The big ticket wedding...

[rayinpenn]

The wife and I had maybe 50 people at our wedding, the reception was at a restaurant. Very modest.I was 36 she 33.
-Happily married 25 years this week. How many crazy over the top weddings did I go to? For many it as the start of a life of debt and over spending! My buddy paid for it then his daughter asked for help with the furniture...she was making more then her father.. 2 years later the son in law buys himself a brand new Harley! So wrong on so many levels...

Daughter is 20 - looking a couple years down the road (the Mrs. and I paid for college fully I consider that a big deal)

My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...)

What it means ..
No coming out of the smoking floor
No 15 piece band
No $5000 dress
No other insanity...

Yes I know it is imposing my will... Am I crazy? Before you say anything harsh ...how long does it take to save $100k? How about $40k? Don't get hung up on the amounts. It is the concept I am talking about.
And yeah I saw father of the bride... Spenser Tracy wasn't it?

Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum.

 

[brett]

Could not agree more.

Our daughter had a choice. Very small wedding and a nice cheque or bigger wedding w/ no cheque. She took the former.

The apple does not fall far from the tree. Besides, they had been living together for several years.

 

[2017ish]

It's your money. she has no claim to it, so you can do what you like--subject, of course, to not wanting to cause too much family friction.

I don't know if I'd make the sums different. Instead, "I have 20,000 for your wedding; if you don't use it all, the remainder is a gift." (Sorry, I had a hard time even typing 20K!) My F.I.L. did something similar, with far smaller numbers, for his daughters back in the day.

N.B.--we have no daughter; but have been trying to dissuade S3 and his fiancee from doing an expensive destination wedding that they are planning to mostly pay for themselves. We just see it as a waste of money....

 

[Danmar]

Really up to you with input from your daughter. I believe big weddings are a waste of money, but my daughter always wanted one and I promised her I would pay for it. Now all done. Was a wonderful wedding but all in was well into 6 figures. We can certainly afford this and I offered her the cash instead which she refused. I understand she received maybe $40k in gifts. Glad it's over. Very happy daughter. Don't be pressured into doing something you can't afford or don't agree with.

 

[stephenson]

I've been to several (probably 8) weddings in last the last ten years ...all spent 50k and up (I knew the parents). All of the brides and grooms had lived together for several months to several years.

Of the several, one couple is still married.

Many children, especially female children, have childish, magical ideas about weddings ...but, many parents have been setting them up for this by treating them as so special during their childhoods that a non-special wedding would be inconsistent with all they had been taught and had experienced.

As adults our job is to set standards of behavior ...start early and be consistent. It isn't about your female child being happy ..it's about her being ready for the world, educated, and level headed...so she can pass this on to her children.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Danmar]

Many children, especially female children, have childish, magical ideas about weddings ...but, many parents have been setting them up for this by treating them as so special during their childhoods that a non-special wedding would be inconsistent with all they had been taught and had experienced.

As adults our job is to set standards of behavior ...start early and be consistent. It isn't about your female child being happy ..it's about her being ready for the world, educated, and level headed...so she can pass this on to her children.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

Certainly agree with this. But paying for an expensive wedding doesn't automatically produce spoiled, maladjusted daughters. On the contrary my daughter is a hard working, very well adjusted, well educated, intelligent young woman. She married a great guy. Having said that, who knows if their marriage will be successful.

Agree that expensive weddings are a waste of money, but I promised.

 

[Bamaman]

My niece had a huge wedding that was one of her city's "weddings of the year." I'm talking about 10 attendants and 10 groomsmen. They had a great band in a huge tennis complex, and no one could even get through the door because of the crowds.

And the University of Virginia/Vanderbilt educated groom ended up being the Husband from Hell. Although he was from a really "good family", he hasn't paid one cent of child support for 2 kids in years.

With a marriage failure rate of 50% approximately, dropping $50K-$75K on a wedding is a quite poor investment--no matter how much money the families have.

And my brother in law is pushing 70 years old and still working--to take care of his daughter and family. No thanks!

 

[NW-Bound]

We have had 3 nieces getting married in the past 18 months, and my daughter wedding is coming up. The costs are from $20K to $25K as my best guess (for 75 to 100 guests), and they are all nice. Much of the wedding cost is recovered from relative guests who give cash gifts. Everybody has a good time, and in fact would feel insulted if not invited.

As always, YMMV.

 

[ivinsfan]

This is monetary blackmail with the 40/100K example. Your daughter will have a DH to be and he will have a family as well. You want your daughter to have to choose between what you want and what she and the groom and his family might want for a dollar figure? Well, they say everyone has their price.

Since you fully paid for her college, pick a number that would cover the cost of a smaller, classy wedding, give her the amount and then let them do what they want for THEIR wedding. In my opinion doing it any other way is not very classy. Presumably people wait until they are grownup to get married and should be able to do it their way. Some couples want a band and an expensive dress....
Talking about control freaks, I have a family member (Mother of 2 grooms) who thought she should have input over everything from bridesmaid dresses, to flowers, to you name it.The brides had ideas of their own and after the reception this relative went to the venue with the number of people from their side that had attended and wrote a check for only that amount straight to the caterer.Not one penny straight to the couple because, the Mom didn't have enough "input" on the wedding. Her and DIL number one have a very tense relationship and I don't see it every improving..

 

[NW-Bound]

My sister gave her daughters some money and let them spend the money how they wish: all on a wedding or a smaller one and save the rest. They had total control on their wedding details. As described earlier, the weddings turned out nice enough, and they had plenty of money back from cash gifts. I don't know how much the weddings actually cost.

We are doing the same with our daughter, and let they decide on all the details. We only help when they ask, such as choosing the wines (and I offered to buy it for them ).

 

[Danmar]

And the University of Virginia/Vanderbilt educated groom ended up being the Husband from Hell. Although he was from a really "good family", he hasn't paid one cent of child support for 2 kids in years.

With a marriage failure rate of 50% approximately, dropping $50K-$75K on a wedding is a quite poor investment--no matter how much money the families have.

Agree weddings are a waste of money (certainly not an "investment") but do you think the big wedding made the guy a jerk? The wedding and the success or failure of the marriage would seem to be independent of each other? Or perhaps the problem was with the bride for insisting on both an outrageous wedding and picking "the jerk".

I suspect any issues in this case may have pre-existed the wedding?

 

[Bestwifeever]

Everyone should do what he wants re weddings, cars, college expenses, whatever--every family is different and no one can say what other families should do, only what works for their own families.

It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.

 

[ERD50]

...

My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...) ....

You are imposing your will on them. Expect that to breed some resentment. Is that what you want?

We can agree that going into debt for a wedding isn't a smart move, but I think that is best taught, not bought.

I think that what we did for DD this past year worked out well. She had a pretty good idea of what she wanted (fairly large, formal wedding reception), but shopped around, did much of the prep herself (her sis and Mom helped, they even got me in on it). Once we saw what she wanted to do, and saw that it wasn't crazy extravagant, we offered to pay an amount that pretty much covered the reception (the space, bar, dinner, etc), she had already put down the deposit. In this way, they weren't burdened too much financially, and we didn't get involved in influencing what she did or did not want to do, or any inferences that such-and-such was a waste, or 'gee, we really would like you to do 'X", since we are paying for it'. And no 'gee Mom and Dad, will you pay for Y, I really want it!', from her. The decisions were all hers. No manipulation on either side. If she wanted Y, it came out of her pocket.

It went well, no stress over anything financial. She's pretty frugal as well.

-ERD50

PS - though I would have gladly paid for a band, in place of a friggin' 'DJ' with their non-stop, terribly distorted sound systems that hurt my ears! But that's what they wanted. In retro, I should have interviewed the DJ, so I could have pointed out to DD just how distorted the sound was. I was shocked that no one but me and a few friends actually care how bad a DJ sounds. They can't hear 25% distortion? It doesn't make them want to run out of the room with their ears covered? I'm not talking subtle hi-fidelity, fine points, I'm talking ear-splitting bad distortion. Arghhhh!

 

[mrfeh]

The fact that folks in this thread are suggesting $20-40K weddings are acceptable shows just how skewed this issue has become.

 

[Hermit]

My sister gave her daughters some money and let them spend the money how they wish: all on a wedding or a smaller one and save the rest. They had total control on their wedding details. As described earlier, the weddings turned out nice enough, and they had plenty of money back from cash gifts. I don't know how much the weddings actually cost.

We are doing the same with our daughter, and let they decide on all the details. We only help when they ask, such as choosing the wines (and I offered to buy it for them ).

+1.

In the steps of my late DW, DD has coordinated two weddings this summer. They were both very nice. One was high dollar and one low dollar. She does stage setup and lighting professionally and does an awesome job of event planning and coordination including charitable galas. I will give her an appropriate sum which she can spend or save as she wishes. I'm sure her wedding, if and when that time comes, will be just what she wants.

 

[Danmar]

Everyone should do what he wants re weddings, cars, college expenses, whatever--every family is different and no one can say what other families should do, only what works for their own families.

It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.

Excellent post. Early communication is key. Usually is.

 

[athena53]

Good timing- my niece just posted a zillion pictures of her wedding last May on FaceBook. She's a princess- always has been, but she works very hard to get things for herself. She changed jobs several times and was making $100K before age 30, and bought a condo with a gorgeous view of the Atlanta skyline several years ago.

The wedding was spectacular and so was the reception in the Biltmore Ballroom. I have no idea who contributed what (groom also has a good job and my brother, the father of the bride, is a partner with a large CPA firm). It probably was a $50K wedding but it was beautiful and I'm so glad DH and I were there. In their cases, I can't get crazy about what they spent. I don't think any home equity loans or maxed-out credit cards were involved.

I do agree that wedding spending can be blown out of proportion. If you don't have a house, you're burdened with student loan debt, you've got huge payments on your SUV, etc. you may need to scale back instead of making a one-day even a major financial priority.

 

[NW-Bound]

...It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.

When my daughter first talked about wedding, they were thinking of running off to Las Vegas and having just a party for the immediate family. I guess we did not communicate with them enough in advance that we wanted to invite the more extended family, and also for them to be able to include their close friends.

It turned out that they were concerned with the cost (though they are both professionals and make decent income), and once we explained to them that we would fund a large portion of the wedding because the guests are more ours than theirs, they warmed up to the idea and have been having fun planning it.

We did not want to give them a blank check, just a fixed sum, and let them plan with that. At this point, I do not know how much their total cost is, but am sure that they will have a nice amount of money from the cash gifts. If they eloped and did not invite the extended family, they would miss out on the cash gifts from their uncles and aunts, great uncles and aunts, cousins, etc... Our relatives are all happy to come, just as we were happy to attend the weddings of our nieces and had a great time.

 

[Katsmeow]

My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...)

Well, you can do whatever you want to but I personally would have 2 issues with that. You are trying to control the decision by giving $100k in one situation versus $40k in the other. That could breed resentment and shows an inclination to control someone through money.

That does not, however, mean that I think you have to pay for an extremely expensive wedding. It is your money. You can spend however much you want to spend. It isn't up to your children. It is up to you and your spouse. Decide how much you want to give totally between wedding and wedding gift and offer that much. If it is $40k then your daughter (or son) could spend all of it or none of it on the wedding itself. Same for $100k. That way you spend what you want, but you aren't trying to control your adult child's decision by varying the amount depending on what they do.

Second issue I personally would have with this is that there is no way I would give my child $100k as a wedding gift, nor would I pay $40k for a wedding. Yes, an expensive wedding is nice to attend and may be a good memory but I just personally think it is a waste of money (I got married in my 30s and DH and I chose to get married at very low cost in Las Vegas).

There is no way that I would give $20k, let alone $40k. But, that's how I feel and I recognize others may feel differently.

 

[ESRwannabe]

I really know nothing about wedding costs, but I googled it the other day and the average is $30k... wow.

I don't know if other people consider that normal. Maybe I am just a tight wad.

My brother has a wedding coming up and I'm guessing it costs around $50k based on second hand info from my parents.

Anyway, how much money should I give them as a wedding gift? I was thinking $500 in cash and then also buy them a few gifts.

 

[Danmar]

Anyway, how much money should I give them as a wedding gift? I was thinking $500 in cash and then also buy them a few gifts.

I think that would be quite reasonable and generous. The gifts at my daughter's recent wedding averaged around that I think. Singles and younger people a little less.

 

[rodi]

Everyone should do what he wants re weddings, cars, college expenses, whatever--every family is different and no one can say what other families should do, only what works for their own families.

It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.

Excellent post.

I'd add that one of the things that can kick the cost of a wedding up is guest list. My dad offered my sister a fixed amount towards the wedding costs. The problem came when my mom wanted to add a bunch of her friends (friends of my mom's, strangers to my sister) to the guest list - but didn't want to up the contribution. That made for some challenging discussions. My mom ended up pairing back her guest list additions to people who actually knew my sister and my dad loosened the purse string a touch. Based on that experience I chose to have a microscopically small wedding and made it clear from the get go that it was family and a very few very close friends only. No friction because expectations were set from the beginning.

I have sons, but have set aside some funds for wedding costs - if they aren't needed, they can be a gift to the couple.

 

[jkern]

The fact that folks in this thread are suggesting $20-40K weddings are acceptable shows just how skewed this issue has become.

I agree that weddings are a waste of money. However, if you are going to have a mid-tier wedding, $20k to $40k is the norm.

 

[Dog]

Wow...I definitely travel in a different crowd. I can't even imagine a wedding in the six figures!

Originally DH and I were in the camp of offering a defined $ amount and letting DD decide if she wanted to spend on a wedding or save/invest/?.

However, DD just married her partner in August. They already had a civil union and were just waiting to be married legally. DD is 32 and DIL is 28 and they bought (buying) a townhome outside of Portland.

DD sent me their projected budget earlier this year and DH and I agreed we would help (although would have preferred they use the $ for something more practical). I knew the first swag at the budget was optimistically unrealistic, but these girls still managed a very nice wedding for less than $20k. They were very creative in keeping costs low but still having their dream wedding. I had the pleasure of shopping for the cut flowers (wholesale flower market in Portland) and MIL and I creating our DD's bouquets. We also created the bridesmaids bouquets and other floral decorations for the wedding and reception (how we spent the early morning hours the day of the wedding). Their friends donated their talents in hair styling, makeup, decorations, singing, etcetera. They selected and we helped pay for a nice wedding venue, DJ, photographer and caterer. DH and I picked up the alcohol and set up the bar and helped in many other ways as did the other parents (including clean up after the reception). DIL is Native American so her father did a smudging and a ceremonial blanket presentation that was part of the ceremony. I provided an Irish wedding blessing that I discovered during DD and my trip to Ireland in June. The officiant knew them personally and added many poignant details throughout the ceremony. Remember, we are talking about Portland, Oregon so different is good
I was a bit skeptical at first, but was pleasantly surprised at the warmth and love demonstrated throughout the wedding and reception. Everyone felt included in the event (100+). 95% traveled from out of state to attend.
Many friends and family commented on what a great time they had and how they loved the ceremony.
We probably paid for 40%, in-laws 40% and the girls probably paid for 10%. Both girls had their dresses designed and made in a small shop in Portland. They were individualized to their personalities and beautiful (and much less $ than they could find at bridal stores). Parents were included in the final fitting with linch at a local winery following. (DD dress, shoes, undergarments and earrings were under $1k).

We went down 4 days early to help and it was definitely a lot of work, but
being that involved in the decorating, setup and cleanup brought us closer to DD's in-laws and the girls. I have all good memories! So proud of them.

As others have said, "YMMV".




Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Danmar]

@Dog. Sounds lovely. Congratulations. It certainly can be done for a fairly reasonable cost, as you have shown.