Workplace BS

[cyclone6]

Considering retirement in the very near future, I thought I'd share a few of the things I've heard and seen over the last couple of years that just drive me crazy - all at work, except for the last.

I work for a small environmental consulting firm - with 20 or so employees. We have a VP who's job description appears to be to make us as much like big government as possible. (Just as a sidenote, "Ralph" is one of those guys who does very little real work, but is always buddying up to the brass and making sure they know the improvements he's bringing to the company). Here is a list of 5 events that make the exit option seem like the most reasonable:

1) I am in charge of the IT side of our business. We had a computer shut down one day (our mail server) where email was not available for about 2 hours. About 20 minutes after we found that the email was not working, we got a call from "Ralph". He wanted to know the situation. It was explained to him that it appeared to be a very minor issue, and would be resolved shortly. After we were advised that any downtime is unacceptable, he said that we needed to do a "root cause analysis". The meetings that followed far outlived the supposed crisis.

2) One day, during a staff meeting, we were presented with the new business plan. Right near the top, one statement became obvious: "We are going to become the Coca-Cola of the environmental consulting business". A company of 20 employees?

3) We were advised that the company was going to settle on a formal, official font policy. Thats right, if you use Times New Roman, you are directly violating company policy...

4) During a staff meeting, we got the following the question: "If you have 2 horses that can pull 9000 pounds, how many pounds can 4 horses pull?" Well, we're all scratching our heads, and being engineers and such, figure maybe its 18000 pounds? Nope... "30,000 pounds, because the horses are using synergy"...

5) Lastly, I took my nephew (about to enter college) to my old alma matter - Metro State here in Denver. I guess it wasn't surprising to see that its not just Harvard and Berkely suffering political correctness. As we were walking across the campus, we ran across a sign that read "Service animal rest station". I had no idea what that meant, until I saw a picture below the sign of a dog on a leash. Then I noticed the plastic bag dispenser above. It was then that I burst out laughing. Maybe it should have read "dog crap area"?

What the hell?

[RockOn]

The root cause seems to be that dogs don't use designated bathrooms.

[Bikerdude]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cyclone6 Considering retirement in the very near future, I thought I'd share a few of the things I've heard and seen over the last couple of years that just drive me crazy -

Never worked at MegaCorp eh?

[bbbamI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bikerdude Never worked at MegaCorp eh?

Yeah, imagine putting up with 300,000 Ralphs.

[Gotadimple]

Ralph's in over his head, and it won't get better. If you can swing it, it may be time to RE.

-- Rita

[Helena]

Just be grateful you don't work for a corporate call center
where your computer, telephone and bathroom breaks are
all timed and monitored from command central and put on
a flow chart.


~

[ladelfina]

Quote:

"30,000 pounds, because the horses are using synergy"...

Thanks for my laugh of the day.
(Sorry it's at your expense, though..)

[BunsGettingFirm]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladelfina Thanks for my laugh of the day. (Sorry it's at your expense, though..)

I was going to say 18,000 lbs as well, but then I realized that the horses may have urinated just minutes before the pull, so they could easily have pulled 18,020 lbs.

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cyclone6 It was explained to him that it appeared to be a very minor issue, and would be resolved shortly. After we were advised that any downtime is unacceptable, he said that we needed to do a "root cause analysis". The meetings that followed far outlived the supposed crisis.... ...As we were walking across the campus, we ran across a sign that read "Service animal rest station"

i'm aware that many service animals help the blind but i didn't know they can read.

as to the rest, welcome to the corporate ego, where it matters less what you do and more what you make it out to be.

[Martha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum i'm aware that many service animals help the blind but i didn't know they can read.

That is why they included a picture of the dog.

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha That is why they included a picture of the dog.

which you would think redundant, because, as everyone knows, service animals understand braille.

[bbbamI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha That is why they included a picture of the dog.

Scratch and sniff, perhaps?

[ladelfina]

oo good catch! I completely missed that! What a moronic sign!

[UncleHoney]

Hey cyclone6, you guys need to pass Ralph's name on to a good headhunter. Sounds like he would fit right in with MegaCorp management.

Nothing like edicts from the top to put you in a good mood. My favorite...

Happy hour is at 5:30 pm. You will be there, and you will be HAPPY.

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UncleHoney Nothing like edicts from the top to put you in a good mood. My favorite... Happy hour is at 5:30 pm. You will be there, and you will be HAPPY.

Sounds like an invitation to get drunk and puke on the shoes of the idiot who sent taht e-mail.

[kumquat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 Sounds like an invitation to get drunk and puke on the shoes of the idiot who sent taht e-mail.

Assuming 'that idiot' is buying.

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kumquat Assuming 'that idiot' is buying.

For the right idiot, it would be worth paying for your own ammunition booze.

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UncleHoney Happy hour is at 5:30 pm. You will be there, and you will be HAPPY.

Along the lines of "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves"

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walt34 Sounds like government. Every unit had to write a "mission statement". Hey, it's a police department! The mission is to lock up bad guys! Why is that so hard to understand?

You guys feel bad about Total Quality Management, we had to call it Total Quality Leadership. Of course there were a number of other TLAs that were created for it.

I thought we were in the business of killing people and breaking things, but then it dawned on me that we were really projecting power from the sea. And then luckily the CNO gave us a "top five" priority list to memorize, so I felt a lot better... and I could get started on his recommended reading list.

Are there recommended reading lists for civilian careers?

[RunningBum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords Are there recommended reading lists for civilian careers?

Oh, you bet. A few years ago "Who Moved My Cheese" copies could be seen on about every manager's bookshelf, because the CEO liked it. Sometime before or after there was talk about whether we were "inside the tornado" or something like that from another book.

There were always two ways to know when the latest all-managers meeting was:

1) a brief period of rampant productivity among the staff

2) followed by a month or so where every manager in every meeting spouted the same buzz phrases