Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
The big ticket wedding...
Old 10-07-2015, 06:17 AM   #1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 1,050
The big ticket wedding...

The wife and I had maybe 50 people at our wedding, the reception was at a restaurant. Very modest.I was 36 she 33.
-Happily married 25 years this week. How many crazy over the top weddings did I go to? For many it as the start of a life of debt and over spending! My buddy paid for it then his daughter asked for help with the furniture...she was making more then her father.. 2 years later the son in law buys himself a brand new Harley! So wrong on so many levels...

Daughter is 20 - looking a couple years down the road (the Mrs. and I paid for college fully I consider that a big deal)

My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...)

What it means ..
No coming out of the smoking floor
No 15 piece band
No $5000 dress
No other insanity...

Yes I know it is imposing my will... Am I crazy? Before you say anything harsh ...how long does it take to save $100k? How about $40k? Don't get hung up on the amounts. It is the concept I am talking about.
And yeah I saw father of the bride... Spenser Tracy wasn't it?

Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum.
__________________

__________________
rayinpenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 10-07-2015, 07:21 AM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,694
Could not agree more.

Our daughter had a choice. Very small wedding and a nice cheque or bigger wedding w/ no cheque. She took the former.

The apple does not fall far from the tree. Besides, they had been living together for several years.
__________________

__________________
brett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 07:27 AM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
2017ish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,848
It's your money. she has no claim to it, so you can do what you like--subject, of course, to not wanting to cause too much family friction.

I don't know if I'd make the sums different. Instead, "I have 20,000 for your wedding; if you don't use it all, the remainder is a gift." (Sorry, I had a hard time even typing 20K!) My F.I.L. did something similar, with far smaller numbers, for his daughters back in the day.

N.B.--we have no daughter; but have been trying to dissuade S3 and his fiancee from doing an expensive destination wedding that they are planning to mostly pay for themselves. We just see it as a waste of money....
__________________
OMY * 3 2ish Done 7.28.17
2017ish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 08:24 AM   #4
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Alberta/Ontario/ Arizona
Posts: 3,160
Really up to you with input from your daughter. I believe big weddings are a waste of money, but my daughter always wanted one and I promised her I would pay for it. Now all done. Was a wonderful wedding but all in was well into 6 figures. We can certainly afford this and I offered her the cash instead which she refused. I understand she received maybe $40k in gifts. Glad it's over. Very happy daughter. Don't be pressured into doing something you can't afford or don't agree with.
__________________
Danmar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 08:35 AM   #5
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 296
I've been to several (probably 8) weddings in last the last ten years ...all spent 50k and up (I knew the parents). All of the brides and grooms had lived together for several months to several years.

Of the several, one couple is still married.

Many children, especially female children, have childish, magical ideas about weddings ...but, many parents have been setting them up for this by treating them as so special during their childhoods that a non-special wedding would be inconsistent with all they had been taught and had experienced.

As adults our job is to set standards of behavior ...start early and be consistent. It isn't about your female child being happy ..it's about her being ready for the world, educated, and level headed...so she can pass this on to her children.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum
__________________
stephenson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 08:45 AM   #6
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Alberta/Ontario/ Arizona
Posts: 3,160
Quote:
Originally Posted by stephenson View Post

Many children, especially female children, have childish, magical ideas about weddings ...but, many parents have been setting them up for this by treating them as so special during their childhoods that a non-special wedding would be inconsistent with all they had been taught and had experienced.

As adults our job is to set standards of behavior ...start early and be consistent. It isn't about your female child being happy ..it's about her being ready for the world, educated, and level headed...so she can pass this on to her children.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum
Certainly agree with this. But paying for an expensive wedding doesn't automatically produce spoiled, maladjusted daughters. On the contrary my daughter is a hard working, very well adjusted, well educated, intelligent young woman. She married a great guy. Having said that, who knows if their marriage will be successful.

Agree that expensive weddings are a waste of money, but I promised.
__________________
Danmar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 08:47 AM   #7
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Florence, AL/Helen, GA
Posts: 2,093
My niece had a huge wedding that was one of her city's "weddings of the year." I'm talking about 10 attendants and 10 groomsmen. They had a great band in a huge tennis complex, and no one could even get through the door because of the crowds.

And the University of Virginia/Vanderbilt educated groom ended up being the Husband from Hell. Although he was from a really "good family", he hasn't paid one cent of child support for 2 kids in years.

With a marriage failure rate of 50% approximately, dropping $50K-$75K on a wedding is a quite poor investment--no matter how much money the families have.

And my brother in law is pushing 70 years old and still working--to take care of his daughter and family. No thanks!
__________________
Bamaman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 08:47 AM   #8
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,453
We have had 3 nieces getting married in the past 18 months, and my daughter wedding is coming up. The costs are from $20K to $25K as my best guess (for 75 to 100 guests), and they are all nice. Much of the wedding cost is recovered from relative guests who give cash gifts. Everybody has a good time, and in fact would feel insulted if not invited.

As always, YMMV.
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 08:53 AM   #9
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
ivinsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,201
This is monetary blackmail with the 40/100K example. Your daughter will have a DH to be and he will have a family as well. You want your daughter to have to choose between what you want and what she and the groom and his family might want for a dollar figure? Well, they say everyone has their price.

Since you fully paid for her college, pick a number that would cover the cost of a smaller, classy wedding, give her the amount and then let them do what they want for THEIR wedding. In my opinion doing it any other way is not very classy. Presumably people wait until they are grownup to get married and should be able to do it their way. Some couples want a band and an expensive dress....
Talking about control freaks, I have a family member (Mother of 2 grooms) who thought she should have input over everything from bridesmaid dresses, to flowers, to you name it.The brides had ideas of their own and after the reception this relative went to the venue with the number of people from their side that had attended and wrote a check for only that amount straight to the caterer.Not one penny straight to the couple because, the Mom didn't have enough "input" on the wedding. Her and DIL number one have a very tense relationship and I don't see it every improving..
__________________
ivinsfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:04 AM   #10
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,453
My sister gave her daughters some money and let them spend the money how they wish: all on a wedding or a smaller one and save the rest. They had total control on their wedding details. As described earlier, the weddings turned out nice enough, and they had plenty of money back from cash gifts. I don't know how much the weddings actually cost.

We are doing the same with our daughter, and let they decide on all the details. We only help when they ask, such as choosing the wines (and I offered to buy it for them ).
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:06 AM   #11
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Alberta/Ontario/ Arizona
Posts: 3,160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bamaman View Post
And the University of Virginia/Vanderbilt educated groom ended up being the Husband from Hell. Although he was from a really "good family", he hasn't paid one cent of child support for 2 kids in years.

With a marriage failure rate of 50% approximately, dropping $50K-$75K on a wedding is a quite poor investment--no matter how much money the families have.
Agree weddings are a waste of money (certainly not an "investment") but do you think the big wedding made the guy a jerk? The wedding and the success or failure of the marriage would seem to be independent of each other? Or perhaps the problem was with the bride for insisting on both an outrageous wedding and picking "the jerk".

I suspect any issues in this case may have pre-existed the wedding?
__________________
Danmar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:20 AM   #12
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 16,375
Everyone should do what he wants re weddings, cars, college expenses, whatever--every family is different and no one can say what other families should do, only what works for their own families.

It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Bestwifeever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:26 AM   #13
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 18,300
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayinpenn View Post
...

My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...) ....
You are imposing your will on them. Expect that to breed some resentment. Is that what you want?

We can agree that going into debt for a wedding isn't a smart move, but I think that is best taught, not bought.

I think that what we did for DD this past year worked out well. She had a pretty good idea of what she wanted (fairly large, formal wedding reception), but shopped around, did much of the prep herself (her sis and Mom helped, they even got me in on it). Once we saw what she wanted to do, and saw that it wasn't crazy extravagant, we offered to pay an amount that pretty much covered the reception (the space, bar, dinner, etc), she had already put down the deposit. In this way, they weren't burdened too much financially, and we didn't get involved in influencing what she did or did not want to do, or any inferences that such-and-such was a waste, or 'gee, we really would like you to do 'X", since we are paying for it'. And no 'gee Mom and Dad, will you pay for Y, I really want it!', from her. The decisions were all hers. No manipulation on either side. If she wanted Y, it came out of her pocket.

It went well, no stress over anything financial. She's pretty frugal as well.

-ERD50

PS - though I would have gladly paid for a band, in place of a friggin' 'DJ' with their non-stop, terribly distorted sound systems that hurt my ears! But that's what they wanted. In retro, I should have interviewed the DJ, so I could have pointed out to DD just how distorted the sound was. I was shocked that no one but me and a few friends actually care how bad a DJ sounds. They can't hear 25% distortion? It doesn't make them want to run out of the room with their ears covered? I'm not talking subtle hi-fidelity, fine points, I'm talking ear-splitting bad distortion. Arghhhh!
__________________
ERD50 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:27 AM   #14
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 390
The fact that folks in this thread are suggesting $20-40K weddings are acceptable shows just how skewed this issue has become.
__________________
mrfeh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:43 AM   #15
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Colorado Mountains
Posts: 2,150
Quote:
Originally Posted by NW-Bound View Post
My sister gave her daughters some money and let them spend the money how they wish: all on a wedding or a smaller one and save the rest. They had total control on their wedding details. As described earlier, the weddings turned out nice enough, and they had plenty of money back from cash gifts. I don't know how much the weddings actually cost.

We are doing the same with our daughter, and let they decide on all the details. We only help when they ask, such as choosing the wines (and I offered to buy it for them ).
+1.

In the steps of my late DW, DD has coordinated two weddings this summer. They were both very nice. One was high dollar and one low dollar. She does stage setup and lighting professionally and does an awesome job of event planning and coordination including charitable galas. I will give her an appropriate sum which she can spend or save as she wishes. I'm sure her wedding, if and when that time comes, will be just what she wants.
__________________
Hermit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 09:53 AM   #16
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Alberta/Ontario/ Arizona
Posts: 3,160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
Everyone should do what he wants re weddings, cars, college expenses, whatever--every family is different and no one can say what other families should do, only what works for their own families.

It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.
Excellent post. Early communication is key. Usually is.
__________________
Danmar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 10:11 AM   #17
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3,011
Good timing- my niece just posted a zillion pictures of her wedding last May on FaceBook. She's a princess- always has been, but she works very hard to get things for herself. She changed jobs several times and was making $100K before age 30, and bought a condo with a gorgeous view of the Atlanta skyline several years ago.

The wedding was spectacular and so was the reception in the Biltmore Ballroom. I have no idea who contributed what (groom also has a good job and my brother, the father of the bride, is a partner with a large CPA firm). It probably was a $50K wedding but it was beautiful and I'm so glad DH and I were there. In their cases, I can't get crazy about what they spent. I don't think any home equity loans or maxed-out credit cards were involved.

I do agree that wedding spending can be blown out of proportion. If you don't have a house, you're burdened with student loan debt, you've got huge payments on your SUV, etc. you may need to scale back instead of making a one-day even a major financial priority.
__________________
athena53 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 10:13 AM   #18
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,453
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
...It would however prevent any sad surprises to let the kids in on the projected decision as early as possible--like, when they are middle school, start telling them, "in our family we pay only for instate tuition" and repeat. Same with weddings before dating starts (so the kid doesn't think the decision is tied to a particular girl or boy). You can always kick in something later.
When my daughter first talked about wedding, they were thinking of running off to Las Vegas and having just a party for the immediate family. I guess we did not communicate with them enough in advance that we wanted to invite the more extended family, and also for them to be able to include their close friends.

It turned out that they were concerned with the cost (though they are both professionals and make decent income), and once we explained to them that we would fund a large portion of the wedding because the guests are more ours than theirs, they warmed up to the idea and have been having fun planning it.

We did not want to give them a blank check, just a fixed sum, and let them plan with that. At this point, I do not know how much their total cost is, but am sure that they will have a nice amount of money from the cash gifts. If they eloped and did not invite the extended family, they would miss out on the cash gifts from their uncles and aunts, great uncles and aunts, cousins, etc... Our relatives are all happy to come, just as we were happy to attend the weddings of our nieces and had a great time.
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 11:13 AM   #19
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Katsmeow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,400
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayinpenn View Post
My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...)
Well, you can do whatever you want to but I personally would have 2 issues with that. You are trying to control the decision by giving $100k in one situation versus $40k in the other. That could breed resentment and shows an inclination to control someone through money.

That does not, however, mean that I think you have to pay for an extremely expensive wedding. It is your money. You can spend however much you want to spend. It isn't up to your children. It is up to you and your spouse. Decide how much you want to give totally between wedding and wedding gift and offer that much. If it is $40k then your daughter (or son) could spend all of it or none of it on the wedding itself. Same for $100k. That way you spend what you want, but you aren't trying to control your adult child's decision by varying the amount depending on what they do.

Second issue I personally would have with this is that there is no way I would give my child $100k as a wedding gift, nor would I pay $40k for a wedding. Yes, an expensive wedding is nice to attend and may be a good memory but I just personally think it is a waste of money (I got married in my 30s and DH and I chose to get married at very low cost in Las Vegas).

There is no way that I would give $20k, let alone $40k. But, that's how I feel and I recognize others may feel differently.
__________________
Katsmeow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2015, 11:28 AM   #20
Full time employment: Posting here.
ESRwannabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 630
I really know nothing about wedding costs, but I googled it the other day and the average is $30k... wow.

I don't know if other people consider that normal. Maybe I am just a tight wad.

My brother has a wedding coming up and I'm guessing it costs around $50k based on second hand info from my parents.

Anyway, how much money should I give them as a wedding gift? I was thinking $500 in cash and then also buy them a few gifts.
__________________

__________________
ESRwannabe is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Negotiating big ticket purchases without creating an enemy Midpack Other topics 11 01-12-2015 02:47 PM
Big Ticket Item after Retiring??? reubenray FIRE and Money 3 01-26-2013 07:58 AM
Big Losses and Big Lessons Rich_by_the_Bay Health and Early Retirement 41 07-31-2008 02:51 PM
Big Dan Wants Big Money!! FinanceDude Other topics 0 09-19-2007 03:19 PM
"BIG 4-0"BIG 5-0"huh? Donzo Other topics 56 08-05-2006 07:45 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 01:07 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.