Young RE single

[goinfishin]

So it is clear to me as a 28 yr. old single guy that a key aspect of me succeeding in my FIRE goals is choosing the right partner. This is not as easy as it sounds though. Dating in the big city costs a lot of money and FIRE as a goal is not something you usually discuss in a few dates.

I think it would be nice if there was a service that matched similar minds on this subject up. While there are plenty of online and off line services none really focus on this which too me is a huge thing. They all focus on wanting Children or not, Religion, Career, hobbies, etc etc. but none on the FIRE issue.

Perhaps I have an idea for something here? Hmmm?

 

[dory36]

Well heck -- if there's enough legit interest, I'll create a section here for that purpose.

Any interest?

Dory36

 

[goinfishin]

Go Dory!!!!!  And hey, there has to be some parents out there with daughters who have absorbed your FIRE attitude towards life and understand what matters in life 

 

[bushwacker]

Even if you don't start a section dedicated to single RE's, I would be interested to hear stories from others on the subject of dating while trying to prepare for ER. Goinfishin is right. Not many eligible bachelorettes are interested in hearing about how you want to share a fulfilling, yet simple life with them. They usually just want to know which 5 star restaurant you will be visiting while discussing plans for that trip to Paris.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Since my entire life was turned upside down, and my
first marriage ended due to my decision to RE, I can write you a book on this topic. i.e. relationships, dating,
etc. More to follow.........................

 

[BigMoneyJim]

I just turned 33 yesterday.

I moved away from everyone and everything I know for a job about 18 months ago, and not being very outgoing I haven't met many people or dated much since then.

Boy, I'll tell you it saves a ton of money to play hermit for a while.

My sister just told me a story about her ex husband buying a car for his girlfriend who didn't work...she later broke up with him. At times like these I'm glad to be single and not actively dating.

At this rate I think I may just avoid dating for a year until my debt is paid off, then maybe I can afford it. But I'm not buying anyone a car!

 

[Mr._johngalt]

I married at age 20 and that marriage lasted 32 years.
For most of it I was absorbed with climbing the
corporate ladder and making/spending money. At
the peak of this we had 2 Cadillacs, 2 houses, a boat,
country club membership, etc. Then my priorities shifted
180 degrees (mid life crisis?). In 1998 I was offered an unsolicited
"dream job" with a six figure salary, bonuses, stock
options, the whole 9 yards. Turned it down flat!
I had come to the point in my life where the time was
more important to me than making more money. Now, I drive
a 12 year old Jeep and live in a house that would fit in my exwife's garage. I still have a boat, but it's 30 years
old and when I store it for the winter we just flip it over
in the back yard. Anyway, there are not many marriages
that could stand a shock like that. Mine was no
exception. My new wife shares my views of how best
to use our time and money at this stage of our lives. Makes all the difference. Re. my
workaholic days I have few regrets. It helped me to
retire early in spite of a ridiculous lack of planning,
and it provided my ex with a nice base to start her new
life . Re. dating, I was single from 1997 until 2000.
I did a lot of dating and spent a small fortune doing it.
A rookie mistake because I mostly met women who were
totally incompatible with my bare bones ER. Oh, I had some good times, but it would be nice to have most of that money back. Finding a partner to buy into this ER
idea is not easy. I got lucky!

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Hey BigMoneyJim. Happy Birthday! You share it with a
good friend of mine. Hope you have many more!

 

[patnbj]

LOL, how come you guys think you're are the only ones who care whether or not your dates are FIRE-compatible? I'm female and have had a hard time attracting guys who are interested in retiring early or at least frugal with their money.

You probably wonder why a girl would be interested in a frugal guy. After all, a spendthift could throw out money to wine and dine me. But if I were to get into a relationship with such a person, it could derail my early retirement.

I haven't seen any service that provides a way for FIRE minded singles to meet. So Dory, I'd bet you'd be providing a great service if you would add that section.

 

[Ted]

From a purely financial standpoint, the best "lifestyle strategy" for accumulating the wealth needed for early retirement is to (1) marry young and (2) defer (or avoid) having children.

Of course, additional elements of this strategy are to devote all of your time to work, and invest your money rather than giving it to charity, spending it on dates or other forms of recreation, etc. The trouble is, a lot of these elements are inconsistent with what should be a person's overriding goal -- to have a happy life and a happy marriage (if you choose to marry).

Speaking from personal experience, at least one "strategy" that is good both financially and for a happy family life is to defer having children until you are, say, past 30. In our case, my wife was 36 and I was 40 when our daughter was born. A rather substantial number of our friends also had their first children at this rather "advanced" age. Some of them had had children by previous marriages that failed.

I have seen no indication that either we or our friends have had any problems in raising our kids because of our "advanced" ages. In fact, those who are raising their "second set" of kids seem to be doing much better than on their first attempt. Other things being equal, however, my wife and I have the advantage of having saved and invested a lot of our earnings that would otherwise have been spent before having time to grow.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Hi Ted. Good comments!

I had my first child when I was 21 and the last (of 3 )
when I was 40. Although I love them all and consider
them my most important contribution to the world,
they were very expensive. I'm not sure how much I would have helped myself by waiting or changing that part of my life, as I was an out of
control spender right up until I saw the ER light. Anyway, it's all water over the dam at this point.
I am still in a death struggle with my ex. over college
costs for my youngest. I discovered that the fallout
(financial and otherwise) from divorce never ends.

 

[JWR1945]

Johngalt hit the nail on the head.

I am still in a death struggle with my ex. over college costs for my youngest. I discovered that the fallout financial and otherwise) from divorce never ends.

I concluded early in life that anybody can become rich (within reason) as long as (1) he had steady employment and (2) he was able to avoid getting a divorce.

Pay attention to your marriage (should you decide to marry) BIG TIME. It is more important financially than your income and your investment success combined. Even a friendly divorce will wipe you out financially.

Have fun.

John R.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Hi John R.

Re. "Even a friendly divorce will wipe you out financially", I am kind of the exception as my divorce
enabled me to RE. The price I paid was cutting my spending severely. This probably makes me doubly
unusual in that not only did I come through the divorce
in better shape to RE than before, but was willing to go
through a messy divorce rather than continue to
support a champagne lifestyle. When I was trying to work out a "deal" for
converting to ER with my ex., I suggested we might both work part time. She refused. It's ironic that now she works full time to support a pretty lavish lifestyle, while I do not work at all. One final thought. I enjoyed my big
spender days very much, but I came to reject using my limited time in order to continue down
that road.

 

[WRBT]

I'm fortunate in that my wife shares my FIRE dreams. We love sitting around, sipping beers, and chatting up dreams of early retirement: lazy days on hammocks reading in Thailand or leading our pack of dogs around the property of some rural ranch in Arkansas or maybe walking the beach somewhere in South America or whatever. Endless chit chat about that stuff man.

We make pretty good buck (engineer+attorney+no kids) and live a pretty inexpensive lifestyle. We're not extremists who live off oatmeal, ride bicycles to work, and give presents made of acorns but we definitely live waaaay under are means and should be comfortably out of the game in our mid 40s.

I think our biggest vice for spending is travel, but that is creating many unforgettable and cherished memories we'll have forever.

 

[bongo2]

What worked well for me is to meet my wife when we were both poor. We were in graduate school in Chicago living on a small stipend. You can’t be too spendy in those circumstances. I also pre-screened with questions such as, "do you like to shop," or "did you buy that car used?" After we both got real jobs it wasn't very hard to convince her to keep our spending low compared to what our peers were doing. As Tobias said, "Pace yourself! Tease yourself with anticipation."

Kids have definitly put a crimp in our saving style, but, for us anyway, they're mandatory. We've also moved into a pricier neighborhood, and I'm worried that my wife will be led astray. Oh well. The best laid plans. . .

I’m not religious myself, but I’ve often thought that church must be a pretty good place to meet people interested in a down-to-earth lifestyle.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Agree church is a good place to meet people.

My wife and I met on the cyberspace highway.
Pretty neat considering I'm not a bytehead.

Remember when those older folks kept telling you
how quickly the time would fly by? They were right.
I'm 58 and the time just disappeared. 20 - 30 years
in the blink of an eye. Decide what makes you happy and do it today!! Don't wait.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Hm...I'd say that any woman who has worked for few years in the corporate world and who doesn't plan on using her Mrs. degree to snag a meal ticket would be a good FIRE mate, so that makes your mate about 27-32, independent, educated, and has a good head on her shoulders.

I doubt very much that a young, 21-year-old straight out of college would have any idea what you're talking about because assuming her experience is typical, her tuition and SUV were paid by her parents, and she's never had to work other than for spending money, and her idea of a good time is a day at Lord & Taylor's.

Personally, I have seen too many crappy marriages to go down that road. I think marriage was a grand idea back when people lived to about 30 and then graciously croaked. You don't have much time to get bored or grow apart. Even if the marriage was intolerable, the length was capped by people's short life spans. Another plus was that hardly anybody divorced, so even if you were miserable, at least you can't be financially devasted simply because she met somebody new and exciting

 

[haha]

Another plus was that hardly anybody divorced, so even if you were miserable, at least you can't be financially devasted simply because she met somebody new and exciting

Amen Buns. I really enjoyed being married, and I especially enjoyed being a Dad- but I would never give up that much control over my financial autonomy again. I found out a lot about how quickly things can get weird. Of course, if I were young and didn't have children I might not have that point of view.

Mikey

 

[John Galt]

Prenups Mikey, prenups! BTW, agree that things can
"get weird quickly".

John Galt

 

[ordway]

I doubt very much that a young, 21-year-old straight out of college would have any idea what you're talking about because assuming her experience is typical, her tuition and SUV were paid by her parents, and she's never had to work other than for spending money, and her idea of a good time is a day at Lord & Taylor's.

Typical? Geez, wish I'd known - someone else must have taken my SUV and spending money when I was in college and left me stuck with paying my way with scholarships and loans! No great loss, though - I wouldn't have wanted an SUV anyway, and I'd feel out of place in Lord & Taylor's - JCPenney's, or Goodwill, are more my speed!

In all seriousness... I met my husband when we were both college students living on shoestring budgets. The first six years or so we were together we were "starving students" (but managing to save a little bit of money from our stipends, anyway!). We were on the same wavelength about money from the beginning, and that hasn't changed now that we have a better income.

For goinfishin... my advice would be to get involved with activities that you enjoy, and that don't cost a lot of money, and see if you can meet interesting people there. You're a lot more likely to meet a compatible person if some qualities are self-selected... for instance, someone who goes on group bike rides or hikes is someone who enjoys an activity that is fun but doesn't cost anything to do. And from the start you'll have something in common. When you do start dating someone, just do things your way - if you don't want to spend a lot of money, suggest other options, like catching a matinee movie, or going to a museum, or going for a run, or ... fill in the blank. If she shares your goals and preferences (even if she hasn't actually thought of FIRE specifically) then she'll have a great time - if she balks at the thought and wants to go to fancy restaurants instead, you'll know that she's probably not a good match.

FIRE isn't something you'd discuss on an early date, but you can find out a lot about someone from the kinds of things they like to do. Example: Do they like to read? If so, do they know any good used bookstores? or, if you're talking about movies, does she give you a weird look if you mention something like waiting for new movies to come out on video/DVD before you watch them? (Not being in a rush to get the "new thing" is one of the great things my husband and I have in common.)

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Holly, do you have a sister?

 

[ordway]

Holly, do you have a sister?

Hehehe. I'm afraid I don't! Can't help you out there But I'm sure there are others like me out there... somewhere...

 

[flipstress]

goinfishin,
This is a late reply--I just joined--and you may be set by now towards finding a partner.

Holly gave good advice about finding out someone's interests and matching them with yours.

If you are still looking, my suggestion would be to join a voluntary simplicity or (just plain) simplicity group. Someone who yearns for simplicity might be more open to spending less, to financial independence, and to retiring early.

This assumes that you are also interested in the simple life.

flipstress