Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Advice column on spousal reaction to FIRE
Old 11-15-2013, 10:25 AM   #1
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 269
Advice column on spousal reaction to FIRE

Surprised I didn't see a thread here:

Quote:
My husband achieved professional success and wealth early in life. His work involved long hours and lots of stress, and by his 30s he decided that he wanted out. His accumulated wealth could easily support our lifestyle indefinitely, so he retired about 18 months ago, shortly after the birth of our first child. He has not found anything to do in that time! We have an excellent nanny 40 hours a week, and outside those hours my husband is an extremely involved father. We split the domestic duties roughly 50–50, as before, but now I am the only one working and he says he shouldn’t be "penalized" by having extra domestic responsibilities. So he spends the week dicking around (gym, squash, books, movies, etc.). It's making me crazy with resentment
Dear Prudence: My husband retired young and goofs off all day.
__________________

__________________
Sesq is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 11-15-2013, 10:49 AM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,705
HE "achieved professional success" and YOU are still working?

Quitting YOUR job might make you less resentful...just a guess.
__________________

__________________
Living well is the best revenge!
Retired @ 52 in 2005
marko is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:03 AM   #3
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
audreyh1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Rio Grande Valley
Posts: 16,471
Or if she's pursuing a career for the enjoyment of it, sounds like they can afford to hire another person or two to pick up the slack - chef, housekeeper.
__________________
Well, I thought I was retired. But it seems that now I'm working as a travel agent instead!
audreyh1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:13 AM   #4
Moderator
ziggy29's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,612
She says she doesn't like the example it's setting for their kids. I'd say the opposite; as long as the kids aren't trust fund babies who are handed everything, it teaches them that when you bust your ass and become successful, you really *can*, in a manner of speaking, buy time for yourself.
__________________
"Hey, for every ten dollars, that's another hour that I have to be in the work place. That's an hour of my life. And my life is a very finite thing. I have only 'x' number of hours left before I'm dead. So how do I want to use these hours of my life? Do I want to use them just spending it on more crap and more stuff, or do I want to start getting a handle on it and using my life more intelligently?" -- Joe Dominguez (1938 - 1997)

RIP to Reemy, my avatar dog (2003 - 9/16/2017)
ziggy29 is offline   Reply With Quote
No Whining
Old 11-15-2013, 11:35 AM   #5
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Huston55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Bay Area
Posts: 1,802
No Whining

When I play golf with my buddies (we're decent but not great golfers), it's sometimes the case that one of us hits a shot with a very, very good but not 'perfect' result. If that person then whines about it not being better when he should be grateful, we call him on it by saying, " Wheeeaaaaaahhhhhh! No whining."

I'd offer this spouse the same advice.

You're on the green. Stop whining and put the ball!
__________________
You may be whatever you resolve to be.
Huston55 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:38 AM   #6
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,385
I am not surprised this gets no acceptance here. People here often do not have all those difficult human feelings that make others' lives tricky. And a retired guy does not spend his day climbing his club squash ladder.

To me, the only surprising thing is that anyone might think he or she could go on permanent leave and not get resentment or other perhaps more basic difficulties out of a spouse.

People here do take solo retirement while married, but they tend to make themselves into household slaves, especially the men, to avoid this sort of blowback. Blowback that few who are even remotely in touch with social reality would not expect.

I'd say, Buddie, you are SOL, she has all the cards from now on. See if you can sell that squash raquet!

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:45 AM   #7
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 42,113
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
I am not surprised this gets no acceptance here. People here do not have all those difficult human feelings that make other lives tricky.
When do you get that hip operation? Do you expect it to improve your general outlook on mankind?
__________________
Numbers is hard

When I hit 70, it hit back

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension
REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:48 AM   #8
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 16,375
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
I am not surprised this gets no acceptance here. People here often do not have all those difficult human feelings that make others' lives tricky. And a retired guy does not spend his day climbing his club squash ladder.

To me, the only surprising thing is that anyone might think he or she could go on permanent leave and not get resentment or other perhaps more basic difficulties out of a spouse.

People here do take solo retirement while married, but they tend to make themselves into household slaves, especially the men, to avoid this sort of blowback. Blowback that few who are even remotely in touch with social reality would not expect.

I'd say, Buddie, you are SOL, she has all the cards from now on. See if you can sell that squash raquet!

Ha
I don't think you read the whole letter at the link.
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Bestwifeever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:50 AM   #9
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,385
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
I don't think you read the whole letter at the link.
I didn't, you are correct. Edit. I did now read it. Seems to me this guy's rationale for how he wants to spend his life is very similar to some of our younger, more affluent members. If in fact the trust fund does exist, and it is adequate, her complaint gets very close to wanting to exercise dominion over her husband. This brings me to another one of my social criticisms, which I had better not get into.

Should have kept quiet. But like Wahoo wisely said, perhaps it will improve before long.

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 11:56 AM   #10
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,385
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
When do you get that hip operation? Do you expect it to improve your general outlook on mankind?
You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people. I have never seen so little man/woman conflict in real life. This is not to say I don't believe how people present themselves here; I do. It is clear that usually things are pretty conflict free on the home front for the huge majority of our members.

ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 12:09 PM   #11
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
audreyh1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Rio Grande Valley
Posts: 16,471
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people. I have never seen so little man/woman conflict in real life. This is not to say I don't believe how people present themselves here; I do. It is clear that usually things are pretty conflict free on the home front for the huge majority of our members.

ha
That's probably true. Our marriage has always been very easy going, and it got even better after ER. Of course, it is my second marriage - at least I was smart enough to terminate my first (and without children) while still in my 20s.
__________________
Well, I thought I was retired. But it seems that now I'm working as a travel agent instead!
audreyh1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 12:31 PM   #12
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
robnplunder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 2,124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huston55 View Post
When I play golf with my buddies (we're decent but not great golfers), it's sometimes the case that one of us hits a shot with a very, very good but not 'perfect' result. If that person then whines about it not being better when he should be grateful, we call him on it by saying, " Wheeeaaaaaahhhhhh! No whining."

I'd offer this spouse the same advice.

You're on the green. Stop whining and put the ball!
You said it! With billion bad things going on in the world, the couple's behavior (both husband & wife) lead me to believe they are pretty spoiled lot. At 30 something, I'd look for something meaningful to do with my life even I am well off. I simply believe the couple don't know what to do with their life, or how to spend their wealth to live it. Give me their money and I will donate to the Philippine typhoon victims.
__________________
robnplunder is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 12:54 PM   #13
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Ready's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,826
Well, I've been semi-retired for six months now, and while I had the best of intentions to get involved in charity work and find a great cause to champion, I haven't done any of that yet. After being in the work force for 30 years straight without a break, I just feel like being lazy and having a lot of time to relax and enjoy life. I'm sure eventually the volunteer work and fighting for a great cause will come, but I have no desire to force it any sooner than it just naturally happens.

My partner, OTOH, still works full time, and has not completely gotten used to me having so much free time on my hands. Resentment might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but I don't know that he's completely thrilled about it. But he could easily cut back to part time if he wanted to, so that's his decision.

I feel no guilt about not working full time any more. I worked hard to get here, and I deserve it. If the woman writing the letter takes issue with her husband for feeling that way, that's really a shame.
__________________
Ready is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 01:35 PM   #14
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 5,887
She needs more servants, in addition to the nanny, to relieve her of the "domestic duties" unfairly levied on her while she works.

Unless he refuses to pay for a maid, cook, etc. (since apparently they can afford it), it's unfair to refer to doing what he wants all day as "dicking around." Doing what we want all day is what forum members aspire to.

Amethyst
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Amethyst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 02:52 PM   #15
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
Doing what we want all day is what forum members aspire to.
Big time.

I have to say, books, movies, squash, golf - not exactly what I'd pick, but not bad at all.
__________________
Sesq is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 03:32 PM   #16
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,705
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people.
+1. A recent interview with Robin Williams stated that he had to go back to work (recent TV show) not in small part due to being essentially broke through three divorces!
__________________
Living well is the best revenge!
Retired @ 52 in 2005
marko is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2013, 03:36 PM   #17
Moderator
ziggy29's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,612
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people.
Could be. I think it does make life a lot easier when both partners are low maintenance as my wife and I are.
__________________
"Hey, for every ten dollars, that's another hour that I have to be in the work place. That's an hour of my life. And my life is a very finite thing. I have only 'x' number of hours left before I'm dead. So how do I want to use these hours of my life? Do I want to use them just spending it on more crap and more stuff, or do I want to start getting a handle on it and using my life more intelligently?" -- Joe Dominguez (1938 - 1997)

RIP to Reemy, my avatar dog (2003 - 9/16/2017)
ziggy29 is offline   Reply With Quote
A wife doesn't like DH's ER
Old 11-16-2013, 08:30 PM   #18
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Katsmeow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,399
A wife doesn't like DH's ER

I found this letter and response interesting. It is about a wife who is still working and upset that her DH early retired (with lots of money) in his 30s. He is OK with her retiring as well, but that does not make her happy. Somehow I doubt she will be joining this forum. Would be interesting if her DH joined though....

Dear Prudence: My husband retired young and goofs off all day.
__________________
Katsmeow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-16-2013, 08:40 PM   #19
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 42,113
This "Dear Prudence" letter already has a thread: Advice column on spousal reaction to FIRE
__________________
Numbers is hard

When I hit 70, it hit back

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension
REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-16-2013, 08:40 PM   #20
Moderator
rodi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 8,817
I liked the response.

A friend was in the same place - her husband retired in his mid-30's after selling company. She chose to continue work for another 15 years - but recently joined him. She knew it was her choice to keep working.
__________________

__________________
rodi is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:09 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.