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Old 09-21-2009, 11:03 PM   #21
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My parents were divorced after 25+ years of marriage (my father had a girlfriend for over 10 years, whom he married as soon as the divorce was final).

My mother also remarried, but still talked about her first relationship (even in front of her new husband, who I must say was much better to her than her original).

When they divorced, I had to make a choice whom I would speak to the rest of my life (that's the way they were; take "sides" till death you part).

Didn't talk (nor wanted to) my father for over 20 years, till his death.

Don't talk to my mother (nor wish to). Even after the death of her first husband after many years, she still can't get over it (like the song says "you will lose tomorrow, looking back at yesterday).
That is sad...it's too bad that people have to be so stubborn.

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My parents weren’t parents at all. The only people they were concerned about were themselves.

As far as the OP's direct question. Walk away. You have to live your own life. They made their choices in life; you must do the same...
I know what you mean. Growing up sometimes it seemed like I was the adult in the family. I couldn't cut them off but I do need more space.
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Old 09-21-2009, 11:06 PM   #22
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Sorry but they sound like a couple of whiny petulant spoilt brats. The reality of life is we all have to do things we don't like.
As much as I hate to say it, you are right.

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Don't believe for a minute that this is going to be the last time they are going to hit upon you. You need to have "the talk" with them both, let them know you are not going to be able to be their financial crutch no matter how much you love them, and if they are not able to manage financially they should perhaps seek outside counselling to get their issues under control now.
They didn't ask me for anything yet, but it could get to that point if they continue making bad decisions. I try to give them advice but they both think they know everything and have too much pride to take advice from their kid.
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Old 09-21-2009, 11:17 PM   #23
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It doesn't sound like you should get into any more financial endeavors with your father--why open the door to the possibility that he will not pay the rent?

Too bad your folks are acting like preschoolers and not adults, never mind parents. They should not be unloading their troubles about each other, their jobs, etc., on you. Maybe you can tell them you're not going to be part of this anymore and then use that caller ID to screen their calls and change your locks if need be. I'm your parents' age and I can't imagine behaving like this with my children.
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Old 09-22-2009, 02:59 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Barry Darsow View Post
It's hard to distance yourself when they drop by unexpectedly and when they call your work cell phone knowing you carry it 24/7.

I've considered moving to another city as I've always lived in the same area, but still debating it. It's not an easy decision since I have a house that I don't want to sell. My dad has expressed an interest in renting but that could create new issues if he had trouble paying the rent.
Not really. It's called RESPECT. Your parents aren't treating you with respect, so you need to teach them to do so. They are acting like children, while you're acting like the parent. It's time for a little discipline.
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:28 PM   #25
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I would not take their calls--let them go to voicemail and call them back at another time, that shows them they don't "own" your time.

As for dropping by unannounced, you may have to come up with some odd habits to help prevent that (they don't have keys, do they?). I recommend adopting a nude lifestyle, perhaps.

Seriously, you need to read a book--and if the religious parts offend you, just skip them, but it is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

I gave a copy to my sister when her in-laws were majorly overstepping their bounds and she said it really helped her see that their problems weren't her responsibility.
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:13 PM   #26
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What they said -

When M or D 'drops by' - at door - "Oh dear, I'm in the middle of something for work. I can't stop." Close door. (Change locks if you need to!)

Caller ID, and tell them that the phone is a WORK PHONE, and you must leave the line free. Then say good bye and hang up. After that, caller ID and voice mail.

I'm going to copy the author's name for Boundaries. Good fences, good neighbors and all that stuff!

ta,
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:52 PM   #27
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He has written a number of Boundaries titles. I think church counselors use the one for marriage a good bit. I seem to have few troubles of this type (my boundaries might well extend too far in the other direction) but what I've heard about the other books is very favorable.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:17 PM   #28
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It doesn't sound like you should get into any more financial endeavors with your father--why open the door to the possibility that he will not pay the rent?
Good point. I know he would want to pay me, but if he runs into trouble paying his bills, I don't want to be the one that is shortchanged. He took out a loan for my younger brother (who has no credit) awhile back so the kid could buy an expensive vehicle that he didn't need. My brother could have purchased an old model with cash and drove that for awhile, but had to have this newer model with all the bells and whistles and this required a loan. Only problem is the bank wouldn't loan him the money. So then my mom got on the phone and pleaded with my dad (this is after the divorce) to co-sign for the loan as did my grandmother (dad's mom). He went along with it because there's no doubt they would've told everyone how much of a bad guy he was for "not helping his son out". Anyway, the bank wouldn't let him co-sign for the loan, due to my brother having not-so-great credit, so he took out the loan for him. My brother spends every time that he earns (even though he has few bills) and my dad has to get on him every month to pay up. So my dad has that hanging over his head as well as a girlfriend that he's supporting. I don't want to be shortchanged so he could pay their bills.

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Too bad your folks are acting like preschoolers and not adults, never mind parents. They should not be unloading their troubles about each other, their jobs, etc., on you. Maybe you can tell them you're not going to be part of this anymore and then use that caller ID to screen their calls and change your locks if need be. I'm your parents' age and I can't imagine behaving like this with my children.
They know that I have my cell phone with me at all times, so it's kinda hard to avoid them when they call. If I don't answer then they feel that I owe them an explanation. My dad will sometimes drop by without calling ahead of time. Any attempt to set boundaries makes one parent think the other parent is pulling my strings.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:27 PM   #29
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I would not take their calls--let them go to voicemail and call them back at another time, that shows them they don't "own" your time.

As for dropping by unannounced, you may have to come up with some odd habits to help prevent that (they don't have keys, do they?). I recommend adopting a nude lifestyle, perhaps.
I've tried that. But if I don't answer and call back later then I get interrogated (what were you doing? etc).

No they don't have keys to my place.... but I workout in the garage and my dad has dropped in on me while I was sweating like a pig in the middle of a workout. Luckily I've been at the end of my workout when it's happened. If I just stop then it's a wasted workout. They don't seem to understand that.

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will check it out.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:28 PM   #30
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Not really. It's called RESPECT. Your parents aren't treating you with respect, so you need to teach them to do so. They are acting like children, while you're acting like the parent. It's time for a little discipline.
Agreed. I've told them before that they were acting like kids and it just fell on deaf ears as if it didn't register.


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What they said -

When M or D 'drops by' - at door - "Oh dear, I'm in the middle of something for work. I can't stop." Close door. (Change locks if you need to!)

Caller ID, and tell them that the phone is a WORK PHONE, and you must leave the line free. Then say good bye and hang up. After that, caller ID and voice mail.

I'm going to copy the author's name for Boundaries. Good fences, good neighbors and all that stuff!

ta,
mew
Thanks for the suggestions
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:56 PM   #31
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I think you should print out all these replies and send each parent a copy. Tell them they are ripping your heart out and you are going to strangers for help.

Include my reply as well. I'm probably old enough to be your mom. I would never put my child through something like this. Ever.
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:24 PM   #32
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So, Barry, why did you bring this question to an early retirement forum? Have you checked out the “Hi, I Am” section?

http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...elf-27621.html

Interested in wrestling?
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:40 AM   #33
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they ... have too much pride to take advice from their kid.
But not too much pride to take their kid's money . . . .

Some people learn and subsequently change by experiencing the consequences of their actions. If you keep rescuing them, they don't experience the consequences, they don't learn, and they don't change.

The only thing that changes is your bank balance - going d-o-w-n.

Sorry you are having to go through this.

Better get the Boundaries book right away. Also check out "Who's Pushing Your Buttons?"

Kindest regards,
spncity
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:02 AM   #34
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I just hope for Barry and his parents sake that his name isn't really Barry Darsow. I assume that it is an assumed name, maybe after the wrestler?
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:06 AM   #35
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I assume that it is an assumed name, maybe after the wrestler?
Let's hope that's the case: Barry Darsow - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Old 09-23-2009, 04:48 PM   #36
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I've tried that. But if I don't answer and call back later then I get interrogated (what were you doing? etc).

Good for me that I do not get this from my one living parent.... but I have a friend who does (who is 50).... he learned long ago to tell his mother "It's none of your business" when he does not want to tell them something... she keeps asking though... and she tries to make him feel guilty about not telling, so he just hangs up...

One of the big challenges is your parents still think of you as a child... not an adult... YOU need to let them know that you are now an adult and the relationship is between ADULTS... yes, you are still their offspring (and their baby and whatever else they want to call you) and will come to them for advice when you need it since they might have some good advice to give... but the relationship needs to change with the new situation.... adult to adult, not adult to child...
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