Why you might want to disinherit your kids

[6miths]

I can't see anything but an equal split. Not so rich that the money (when split 4 ways) will allow them to do nothing unless they go the Mr Money Moustache route and they won't likely get it until they are 50s or later. They are all still in school but we can see even now that there are likely to be differences in affluence among them. Hopefully they have been brought up well enough to help one another if the need arises. Some have alluded to that here. My mother plans an even split of her modest estate even though there are significant differences in the means of her 3 children. None are particularly poor though. I'm sure that she figures we will look out after each other as the need arises.

 

[GravitySucks]

All these problems!
I got lucky as my total inheritance was $600 while my sisters were both a set of fine silver in a pretty wood box. (Same value I was told.)
No arguments or bad feelings involved.
DDs should do a bit better according to Fidelitys planning site. Splitting it down the middle, though I may have to throw a bonus to whoever is willing to take the evil cat.

 

[Danmar]

Splitting it down the middle, though I may have to throw a bonus to whoever is willing to take the evil cat.

Funny story about cats. My DS has a wonderful widowed aunt who has a couple of mangy old cats. My DS is her executor and has helped with her will. She wanted to give a $5,000 "bonus" to whoever took the cats. My DS pointed out that this would very likely be a death sentence for the cats, they wouldn't last a week. She thought better of it.

 

[Music Lover]

Why? Do the other siblings think their parents "owe" them their money--or maybe that the money is almost theirs already, the old folks can just use a little while they are still hanging around?

When I hear things like this, I wonder if these "expectant inheritors" also resent money that their folks give to charity, while they are alive or after they die. If they think it is bad that their own sis got money to help make her rent payment or so her kids can attend college, I can only imagine how they feel when total strangers are benefiting from Mom and Dad's money.

There is a big difference between thinking you are entitled to your parent's money compared to thinking that it is unfair if one child is being rewarded for their life of poor decisions. It has nothing to with being "owed" money...it's about fairness.

 

[JustCurious]

"Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffett, similarly plan to leave relatively small portions of their massive estates to their children"

5% is a "relatively small portion," but 5% of 50 billion dollars is still $2.5 billion dollars.

 

[JustCurious]

There is a big difference between thinking you are entitled to your parent's money compared to thinking that it is unfair if one child is being rewarded for their life of poor decisions. It has nothing to with being "owed" money...it's about fairness.

I agree 100%.

 

[samclem]

There is a big difference between thinking you are entitled to your parent's money compared to thinking that it is unfair if one child is being rewarded for their life of poor decisions. It has nothing to with being "owed" money...it's about fairness.

I think it is about a feeling of entitlement. If the parents decided to burn all their money in the fireplace, or give it all to the Red Cross, isn't that up to them? Would the kids still be mad/resentful? I think they would, even though they got treated exactly equally . . . they all got nothing, and no sibling got unfairly rewarded. Nope, it is all about entitlement.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

I think it is about a feeling of entitlement. If the parents decided to burn all their money in the fireplace, or give it all to the Red Cross, isn't that up to them? Would the kids still be mad/resentful? I think they would, even though they got treated exactly equally . . . they all got nothing, and no sibling got unfairly rewarded. Nope, it is all about entitlement.

+1, My widowed mother sold her house in 2011, for in my world, big bucks. She lived there for 57 years. My oldest sister thought it would be a good idea for mom to gift us all a huge chunk. As she is smarter than everyone, she told me that if mom ever needed a nursing home , the nursing home would get the money and not us. I had to pause to make sure I was really talking to my sister and not some one else. I told her that is was "mommy's" money. I then had to remind her that our fathers last words to me 1 month after my 22nd birthday was "And you, if anything happens to me, you take care of your mother". My answer was "OK pop, I will,you will be fine" Well he wasnt fine, he died. I went on to tell her mom said please dont ever put me in a home. I want a private nurse to take care of me. I have money. Well I dont have a nurse, but I do have an aide through an agency. Mom probably has 7 years left before her money runs out. When she turns 98. At that time Ill take care of things from my stash, I have another sister that is loaded, she probably will help out. I cant get anyone to come stay with my mother so I can go to the Dr, let alone ask them for money . I hope my oldest sister was counting on getting a third(it would have been a fourth but one of my other sisters died), of moms money. Its nice to hope. Now she can get a third of zero.

 

[GravitySucks]

Funny story about cats. My DS has a wonderful widowed aunt who has a couple of mangy old cats. My DS is her executor and has helped with her will. She wanted to give a $5,000 "bonus" to whoever took the cats. My DS pointed out that this would very likely be a death sentence for the cats, they wouldn't last a week. She thought better of it.

She's not mangy, she's a beautiful calico. She tolerates DD2 biting and scratching her only frequently. DD1 is hated and is not allowed near her highness.
DD1 says DD2 can have the house if she doesn't need to deal with the calico.

 

[kcowan]

Funny story about cats. My DS has a wonderful widowed aunt who has a couple of mangy old cats. My DS is her executor and has helped with her will. She wanted to give a $5,000 "bonus" to whoever took the cats. My DS pointed out that this would very likely be a death sentence for the cats, they wouldn't last a week. She thought better of it.

We did the same. So much now and the rest when the cats reach 18. Sadly that time has come and gone so we are removing the item from the will.

 

[kcowan]

There is a big difference between thinking you are entitled to your parent's money compared to thinking that it is unfair if one child is being rewarded for their life of poor decisions. It has nothing to with being "owed" money...it's about fairness.

Our friend was a 50% heir to her parents estate in Charlottesville. Then her dad died and left 50% of everything to his son to run his business (3 car dealerships). He promised that mom would look after her. Then son went bankrupt and mom decided that he needed the money. She got a vintage car and some silverware. The car ended up worth $10,000. She does not "need" the money but still feels shafted.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

My will was written so long ago, I have zero idea where it is, and the executor is my old radio car, partner( I trusted the guy with my life . Ill trust him with our money). Whe it was written I think it had about 10 paragraphs mostly boiler plate stuff. I die she gets 100%, She dies I get 100 %, we die together the only child gets it. I had about 20 what ifs, and various age disbursements etc.. When I got to the union office I saw a secretary who told me, look if you want that stuff, go see an attorney on 5th ave. This is a free bee,in your case we do spouse to spouse and parent to child. I took the free bee, that has to be in excess of 25 years ago. My net worth in those days was probably 150k. I do remember 1 provision that included the son , regardless of who died , we left 10k to him if we didnt die together. I guess if I die first (99.9 % probability), and the bride remarries, and she remarries and she dies without a new will our son will get 10k and the new husband the estate, lol. Thats sort of a disinherit. Yeah we need a new will.

 

[Music Lover]

I think it is about a feeling of entitlement. If the parents decided to burn all their money in the fireplace, or give it all to the Red Cross, isn't that up to them? Would the kids still be mad/resentful? I think they would, even though they got treated exactly equally . . . they all got nothing, and no sibling got unfairly rewarded. Nope, it is all about entitlement.

Isn't the failure child the entitled one? They blew their money and/or made poor decisions and then they are rewarded for that when their parents die.

I want my parents to spend their money however they want during their remaining years (barring a scam, of course). I don't consider it "my" money at all...just like I don't consider anyone else's money mine. If they died with no money left, I wouldn't be upset that there was nothing left for me.

 

[FlaGator]

.... I guess if I die first (99.9 % probability), and the bride remarries, and she remarries and she dies without a new will our son will get 10k and the new husband the estate, lol. Thats sort of a disinherit. Yeah we need a new will.

Funny that you didn't assign a probability to the bride remarrying .

Get to what you know you need to do, BCG. Take care of her as well as you do your mom. Love that you're a stand up guy

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Funny that you didn't assign a probability to the bride remarrying .

Get to what you know you need to do, BCG. Take care of her as well as you do your mom. Love that you're a stand up guy

Thank you, I will. I need to make time to do it soon.

 

[samclem]

I don't consider it "my" money at all...just like I don't consider anyone else's money mine. If they died with no money left, I wouldn't be upset that there was nothing left for me.

How does that work? "Mom and Dad, I hope you enjoy your money while you are still alive. Spend it or give it charities. If you die with no money left and leave nothing to me, I won't be upset. I don't care how much Las Vegas got, or how much the Salvation Army got. The only "who got what" I care about is that no-account sister of mine--I'll be sore if I get less than she got. So, spend it on the ponies, don't give it to Sis."

 

[Hamlet]

I think it is about a feeling of entitlement. If the parents decided to burn all their money in the fireplace, or give it all to the Red Cross, isn't that up to them? Would the kids still be mad/resentful? I think they would, even though they got treated exactly equally . . . they all got nothing, and no sibling got unfairly rewarded. Nope, it is all about entitlement.

I think that it can be both. Some sibling resentments are incredibly powerful. My wife has a sister that is somewhat toxic. If for some reason my inlaws left that sister more money for some reason ( very unlikely, I have sensible inlaws ), I think it would bother my wife a lot. On the other hand, if they left it all in trusts for that toxic sister's kids ( my wife's nephews ), or spent it, or gave it to a good cause, I think my wife would be fine with that.

On of my aunts is a horrible person who is always trying to get money out of my grandmother. When she passes, I know my uncle will absolutely hate it if she inherits anything. The money is not significant to him, but it will signify his sister scamming his mother one more time.

 

[Sunset]

How does that work? "Mom and Dad, I hope you enjoy your money while you are still alive. Spend it or give it charities. If you die with no money left and leave nothing to me, I won't be upset. I don't care how much Las Vegas got, or how much the Salvation Army got. The only "who got what" I care about is that no-account sister of mine--I'll be sore if I get less than she got. So, spend it on the ponies, don't give it to Sis."

I know I did encourage my Mother to go spend "my inheritance" when she expressed reluctance to take a side trip to Russia.

It was a Vice I valued, but if she has said she was going to get scammed or gamble it all away I would have discouraged her.

So there are a lot of factors involved. Personally I think its entitlement and fairness as both get confused with "if you really loved me" feelings.

 

[haha]

I think it is about a feeling of entitlement. If the parents decided to burn all their money in the fireplace, or give it all to the Red Cross, isn't that up to them? Would the kids still be mad/resentful? I think they would, even though they got treated exactly equally . . . they all got nothing, and no sibling got unfairly rewarded. Nope, it is all about entitlement.

So what?

Until very recently, normal people recognized inter-generational duties.

Ha

 

[Perryinva]

Well unlike all the apparant well heeled, intelligent, financially and socially responsible kids everyone else here seems to have, despite setting a good example of LBYM, solid work ethic, and responsibility to ones health, both physical and fiscal, by both DE and myself, my step son is a total fool and moron. The thought of him inheriting our hard earned savings so he could blow it on toys, fast food, drugs and drink is a serious bone of contention. Sometimes they don't learn. It is one of the reasons I try to convince myself to ER sooner than planned. Better to enjoy more free years with less, than work more to play it safer and increase the possibility of leaving a larger inheritance.

 

[Calico]

She's not mangy, she's a beautiful calico. She tolerates DD2 biting and scratching her only frequently. DD1 is hated and is not allowed near her highness.View attachment 26416
DD1 says DD2 can have the house if she doesn't need to deal with the calico.

Beautiful cat. Although there's a slight possibility I think so because I'm partial to calicos!

She sounds as feisty as one I had many years ago.

 

[FlaGator]

Well unlike all the apparant well heeled, intelligent, financially and socially responsible kids everyone else here seems to have, despite setting a good example of LBYM, solid work ethic, and responsibility to ones health, both physical and fiscal, by both DE and myself, my step son is a total fool and moron. The thought of him inheriting our hard earned savings so he could blow it on toys, fast food, drugs and drink is a serious bone of contention. Sometimes they don't learn. It is one of the reasons I try to convince myself to ER sooner than planned. Better to enjoy more free years with less, than work more to play it safer and increase the possibility of leaving a larger inheritance.

Think there are people like that in every family. Wouldn't trust one of my sibs to keep a $100 gift intact over 5+ years. Others, not a concern.

One or both of my kids could end up that way as well. Don't think so, but it's too soon tell, which is why my estate plan is structured the way it is.

Unfortunate that is the situation with your logical heir. Good you are evaluating your choices, which includes the ER and spend now option. One of many.

 

[Bamaman]

Well unlike all the apparant well heeled, intelligent, financially and socially responsible kids everyone else here seems to have, despite setting a good example of LBYM, solid work ethic, and responsibility to ones health, both physical and fiscal, by both DE and myself, my step son is a total fool and moron. The thought of him inheriting our hard earned savings so he could blow it on toys, fast food, drugs and drink is a serious bone of contention. Sometimes they don't learn. It is one of the reasons I try to convince myself to ER sooner than planned. Better to enjoy more free years with less, than work more to play it safer and increase the possibility of leaving a larger inheritance.

We feel about the same way about our 29 year old bipolar daughter. The real her is a nice and caring person, however we seldom see that person. "Betty" is a vile and nasty person--unemployed and using every excuse in the book to try to make us feel guilty for not allowing her to continue living the easy life.

We're in the process of tough love--and have taken her car away permanently. We're also legally evicting her from the house we own--after she turned it into the city's drug den. The police have arrested person after person at her address on outstanding warrants.

We are shortly having a court hearing to take over permanent custody of a 6 year old girl. We didn't plan to raise a child in retirement, but we do what we have to.

We've removed our daughter as secondary beneficiary on our Fidelity accounts. Real estate and remaining assets will be liquidated when we're gone and possibly a special needs trust done--if the grandchildren aren't grown by then. New wills are going to be written shortly.

When we bought her house, we intended on enabling her to take the right direction in life and have a stable place to raise her two children. All our daughter had to do is get a job, pay for insurance and utilities and raise our grandchild in a safe and loving way. Unfortunately, she has chosen the wrong direction in life. Now a plan of action is in the works, and every step is hurtful--but required.

 

[Danmar]

We feel about the same way about our 29 year old bipolar daughter. The real her is a nice and caring person, however we seldom see that person. "Betty" is a vile and nasty person--unemployed and using every excuse in the book to try to make us feel guilty for not allowing her to continue living the easy life.

We're in the process of tough love--and have taken her car away permanently. We're also legally evicting her from the house we own--after she turned it into the city's drug den. The police have arrested person after person at her address on outstanding warrants.

We are shortly having a court hearing to take over permanent custody of a 6 year old girl. We didn't plan to raise a child in retirement, but we do what we have to.

We've removed our daughter as secondary beneficiary on our Fidelity accounts. Real estate and remaining assets will be liquidated when we're gone and possibly a special needs trust done--if the grandchildren aren't grown by then. New wills are going to be written shortly.

When we bought her house, we intended on enabling her to take the right direction in life and have a stable place to raise her two children. All our daughter had to do is get a job, pay for insurance and utilities and raise our grandchild in a safe and loving way. Unfortunately, she has chosen the wrong direction in life. Now a plan of action is in the works, and every step is hurtful--but required.

Terribly sorry about this. Sounds like you know what to do. Good luck.

 

[marko]

We feel about the same way about our 29 year old bipolar daughter. The real her is a nice and caring person, however we seldom see that person. "Betty" is a vile and nasty person--unemployed and using every excuse in the book to try to make us feel guilty for not allowing her to continue living the easy life.

We're in the process of tough love--and have taken her car away permanently. We're also legally evicting her from the house we own--after she turned it into the city's drug den. The police have arrested person after person at her address on outstanding warrants.

We are shortly having a court hearing to take over permanent custody of a 6 year old girl. We didn't plan to raise a child in retirement, but we do what we have to.

We've removed our daughter as secondary beneficiary on our Fidelity accounts. Real estate and remaining assets will be liquidated when we're gone and possibly a special needs trust done--if the grandchildren aren't grown by then. New wills are going to be written shortly.

When we bought her house, we intended on enabling her to take the right direction in life and have a stable place to raise her two children. All our daughter had to do is get a job, pay for insurance and utilities and raise our grandchild in a safe and loving way. Unfortunately, she has chosen the wrong direction in life. Now a plan of action is in the works, and every step is hurtful--but required.

God Bless!! You're doing the right thing with the tough love. Hang in there.