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Old 07-10-2014, 09:08 AM   #41
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I'm of the mindset that you offer everything *except* financial support. You teach your kids how to: (i) find a part-time job, (ii) write a decent resume, (iii) dress appropriately for the interview/work, (iv) write clearly and succinctly, etc.... While none of these skills will pay the bills, they will translate into an ability to find a decent-paying job that will. Most kids should know these things by the time they reach adulthood, and many parents have tried to teach them during their adolescent years, but kids often aren't ready to learn these lessons until they're out on their own.

EDIT: Don't be swayed by pleas for money. It's easy to give money, but you'll just be an enabler of laziness. Learning the foregoing skills can be hard for some, but they will pay a lifetime of dividends - with the added bonus that they'll hopefully be passed on to any grandkids.
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Old 07-10-2014, 10:21 AM   #42
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These are great!

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Originally Posted by slowsaver View Post
If you're planning to apply tough-love to your Millennial kid, be aware that they'll be busy writing new "Old Economy Steve" memes about you on the internet:

Old Economy Steven: Image Gallery | Know Your Meme

Too bad they can't monetize that creativity.
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Old 07-10-2014, 03:13 PM   #43
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Interesting thread. I must say my DH and I have been the "enablers". One and a half years ago our 33 year old son got laid off from his job along with a ticket that required some community service. We paid the ticket (let him know a one time deal) and moved him home from across the state. The deal was he could live with us for a year to get back on his feet again. He worked for 6 months for a friend and then nothing. I mean nothing. He found a job in January (a decent job for someone who doesn't have a college degree). Overslept and didn't show up. Didn't even call. One more try...his dad told him he had 6 more months or until the end of June and then he has to be out of here. You would think he would take advantage of the situation right. No work, no looking. In the mean time his vehicle breaks down. No vehicle no job. We bought a used car for him. He has paid us back for half. (Sold some stuff). June 30th came and nothing. So guess what...we helped him move to his friends on Friday and he got a job by Monday. Moral of the story...don't let them come back home and don't dole out the bucks to be an enabler. His stuff is still here, has to be out by the end of the month. He can't come back home. Lesson learned on our side. DD is doing well and is married and paying her way quite well. DS didn't want to go to college now we are using that money to help finance our retirement. Love your kids, give emotional support. Don't do what we did. Just my 2 cents worth.
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Old 07-10-2014, 04:51 PM   #44
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But if either one suddenly found themselves unemployed and unable to afford rent in this high COL area, I would offer them their old room back til they got back on their feet, no question. But I have the luxury of knowing that either one would be working as hard as they could to get another job and move out again ASAP!
That's good for them to know.

After my divorce and the house sold I did boomerang back to my mother's house for a number of reasons. And I'll say that at 35 years old living at Mom's was the last place I wanted to be. But she'd been on her own for about ten years and the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done. She was on the waiting list for a CCRC and would have 60 days to sell the house and move when they called. I figured there would be two benefits to the arrangement. She'd get all that maintenance done (easier if I'm living there and all my tools are there too) and I could save enough fast enough to be out of there in ~18 months, 24 at most, and have the down payment/closing on my own house.

So in 18 months I got the lawn into better shape than it had ever been, cleaned out a lot of the stuff that my packrat father had left (~four pickup truck loads) and she was reluctant to part with being a child of the Depression. I repainted the entire house interior including white enamel on all trim and doors, paid the utilities (there was no house payment) did the minor repairs (faucet leaks and the like) and fixed a water pipe leak at 7:00 AM Christmas Day. Good luck finding a plumber then!

The plan worked, I was gone to my own house in 18 months and when her house went on the market it sold in three days.

So sometimes it works out well.
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Old 07-11-2014, 01:09 PM   #45
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I thought we had a plan. Real life intervened.

The idea was that they'd get four years of college cost. If they earned merit based scholarships, I'd use the money I saved to help them with grad school (and I guessed they would all head that way). All of them had merit based scholarships.

But, all three of them had unusual health problems. One has struggled through, one got a little help, the third a lot more. It bothers me. I'd never expected that retirement savings would go toward supporting my adult kids. I wish that one would let me provide more help, and another would ask for less. But, when I look at the situations, I don't see myself doing less this month.

Now, we've also been helping my wife's brother, who is a good-hearted, hard-working guy who has had his own problems, but then married the wrong woman. That bothers me a lot more...
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Old 07-11-2014, 03:01 PM   #46
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Now, we've also been helping my wife's brother, who is a good-hearted, hard-working guy who has had his own problems, but then married the wrong woman. That bothers me a lot more...
Not to sound cold, but why continue to help him, since the "problem" (of choosing a bad wife) is one of his own making? Couldn't he solve such problem by getting a divorce, after which you could choose to resume helping him?
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Old 07-11-2014, 06:49 PM   #47
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When I went part time, I decided that one of the things I wanted to do was make my daughters life a little easier. She didn't ask for it, but I know she could use it. I told her she could have it now, or when I'm dead. I just direct deposit a couple hours work into her acct each week. I don't miss it. She holds down a good but not so great paying job, owns her own home, has a 401k. I don't think I am enabling her.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:02 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Jay_Gatsby View Post
Not to sound cold, but why continue to help him, since the "problem" (of choosing a bad wife) is one of his own making? Couldn't he solve such problem by getting a divorce, after which you could choose to resume helping him?
Yes, I'd be happy to pay for a divorce. My wife doesn't see it that way.
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Old 07-12-2014, 07:05 AM   #49
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Yes, I'd be happy to pay for a divorce. My wife doesn't see it that way.

Not sure I understand why she doesn't, but I wonder whether cutting off support might be a catalyst for the problem resolving itself.


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Old 07-12-2014, 08:16 AM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Independent View Post
I thought we had a plan. Real life intervened.

The idea was that they'd get four years of college cost. If they earned merit based scholarships, I'd use the money I saved to help them with grad school (and I guessed they would all head that way). All of them had merit based scholarships.

But, all three of them had unusual health problems. One has struggled through, one got a little help, the third a lot more. It bothers me. I'd never expected that retirement savings would go toward supporting my adult kids. I wish that one would let me provide more help, and another would ask for less. But, when I look at the situations, I don't see myself doing less this month.

Now, we've also been helping my wife's brother, who is a good-hearted, hard-working guy who has had his own problems, but then married the wrong woman. That bothers me a lot more...
Considering your username, that's a pretty ironic twist. health problems no one can fix. Are your kids using all resources available from the public sector? Can you continue to provide support for all these people indefinitely?
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