Am I Over Reacting? Advice Needed

[Buckeye]

As a condition of owning a boat make him promise to wear a life jacket at all times. There are lifejackets now that inflate when the user hits the water, easy to wear. Having a lifejacket in the boat isn't good enough.

A canoeist/kayaker fell in toa shallow lake in our area yesterday and drowned. Not wearing a lifejacket.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he can't be trusted to do what needs to be done without supervision and she knows it.

+1 on the life insurance but what if he just ends up staying under water long enough to turn into a vegetable instead of dying? To me, disability due to doing stupid stuff is much more of an issue than death. I'll get over the death in a year or two.

I don't want to be left taking care of DH for 20 years, ruining my life and my finances, because he was too immature or lazy or arrogant to do the right thing. I'll be happy to take care of him if he is disabled due to something out of his control but I'm not sure what I would do if he became disabled because of a stupid choice (like not putting on his safety belt or jaywalking across a 6-lane road, for example).

 

[Ronstar]

...Does any retirees here own a boat and what are the expenses? I would appreciate any input.

We live on a small lake and I have a 16' pontoon boat. No trailer. I have a guy put it in the lake in the spring and pull it out in the fall. I pay $35 each time. Other expense is registration and maybe $50 in gas a year. Maybe $30 per year in maintenance. So my boat expenses are maybe $200 per year.

In your case, it doesn't sound like the $2k is a lot of money for a boat. But maintenance, storage, fuel, etc can really add up for a bigger boat, especially an older boat. I would ask your DH what the expenses will be for his boat, and discuss from there

 

[brewer12345]

Unfortunately, it sounds like he can't be trusted to do what needs to be done without supervision and she knows it.

I'd say that is pretty insulting. She does not go with him most of the time. For all she knows he ties the boat to the pier and goes to the nearest [-]titty bar[/-] gentleman's club. At some point, every adult earns the right to do as they please. If they have no minor kids and the spouse is set up financially, exactly why can either of them not take whatever foolish chances they wish to hazard? Sometimes there s personal satisfaction in taking risks, foolish though it may appear to the observer.

The far bigger issue is that they need to agree how to spend the communal money and not resort to arguments and resentment.

 

[martyb]

You REALLY wouldn't like me, then. I've owned several boats, that would be classified as "fishing" boats. Actually, bass boats. The last new one I bought cost $23,000, and that was in 1999. I bought a smaller used one about 7 years later, for $6000. After I retire sometime this year, I plan to buy another one, either new or slightly used, and expect to pay around $30,000 - $35,000. My wife is ok with this because she understands my love of fishing and knows it makes me happy. Personally, I'd be nervous about paying ONLY $2000 for any boat I was planning to take out in "big" water where the winds can blow really hard and a storm can come from out of nowhere fast. A used boat in this price range is usually prone to have mechanical issues, either on the boat itself or the motor. It can get very expensive, but my biggest concern would be in the expected reliability. You don't want to be miles from nowhere on the water and have a mechanical failure. Of course, it is entirely possible that a cheap used boat can be found that would run perfectly and need minimal repairs for awhile, but remember that EVERYTHING that is mechanical is going to break down at some point and need fixing. Boat & outboard motor repairs are in no way inexpensive. I'm glad my wife wants me to be safe on the water and to be happy in my hobby of fishing/boating and supports my judgement when it comes to buying my equipment. A boat of questionable reliability can put a person in a dangerous situation easily. If I were going to be fishing off shore of any distance in a lake the size of Erie, you can bet it would be with a boat that I knew would bring me back home safely. Just my 2 cents, and of course more than anybody asked for.

 

[brewer12345]

You REALLY wouldn't like me, then. I've owned several boats, that would be classified as "fishing" boats. Actually, bass boats. The last new one I bought cost $23,000, and that was in 1999. I bought a smaller used one about 7 years later, for $6000. After I retire sometime this year, I plan to buy another one, either new or slightly used, and expect to pay around $30,000 - $35,000.

This all makes my temptation to spend $400 on a new rifle and $600 on a new shotgun sound damn reasonable.

 

[Co2012]

Unfortunately, it sounds like he can't be trusted to do what needs to be done without supervision and she knows it.

+1 on the life insurance but what if he just ends up staying under water long enough to turn into a vegetable instead of dying? To me, disability due to doing stupid stuff is much more of an issue than death. I'll get over the death in a year or two.

I don't want to be left taking care of DH for 20 years, ruining my life and my finances, because he was too immature or lazy or arrogant to do the right thing. I'll be happy to take care of him if he is disabled due to something out of his control but I'm not sure what I would do if he became disabled because of a stupid choice (like not putting on his safety belt or jaywalking across a 6-lane road, for example).

That is my feelings exactly about living recklessly and it is through arrogance on my husband's part. I tell him all the time, if he hurts himself being reckless, he going to find himself in a nursing home because I'm not taking care of him. He just laughs and does not believe me. It's not only fishing but many things. I honestly think he thinks he's still young and is stronger than he is.

My husband does has several life jackets but he very seldom wears it. It scared him after my BIL fell in the water and for a while he did wear his jacket but the fear has worn off and he's back to his old ways.

 

[Co2012]

We live on a small lake and I have a 16' pontoon boat. No trailer. I have a guy put it in the lake in the spring and pull it out in the fall. I pay $35 each time. Other expense is registration and maybe $50 in gas a year. Maybe $30 per year in maintenance. So my boat expenses are maybe $200 per year.

In your case, it doesn't sound like the $2k is a lot of money for a boat. But maintenance, storage, fuel, etc can really add up for a bigger boat, especially an older boat. I would ask your DH what the expenses will be for his boat, and discuss from there

Thanks. That is really helpful info.

I did ask him what the expense would be and he said it would be no other expense than what he is paying now. But I don't think he knows and I know for a fact that he has not asked my BIL. I kind of get the feeling it's more than my husband thinks. I asked my sister why not sell it to my brother and she said she knew he could not afford to take care of it. I have already made up my mind to ask her more about it.

But as I said, there is more involved than just the expenses.

Thanks again.

 

[Co2012]

I'd say that is pretty insulting. She does not go with him most of the time. For all she knows he ties the boat to the pier and goes to the nearest [-]titty bar[/-] gentleman's club. At some point, every adult earns the right to do as they please. If they have no minor kids and the spouse is set up financially, exactly why can either of them not take whatever foolish chances they wish to hazard? Sometimes there s personal satisfaction in taking risks, foolish though it may appear to the observer.

The far bigger issue is that they need to agree how to spend the communal money and not resort to arguments and resentment.

That's kind of how he feels. He says that you got to go some way. He feels that way about himself but when it comes to me, he acts like an over protective father.

 

[brewer12345]

That's kind of how he feels. He says that you got to go some way. He feels that way about himself but when it comes to me, he acts like an over protective father.

Then figure out a way to connect with him and help him understand that you worry about him and don't want to lose him/have to deal with a vegetable. The trick is that you will have to do so without letting any resentment you may have show through, as that will end any chance for communication.

I mostly hunt alone, sometimes in pretty tame circumstances, but not infrequently at 8,000+ feet elevation in varying weather conditions (snowstorm, 40+ MPH winds, etc.). I know that doing so is inherently risky and I have small children, so I never venture into more challenging circumstances without gear to make it a few days in the woods on my own, I tell my wife where I am going and when I will be back, and I am very conservative when I am out there (a broken ankle keeping you in the woods overnight when it will be 5F is nothing I want to risk). Honestly, if my kids were adults and DW in strong financial circumstances without me, I would take more chances than I do now. Not crazy chances, but I would be more risk tolerant. I am not crazy (most of the time), there is just something about conquering challenges that makes me feel alive. This is likely what you are confronting. Can't help you with how to get the message through, but maybe this will help you understand what your husband may be feeling about this.

 

[InParadise]

That is my feelings exactly about living recklessly and it is through arrogance on my husband's part. I tell him all the time, if he hurts himself being reckless, he going to find himself in a nursing home because I'm not taking care of him. He just laughs and does not believe me. It's not only fishing but many things. I honestly think he thinks he's still young and is stronger than he is.

My husband does has several life jackets but he very seldom wears it.

I confess I am torn in so many directions on this thread. On the one hand, your DH's behavior sounds like Dad's in his deteriorating years. As he felt his control disappear over his health, his ability to determine his life, he became more aggressive and more reckless. OMG the driving! The financial decisions!

And I've had to fight with DH, an insulin dependent diabetic since his teens, to let me in on his health. Conditioned by fighting with a nagging controlling mom, he resisted giving me any information, saying it was "his" to deal with, but when I told him it would be mine to deal with too if he had a stroke and became disabled, he recognized the validity of my interest. He handles his diabetes well, but I am the one who buys the food, and as a spouse I have a right to take an interest.

But he is so risk adverse, and drives me nuts with the micro management. One piece of contention is my solo kayaking on our sweet mostly shallow creek with occasional class 1 and rarely 2 rapids. Most of the time this creek is only halfway to my knee, and if I dumped the life jacket I keep at my back would not help much if it were on. There is the possibility that a helmet may come in handy at some point, but that is more possible than probable and an absolute that it would greatly minimize my pleasure. I am not stupid, and I know how to read the creek. If there is any sort of potential danger ahead, if the rapid I am about to run is more than a riffle, I put my jacket on.

I had never heard of those life jackets that inflate upon impact with the water. A quick Google showed this: Amazon.com: Onyx 133200-100-004-12 3205A-24 Vest: Sports & Outdoors Heck, I might even wear that. Birthday present?

You guys need to work this out with respect, but first you need to figure out what your complaint really is. Health? Money? Time spent apart? You continuing to work and his feeling you can't afford what you want but what he wants is OK? You both seem to have a boat load of issues with each other. I would not ignore this, and if need be go to someone who can help guide the discussion.

 

[Buckeye]

I'd say that is pretty insulting. She does not go with him most of the time. For all she knows he ties the boat to the pier and goes to the nearest [-]titty bar[/-] gentleman's club. At some point, every adult earns the right to do as they please. If they have no minor kids and the spouse is set up financially, exactly why can either of them not take whatever foolish chances they wish to hazard? Sometimes there s personal satisfaction in taking risks, foolish though it may appear to the observer.

The far bigger issue is that they need to agree how to spend the communal money and not resort to arguments and resentment.

I agree my comment is a bit harsh but I still think it's true.

I don't believe as a married adult I am entitled to take "whatever foolish chance I wish to hazard" even if there are no minor children and the finances are in order. I can definitely act more risky with those conditions met but I'm in a partnership and I feel obligated to consider the impact my disability or death would have on the quality of life of my spouse/life partner. I also consider the impact on my family members. My death or disability would be devastating to my mother and my sister and would negatively impact their quality of life.

 

[aja8888]

Co2012:

Maybe you can talk him into a motorcycle instead of the boat? At least he won't be in deep, unfriendly water.

 

[Co2012]

I agree my comment is a bit harsh but I still think it's true.

I don't believe as a married adult I am entitled to take "whatever foolish chance I wish to hazard" even if there are no minor children and the finances are in order. I can definitely act more risky with those conditions met but I'm in a partnership and I feel obligated to consider the impact my disability or death would have on the quality of life of my spouse/life partner. I also consider the impact on my family members. My death or disability would be devastating to my mother and my sister and would negatively impact their quality of life.

I could not have said it better. I realize the sense of loss my family would feel if something were to happen to me and feel a certain sense of responsible to take care of myself.

 

[Moemg]

You guys need to work this out with respect, but first you need to figure out what your complaint really is. Health? Money? Time spent apart? You continuing to work and his feeling you can't afford what you want but what he wants is OK? You both seem to have a boat load of issues with each other. I would not ignore this, and if need be go to someone who can help guide the discussion.

Totally agree !

 

[sheehs1]

+1

Ditto +1. (for the life insurance)

When I started reading this thread my initial reaction was "Oh..jeezzzz......let him have his boat". The more I read it became clear there are other resentments and fears.

I promise you, if he is as excited as a little boy over this boat, you don't want to squelch that and have his resentment coming your way if he is not able to get it.

Best to have a conversation about how you BOTH get your needs/wants met where spending the money is concerned. The cost of this boat appears to be far cheaper than an addition or even new furniture so I'm not sure the comparison is a fair one financially. Perhaps you negotiate that you get an equal amount of what he spends on the boat, both initially and ongoing.

And ask him to wear a life jacket...even if you know he won't. Hence, triple the life insurance. That way you are covered if something happens to him. Make it part of the "deal".

 

[Co2012]

Two happy campers here. I wanted to wait until later to when I had more time to post but I could not wait.

I took your advice. I took hubby on a nice long walk this morning. (Thankfully the sidewalks are not as snow covered as it has been).
I waited until we had both reached a nice mellow mood and the conversation was good. I then brought the subject up. I was surprised how well it went.

I told him my fears, what I had learned on line (I did not tell him where--don't know how he'd feel about that). I explained my safety issues and explained the finances the best I could from what I had read here. I also mentioned what someone said about license requirements. This prompted me to look it up. I found that he does not need a license but some kind of certificate that he has earned from online classes. This he did not like because he does not know much about the computer. I have tried to teach him but he never has time because of you know what. When he does decides to get back to it he's forgotten what he has learned.

So, we have compromised. We are going buy a new and bigger aluminum boat and a gas motor (instead of the electric one he uses). He admits this is really all he needs because of his joy fishing the local ponds. Also, I told him I would try to fish with him at least once a week provided he drives more reasonably. That is the main reason I stopped going. I cannot tolerate high speed anymore. (80-85) It used to not bother me but now that I'm older ...

He is so happy. He has been whistling all morning. I even heard him tell a friend that he had thought it over and decided it made more sense for him buy a new aluminum boat and equipment. I just smiled to myself wondering if I have been played. If so, I don't mind to see him so happy.

Thanks to all who helped me. I'm so happy I came here with this. I feel like a huge boulder has been lifted. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

[martyb]

That sounds like a great idea, for several different reasons! Congratulations, and enjoy the time on the water with your hubby!

 

[InParadise]

Congrats on having the guts to start the talk, and keeping your emotions in check so a quality talk could happen.

 

[Retirement Nerd]

The Happiest Days

My husband wants to buy a boat. My Brother in Law is going to sell him his used boat for $2000.

$2,000 is not a bad deal on a boat. However, I am reminded of the statement; "The two happiest days in a man's life is when he buys a boat, and when he sells it."

 

[Brat]

Assuming he is buying a new aluminum boat have him take it to a boatyard and have the hull treated/painted. Aluminum oxidizes. Don't assume that because it is an aluminum hull it is good to go.

Watch out for electrolysis from the battery.

 

[Co2012]

Assuming he is buying a new aluminum boat have him take it to a boatyard and have the hull treated/painted. Aluminum oxidizes. Don't assume that because it is an aluminum hull it is good to go.

Watch out for electrolysis from the battery.

Thank you Brat. I appreciate the info.

 

[chris2008]

Well done! Congrats to you and DH.

 

[38Chevy454]

Give a man a beer and he drinks it, teach him to fish and he drinks beer every day!

Back to the OP, glad you got it worked out. I think doing what you want, in this case fishing, is what retirement is for. So let him be happy, and you continue with your activities when he is fishing. Then when he and you are home do things together, like cooking up those fish he caught!

 

[heeyy_joe]

How are we supposed to believe any of this -it's a fishing story!

 

[pb4uski]

Two suggestions. Most new boats are overpriced and poor values - it would be much better to get a gently used boat and motor.

I've been around boats my whole life. Aluminum boats and outboards are very durable as long as they are not abused so IMO there is no need to buy new - used is a much better value.

Second, if you are only using the aluminum boat in fresh water, IMO there is no need to do anything special to the hull. We painted ours occasionally but that was more for looks than any need to protect the aluminum. In fact, many aluminum boats, particularly smaller ones never see paint in my experience.