supporting / subsidizing aging parents

[WM]

flipstress and honobob, thanks for the good ideas.

2B, my mom agrees with you exactly. After seeing her grandmother and now her mother go through years of dementia (non-alzheimer's, so thankfully no hostile behavior) she figures that's where she's eventually headed. My parents are great savers but if there's not much left she says it won't matter where she's at since she won't know the difference or recognize any of us anyway - go for medicaid. I see what she's saying, but like kaudrey, my sister and I would do anything we could for my parents so I doubt that we will follow those instructions. Even if she doesn't know what's going on, we will.

[2B]

The replies to my post are what I've gotten from everyone that is in control of their senses. No one wants their children to lose years off their life to take care of them. Of course, aged people lose control of their reasoning and "they are fine" even though you know they are not. My FIL (with Alzheimers') is ready to move home (up for sale) and take his wife (broken hip/confined to wheel chair or bed/ diapers) with him. They're fine in his mind.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2B I never want one of my own children to change my diaper.

Kids go through thousands of diapers before they successfully graduate from toilet training. I didn't help out with the breastfeeding so I picked up more than my share of those diapers.

With that perspective, we tell our kid that it's more than fair to expect her to change a few of ours.

I think she's going to leave home as soon as she graduates from high school-- and never come back!

[flipstress]

I have a friend who's in IT like me, but he started off with a psychology major and decided he didn't want to go for a master's or PH.D. in that field.

Anyway, one of his earlier jobs was at a nursing home, and he considered that the most meaningful job he had--helping those elderly folks, specifically changing their diapers! He was serious, too.

He was also a Headstart teacher in another job, and then he said he got tired of being always poor and broke and took computer classes to become a programmer.

[lazygood4nothinbum]

while mom lived impeccably clean in life, during alzheimer's she became afraid of water. we were pretty creative in keeping her clean. on weekends i'd take her swimming and help her shower with her bathing suit on & wash her hair. during the week we had help in the house who would lead her to the shower. but she became clever and she'd wet the shower, wet the towel, but not get wet herself.

at one point she developed a problem under her breasts and fortunately my sister-in-law helped with that because if i had to put cream on my mother's breasts i wouldn't have been able to have sex again for about another five lifetimes. also fortunate for us mom did not become incontinent until 2 years before death. by then we had her safe in an alzheimer's unit.

i don't see this as a matter of giving up part of your life for your parents. i see this as a gain, as part of life.

while we were going through alzheimer's, a family south of us was undergoing the same thing only their solution was to leave their mother in her wheelchair at the dogtrack where i couldn't even imagine abandoning a dog.

just because we didn't even rely only on mom's paid-up insurance right away but used hers & our own resources to maintain mom's standard of good living for as long as we could, just because we didn't rely on the state from the word go, who am i to say anyone should do whatever they can to at least try to maintain their own for as long as they can. i realize not everyone can do this & i have no problem paying my taxes so that our community will come to their mother's rescue.

[brewer12345]

I feel an obligation to help parents and in-laws in need, so I would be writing checks, etc. if it came to that. As it is, I already manage portfolios for MIL, FIL, my parents, and I am the executor of my parents' will (although they have been forewarned I will not pull the plug). I'm not worried about MIL, since she has a pension from the state taht is easily worth $1.5MM, plus a debt free home and a low 6 figure IRA. My parents should also be fine, snce they have oodles of assets. The big question mark is FIL, who has never been a big earner. He is pretty frugal, has a younger wife who works, and they stand to get a significant inheritance from her parents, so I suspect he will be OK.

[Martha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flipstress I have a friend who's in IT like me, but he started off with a psychology major and decided he didn't want to go for a master's or PH.D. in that field. Anyway, one of his earlier jobs was at a nursing home, and he considered that the most meaningful job he had--helping those elderly folks, specifically changing their diapers! He was serious, too. He was also a Headstart teacher in another job, and then he said he got tired of being always poor and broke and took computer classes to become a programmer.

My niece recently got a job in a nursing home/assisted living facility and she feels like your friend feels. She enjoys helping care for the old people, including cleaning up and changing them. There sure is a need for people working in that field and will be for years to come.

My parents and inlaws are all dead. Wish they were around. I would have loved to have any of them stay with us and be cared for by us. When I was a kid my dad had a lot of health problems. His kids helped as needed. I mentioned once learning how to drive at 14 so I could drive my father and do the family errands. We had a number of harrowing drives down country roads to the hospital to get his heart shocked back into rhythm.

I have a brother who is disabled with autism. He lived with Greg and I for a while years ago. It did not work out well at all and was very stressful. He now lives independently, in subsidized housing. One of my former partners has a son who is disabled with schizophrenia. Very very difficult. He has had his own harrowing car trips to rescue his son from one jam or another. With state hospitals out of the picture and no good long term care solutions for the mentally ill, the future for his son does not look good.

[Brat]

I have a sister with the same problem as your former partner. She drives daily ~150 miles RT to make sure he takes his meds. The impact on her own mental health is huge. She is now in her mid-60s. I don't see how she can keep that up long term.

[2B]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 I feel an obligation to help parents and in-laws in need, so I would be writing checks, etc. if it came to that. As it is, I already manage portfolios for MIL, FIL, my parents, and I am the executor of my parents' will (although they have been forewarned I will not pull the plug). I'm not worried about MIL, since she has a pension from the state taht is easily worth $1.5MM, plus a debt free home and a low 6 figure IRA. My parents should also be fine, snce they have oodles of assets. The big question mark is FIL, who has never been a big earner. He is pretty frugal, has a younger wife who works, and they stand to get a significant inheritance from her parents, so I suspect he will be OK.

It's not all about money or achieving a feeling of "meaningful" bliss. The reality is that elder care will go 24-7 on you real fast. DW (and a little me since I got to leave to w**k) tried taking care of her father in the early Alzheimers' mode. He was (and still is) fully mobil and thinks he can still drive so watch the keys to anything and keep an sharp ear for the door opening. He wanted to go to his usual places but where he volunteered didn't want him there because of his condition. He really wasn't able to contribute and they didn't have people to watch him although I thought that could have worked out well.

We weren't changing diapers. We were essentially watching the mental equivalent of a 7 year old that thought he could drive. I can't really point to any one thing that made it so stressful but we couldn't ever relax or let down our guard. It was next to impossible to get anything done.

We lasted about six weeks and realized we were going to die long before he was. He's now in assisted living where he can putter aimlessly with 20 or so people taking turns watching him. There's also well over 100 people to listen to his stories. We visit and it's a lot more pleasant.

I'm glad they have the money to afford a decent place. Would DW and I be chipping in if they were broke? I'm pretty sure we would but the quality of the facility might suffer a little. It's a little easier to look at their assets and say they have enough for 10 to 15 years versus I'll be working another 10 to 15 years to support them in a high cost facility. Their place is definitely in the upper quartile as far as the Houston facilities are concerned.

My FIL and MIL are in the same facility so he's happier being able to putter into the skilled nursing area to visit her. In their conditions, they are not real cognizant of what's really happening and remember very little of what they were told minutes earlier. Overall, being together, interacting with others and having a stable routine is probably better for them then being "home cared."