One spouse continues to work

[tuixiu]

Don't sell yourself short, I think you're a great lover Ha.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Don't sell yourself short, I think you're a great lover Ha.

But how does he cook?

 

[Nords]

Is that due to having a short attention span or because Gumby is very flexible?

From submarines to lawyer... it's because he likes going to classes and long meetings...

 

[nnkrealtor]

Thanks for all the replies.

I said that I don't like my job but let me elaborate a little.

My job is lots of sitting around down time punctuated by spurts of work that require specialized skills and some phisical labor.( no iam not a cop)
I do enjoy the times when the work is actually allowing me to get out of my chair.

Also the plus side of this job is I get a TON of time off, can go home for 1.5 hour lunches, Get to work 4 day weeks in the summer months. The reason I say I don't like it is because it basically boars me to tears 90% of the time.
The fringe benifets are what keeps me around. Pay is decent for this area.

I know that another job may entertain my mind and body more throughout the day but would require much more of my time, and me likes my time off.

Basically I have decided that for me, right now, its better to spend my week looking foward to my 3 day weekend and 1.5 hour lunches than to have a job where I have to spend my weekends working on top of my week even if I would enjoy the work more. And in this area, what I get paid here is about the top pay for my age group, unless you own a business.

Thanks again...

 

[Cruising2022]

IMO, if the couple is otherwise FI and at a level they mutually agreed on, then the working spouse has no right to complain about a non-working spouse.

Housekeeper issues shouldn't be any different than it was while both were working. Any conflict or resentment is probably just the working spouse acting out on how much s/he really hates w*rking. Worst case, just hire a housekeeper with the unneeded cash flow from the working spouse.

I appreciate your candor. When I read some of the stories on here I think, who are these women who will let a guy sit around at home? And who are these men who are good housekeepers, cooks, and loving go-fers?

I've found that people that are on vacation or are retired are far more pleasant to be around than those who work -- more relaxed, more happy, far less stressed. A happy husband is worth far more than a husband that cleans.

 

[ziggy29]

So although I don't want to assume that many people are not very different, I would advise any young man to put his career first and don't think some woman is going to enjoy taking care of you. Most of them will not, in my limited experience.

It's kind of unfortunate. While that job's not done in some areas, to some degree the stereotype and gender expectation for women to be barefoot, pregnant and judged by her family and her domesticity has been overcome -- and it's become socially acceptable for women to become successful career people in the working world. The same is generally not true for men. Men are still expected to be wed to their careers and be breadwinners first and foremost.

Even if a woman has a very secure and lucrative career, a man who stays at home is judged frequently as a slacker, as a lazy bum, as a loser, as a useless ne'er-do-well and a parasite.

Lovely double standard.

Sure, there are exceptions -- probably some here on this board, too -- but let's be honest here: the "woman as domestic engineer and mother" stereotype, while still somewhat prevalent in some circles, is a lot closer to being completely shattered than the "man as breadwinner and provider" stereotype.

 

[tuixiu]

That's a very good point Z.

People who wouldn't dare criticize a stay-at-home mother who continues to not work even though the kids are old enough to be in school all day would have no problem frowning upon a man who didn't work in the same situation.

 

[Moemg]

I am a fully independent women, I own the house and pay the bills and the man who lives with me just pays me some rent money. This has been going on 22 years now. I have had 3 long stretches of unemployment and he has had a few. Sometimes I start to resent the entire burden being on me. When I am unemployed I have done things around the house even chores like lawn mowing he normally does. When he isn't working or looking for work I resent still having to be the one to decide what is for dinner, cook and do the dishes. But I like my job and sometimes he does chores when unemployed. Even when working full time he will go on the roof to get the moss off or do other hard chores so I don't resent him much or often.

Now he will be 62 in a couple of months, has almost nothing saved for retirement and wants to retire. He will get about 1,200 in SS and 750 in pensions he owes me 800 a month for his share of rent and utilities so will need to make less than 1,200 cover all his personal bills. I never agreed to pay for his food so this year I stopped shopping for food unless I wanted something. He ends up going food shopping, I want him to start to think how much he really needs a month to retire. He still owes a loan and has toys he needs to maintain and doesn't plan to buy health insurance.
After decades of me doing without to invest for retirement and pay for a house I am not going to use my life savings to pay for his license tabs for his Harley or pay for gas for his truck and camper and my boat. He will need to choose between retired with a small lifestyle or not retired with more lifestyle. I tell him my investments are losing money and I have a mortgage for another 14 years so I can't retire until I am 74. He doesn't know I just sent a big payment to the mortgage company to knock off a few years and could cash out investments to pay it off.

Maybe it is time to reexamine your relationship? It sounds like if he retires your resentment is going to boil over .

 

[Khan]

I appreciate your candor. When I read some of the stories on here I think, who are these women who will let a guy sit around at home? And who are these men who are good housekeepers, cooks, and loving go-fers? I just don't know many of either of these in my day to day life. I didn't mind my wife not working because she was mother to my kids, an incredible cook, a good housekeeper, and an over-the -top lover. When the kids got older though, I thought I could care for them quite well; I had already make a fair amount of money, and I thought she could haul some of that water too. Some earned income, even a small amount, is a really nice counter to the volatility of investment earnings.

But when I wanted to hang around home and play tennis I discovered a few things. I was a poor housekeeper, a mediocre cook, and without commenting on my love skills suffice it to say that a good looking woman can find all of that she can handle in about ten minutes. On a slow day.

So although I don't want to assume that many people are not very different, I would advise any young man to put his career first and don't think some woman is going to enjoy taking care of you. Most of them will not, in my limited experience.

Ha

A while back I 'kept' a younger man for three years even while he was unemployed (the business closed) because among other things he did house work and repair, and rearranged the house to make it easier to maintain, and yard work, and auto maintenance.

 

[W2R]

I am a fully independent women, I own the house and pay the bills and the man who lives with me just pays me some rent money. This has been going on 22 years now. I have had 3 long stretches of unemployment and he has had a few. Sometimes I start to resent the entire burden being on me. When I am unemployed I have done things around the house even chores like lawn mowing he normally does. When he isn't working or looking for work I resent still having to be the one to decide what is for dinner, cook and do the dishes. But I like my job and sometimes he does chores when unemployed. Even when working full time he will go on the roof to get the moss off or do other hard chores so I don't resent him much or often.

Now he will be 62 in a couple of months, has almost nothing saved for retirement and wants to retire. He will get about 1,200 in SS and 750 in pensions he owes me 800 a month for his share of rent and utilities so will need to make less than 1,200 cover all his personal bills. I never agreed to pay for his food so this year I stopped shopping for food unless I wanted something. He ends up going food shopping, I want him to start to think how much he really needs a month to retire. He still owes a loan and has toys he needs to maintain and doesn't plan to buy health insurance.
After decades of me doing without to invest for retirement and pay for a house I am not going to use my life savings to pay for his license tabs for his Harley or pay for gas for his truck and camper and my boat. He will need to choose between retired with a small lifestyle or not retired with more lifestyle. I tell him my investments are losing money and I have a mortgage for another 14 years so I can't retire until I am 74. He doesn't know I just sent a big payment to the mortgage company to knock off a few years and could cash out investments to pay it off.

It seems to me that his retirement budget of $1950/month might not be enough to both pay $800/month rent AND keep up with his loan, toys, and other expenses. And what are you going to do when he gets sick, and the hospital wants some financial guarantees? You would be in a difficult spot.

He needs to be living somewhere where the rent is not so high. I agree that he needs to become accustomed to his own financial independence, before he can retire.

 

[haha]

It seems to me that his retirement budget of $1950/month might not be enough to both pay $800/month rent AND keep up with his loan, toys, and other expenses. And what are you going to do when he gets sick, and the hospital wants some financial guarantees? You would be in a difficult spot.

He needs to be living somewhere where the rent is not so high. I agree that he needs to become accustomed to his own financial independence, before he can retire.

Rich men talk; poor men walk.

Ha

 

[Amethyst]

Even if a woman has a very secure and lucrative career, a man who stays at home is judged frequently as a slacker, as a lazy bum, as a loser, as a useless ne'er-do-well and a parasite.

If it's all working out well for the couple, who cares what judgmental people think? I mean, seriously. Is someone writing threatening slogans on their house and burning crosses on their lawn? That's about the point at which I'd start to get concerned about public reaction.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Even if a woman has a very secure and lucrative career, a man who stays at home is judged frequently as a slacker, as a lazy bum, as a loser, as a useless ne'er-do-well and a parasite.

If it's all working out well for the couple, who cares what judgmental people think? I mean, seriously. Is someone writing threatening slogans on their house and burning crosses on their lawn? That's about the point at which I'd start to get concerned about public reaction.

I tend to agree. However, you know how people get

 

[Amethyst]

I tend to agree. However, you know how "people get"

Just my point. Unless "people" are actually coming to "get" somebody, that somebody should keep doing what works for them, assuming it's legal, does no harm to anyone else, and isn't selfish jerk behavior. That's my story and I've stuck to it all my life.

That being said, I am unable to see how a man keeping house while a woman works, harms anyone else.

Husband is retired, while I work my butt off outside the home, and also do all the banking and correspondence...fortunately, he worked in a hotel summers while going to college, so knows one end of a vacuum cleaner from the other. And far from being criticized, we know of several men, from 20 to 70 years old, who openly envy him.

 

[ziggy29]

And far from being criticized, we know of several men, from 20 to 70 years old, who openly envy him.

Add another one who's 43 to the list.

 

[Walt34]

and why would you want people to think you are retired when you (by your own admission) are working? that gives people who read your posts the wrong idea about your perspective.

The distinction to me is a very clear and sharp one. I work between three and five days a week because I want to. I am not working because I have to. If I stay home and watch Discovery channel, or go fishing, or go for a walk along the C&O canal, the retirement income will pay the bills. All I have to do is keep breathing and the monthly checks will come in.

But I tried all that for several years and learned something. I didn't like it. The income from the post-retirement job is all play money, and I get to meet and associate with people I would not otherwise run into. What I found out is that we could have lots of free time or lots of spending money, but not both.

I have no idea where this path will lead. But in the meantime it works for me, it works for DW, and I have the option of deciding not to work at any time. And that option is priceless.

So, to me, I am retired.

 

[LOL!]

I don't have to, but I work about 20 hours a week and set my own hours. I consider myself financially independent and semi-retired. I am not retired.

 

[jdw_fire]

The distinction to me is a very clear and sharp one. I work between three and five days a week because I want to. I am not working because I have to. If I stay home and watch Discovery channel, or go fishing, or go for a walk along the C&O canal, the retirement income will pay the bills. All I have to do is keep breathing and the monthly checks will come in.

But I tried all that for several years and learned something. I didn't like it. The income from the post-retirement job is all play money, and I get to meet and associate with people I would not otherwise run into. What I found out is that we could have lots of free time or lots of spending money, but not both.

I have no idea where this path will lead. But in the meantime it works for me, it works for DW, and I have the option of deciding not to work at any time. And that option is priceless.

So, to me, I am retired.

What you describe ("I am not working because I have to. ") is FI, not RE or even retired. FI means having enough financial resources so that you dont have to work for money to continue to support yourself. Retired means not working for money (there are other things involved in the definition of retired that are not really necessary to this discussion). And there is a big difference between the 2 (i.e. working). Would you consider Bill Gates or any of the other billionaires that continue to work, retired? Neither does it mean enjoying the work you do for money. Enjoying the work you do for money is a huge plus but it doesnt mean your retired. BTW working part time is at best semi-retired and at worst under employed depending on the circumstances.

The problem with you using a definition of retired (or any word for that matter) that is not widely accepted is that when you write something, people who dont know your definition of retired (and think it means something else) can easily misunderstand what you mean as well as your perspective. I hope you aren't deliberately trying to mislead people but even if it isnt deliberate you are likely misleading some.

 

[Gumby]

what u describe ("I am not working because I have to. ") is FI, not RE or even retired. FI means having enough financial resources so that u dont have to work for money to continue to support urself. retired means not working for money (there r other things involved in the definition of retired that r not really necessary to this discussion). and there is a big difference between the 2 (i.e. working). wud u consider bill gates or any of the other billionaires that continue to work, retired? neither does it mean enjoying the work u do for money. enjoying the work u do for money is a huge plus but it doesnt mean ur retired. btw working part time is at best semi retired and at worst under employed depending on the circumstances.

the problem with u using a definition of retired (or any word for that matter) that is not widely accepted is that when u write something people who dont know ur definition of retired (and think it means something else) can easily misunderstand what u mean as well as ur perspective. i hope u rnt deliberately trying to mislead people but even if it isnt deliberate u r likely misleading some.

JDW: Maybe it's just me, but I have difficulty reading posts that don't spell out the words and/or lack capitalization and punctuation.

 

[ziggy29]

JDW: Maybe it's just me, but I have difficulty reading posts that don't spell out the words and/or lack capitalization and punctuation.

It's not just u. I don't do textspeak.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

JDW: Maybe it's just me, but I have difficulty reading posts that don't spell out the words and/or lack capitalization and punctuation.

Maybe it's the "FIRE snobism" in that message that is bugging you:

what u describe ("I am not working because I have to. ") is FI, not RE or even retired. FI means having enough financial resources so that u dont have to work for money to continue to support urself. retired means not working for money (there r other things involved in the definition of retired that r not really necessary to this discussion). and there is a big difference between the 2 (i.e. working). wud u consider bill gates or any of the other billionaires that continue to work, retired? neither does it mean enjoying the work u do for money. enjoying the work u do for money is a huge plus but it doesnt mean ur retired. btw working part time is at best semi retired and at worst under employed depending on the circumstances.

the problem with u using a definition of retired (or any word for that matter) that is not widely accepted is that when u write something people who dont know ur definition of retired (and think it means something else) can easily misunderstand what u mean as well as ur perspective. i hope u rnt deliberately trying to mislead people but even if it isnt deliberate u r likely misleading some.

As far as I'm concerned, if someone wants to call himself or herself FIRED or ESRd or ERd, be my guest - call it whatever you feel like calling it. Wouldn't worry about someone else's arbitrary definition. As long as you have the secret decoder ring and password to prove you are a member, of course

 

[FurBall]

I completely understand and subscribe to Walt34's definition of retired. I too think of myself as retired although I consult 3 days per week. Retirement is a state of mind. I no longer have a "ca*reer"; I no longer care about politics; I no longer need to work; I no longer stress over whether a project or contract will end. In other words, I feel free.

I try to refer to myself on here as semi-retired so as not to offend those like jdw_fire who subscribe to a stricter definition.

 

[Martha]

Even if a woman has a very secure and lucrative career, a man who stays at home is judged frequently as a slacker, as a lazy bum, as a loser, as a useless ne'er-do-well and a parasite.

If it's all working out well for the couple, who cares what judgmental people think? I mean, seriously. Is someone writing threatening slogans on their house and burning crosses on their lawn? That's about the point at which I'd start to get concerned about public reaction.

If you get poked at subtly and not so subtly about living off your wife it can be hard not to have it wear on you. May also make it harder to make new friends.

 

[haha]

I completely understand and subscribe to Walt34's definition of retired. I too think of myself as retired although I consult 3 days per week. Retirement is a state of mind.

I think of myself as 6'6' and really good looking. Being tall and good looking is purely a state of mind.

I may just go all the way and coin my own language that no one but me will be able to understand. Voilá, no more pesky comparisons between what I think and what others may observe.

Ha

 

[jdw_fire]

JDW: Maybe it's just me, but I have difficulty reading posts that don't spell out the words and/or lack capitalization and punctuation.

It's not just u. I don't do textspeak.

Just for you 2 texting illiterates, I edited my post. Hopefully now you can just comment on the thoughts instead of the typing. BTW, I dont spell well either, hopefully you can overlook any spelling errors.