S.O. With High Debt / What to do?

[jollystomper]

To the OP, the advice that falls into the "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" philosophy seems sound. Figure out what you may have to do with your expenses to keep and maintain the house, even if it means you do not get to do things you want to do while you perceive he does.

The biggest thing is to do not continue to feed his bad money habits. Him not paying his share because he is paying for his own debt is one thing. Him starting to come to you with the line "I really want this thing but cannot afford it, can you cover it for me and I'll pay it back" is a big red flag you need to avoid.

I would also recommend, to see worse case scenarios, watching a few episodes of "Judge Judy"... many cases on there featuring what happens when something in your situation goes very wrong, and suddenly "promises to pay" become "it was a gift" or "they did it but I did not ask for them to do it".

 

[njhowie]

The plan is that we will split the monthly "all-in" costs even beginning September 1.

I would suggest waiting until Sep 1 when his rent payments are freed up and he can pay more towards the housing expenses.

Also, what do you mean by "all-in" costs? Is he going to be paying rent or anything towards your mortgage, or is he living rent free just paying half of utilities, food, and other expenses? If the latter, then you need to change that.

But regardless, it seems that you've not even waited until Sep 1 when that is really where things should begin.

 

[athena53]

The biggest thing is to do not continue to feed his bad money habits. Him not paying his share because he is paying for his own debt is one thing. Him starting to come to you with the line "I really want this thing but cannot afford it, can you cover it for me and I'll pay it back" is a big red flag you need to avoid.

Oh, yeah. I fell for that WAY too many times with the Ex. I'm now dating a guy of far more modest means and one of the many things I appreciate about him is that he's never even hinted that I ought to fund something that he wants because I have more money. Tomorrow we're headed for my favorite B&B 3 hours away, in a town that interests him (family roots there) but he's never visited. The B&B costs the same regardless of whether one or two people occupy the room; cost of gas is the same, too, so I'm not asking for a contribution. It's something we can do together without breaking his budget. I know him; he'll pick up the cost of some of the meals. I'm happy with that. OTOH, I have a couple of VERY expensive trips planned that I know he'd love to do but that level of travel isn't in his budget. Even if I were to offer to pay his way (and I wouldn't), I'm pretty sure he'd never accept.

Be cautious.

 

[Lakewood90712]

OP, a few things as if writing to my younger self. Not sure how old you are but assuming you are around 30?

First, don't make babies with your SO. At least not now. If you stay together, wait at least 2 years to let all this settle down.

^

This.

You can walk away from everything else in the future, except children.

 

[Lakewood90712]

Part of the decision if we were to break up is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable covering such a large mortgage on my own indefinitely. The plan was that we would split it.

.

The real estate in yours. You put up the down payment, you got a mortgage, and it's in your name. It is yours. If you cannot afford it comfortably on your own, sell it.

Sorry

 

[gwraigty]

Since we now live in a bigger place, we needed to buy new furniture, decor, etc. I have spent close to $15k on all of the above, plus some minor rehab costs, paint, etc.

Bolding mine. No, you wanted to buy... Some items may have been needed right away, but probably not $15K worth all at once. When we moved into our current home, we literally doubled our space. Entire rooms sat empty until we could comfortably afford to fill them in. The process took years and we took on no debt to do it.

The result of so many years of not buying things until we could afford them, has brought us to the point where my husband is choosing to still go to work each day at age 55. He doesn't have to.

Presumably, you each had a bed to sleep in, or at least a mattress, a chair to sit on, some dishes, pots, pans, you get the picture, before you decided to live together.

You commented later that his family lives above their means. What about you? Besides the above, you admit that you bought this house with the expectation of him footing part of the bill for it, or you wouldn't have bought it otherwise.

Though part of the blame clearly lies with him for making promises to pay that he now can't keep.

 

[Moemg]

You have been together for two and a half years that is plenty of time to get the whole picture student loans and all. The house and furniture are yours and now you have to decide if He will suddenly be able to afford the life style you want without you chipping in any extra . You know the answer and now you have to decide if He is worth keeping .

 

[kgtest]

My Significant Other "SO" and I have moved in together after about 2.5 years of dating. To be more specific, I ended up buying a new home for us to live in together (with my own funds for the down payment, taking out the loan in my name and receiving the deed in my name). We are dating and not married. I've known since early on in our relationship that my SO has significant student loans (near $100k). I was OK with buying the place on my own given that we would plan to split the monthly housing costs. Even though he already moved in with me, he has not yet made any monthly payments because his lease on his old place does not expire until Sept 1. This was known in advance and I am OK with this. The plan is that we will split the monthly "all-in" costs even beginning September 1.

Since we now live in a bigger place, we needed to buy new furniture, decor, etc. I have spent close to $15k on all of the above, plus some minor rehab costs, paint, etc. We agreed to split all of such costs even and track them in a spreadsheet. As of now, he has only paid about about $3k of the total $15k because he can't swing it, given his monthly student loan payment of $1400 plus other living expenses. In fact, he told me he has accrued approximately $2k in credit card debt recently and he doesn't feel he will be able to pay me for any portion of the furniture/etc expenses for quite a while, until he pays off his credit card debt. His "free" monthly cash flow is tight and any large expense can really set him back for a while.

My thought with us moving in was that he would be splitting the monthly housing cost with me, and we would keep our finances separate and everything would be fine, despite his student loans.

I am really stumped as to how to proceed now, because it has hit me that I am effectively going to be subsidizing his student loans unless something changes.

Admittedly, we both like to travel, have fun experiences, etc. Generally, I am comfortable spending more money than he is largely because I have more money and because I don't have student loans. I am not judging him for having loans and not putting myself on a pedestal, but this is the reality. We have very different financial situations.

I am starting to realize that, we as a couple, aren't going to be able to continue living the lifestyle we like to live (travel, eating out, doing fun things, furnishing our new place, etc.) unless some changes occur: A) he somehow pays off his loans overnight B) he gets a huge raise C) we cut back on lifestyle choices.

Of course, I don't wish to change my lifestyle, but maybe that is the solution to the dilemma I am facing. Unless any of the 3 changes occur above, the only path I see for the future is that I am going to effectively be carrying the bulk of our housing expenses, unless he continues to get into credit card debt, but I feel we would both resent that in the future.

I am not really sure what to do, but it is certainly bothering me. Upon learning of his high student loans when we first started dating, it was never a game changer and I always felt that it wouldn't bother me as long as I wasn't sharing the tab with him. But now I feel that I am doing just that....

Unfortunately, I believe his student loans likely won't be paid in full for another 5+ years.

I had a friend with 100s of student debt. I saw a post on facebook a few months ago how he was going through old receipts and reminded of the sacrifice it took to pay it all off:

Rice, beans, and ramen for over a year with his wife (and they apparently only did free activities they could bike or walk to). Says he will never eat another bean burrito again.

 

[kgtest]

The real estate in yours. You put up the down payment, you got a mortgage, and it's in your name. It is yours. If you cannot afford it comfortably on your own, sell it.

Sorry

I somewhat agree. My DW is not on our mortgage, she does not contribute to the loan payments, and never once was this set as an expectation. She DOES pay for daycare though...and when that is done, she is free to do what she want's with it(her money). I am a nice guy To be fair, when we first started dating she let me live with her rent free for about 7months before I bought a town house that cost about the same in loan payments as she was paying in rent...from there on out, my duty to cover the mortgage. Call us old fashioned.

 

[ckelly78z]

You may want to look into starting with a financial planning course like the following;

https://www.daveramsey.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpM6m4Yit4wIVnLbACh2h7wTwEAAYASAAEgINVfD_BwE

It's going to take baby steps by both of you to accomplish this !

 

[mystang52]

Reading between the lines of OP's comments I can't help but get the impression that "SO" never really agreed to the various things OP believes they agreed upon. e.g., he would split expenses come September 1, while simultaneously he "magically" incurred 2K of new credit card debt. I think there's a communication problem #1, and that will inevitably lead to a more serous relationship problem.
OP: take a deeper look at your relationship and expectations.

 

[brett]

You need to have a serious discussion. Then make a decision. No one on this forum can help you.

You need to really understand if this is temporary until the student debt is paid or if it is an indication of your future financial situation going forward when there is no student debt.

You have an advantage over many others. You can make the hard decision now if you so wish and have plenty of time to recover and move forward financially. Delaying/elongating this decision will only make it worse.

Affairs of heart......well it is disaster to comment or give advice on those in my experience.

 

[carnivalday]

This feels like a roommate situation rather than a relationship situation. I think you are in a really tough spot, and havent considered the worst case scenarios. What if he looses his job? You are basically subsidizing his life, which really lowers motivation. He doesnt have to worry about a roof over his head, food, electric, and even fun times. If he doesnt have it, you do. And he doesnt have it. And probably wont.

You jumped into this way too soon. I feel like you were all excited to play house, and laid it out to him so it would be easy for him to do it. Why wouldnt he? I feel the right thing to do is send him back to his apartment and take another long look at this. And hope that he goes, because at this point, if he decides he wants to stay, you will have to evict.

Id also be very careful asking him to pay for half the mortgage and half the furniture. A court might view that as ownership. I think for sure, if he's paying for half the furniture, that if he leaves he will be able to take half the furniture, which could be a fun conversation. Id leave the furniture and painting alone, and just charge him rent. With a rental agreement.

Maybe I watch Judge Judy too much, but playing house without marriage nearly always ends up crashing. Especially when one person is financially basically carrying the load, as you are.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I don't have specific advice but will tell you that I was in a similar relationship (and even married!) for almost 10 years. My wife (now ex) thought that as long as she could make the minimum payments on things, life was grand. We had very differing views on money and it made for a MISERABLE, MISERABLE life. Eventually, it came to an end and I eventually met a fantastic woman (with similar thoughts on money) and we have NOT ONCE had a heated discussion about money.

Life is too short to be miserable.

 

[pacergal]

Communication is the key.
Is sounds like OP "thought" or believed certain things would happen.
OP--Your SO has significant debt, you are upset he is not giving you any money when you wrote that the agreement was he pay you back starting Sept 1, almost 2 months from now.
You did not "need" new furnishings, you wanted them.
You know SO has debt, and yet you talk about eating out, traveling, etc.
Not sure you are asking for advice, but here is mine: Sit down together and thoroughly review both of your finances--Income, savings, debt, monthly costs. Discuss both of your money goals and plans for your future (do you see each other together 5-10, or 30 years hence?). Make a plan of how to get there, make a budget, and stick to it. It is not uncommon for one member of a couple to be a higher wage earner, what matters is how you , as a couple, decide to spend and save and what goals you have.

 

[tb001]

Reading between the lines of OP's comments I can't help but get the impression that "SO" never really agreed to the various things OP believes they agreed upon. e.g., he would split expenses come September 1, while simultaneously he "magically" incurred 2K of new credit card debt. I think there's a communication problem #1, and that will inevitably lead to a more serous relationship problem.
OP: take a deeper look at your relationship and expectations.

Agree. I’m surprised to see so many people telling you to kick him to the curb because of student loan debt. My bigger concern would be that the way that you’re approaching this makes it seem like you’re thinking of him as a roommate and not as a partner.

Honestly, it seems like you both have fairly immature attitudes about finances. You’ve been together long enough to understand the weight of that kind of debt and what it means for your and his lifestyle. IMO, it’s very unfair to have asked him to split that kind of furniture/new house debt knowing his financial situation. Did he know going in it was going to be 15k or was he thinking a few thousand? For perspective, we moved into a house that was double the sq ft of our last house about a year ago. In the last year, we’ve spent 5k on this sort of stuff.

You need to decide on whether you want a future with him or not. If the former, you need to make a commitment together to get that debt wiped out ASAP. Not saying you should pay it, but of course it’s going to impact the type of lifestyle you can have together. This is part of being in a committed relationship. If you’re not, buying a house with a long term mortgage and the expectation that he would contribute is incredibly naive.

Maybe I’m being harsh, but your expectations for him seem out of whack.

 

[Teacher Terry]

When I met my husband he had debt. I owned a condo I could afford by myself. It didn’t cost me a dime more for the 2 of us to live there. He paid half the food and I paid my household expenses. 5 years later he was debt free and we married. I didn’t run out and buy a bigger house and expect him to pay half. It was more important for him to get out of debt. The condo was only 869 sq ft and we lived there 6 years.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

OP, beside the Dave Ramsey and Judge Judy recommendations above, you may also find books like Your Money or Your Life and The Millionaire Next Door of interest, whether or not you stay with your SO long term. As others have noted $15K is a lot for furniture given the description of your financial situation, not just the SOs. When we moved one of our young adult kids into a first apartment (with a roommate), all their furniture and household goods either came from relatives, thrift shops or Ikea and it looked fine. If you want the SO to be better with money, you are probably going to have to be more cognizant and supportive of his $100K debt, and that means not living high on the hog. Or figuring out to get creative and live a champagne life but on a beer budget.

 

[Cassius King]

Need more information.

How old is he? How old are the student loans? Does his job have great potential for earnings growth?

The reason I ask is if he's fresh out of college and is just starting a career I can understand the debt. However, if he's around 30, hasn't been paying on the student loans and his career hasn't taken off, then that's a whole other situation.

These two completely different situations would require different advice.

 

[joeea]

To be more specific, I ended up buying a new home for us to live in together (with my own funds for the down payment, taking out the loan in my name and receiving the deed in my name).

I've known since early on in our relationship that my SO has significant student loans (near $100k).

Even though he already moved in with me, he has not yet made any monthly payments because his lease on his old place does not expire until Sept 1.

We agreed to split all of such costs even and track them in a spreadsheet. As of now, he has only paid about about $3k of the total $15k because he can't swing it, given his monthly student loan payment of $1400 plus other living expenses. In fact, he told me he has accrued approximately $2k in credit card debt recently and he doesn't feel he will be able to pay me for any portion of the furniture/etc expenses for quite a while, until he pays off his credit card debt. His "free" monthly cash flow is tight and any large expense can really set him back for a while.

I am not really sure what to do, but it is certainly bothering me. Upon learning of his high student loans when we first started dating, it was never a game changer and I always felt that it wouldn't bother me as long as I wasn't sharing the tab with him. But now I feel that I am doing just that....

Unfortunately, I believe his student loans likely won't be paid in full for another 5+ years.

You made a huge mistake. You need to rectify it immediately.

He has already gone back on his promise. How many more do you need to see to convince you?

Unless you want to support your SO financially for the forseeable future, he needs to be out of your house and you need to move on.

Decide if you can afford to, and want to, own this home and the payments entirely on your own. If not, sell it while the housing market is good.

 

[48Fire]

My Significant Other "SO" and I have moved in together after about 2.5 years of dating. To be more specific, I ended up buying a new home for us to live in together (with my own funds for the down payment, taking out the loan in my name and receiving the deed in my name). We are dating and not married. I've known since early on in our relationship that my SO has significant student loans (near $100k). I was OK with buying the place on my own given that we would plan to split the monthly housing costs. Even though he already moved in with me, he has not yet made any monthly payments because his lease on his old place does not expire until Sept 1. This was known in advance and I am OK with this. The plan is that we will split the monthly "all-in" costs even beginning September 1.

My wife and I had some parallels with your situation, but some significant differences as well. We were 22 and 23 years old, 36 years ago.

I was just out of Engineering college, so I had a good income relative to most. I also had $6,000 cash and no debt, so I was planning on buying a house. She was a real estate agent and a part time waitress. Since her real estate career had not been established, she wasn’t making many commissions. She also had a significant debt to her Father. I think it was on the order of $3,000. We also agreed that she should quit her waitress job for various reasons.

We dated for about 3 months before we decided to live together. However, both of us expected that if the living together part went well, we would soon marry.

I bought a house about the time we got engaged. I knew at the time it was a stretch for me, but like you, I found out it was a bigger stretch with all of the bills, furniture, etc.

However, I loved my then girlfriend/fiancé dearly, and there was nothing that was going to stop us from moving towards marriage and the rest of our lives.

Yes, there were compromises. Several that I will not go into details on, but that is the choice we made with one salary significantly more than the other, and one person a natural saver and one person a natural spender.

We are now happily married for 35 years  So I would suggest you look long and hard at your SO, and decide if you want to move forward into a long-term relationship. Couples often have different incomes, financial goals, and family backgrounds. It can work, as we proved.

The question is, do you love him enough? Seems like I have not heard that, and if you did, none of this might not matter to you. Just my opinion. Good luck to you

 

[DFDubb]

Need more information.

How old is he? How old are the student loans? Does his job have great potential for earnings growth?

The reason I ask is if he's fresh out of college and is just starting a career I can understand the debt. However, if he's around 30, hasn't been paying on the student loans and his career hasn't taken off, then that's a whole other situation.

These two completely different situations would require different advice.

Agreed. If this cat is in his 30's, he's no prize worth making sacrifices for.

If he just finished law school for example, that's a horse of a different color. The vibe I get is that it's the former though.

 

[nhcycling]

Sorry to be so blunt. He can’t manage his money. He’s in debt and that’s not going to change. You’re going to have to accept this is going to be your reality for years.

 

[Golden sunsets]

I don’t think anyone has mentioned that paying $1,400/month on $100,000 debt, will not payoff the debt in 5 years, even if the interest rate was zero, so this debt is for the long haul unless the SO increases his payments more than the minimum.

 

[njhowie]

I don’t think anyone has mentioned that paying $1,400/month on $100,000 debt, will not payoff the debt in 5 years, even if the interest rate was zero, so this debt is for the long haul unless the SO increases his payments more than the minimum.

Sept. 1 he no longer pays rent on his apartment, so some portion of that money was likely figured into going towards the loan payments.