

 

[Gumby]

Some of my choices have been dictated by circumstance, some by my desires . . . ooh look! Something shiny!

 

[old woman]

I am a fully independent women, I own the house and pay the bills and the man who lives with me just pays me some rent money. This has been going on 22 years now. I have had 3 long stretches of unemployment and he has had a few. Sometimes I start to resent the entire burden being on me. When I am unemployed I have done things around the house even chores like lawn mowing he normally does. When he isn't working or looking for work I resent still having to be the one to decide what is for dinner, cook and do the dishes. But I like my job and sometimes he does chores when unemployed. Even when working full time he will go on the roof to get the moss off or do other hard chores so I don't resent him much or often.

Now he will be 62 in a couple of months, has almost nothing saved for retirement and wants to retire. He will get about 1,200 in SS and 750 in pensions he owes me 800 a month for his share of rent and utilities so will need to make less than 1,200 cover all his personal bills. I never agreed to pay for his food so this year I stopped shopping for food unless I wanted something. He ends up going food shopping, I want him to start to think how much he really needs a month to retire. He still owes a loan and has toys he needs to maintain and doesn't plan to buy health insurance.
After decades of me doing without to invest for retirement and pay for a house I am not going to use my life savings to pay for his license tabs for his Harley or pay for gas for his truck and camper and my boat. He will need to choose between retired with a small lifestyle or not retired with more lifestyle. I tell him my investments are losing money and I have a mortgage for another 14 years so I can't retire until I am 74. He doesn't know I just sent a big payment to the mortgage company to knock off a few years and could cash out investments to pay it off.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

I am a fully independent women, I own the house and pay the bills and the man who lives with me just pays me some rent money. This has been going on 22 years now. I have had 3 long stretches of unemployment and he has had a few. Sometimes I start to resent the entire burden being on me. When I am unemployed I have done things around the house even chores like lawn mowing he normally does. When he isn't working or looking for work I resent still having to be the one to decide what is for dinner, cook and do the dishes. But I like my job and sometimes he does chores when unemployed. Even when working full time he will go on the roof to get the moss off or do other hard chores so I don't resent him much or often.

Now he will be 62 in a couple of months, has almost nothing saved for retirement and wants to retire. He will get about 1,200 in SS and 750 in pensions he owes me 800 a month for his share of rent and utilities so will need to make less than 1,200 cover all his personal bills. I never agreed to pay for his food so this year I stopped shopping for food unless I wanted something. He ends up going food shopping, I want him to start to think how much he really needs a month to retire. He still owes a loan and has toys he needs to maintain and doesn't plan to buy health insurance.
After decades of me doing without to invest for retirement and pay for a house I am not going to use my life savings to pay for his license tabs for his Harley or pay for gas for his truck and camper and my boat. He will need to choose between retired with a small lifestyle or not retired with more lifestyle. I tell him my investments are losing money and I have a mortgage for another 14 years so I can't retire until I am 74. He doesn't know I just sent a big payment to the mortgage company to knock off a few years and could cash out investments to pay it off.

At least you aren't married

 

[haha]

I am a fully independent women, I own the house and pay the bills and the man who lives with me just pays me some rent money. This has been going on 22 years now. I have had 3 long stretches of unemployment and he has had a few. Sometimes I start to resent the entire burden being on me. When I am unemployed I have done things around the house even chores like lawn mowing he normally does. When he isn't working or looking for work I resent still having to be the one to decide what is for dinner, cook and do the dishes. But I like my job and sometimes he does chores when unemployed. Even when working full time he will go on the roof to get the moss off or do other hard chores so I don't resent him much or often.

Now he will be 62 in a couple of months, has almost nothing saved for retirement and wants to retire. He will get about 1,200 in SS and 750 in pensions he owes me 800 a month for his share of rent and utilities so will need to make less than 1,200 cover all his personal bills. I never agreed to pay for his food so this year I stopped shopping for food unless I wanted something. He ends up going food shopping, I want him to start to think how much he really needs a month to retire. He still owes a loan and has toys he needs to maintain and doesn't plan to buy health insurance.
After decades of me doing without to invest for retirement and pay for a house I am not going to use my life savings to pay for his license tabs for his Harley or pay for gas for his truck and camper and my boat. He will need to choose between retired with a small lifestyle or not retired with more lifestyle. I tell him my investments are losing money and I have a mortgage for another 14 years so I can't retire until I am 74. He doesn't know I just sent a big payment to the mortgage company to knock off a few years and could cash out investments to pay it off.

I appreciate your candor. When I read some of the stories on here I think, who are these women who will let a guy sit around at home? And who are these men who are good housekeepers, cooks, and loving go-fers? I just don't know many of either of these in my day to day life. I didn't mind my wife not working because she was mother to my kids, an incredible cook, a good housekeeper, and an over-the -top lover. When the kids got older though, I thought I could care for them quite well; I had already make a fair amount of money, and I thought she could haul some of that water too. Some earned income, even a small amount, is a really nice counter to the volatility of investment earnings.

But when I wanted to hang around home and play tennis I discovered a few things. I was a poor housekeeper, a mediocre cook, and without commenting on my love skills suffice it to say that a good looking woman can find all of that she can handle in about ten minutes. On a slow day.

So although I don't want to assume that many people are not very different, I would advise any young man to put his career first and don't think some woman is going to enjoy taking care of you. Most of them will not, in my limited experience.

Ha