Secret Money. Do you hide money from your spouse?

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRGALT2U I've always suspected that DW has her own instruction letter which covers what she would do upon my "Death or Incapacitation." Not sure. I sometimes wish I had a "taster" though. JG

OK, here's a "taste"...

[rmark]

Same wife, same kid, same pack of worthless cats for last 20 years. Our paychecks go into one accout, I write checks for the monthly bills and mutual funds, after that its all spendable. She balances the checkbook. I trust her with money, but not near a box of free kittens.

[justin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rmark Same wife, same kid, same pack of worthless cats for last 20 years. Our paychecks go into one accout, I write checks for the monthly bills and mutual funds, after that its all spendable. She balances the checkbook. I trust her with money, but not near a box of free kittens.

Can I have your wife's email address? I need to unload my pack of worthless cats onto some sucker caring, animal loving person.

[rmark]

We've finally gotten down to 2 cats (after assorted accidents and diseases), who absolutely despise each other - we're entertained by the occasional cat fight across our bed when they've run into each other by accident. I don't need more.

A few years ago we had the front door propped open for the cats to go in and out and a opossum walked and settled down to eat at the cat food bowl by the door. I guess he saw all those well fed cats and thought he would fit right in. My wife wanted to but it a collar and keep it.

[peggy]

There are two separate issues here--separate accounts and hiding money.

When DH and I first married, we tried a his/her/ours approach to checking accounts. All I can say is, it made sense at the time--NOT. Within a year or so, we combined it all into joint accounts.

That said, I've heard that many women especially want the "freedom" of a separate account--so they can spend it on whatever they please, without a spouse looking over their shoulder. If that works for them, then fine. It just didn't feel right to us.

Hiding money, OTOH--that's a sure sign that there's something wrong in the marriage (outside of short-term things like surprise presents; I can see that hiding money could be necessary in that instance).

I've shown DH where the binders and statements are that contain all of our financial information. He generally lets me handle it, though I consult him on most issues, and we have periodic chats about what to do next or where we are in relation to our goals.

[MJ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outtahere But there is a man I work with that has a secret bank account, the statement comes to the office and my assistant opened it by mistake. He admitted to me it was something his wife didn't know about

That admission was kinda stupid.
For my next witness, I would like to call Ms. Outtahere to the stand.

[SteveR]

I had some empoyees in the past that refused to go to Direct Deposit for their checks because they did not what the spouse to see how much money they made. A "live" check had to be cashed first so they could take out some $$ before making a deposit into checking or just keeping it all in cash.

If you hide money what else would you be willing to hide? How healthy is that for your long term relationship?

[BigMoneyJim]

I'm single and occasionally find a $20 bill stuffed away in a coat pocket.

I've heard more than one story from coworkers about the wife's secret credit card(s). One's wife ran up over $20k in secret credit, and when hubby found out he insisted she get a second job and pay it off in a given time frame. The whole thing sounded rather harsh, but so does running up $20k behind your spouse's back.

Another coworker strongly suspects a wife's secret credit card, but she makes more than he does so he doesn't worry too much about it. He also does a little plotting in how to avoid having too much money in the account lest his wife spend it.

I'm not picking on women here; I just happen to have almost exclusively male coworkers. I suspect my dad (parents are divorced) may have hidden money while shorting my mom $15k+ on back child support. My impression is that hiding money or debt is failry common.

[Enuff2Eat]

all,

thanks for all the exciting responses. I believe most of the case for "hiding" money is because one of the spouse is financially "illiterate" or have "spending out of control" syndrom. and hiding is the only solution to avoid constant talk about finance and spending. And occasionally bring a nice and surprise of "new found" money when the money is revealed.

enuff

[SteveR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enuff2Eat all, thanks for all the exciting responses.* I believe most of the case for "hiding" money is because one of the spouse is financially "illiterate" or have "spending out of control" syndrom. and hiding is the only solution to avoid constant talk about finance and spending. And occasionally bring a nice and surprise of "new found" money when the money is revealed. enuff

Maybe so, but my personal experience was a wife that had several hidden CC accounts that were maxed out. She had her own "hidden" funds that she used to pay only the minimum payments on them. It was quite a suprise during the divorce....even more so when the judge thought it should be my responsibility to pay them all off.

[justin]

I think my SIL "hides" money from her spouse. She opened a separate account that only she can access and keeps some money in there. But the reason is altruistic - she doesn't want her husband to spend all the money (they have three kids that have to eat!).

[greg]

What has happened over the past couple of years is that 'the money' has sort of migrated. DW funds her checking account, and I fund mine. Both are joint accounts. I also have my primary credit card, as does DW. DW uses her accounts to fund her activities, I use mine to service my primary activities. When the balances get too high, DW must rebalance to my account, but I don't have to rebalance to hers--unless an unexpected event arises. When my balance gets too high, I rebalance to a longer-term savings/brokerage/retirement account. Larger purchases are always discussed before hand and sometimes designated to a person. Most 'in common' spending comes out of my account--lately. Bank statements come in and we look if we're interested or worried about balances for upcoming purchases. This has all worked out pretty seamlessly, although we did have a few minor problems when we first married. But these were mostly communication problems.

When I lie to the DW, I try to keep them big so that they're worthwhile to me. For example, one lie that's worked very well is that I tell her I'm much, much smarter than her. This has worked out really well because it sometimes makes her smile as she walks away--sometimes. But it doesn't help the marriage much when I start believing it. Her areas of expertise are health care and just about anything pertaining to real life; mine are toilets and some other stuff.

[Outtahere]

SteveR, my dh went through the same thing with his exwife.

My coworker was/is having a midlife crisis of the most typical kind. *I know he doesn't hide the money from her because of her spending, she's quite resourceful when it comes to finding bargins and very frugal. *I thought for a long time it was a divorce fund, it might still be, in any event I would surely testify if needed.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apocalypse . . .um . . .SOON What has happened over the past couple of years is that 'the money' has sort of migrated.* DW funds her checking account, and I fund mine.* Both are joint accounts.* I also have my primary credit card, as does DW.*

Same here.

In our marriage, I move the money around and pay all the bills. Whoever wants to make the money-moving decisions also has to pay the bills. Either one of us is free to leave the marriage whenever we want, but whoever leaves first has to take the kid too. It'll be 20 years of togetherness next summer...

I know a guy who hid money from his wife. He used to take his small boat out fishing every weekend and sell the catch on the pier. (Oahu has a brisk pierside business in miscellaneous fish parts to its ethnic Chinese community.) After paying his gas expenses he'd average about $10/trip and he'd "hide" it in his checking account. That money added up over the next decade. At his Navy retirement ceremony he revealed the account's existence to his wife and presented its proceeds to her as two cruise tickets from Ensenada to their new home in San Diego...

[Jay_Gatsby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigMoneyJim I've heard more than one story from coworkers about the wife's secret credit card(s). One's wife ran up over $20k in secret credit, and when hubby found out he insisted she get a second job and pay it off in a given time frame. The whole thing sounded rather harsh, but so does running up $20k behind your spouse's back.

I don't believe it's harsh at all. *In fact, I think she got off easy. *I would have considered filing for divorce under those circumstances. *That degree of financial infidelity is no different than sexual infidelity.

[MRGALT2U]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jay_Gatsby *That degree of financial infidelity is no different than sexual infidelity.

You know, I never thought of it that way. I think I agree with this.

JG

[Adventuregirl]

Have a guy here at work that won't use direct deposit becuase he doesn't want his wife to know that he's still smoking....crazy but true...
Have* a woman here that has a secret bank account so she can save money to buy a house, when she has enough money to get it, she'll leave the husband (needs the hubby to support her so she can save the money to buy a house , then she can dump him)....again, crazy but true...
Adventuregirl

[Jay_Gatsby]

To follow up on my prior post, I wouldn't consider it "financial infidelity" if: (i) you tell your spouse that you have a personal credit card, and (ii) you have the means (that aren't already factored into the family finances) to pay it off every month.

I'm sure it is a well-known fact, but it bears repeating. Once you're married, one spouse's debts become debts of the marital couple.

[azanon]

Quote:

Secret Money. Do you hide money from your spouse?

No i do not. All of our finances are kept on quicken, right down to the last dollar. She's welcome to look at it anytime she likes.

However, that being said, she's so disinterested in it, that I could probably get away with even moderate expenditures if were to have, lets says, things that cost money that i didnt want her to know about. I have enough accounts that i could shuffle money around, and she would get lost in the details even if she were to spend a bit of time clicking around in qucken. That's not to say that i do that, but the option is on the table.

[yakers]

Our finances are fairly open. I give my wife a monthly sttement of our financial assets. There is a little padding but its in a joint account. One thing we do to keep our sanity is have "mad money" funds. We each get $100 a month each of us can spend on anything we like without consulting the other. We each have built up maybe $2k in such funds. It makes for good relations when I "need" a new kayak paddle that I don't have to discuss it or take it out of some other part of the budget.