Advice column on spousal reaction to FIRE

[Sesq]

Surprised I didn't see a thread here:

Quote:

My husband achieved professional success and wealth early in life. His work involved long hours and lots of stress, and by his 30s he decided that he wanted out. His accumulated wealth could easily support our lifestyle indefinitely, so he retired about 18 months ago, shortly after the birth of our first child. He has not found anything to do in that time! We have an excellent nanny 40 hours a week, and outside those hours my husband is an extremely involved father. We split the domestic duties roughly 50–50, as before, but now I am the only one working and he says he shouldn’t be "penalized" by having extra domestic responsibilities. So he spends the week dicking around (gym, squash, books, movies, etc.). It's making me crazy with resentment

Dear Prudence: My husband retired young and goofs off all day.

[marko]

HE "achieved professional success" and YOU are still working?

Quitting YOUR job might make you less resentful...just a guess.

[audreyh1]

Or if she's pursuing a career for the enjoyment of it, sounds like they can afford to hire another person or two to pick up the slack - chef, housekeeper.

[ziggy29]

She says she doesn't like the example it's setting for their kids. I'd say the opposite; as long as the kids aren't trust fund babies who are handed everything, it teaches them that when you bust your ass and become successful, you really *can*, in a manner of speaking, buy time for yourself.

[Huston55]

When I play golf with my buddies (we're decent but not great golfers), it's sometimes the case that one of us hits a shot with a very, very good but not 'perfect' result. If that person then whines about it not being better when he should be grateful, we call him on it by saying, " Wheeeaaaaaahhhhhh! No whining."

I'd offer this spouse the same advice.

You're on the green. Stop whining and put the ball!

[haha]

I am not surprised this gets no acceptance here. People here often do not have all those difficult human feelings that make others' lives tricky. And a retired guy does not spend his day climbing his club squash ladder.

To me, the only surprising thing is that anyone might think he or she could go on permanent leave and not get resentment or other perhaps more basic difficulties out of a spouse.

People here do take solo retirement while married, but they tend to make themselves into household slaves, especially the men, to avoid this sort of blowback. Blowback that few who are even remotely in touch with social reality would not expect.

I'd say, Buddie, you are SOL, she has all the cards from now on. See if you can sell that squash raquet!

Ha

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I am not surprised this gets no acceptance here. People here do not have all those difficult human feelings that make other lives tricky.

When do you get that hip operation? Do you expect it to improve your general outlook on mankind?

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I am not surprised this gets no acceptance here. People here often do not have all those difficult human feelings that make others' lives tricky. And a retired guy does not spend his day climbing his club squash ladder. To me, the only surprising thing is that anyone might think he or she could go on permanent leave and not get resentment or other perhaps more basic difficulties out of a spouse. People here do take solo retirement while married, but they tend to make themselves into household slaves, especially the men, to avoid this sort of blowback. Blowback that few who are even remotely in touch with social reality would not expect. I'd say, Buddie, you are SOL, she has all the cards from now on. See if you can sell that squash raquet! Ha

I don't think you read the whole letter at the link.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever I don't think you read the whole letter at the link.

I didn't, you are correct. Edit. I did now read it. Seems to me this guy's rationale for how he wants to spend his life is very similar to some of our younger, more affluent members. If in fact the trust fund does exist, and it is adequate, her complaint gets very close to wanting to exercise dominion over her husband. This brings me to another one of my social criticisms, which I had better not get into.

Should have kept quiet. But like Wahoo wisely said, perhaps it will improve before long.

Ha

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo When do you get that hip operation? Do you expect it to improve your general outlook on mankind?

You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people. I have never seen so little man/woman conflict in real life. This is not to say I don't believe how people present themselves here; I do. It is clear that usually things are pretty conflict free on the home front for the huge majority of our members.

ha

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people. I have never seen so little man/woman conflict in real life. This is not to say I don't believe how people present themselves here; I do. It is clear that usually things are pretty conflict free on the home front for the huge majority of our members. ha

That's probably true. Our marriage has always been very easy going, and it got even better after ER. Of course, it is my second marriage - at least I was smart enough to terminate my first (and without children) while still in my 20s.

[robnplunder]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Huston55 When I play golf with my buddies (we're decent but not great golfers), it's sometimes the case that one of us hits a shot with a very, very good but not 'perfect' result. If that person then whines about it not being better when he should be grateful, we call him on it by saying, " Wheeeaaaaaahhhhhh! No whining." I'd offer this spouse the same advice. You're on the green. Stop whining and put the ball!

You said it! With billion bad things going on in the world, the couple's behavior (both husband & wife) lead me to believe they are pretty spoiled lot. At 30 something, I'd look for something meaningful to do with my life even I am well off. I simply believe the couple don't know what to do with their life, or how to spend their wealth to live it. Give me their money and I will donate to the Philippine typhoon victims.

[Ready]

Well, I've been semi-retired for six months now, and while I had the best of intentions to get involved in charity work and find a great cause to champion, I haven't done any of that yet. After being in the work force for 30 years straight without a break, I just feel like being lazy and having a lot of time to relax and enjoy life. I'm sure eventually the volunteer work and fighting for a great cause will come, but I have no desire to force it any sooner than it just naturally happens.

My partner, OTOH, still works full time, and has not completely gotten used to me having so much free time on my hands. Resentment might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but I don't know that he's completely thrilled about it. But he could easily cut back to part time if he wanted to, so that's his decision.

I feel no guilt about not working full time any more. I worked hard to get here, and I deserve it. If the woman writing the letter takes issue with her husband for feeling that way, that's really a shame.

[Amethyst]

She needs more servants, in addition to the nanny, to relieve her of the "domestic duties" unfairly levied on her while she works.

Unless he refuses to pay for a maid, cook, etc. (since apparently they can afford it), it's unfair to refer to doing what he wants all day as "dicking around." Doing what we want all day is what forum members aspire to.

Amethyst

[Sesq]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Doing what we want all day is what forum members aspire to.

Big time.

I have to say, books, movies, squash, golf - not exactly what I'd pick, but not bad at all.

[marko]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people.

+1. A recent interview with Robin Williams stated that he had to go back to work (recent TV show) not in small part due to being essentially broke through three divorces!

[ziggy29]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha You are probably right. I do think, though, that unusually easy going marriage attitudes may be one of the things that make ER possible for many people.

Could be. I think it does make life a lot easier when both partners are low maintenance as my wife and I are.

[Katsmeow]

I found this letter and response interesting. It is about a wife who is still working and upset that her DH early retired (with lots of money) in his 30s. He is OK with her retiring as well, but that does not make her happy. Somehow I doubt she will be joining this forum. Would be interesting if her DH joined though....

Dear Prudence: My husband retired young and goofs off all day.

[REWahoo]

This "Dear Prudence" letter already has a thread: http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...ire-69258.html

[rodi]

I liked the response.

A friend was in the same place - her husband retired in his mid-30's after selling company. She chose to continue work for another 15 years - but recently joined him. She knew it was her choice to keep working.