What would you do? MIL issue

[Z3Dreamer]

A family member got a sweetheart deal on a car coming from the settling of personal property in an estate. Value exceeded what others in this equal distribution received. Years later, claimed that they were cheated because that was a "depreciating asset".

Point being, some people will always shame you into helping them. If your MIL is one of this type, her only way of receiving future help from you is to remember the above facts differently. So, if you bail her out, next time she will say: "Oh, yeah! I was desperate to get away from Hubbie #5 so I practically gave you that car to reduce my debt. You owe me."

Run, Forest, run!

[NYEXPAT]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRG +1 Pain is an excellent teacher. It motivates people to do amazing things. I quit smoking because of the fear of pain. DW and I changed how we ate and exercised because of the fear of pain. If someone prevents the natural progression of consequence they're doing the other person a disservice.

I have also heard that "shock collars" can be pretty effective, but I would not trust my wife with the "clicker"!

[kgtest]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRG +1 Pain is an excellent teacher. It motivates people to do amazing things. I quit smoking because of the fear of pain. DW and I changed how we ate and exercised because of the fear of pain. If someone prevents the natural progression of consequence they're doing the other person a disservice.

you mean, enabling? Yeah don't enable your grown MIL. Too late for a pity party.



At most I might offer to connect her with a "we buy underwater cars " service.

[Mdlerth]

If you buy that car which you don't want or need, wouldn't you be exemplifying the behavior you wish that she would cease?

[Mdlerth]

Perhaps the darling MIL has a number of wonderful qualities we don't see. For all we know, she's the love child of Mother Teresa and Albert Schweitzer, destined for sainthood. But considering the OP's description, I think it unlikely.

Extravagant purchases, extremely long repayment schedules, soon-to-be-five ex-husbands... all those are unfortunate, but the chief recipient of the suffering should be its author, i.e., the MIL.

However, OP says his sister-in-law will step in to bail out the prodigal mother if he does not, even though SIL can't afford it. That's crazy, and it bothers me a whole lot more than the plight of the exploitative matriarch. What kind of psychological hold does the old lady exercise over her poor daughter that will ruin the younger woman's life? If you want to help someone, help your SIL break free from whatever guilt her mom is using to pressure her.

There is no helping the MIL. It's too late; she's toast. But there might still be time to rescue the SIL from screwing her own finances in a fruitless attempt to shield her mom from consequences.

[Walt34]

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Originally Posted by gwraigty No. ETA - That's my answer to whether I'd get involved in this mess.

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Originally Posted by Nemo2 Move, change your name, cancel your phone.

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Originally Posted by freedomatlast Don't become involved in that mess and all the drama that will follow.

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Originally Posted by MRG Run far and fast, don't look back.

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Originally Posted by db79 Stop enabling.

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Originally Posted by Dtail +1 5 husbands says it all.

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry Not your problem.

All of the above.

[joeea]

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Originally Posted by Surewhitey Any words of wisdom? Thanks in advance.

What does your wife say? Do that.

[REWahoo]

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Originally Posted by joeea What does your wife say? Do that.

^ What he said.

[flintnational]

I have a friend that reminds me, "You should not worry about someone more than they worry about themselves". Sorry you are in this situation.

[samclem]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Surewhitey So MIL went out to the car lot to buy top of the line model. Rolling in some lost equity and financing 10 years. We didn't know about this until now, 2 years later. She still owes $31k and doesn't want to pay the $500/mo now. She's wanting to move out (divorce with a prenup) of her 5th husband's home and can't afford it. He's not on the car loan. We thought of buying it from her for $20k+our $2k beater (she would have to pay the additional $11k to make her "feel the pain". Don't really want the car, but it will help her and sis in law who can't afford it, but was going to do the same anyway. Sounds like a country song... Any words of wisdom? Thanks in advance.

You never say that anyone has asked you for help, or to get involved. At the >very< least, let your MIL or SIL approach you about it, otherwise the next time you hear about this the story will be "well, you guys wanted to get that nice car I had when I was short of money. I sure liked that car, and I paid a lot of money for it over the years."


I'd be inclined to let the car thing take care of itself. If you want to help MIL, then do that in a way that matters and that you choose. Let her take the hit on this car she bought.

[brett]

MYOB.

Why on earth would you consider buying a car that you do not want?

Let her stop the payments and then have the car repossessed.

Time to end the foolishness.

Unless of course you want to become an enabler. If you do the switch and bail her out she will probably finance another vehicle that she cannot afford six months down the road. Will you buy that one from her as well?

You can’t fix stupid.

[Retiredmajor]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRG +1 Pain is an excellent teacher. It motivates people to do amazing things. I quit smoking because of the fear of pain. DW and I changed how we ate and exercised because of the fear of pain. If someone prevents the natural progression of consequence they're doing the other person a disservice.

There's no education in the second kick of a mule......even IF pain is involved. I've seen people kicked more than twice and they STILL haven't learned. Why bail her out? If you decide to bail her out, realize what you are doing and what you just taught her.

[nuisance]

If you want to help, offer to loan her money at a nominal rate. Don't expect to ever see it again, but if she does repay the loan then you can do the same thing in the future. If you don't see it again and she comes asking for more, you can remind her that she didn't pay back the first loan you gave her.

Just a messy situation overall, but that's what I'd do.

[Moemg]

I would ignore it and let her figure it out .

[Kwirk]

I'm not sure how your proposal could even work. Can you take title to the car without paying off the full loan? Where would she get the $11k difference?

[Jerry1]

I haven’t seen it mentioned. Can you counsel SIL not to get involved? A united front would be much more effective and better for all concerned. If MIL, cannot afford the car, what is the harm in letting it be taken back our having MIL go bankrupt? Even if she doesn’t learn her lesson, let someone else pay for her fresh start.

[Surewhitey]

I do thank you all for your thoughts. I'm going to not pursue it after thinking about it for the day (& after the subtle comments)

Will definitely coach SIL. Hope it works out.

[SumDay]

Thank you for making me appreciate my in-laws.

I wouldn't get involved, and I learned that lesson the hard way.

[MarieIG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Surewhitey I do thank you all for your thoughts. I'm going to not pursue it after thinking about it for the day (& after the subtle comments) Will definitely coach SIL. Hope it works out.

Yes, this.

BTW, I wouldn't let my mother-in-law starve or live under a bridge: but I wouldn't toss money into the trash buying her vehicle. Let it be repossessed. As you said, try to counsel SIL

[Doribe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by freedomatlast Don't become involved in that mess and all the drama that will follow.

+1