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Old 07-11-2019, 09:28 AM   #41
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Reading between the lines of OP's comments I can't help but get the impression that "SO" never really agreed to the various things OP believes they agreed upon. e.g., he would split expenses come September 1, while simultaneously he "magically" incurred 2K of new credit card debt. I think there's a communication problem #1, and that will inevitably lead to a more serous relationship problem.
OP: take a deeper look at your relationship and expectations.

Agree. Iím surprised to see so many people telling you to kick him to the curb because of student loan debt. My bigger concern would be that the way that youíre approaching this makes it seem like youíre thinking of him as a roommate and not as a partner.

Honestly, it seems like you both have fairly immature attitudes about finances. Youíve been together long enough to understand the weight of that kind of debt and what it means for your and his lifestyle. IMO, itís very unfair to have asked him to split that kind of furniture/new house debt knowing his financial situation. Did he know going in it was going to be 15k or was he thinking a few thousand? For perspective, we moved into a house that was double the sq ft of our last house about a year ago. In the last year, weíve spent 5k on this sort of stuff.

You need to decide on whether you want a future with him or not. If the former, you need to make a commitment together to get that debt wiped out ASAP. Not saying you should pay it, but of course itís going to impact the type of lifestyle you can have together. This is part of being in a committed relationship. If youíre not, buying a house with a long term mortgage and the expectation that he would contribute is incredibly naive.

Maybe Iím being harsh, but your expectations for him seem out of whack.
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:56 AM   #42
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When I met my husband he had debt. I owned a condo I could afford by myself. It didn’t cost me a dime more for the 2 of us to live there. He paid half the food and I paid my household expenses. 5 years later he was debt free and we married. I didn’t run out and buy a bigger house and expect him to pay half. It was more important for him to get out of debt. The condo was only 869 sq ft and we lived there 6 years.
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:22 PM   #43
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OP, beside the Dave Ramsey and Judge Judy recommendations above, you may also find books like Your Money or Your Life and The Millionaire Next Door of interest, whether or not you stay with your SO long term. As others have noted $15K is a lot for furniture given the description of your financial situation, not just the SOs. When we moved one of our young adult kids into a first apartment (with a roommate), all their furniture and household goods either came from relatives, thrift shops or Ikea and it looked fine. If you want the SO to be better with money, you are probably going to have to be more cognizant and supportive of his $100K debt, and that means not living high on the hog. Or figuring out to get creative and live a champagne life but on a beer budget.
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:54 PM   #44
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Need more information.

How old is he? How old are the student loans? Does his job have great potential for earnings growth?

The reason I ask is if he's fresh out of college and is just starting a career I can understand the debt. However, if he's around 30, hasn't been paying on the student loans and his career hasn't taken off, then that's a whole other situation.

These two completely different situations would require different advice.
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Old 07-11-2019, 01:05 PM   #45
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To be more specific, I ended up buying a new home for us to live in together (with my own funds for the down payment, taking out the loan in my name and receiving the deed in my name).

I've known since early on in our relationship that my SO has significant student loans (near $100k).

Even though he already moved in with me, he has not yet made any monthly payments because his lease on his old place does not expire until Sept 1.

We agreed to split all of such costs even and track them in a spreadsheet. As of now, he has only paid about about $3k of the total $15k because he can't swing it, given his monthly student loan payment of $1400 plus other living expenses. In fact, he told me he has accrued approximately $2k in credit card debt recently and he doesn't feel he will be able to pay me for any portion of the furniture/etc expenses for quite a while, until he pays off his credit card debt. His "free" monthly cash flow is tight and any large expense can really set him back for a while.

I am not really sure what to do, but it is certainly bothering me. Upon learning of his high student loans when we first started dating, it was never a game changer and I always felt that it wouldn't bother me as long as I wasn't sharing the tab with him. But now I feel that I am doing just that....

Unfortunately, I believe his student loans likely won't be paid in full for another 5+ years.
You made a huge mistake. You need to rectify it immediately.

He has already gone back on his promise. How many more do you need to see to convince you?

Unless you want to support your SO financially for the forseeable future, he needs to be out of your house and you need to move on.

Decide if you can afford to, and want to, own this home and the payments entirely on your own. If not, sell it while the housing market is good.
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Old 07-11-2019, 01:09 PM   #46
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My Significant Other "SO" and I have moved in together after about 2.5 years of dating. To be more specific, I ended up buying a new home for us to live in together (with my own funds for the down payment, taking out the loan in my name and receiving the deed in my name). We are dating and not married. I've known since early on in our relationship that my SO has significant student loans (near $100k). I was OK with buying the place on my own given that we would plan to split the monthly housing costs. Even though he already moved in with me, he has not yet made any monthly payments because his lease on his old place does not expire until Sept 1. This was known in advance and I am OK with this. The plan is that we will split the monthly "all-in" costs even beginning September 1.
My wife and I had some parallels with your situation, but some significant differences as well. We were 22 and 23 years old, 36 years ago.

I was just out of Engineering college, so I had a good income relative to most. I also had $6,000 cash and no debt, so I was planning on buying a house. She was a real estate agent and a part time waitress. Since her real estate career had not been established, she wasnít making many commissions. She also had a significant debt to her Father. I think it was on the order of $3,000. We also agreed that she should quit her waitress job for various reasons.

We dated for about 3 months before we decided to live together. However, both of us expected that if the living together part went well, we would soon marry.

I bought a house about the time we got engaged. I knew at the time it was a stretch for me, but like you, I found out it was a bigger stretch with all of the bills, furniture, etc.

However, I loved my then girlfriend/fiancť dearly, and there was nothing that was going to stop us from moving towards marriage and the rest of our lives.

Yes, there were compromises. Several that I will not go into details on, but that is the choice we made with one salary significantly more than the other, and one person a natural saver and one person a natural spender.

We are now happily married for 35 years  So I would suggest you look long and hard at your SO, and decide if you want to move forward into a long-term relationship. Couples often have different incomes, financial goals, and family backgrounds. It can work, as we proved.

The question is, do you love him enough? Seems like I have not heard that, and if you did, none of this might not matter to you. Just my opinion. Good luck to you
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Old 07-11-2019, 01:13 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by Cassius King View Post
Need more information.

How old is he? How old are the student loans? Does his job have great potential for earnings growth?

The reason I ask is if he's fresh out of college and is just starting a career I can understand the debt. However, if he's around 30, hasn't been paying on the student loans and his career hasn't taken off, then that's a whole other situation.

These two completely different situations would require different advice.
Agreed. If this cat is in his 30's, he's no prize worth making sacrifices for.

If he just finished law school for example, that's a horse of a different color. The vibe I get is that it's the former though.
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Old 07-11-2019, 02:44 PM   #48
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Sorry to be so blunt. He canít manage his money. Heís in debt and thatís not going to change. Youíre going to have to accept this is going to be your reality for years.
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Old 07-11-2019, 03:13 PM   #49
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S.O. With High Debt / What to do?

I donít think anyone has mentioned that paying $1,400/month on $100,000 debt, will not payoff the debt in 5 years, even if the interest rate was zero, so this debt is for the long haul unless the SO increases his payments more than the minimum.
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Old 07-11-2019, 03:31 PM   #50
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I donít think anyone has mentioned that paying $1,400/month on $100,000 debt, will not payoff the debt in 5 years, even if the interest rate was zero, so this debt is for the long haul unless the SO increases his payments more than the minimum.
Sept. 1 he no longer pays rent on his apartment, so some portion of that money was likely figured into going towards the loan payments.
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:04 PM   #51
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My wife and I had some parallels with your situation, but some significant differences as well. We were 22 and 23 years old, 36 years ago.

I was just out of Engineering college, so I had a good income relative to most. I also had $6,000 cash and no debt, so I was planning on buying a house. She was a real estate agent and a part time waitress. Since her real estate career had not been established, she wasnít making many commissions. She also had a significant debt to her Father. I think it was on the order of $3,000. We also agreed that she should quit her waitress job for various reasons.

We dated for about 3 months before we decided to live together. However, both of us expected that if the living together part went well, we would soon marry.

I bought a house about the time we got engaged. I knew at the time it was a stretch for me, but like you, I found out it was a bigger stretch with all of the bills, furniture, etc.

However, I loved my then girlfriend/fiancť dearly, and there was nothing that was going to stop us from moving towards marriage and the rest of our lives.

Yes, there were compromises. Several that I will not go into details on, but that is the choice we made with one salary significantly more than the other, and one person a natural saver and one person a natural spender.

We are now happily married for 35 years  So I would suggest you look long and hard at your SO, and decide if you want to move forward into a long-term relationship. Couples often have different incomes, financial goals, and family backgrounds. It can work, as we proved.

The question is, do you love him enough? Seems like I have not heard that, and if you did, none of this might not matter to you. Just my opinion. Good luck to you
plus 1. Been married under very simular circumstances for 32 year. Yes DW's financial habits drive me crazy, but that is called marriage. I am sure I've got things that drive her nuts as well. If u love him enough you can balance this out. The love is more important than $ (within reason!!). Student debt would not run me off. Most importantly you should talk it out and address the issue head on.
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:18 PM   #52
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S.O. With High Debt / What to do?

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Sept. 1 he no longer pays rent on his apartment, so some portion of that money was likely figured into going towards the loan payments.


But Sept 1 he has to start splitting cost of the mortgage and home related expenses with the OP, so how will he be putting more than $1,400 toward the SD.

But IMHO, if the OP loves this SO, she should be accepting that his debts will be partially hers, when they combine their finances. If she canít view their combined finances as joint, then they arenít well matched. This can only work if they share debt AND live by the same LBYM lifestyle.
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:27 PM   #53
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.... I am really stumped as to how to proceed now, because it has hit me that I am effectively going to be subsidizing his student loans unless something changes.....
Can you elaborate on this? I guess I don't see the situation as very dire... he owes $100k in student loans, $2k in credit card debt and $4.5k to you for the furniture (1/2 of $15k less $3k paid to date). No need to panic.

Based on the current payments and interest rate, when would his student loans be paid? How much is his monthly free cash flow?

Will he ba able to cover his 1/2 of housing costs and $1,400 student loan debt payments and whatever his other li costs are?

FWIW, DW brought student loans to our union (but only $10k) and I brought net assets. See the last item of my tag line.
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:50 PM   #54
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I think you should just give him the house now and skip the marriage/arguing/hating/legal fee's/Divorce part!
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:53 PM   #55
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I wrote out a response to this incredible thread, but on second thought, how stupid of me to even consider posting it.

Carry on folks!

Ha
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Old 07-11-2019, 05:12 PM   #56
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Well that's a shame. I enjoy reading your perspective on things, Ha. Although I don't always fully agree, the inherent humor in your comments carries the day for me. You have a knack for linguistically marching right up to the line of acceptability, without stumbling over it. A rare talent, for sure.
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Old 07-11-2019, 05:38 PM   #57
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I wrote out a response to this incredible thread, But on second thought, how stupid of me to even consider posting it.

Carry on folks!

Ha
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Old 07-11-2019, 05:48 PM   #58
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Well that's a shame. I enjoy reading your perspective on things, Ha. Although I don't always fully agree, the inherent humor in your comments carries the day for me. You have a knack for linguistically marching right up to the line of acceptability, without stumbling over it. A rare talent, for sure.
Never fear my good friend. I am not going anywhere, only remarking on what is maybe the most astounding example of overreaching that I can remember.

I only meant that while I may offer a meta-comment here and there, I don't think that I will venture onto the playfield, and this is definitely not to be missed.

Ha
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Old 07-11-2019, 06:32 PM   #59
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Well you can see the direction to probably head to.
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:15 AM   #60
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My Significant Other "SO" and I have moved in together after about 2.5 years of dating.

I've known since early on in our relationship that my SO has significant student loans (near $100k).


I am starting to realize that, we as a couple, aren't going to be able to continue living the lifestyle we like to live (travel, eating out, doing fun things, furnishing our new place, etc.) unless some changes occur: A) he somehow pays off his loans overnight B) he gets a huge raise C) we cut back on lifestyle choices.


Unfortunately, I believe his student loans likely won't be paid in full for another 5+ years.
These are all common issues when starting out. Maybe not the volume of debt, and uneven distribution you are facing, but it is very common to see people just starting out with debt. It is also common for 1 person in a relationship to earn significantly more than the other. Usually the male (due to career choice vs salary gap). As a couple it isn't realistic to think his debts are his alone.

With that being said you need to ask yourself. Given his spending/work habits, his debts and your combined incomes, can you make a life together? Do you see a clear path to pay down the combined debt as a couple and still accomplish the goals you want for yourself?

You should review his work ethic. Personally, I would be working a second or 3rd job to pay down that debt. A few nights a week as a waiter or bartender could put an extra $1200 or so a month towards the household. If he isn't and hasn't been tackling the debt seriously for the past 2 years don't expect him to change any time soon.

Best of luck with a very tough decision.
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