Dating advice?

[Sojourner]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst C'mon, at 58?! Srsly? If OP were 48 I could see it, but 58 is retirement territory. Nobody ever questions that I'm retired except to say that I look "too young to be retired," and that just means I have a figure and dye my hair (instead of the silly stereotype they have in their minds).

But my whole answer was premised on the fact that OP himself said he doesn't want to reveal that he's retired at 58 and he's honest to a fault. I was only pointing out that if he says he's retired, there will be some women who jump to the conclusion that he's wealthy, which he also said he wants to avoid. It's a Catch-22. Personally, I would have no problem saying I'm retired (or perhaps "semi-retired") at age 58.

[RunningBum]

"My job went away (true even if you were the one who decided to make it go away), and I took a good look and decided I could stop working as long as I am careful with my money." = you aren't a bum, nor a sugar daddy.

Where to find someone who can travel with you? That's tougher. Teacher for summers. Flight attendant. Don't forget too that at your age, many will be retiring in not too many years so if you're looking long term it will eventually work out.

[GravitySucks]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Yes, and

And I wasn't looking at the time.
I'm probably rushing in to soon as it is.

[GravitySucks]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst C'mon, at 58?! Srsly? If OP were 48 I could see it, but 58 is retirement territory. Nobody ever questions that I'm retired except to say that I look "too young to be retired," and that just means I have a figure and dye my hair (instead of the silly stereotype they have in their minds).

Honestly other than here I know no one under 62 that retired. The coworkers that were RIF ed had to find other work or were already well over 60.

[GravitySucks]

So on reflection, my problem is more a lack of dating experience than just the ER status.
More than likely the previous relationships ending how they did will probably scare off more women than the lack of ambition. I'd have a hard time dating someone with this baggage.[emoji848]

Guess I'll just try having some fun and let things fall as they may.

[RobbieB]

Yeah, go on some dates and have some fun. The practice is worth it too. After 30 years of marriage I needed a little practice.

[Hamlet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunningBum "My job went away (true even if you were the one who decided to make it go away), and I took a good look and decided I could stop working as long as I am careful with my money." = you aren't a bum, nor a sugar daddy

+1

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sojourner I was only pointing out that if he says he's retired, there will be some women who jump to the conclusion that he's wealthy, which he also said he wants to avoid. It's a Catch-22.

Simply put, I am a retired gentleman of modest but independent means.

In other words, I have enough $$'s for me, but not for two. She has to bring her own dollars to the party.

[Car-Guy]

Just be honest, but careful.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunningBum "My job went away (true even if you were the one who decided to make it go away), and I took a good look and decided I could stop working as long as I am careful with my money." = you aren't a bum, nor a sugar daddy.

I may steal this when I start on-line dating- not ready yet. The OP doesn't even need "my job went away"- it could just be "I worked as (previous career) but had a lot of other things I wanted to do with my life and decided I could stop working as long as I am careful with money". I like that last part because I'm concerned about attracting moochers.

[Souschef]

I was blessed to find someone who loved to travel and was retired. When we were first seeing each other, she got a fortune cookie that read, "You will set foot on many strange lands". At that point she did not even have a passport
She still has that fortune in her passport case, 42 countries and 10 years later.
As far as finances, at the time I was still wor%%ing, as I had to have my late wife's medical covered. After she passed away, I still continued for lack of anything else to do.
Then I met DW, who was financially struggling in the aftermath of her husband's passing. She was very up front about her situation, but I hung back for obvious reasons. When we got really serious, I let her look at my balance sheet, just to be aboveboard about everything.
She then revealed her finances to me. The reason she held back was that her older son warned her not to tell anyone what she had, which I thought was reasonable advice.

[Amethyst]

Curious, what is with this big fear of moochers/gold diggers? How could they even get that far with us? It seems like there would be very early clues...never picking up a check, for instance. And then there would have to be a talk.

[imokurok]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GravitySucks So DGF has been gone for six months now and I'm getting a bit lonely. Friends and family have been wonderful, but there's nothing like the company of a good woman. I went online and was just about to delete the account when a woman contacted me and we made a date to have coffee. It went well ( going hiking and dinner tomorrow) but things got uncomfortable when the What Do You Do subject came up. At first I could sense she thought unemployed bum, so I tried to explain that I don't have to or want to work, but then I felt like I was bragging, then worse thought I was opening myself up way too much. How do you explain your situation to new people? Another issue I can see is most women my age are working full time. DGF was in the underground economy so time off was no problem. It was also an uneven relationship monetarily - not that I minded. I'm off to travel for the next few months. I don't know any women that can take off like that other than the unemployed or much older. How do you find companions in the same boat? I don't want to date ten years younger or ten years older. What's a boy to do?

Thankfully I'm not in this situation, but I've thought about "the explanation" after I FIRE.
"What do you do?"
"I'm a private investor."
"Do you have a lot of money?"
"I do okay."

I don't want their money, and not looking to hang out with anyone that wants mine.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Curious, what is with this big fear of moochers/gold diggers? How could they even get that far with us? It seems like there would be very early clues...never picking up a check, for instance. And then there would have to be a talk.

I don't really see a problem either. If you are dating for love, ok, you don't want to be played. But if you balance the overall books ( money, emotion,sex, fun, etc.) monthly or so, who cares? Don't worry about small amounts of money, if you are a guy you will seem hopelessly tight-fisted, and it does cost her more than little to look good, which most of us men do appreciate. Don't forget that most pastimes are not free, so why should dating be free? Personally, I am not interested in the eating out of meals, or rides on the Ferris wheel. And I wish I could get a lifetime pass to avoid the annual or semiannual zoo trips. These things would be terminally boring were it not that one is doing them with an attractive woman. A risk is that if you fall in love, then BF or GF gets into trouble you feel crappy if you don't help, but can also feel played if you do depending on circumstances and how things turn out.

I would never give a P & L to a date or a GF. If she really wants to know, let her hire a PI. If you are a man, stay in shape, keep your nails clean, wear gloves if you work on cars, shave and shower, and if you can, learn to dance. Oh, also keep your apartment or home neat.

Save your financial status for your banker.


Ha

[Souschef]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I would never give a P & L to a date or a GF. If she really wants to know, let her hire a PI. If you are a man, stay in shape, keep your nails clean, wear gloves if you work on cars, shave and shower, and if you can, learn to dance. Oh, also keep your apartment or home neat. Save your financial status for your banker. Ha

I agree if it is a date or GF, but when it becomes a serious relationship there has to be some idea of what each of you has.

[GravitySucks]

Really more an I don't want to be seen as a potential moocher. As for scammers and gold diggers ask any of our LEO members if they've ever heard of people getting taken for thousands over the Internet. Not too worried, but don't want to be taken for a meal ticket either.

Fun Fact - Talking with DGFs friend about her online dating. She called Tinder her free dinner app. Act a little interested and guys would take her to all the places she could never afford.

I'm a bit old fashioned, so I will be intending on paying for the first few dates. I'm not a cheapskate. However, It was nice to have the young lady offer to pay for her half of the check and to follow up with a can I at least get the tip when I refused.

[Nemo2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GravitySucks I'm a bit old fashioned, so I will be intending on paying for the first few dates.

How about initially meeting for a coffee or a walk or a museum or somesuch?

Me, I corresponded by e-mail with women before meeting them; wanted to get their measure, (at least partially), beforehand.

DW & I, even once the first levels of a potential relationship were underway, walked and talked and walked and talked and......

I found out who she was, and likewise she determined who I was.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sojourner Well... I like me, too, but I think we all know that 100% honesty doesn't typically work well in the dating game. Obviously you want to avoid outright duplicity, but I see absolutely no harm in saying that you're some sort of consultant, or (as someone else suggested) a private wealth manager. The last one is very strictly true, and the first one is vague enough not to be a lie. IMHO, complete and total honesty will not get you very far in the dating world, but YMMV. Consider this hypothetical first date banter: She: "So what do you do for a living?" You: "I was an (X) for many years, but I'm retired now." She: "Wow, you're retired? But you're only 58! Are you rich or something?" You:

So this was an honest unfiltered answer,isn't that what you are looking for..give a very short answer that says you aren't rich.you saved and planned for a long time to live in a way you value. She will either ask intelligent questions and show interest,or say I'd like that but my car just got repoed and I just bought my 500th pair of shoes..why play games

[GravitySucks]

Yes Nemo. Tomorrow I am picking a date up and going to a beautiful State Park. We both enjoy hiking. Followed up with a dinner at a restaurant where I've never eaten before.
I want someone to share what I enjoy and have no problem springing for dinners and concert or movie tickets.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Curious, what is with this big fear of moochers/gold diggers? How could they even get that far with us? It seems like there would be very early clues...never picking up a check, for instance. And then there would have to be a talk.

I'm more concerned about the real pros, who seek out wealthy widows. They drive nice cars, pick up the check at fancy restaurants, send them flowers the next day... and when they've reeled them in, they tell them about this can't fail investment opportunity in their business. Sure, I'd dump the guy at that point but by then it's a big emotional hit because you trusted someone and they weren't worthy of it.

And yes, I HAVE watched too many episodes of American Greed. In general, though, I'm very cautious about displaying any indications of high net worth. My everyday wear is so casual people probably think my Rolex is fake.