S.O. With High Debt / What to do?

[Chuckanut]

the very best advice I ever read about relationships came from the book "The Last Lecture", by Randy Pausch. As he was dying of pancreatic cancer, knowing he wouldn't be around to advise his children when they reached the dating age, he wrote letters to them to be opened at various birthdays he would subsequently miss.

I had forgotten about Mr. Pausch's letters and his last lecture he gave his students. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[joeea]

I think the OP was a bit unrealistic in assuming all the costs could be split 50:50

I went back and read the original post.

I don't see an assumption there, rather I see an agreement. And the agreement stopped being followed pretty much immediately.

I see red flags there.

 

[HI Bill]

The OP made a few interesting decisions. Buying a house to share with a SO, without being married. Spending $15K on furnishings (I haven't spent $15K on furnishings, and I'm 53). Guess the question is, is the OP's SO 'worth' the difference in spending/debt attitude, and the debt?

If I were the OP, I'd share my vision for the joint future, and try to discern a plan to pay off the SO's debt in a reasonable time. Otherwise, I see resentment, and inequality in the relationship. The OP owns the house, brings in more money, and has no debt (apparently, other than the morgtage, presumably). And sadly, I don't see the relationship enduring.

 

[Ian S]

I went back and read the original post.

I don't see an assumption there, rather I see an agreement. And the agreement stopped being followed pretty much immediately.

I see red flags there.

I think there was at least an assumption that the agreement could be lived up to by the SO. The OP surely had to have some knowledge of the SO's finances in over two years of dating, certainly the student loan debt was known. If I had to guess, the SO is probably just making ends meet between the rent and the student loans and food, utilities and incidentals. The OP needs to decide whether he can live with an arrangement wherein finances aren't evenly split. It can be done but not if it's going to cause resentment on the part of either person in the relationship.

 

[aja8888]

Sounds like to OP is a poor planner. Also, the OP probably didn't realize that a new house is a money pit.

Funny thing is the OP knew of the student loan bomb and somehow didn't think it would be an issue? Unfortunately, money is fungible and debt is debt.

This living arrangement probably won't end well.

 

[joeea]

I think there was at least an assumption that the agreement could be lived up to by the SO. The OP surely had to have some knowledge of the SO's finances in over two years of dating, certainly the student loan debt was known. If I had to guess, the SO is probably just making ends meet between the rent and the student loans and food, utilities and incidentals. The OP needs to decide whether he can live with an arrangement wherein finances aren't evenly split. It can be done but not if it's going to cause resentment on the part of either person in the relationship.

Sure, it was silly for the OP to think that his SO would actually live up to his promises. He should never have assumed his SO would do what he said he would do. What was he thinking?

I see warning signs all over the place here. That's not the way I'd expect a new live-in relationship to begin. Hope I'm being too pessimistic...

 

[Moemg]

Give the SO some slack . He has been paying his debt and He worries about the credit card debt . Those are two good signs .

 

[NW-Bound]

It's hard to comment, as we do not know what transpired between the OP and SO. For example, the SO said he spent $15K on furniture and the SO did not pay his share, but did they go out to shop together? And if they did, did the SO say "hold it, I may not be able to share the cost of this"? Or did he say "let's buy this, and I will pay you later".

The OP acted surprised about the SO's financial condition, but was he misled all through this time? There were many things that we do not know. Did they know how much income the other had? How much disposable income does the SO have after paying his student loan and other debts? Does he have any expensive habit? Without knowing some facts, it is not possible to determine if the SO is honestly making an effort to improve his financial condition, therefore worth given a chance.

 

[Siestatime]

I can share a similar experience, and the outcome may provide comfort for the OP. My SO of approx 2 years moved into my house (about 12 years after I bought it). I was comfortably employed making approximately 2x his salary. I never expected him to cover half the home’s expenses, but he has made life in our house a home in many ways.

Like OP’s SO, my SO did not come from a family with financial discipline. Over time, I have, I think, given valuable lessons (most learned here) to my SO, and he has paid off his car (and not run out to buy a new one because he had ‘extra’ cash in his pocket), paid down his CC bills, added to his 401k, etc. This did not happen overnight, but I believe I’ve instilled in him the value of saving.

I don’t cook; he loves to cook. He loves food shopping (and pays for it). I detest it. I maintain virtually every mechanical system in the house; he cleans the house and mows the lawn and does the laundry. He pays the internet/cable/phone bill.

Eighteen years later, the mortgage is paid off (early). I retired (early) and my partner still cooks, shops, cleans, mows, and works. It works for us. At this point, I’m planning to add his name to the deed.

We travel several times a year, and I pay twice as much as he. Just because I have it. It’s normal for us and never causes even an inkling of an issue.

A relationship is many things, including arrangements as mundane as these. But in the end, only you can decide if these concessions/trade-offs/arrangements make you happy. A relationship is not always about money. If you gel together and see beyond his current student loan debt to a period when he can be/will be financially responsible and independent, then don’t end your relationship for these temporary conditions.

 

[Ian S]

I can share a similar experience, and the outcome may provide comfort for the OP. My SO of approx 2 years moved into my house (about 12 years after I bought it). I was comfortably employed making approximately 2x his salary. I never expected him to cover half the home’s expenses, but he has made life in our house a home in many ways.

Like OP’s SO, my SO did not come from a family with financial discipline. Over time, I have, I think, given valuable lessons (most learned here) to my SO, and he has paid off his car (and not run out to buy a new one because he had ‘extra’ cash in his pocket), paid down his CC bills, added to his 401k, etc. This did not happen overnight, but I believe I’ve instilled in him the value of saving.

I don’t cook; he loves to cook. He loves food shopping (and pays for it). I detest it. I maintain virtually every mechanical system in the house; he cleans the house and mows the lawn and does the laundry. He pays the internet/cable/phone bill.

Eighteen years later, the mortgage is paid off (early). I retired (early) and my partner still cooks, shops, cleans, mows, and works. It works for us. At this point, I’m planning to add his name to the deed.

We travel several times a year, and I pay twice as much as he. Just because I have it. It’s normal for us and never causes even an inkling of an issue.

A relationship is many things, including arrangements as mundane as these. But in the end, only you can decide if these concessions/trade-offs/arrangements make you happy. A relationship is not always about money. If you gel together and see beyond his current student loan debt to a period when he can be/will be financially responsible and independent, then don’t end your relationship for these temporary conditions.

+1! It's not always about the money.

 

[troutnut1]

“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.” Rod Stewart

I was a lot like the guy in this story with $100k in debt when I met my beautiful wife in 1983. I was coming off a 12 year marriage with 4 kids and huge child support. The divorce wasn’t my idea. We got married really young and by 30 my wife decided she wanted to “go dancing”. Eventually she asked me to move out, and moved in 2 boyfriends in my place.

My attorney said I could just give her everything, or he could fight. He advised that if I fought, she would still end up with everything, and I would end up with large attorney fees as well. So I walked with nothing. Moved back to my parents for a while while I dated.

Fortunately for me I met a beautiful girl who didn’t care that I was broke and in debt with huge child support. We were both heavy drinkers and smokers and we had a blast for 4 years before we married. I advised her many times not to marry me. I was certainly no prize financially, and it looked like that would be the case for a long time to come. She married me anyway. Times were made tougher by the fact that I was by then an alcoholic smoking 4 packs a day. Still she loved me until I could find my way to AA in 1998. I had my last drink 11/21/98 and quit smoking. As part of my recovery I got a good job and made financial amends to everyone I had owed. I studied and learned to handle money. I became successful and very conservative with money and debt. Our finances completely changed for the better. And the child support was finally paid off as the kids became of age.

Today we are both retired with a decent income, no debts, a paid off home, and a 7 figure net worth. But we sure didn’t start off that way. I’m sure glad she didn’t take my advice to dump me.

Although my story is statistically unlikely, people can change when it comes to money when given sufficient motivation and education. Hard lessons learned are also important. I got my AA degree in AA.

 

[Dtail]

^^^ Nice story with a good ending. Thanks for sharing.

 

[joeea]

+1! It's not always about the money.

Fair enough.

Sometimes it's about trust - trust that your partner will do what they committed to do.

 

[W2R]

I am really stumped as to how to proceed now, because it has hit me that I am effectively going to be subsidizing his student loans unless something changes.

Personally I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole. I made sure that I wouldn't, by making it clear to F on our first date that my money is mine, period, and he is not getting a dime of it (and vice versa) because neither of us can afford to start over at this age. He thought that was great, and that is part of why I knew I had found the right guy for me.

It is a relationship issue. You and your SO need to figure out how you are going to deal with it. Good luck on that.

 

[Ready-4-ER-at-14]

I also felt we started giving answers with out enough understanding and some of the answers could seem dispassionate to a person casually attempting early retirement even if offered sincerely with the Wisdom of Solomon.

One contemporary Guru who is "discredited" by many here had a statement that might apply here. paraphrasing him: Instead of making a statement that I can't afford something, ask the question how can I afford it?

If you truly love them figure it out. Ramsey says things like cut bills, get side income, work overtime. Sell expensive things like cars or possibly homes and rent or buy smaller more economical versions.

Anyhow just some food for thought that may or may not be right for anyone.

 

[haha]

We got married really young and by 30 my wife decided she wanted to “go dancing”. Eventually she asked me to move out, and moved in 2 boyfriends in my place.

She must be one helluva dancer!

Ha

 

[Nemo2]

She must be one helluva dancer!

Ha

Musical Interlude:

 

[carnivalday]

+1! It's not always about the money.

Thats true, its not. Until it is.

Apparently for our OP, it is an issue. Maybe he can sit down with his SO and work out a better deal for both of them. I do think its unfair to ask the SO to pay for the house and the furniture if he's not an owner of them. Maybe a rent number should be worked out, a number that the SO agrees he can do, along with paying off his other bills.

I know the OP says they have an expensive lifestyle of traveling, but they need to be realistic and maybe dial that back a bit in order to get some bills paid off. So much easier and less stressful doing fun things like traveling when theres not a stack of bills at home.

 

[karen1972]

You might want to pick up a book like: Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples by Warner, Ralph

It had a lot of good things to think about from both legal and personal perspective. It talks about creating a cohabitation agreement which may seem very formal for many people but you are not married or engaged and it can help really think about what "fair" is in splitting both chores and finances.

I've been with my SO for 10 years next month, we met when he was a financial mess. We were fairly clinical about it, we talked about how he was going to get out of debt, what was fair, what was expected and what we wanted out of our relationship. We are still not married, have a his/her/joint account and we now split things very differently than we did 4/8/10 years ago. However, we still don't own anything together other than the house, furniture, electronics, etc are all still bought via personal accounts and thus owned by 1 person unless its part of the house, then that comes out of the joint since we now own a house together. If we split, house would go on market, proceeds split, each take their own belongings.. DONE.

Not sure how you agreed on spending $15k and a little concerned you used the wording "need". It seems more like you like your lifestyle a lot which is fine but your boyfriend can't afford it at this time... so then you have to determine if that is a deal breaker. He may also be rethinking the whole, why did I agree to pay half on a house I don't have any stake in... as that seems like a terrible deal for him. I mean it may be less than his rent so that part may be a good deal but what happens if the furnace goes and you get a $5k bill, not sure I'd want to pay $2500 towards a furnace in a house I don't have any stake in... and he should keep renters insurance as you are not liable for damage of his stuff.

 

[kevdude]

Show him this thread.

 

[ivinsfan]

It is amusing.
Particularly since the Profile indicates otherwise:

About younginvestor2013
Gender
Male
State
Illinois

Well the advice is the same regardless of gender...

 

[MarieIG]

I can share a similar experience, and the outcome may provide comfort for the OP. My SO of approx 2 years moved into my house (about 12 years after I bought it). I was comfortably employed making approximately 2x his salary. I never expected him to cover half the home’s expenses, but he has made life in our house a home in many ways.

Like OP’s SO, my SO did not come from a family with financial discipline. Over time, I have, I think, given valuable lessons (most learned here) to my SO, and he has paid off his car (and not run out to buy a new one because he had ‘extra’ cash in his pocket), paid down his CC bills, added to his 401k, etc. This did not happen overnight, but I believe I’ve instilled in him the value of saving.

I don’t cook; he loves to cook. He loves food shopping (and pays for it). I detest it. I maintain virtually every mechanical system in the house; he cleans the house and mows the lawn and does the laundry. He pays the internet/cable/phone bill.

Eighteen years later, the mortgage is paid off (early). I retired (early) and my partner still cooks, shops, cleans, mows, and works. It works for us. At this point, I’m planning to add his name to the deed.

We travel several times a year, and I pay twice as much as he. Just because I have it. It’s normal for us and never causes even an inkling of an issue.

A relationship is many things, including arrangements as mundane as these. But in the end, only you can decide if these concessions/trade-offs/arrangements make you happy. A relationship is not always about money. If you gel together and see beyond his current student loan debt to a period when he can be/will be financially responsible and independent, then don’t end your relationship for these temporary conditions.

Very good post.

 

[MarieIG]

Personally I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole. I made sure that I wouldn't, by making it clear to F on our first date that my money is mine, period, and he is not getting a dime of it (and vice versa) because neither of us can afford to start over at this age. He thought that was great, and that is part of why I knew I had found the right guy for me.

It is a relationship issue. You and your SO need to figure out how you are going to deal with it. Good luck on that.

What is wanted in a relationship varies from person to person - and may change through the course of the same person's lifetime.

As a young person, I/we wanted a family unit and we both worked hard and built our financial portfolio together over the years. ( Not to say all smooth sailing.) I have been fortunate in my marriage, and can't imagine another partner should I become single in the future, so the below is hypothetical.

At my stage in life, no way would I combine finances with another partner and am set in my ways. Frankly (ha, ha, bad pun) I think your living situation is perfect in that it allows you space, control, privacy and companionship.

 

[caninelover]

I have a similar situation (live in SO in a house I purchased and own) but we discussed the finances carefully prior to his moving in. I bought the house knowing I could afford it on my own should anything happen to him, and I paid for initial furnishings myself after I closed on the home.

He pays me a monthly rent which is about what it costs to rent a small room in the area (not half my mortgage!) and we split shared expenses (which we discussed prior, and we review monthly with each other).

We are committed long term and I am fine with paying the bulk of the housing costs because it is my house, I can afford it, and he has alimony and college tuition expenses for his youngest (so less net income available compared to me). Over the past few years, as his rent is less than he was paying for an apartment, he has been able to grow his own savings and is more secure financially now, which makes me happy for him.

We've discussed my plans to RE and he may provide me with health insurance and up his contribution on the joint expenses as he will most likely continue to work a few years after I stop. So things can balance out over time - a true partnership, in my opinion, is not about 50-50 but is about supporting each other when and how each are best able to.

It was unrealistic for OP to expect the SO to pay for half of a house they don't own. It was also unrealistic for OP to expect SO to pay for 'wants' like new furniture and travel when SO has debt. SO disclosed the debt but OP stuck their head in the sand about it. This couple needs to sit down and prioritize - or realize they are not committed long term to each other, and go from there, even if it means splitting up.

In my opinion, if this were really OPs soul mate, then they would do everything possible to help pay off SO's debt, including paying for the house while SO focuses on extra payments on the debt. 5 years is not that long of a time to be frugal on travel and luxury expenses!

 

[haha]

He pays me a monthly rent which is about what it costs to rent a small room in the area (not half my mortgage!) and we split shared expenses (which we discussed prior, and we review monthly with each other).

We are committed long term and I am fine with paying the bulk of the housing costs because it is my house, I can afford it, and he has alimony and college tuition expenses for his youngest (so less net income available compared to me).

This is a feeling, life oriented approach. I really cannot understand the very ledger oriented approach that some have put forth.

Ha