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Dependent Support question
Old 06-19-2017, 08:14 PM   #1
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Dependent Support question

Iím curious to see if Iím in the minority or majority with this issue.

How many of you provide substantial support for your children. DW and I provide a large portion of support for our son. In addition to paying for his cell phone, we pay his car payment and insurance. We also provide rent and food but not every month like the other items. Rent and food are couple times per quarter.

No he is not drug dependent or have health issues. He works full time, recently changing jobs after 4 years elsewhere. He does not have a college education or skill training. Tried college several times but couldnít hack it. He is 37y/o unmarried.

Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation?
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:24 PM   #2
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We told our kids in early high school that when they were 18 they were legally adult and would be expected to be financially independent or working quickly to that goal by working thru college. We helped through college yrs and then only very rarely after that. All have matured and done well enough financially to no longer need our help.
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:30 PM   #3
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My son lives rent free in a townhouse I own. Beyond that he's on his own. It's kind of a complicated situation so I'm not going to explain or justify it any more than that, but I'm fine with it, plus I got a good deal on a foreclosure in good shape in a growing area, so it should be an ok investment.


I suspect we may be in the minority, but that's ok with me.
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:57 PM   #4
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I do not support my daughter but I certainly chip in a lot . I overdid it after my Son died so now I keep it a lower level .She will inherit it all anyway so I might as well help why I am alive .
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:08 PM   #5
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My son knew he was responsible for buying his first car and paying his car insurance and gas. So at 15 he had a part time job. No cell phone (it was 1994), but he would have had to pay expenses for that too.

My stepson dropped out on high school at 17 preferring to work vs school. He then had to pay us rent for his room and board. No school, no free ride.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:25 PM   #6
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I'm still paying for cell phone plans for both kids but not cell phones. Until my second daughter is employed full time, I'm still paying for car insurance, health insurance and gas money.
Last year when oldest daughter has cash flow problem with her business, I did lend them $10k without interest. They paid it all back now.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:44 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Bflotomny View Post
I’m curious to see if I’m in the minority or majority with this issue.

How many of you provide substantial support for your children. DW and I provide a large portion of support for our son. In addition to paying for his cell phone, we pay his car payment and insurance. We also provide rent and food but not every month like the other items. Rent and food are couple times per quarter.

No he is not drug dependent or have health issues. He works full time, recently changing jobs after 4 years elsewhere. He does not have a college education or skill training. Tried college several times but couldn’t hack it. He is 37y/o unmarried.

Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation?
If he meets your definition of a good boy, give it to him.Not everyone is college material. As long as you dont think your hindering him from his almost full potential give it to him while your still alive. And to further answer your question you are not alone we had a similar thread recently.
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Old 06-19-2017, 10:17 PM   #8
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Some people just have a hard time so helping is great if you can do it and some people are just terrible with money and thus need more guidance. You know your son best, so it is just a matter of while you are around, you prepare him for a time when you won't be able to. Nothing wrong with helping family.
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Old 06-19-2017, 10:26 PM   #9
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I'm still supporting both kids... housing, food, cell phones, clothing... But they're only 14 and 16.

There's no one size fits all for parenting decisions. Some kids are more self sufficient early on, some aren't. Just like some kids are better students, some kids help with chores (without prompts) while others need to be asked to help out. Parents have to find the interaction that works for them and their kids.

I read a statistic recently that over 1/2 of kids age 18-34 are still living at home or dependents of their parents.
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Old 06-19-2017, 10:35 PM   #10
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WOW....

My son is in college so he has a paid for car and we 'pay' insurance... I say that as the money goes out of my account, but I take it off of what I have told him I am willing to chip in for his college education... once he gets to the max he is on his own... he is taking student loans and working right now so as of this month I only provide car and health insurance... I will be sending money in the fall when he goes back to college...


My DD is 13... SHE had to pay for her phone, but I do pay for the 'plan' which is Tracfone at like $13 per month... she will probably get my 8 YO car when she is old enough to drive and I will buy a new one... she will need to keep it running through college as she will be in the same boat as DS...


I would not feel successful as a parent if I had to continue to pay for their lifestyle after graduating from college... so I do not plan to do it for anything.... as always YMMV...
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:02 AM   #11
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We told the kids that they would have support for tuition, books and rent while they were in school. We gave an allowance for food and supplies for their first year. Bought a car for DS and paid his insurance for the first year, so he could learn how to work (this was during his first year of college). The reality of the matter was that DS did work for 18 months or so when the economy of 2009-10 closed the business he worked for, and he struggled to find something for nearly a year. Didn't want him on the street, so we gave him an allowance again. But eventually, during a visit, I noticed all the help wanted signs at supermarkets, Home Depot, Lowes, literally everywhere where he was living, so I gave him an ultimatum: one more month with a full allowance, the next month he would have a 25% haircut, same for the following 3 months when he'd no longer have support. He found a job that next week.

Our DD and DSIL live in SF where rents are astronomical. She works odd hours...8:30am - 10pm with a couple hrs off somewhere, twice a week, and 8:30-2:30 twice a week, so living an hour out of the city where rent is more reasonable isn't an option. We DO NOT contribute any cash to their finances. However, we know when they are struggling...they bring their ice chest when they come for a visit every second or third weekend. We send any excess food from our freezer home with them, and sometimes fill their gas tank. That said, DD still uses the bank acct I set up for her when she was going off to college. I don't spy on her, but since she hasn't deleted me from her acct, I can see that she is accumulating, when I look at my acct (I can see and deposit money into her acct, she cannot see mine, but there was only ever enough in that bank acct to take care of the kids' schooling anyway).

As for a 37 y.o.? Nope, I would have had that one off the payroll a long time ago. IMO, you have a problem here. What happens when you die, and there's nothing left, for whatever reason? He won't have learned how to fully take care of himself. I don't think you really want that...just sayin. My 29 yo son has been off the payroll for years, and 25 yo DD, while we still pass some food their way from time to time, was off the payroll before he was (she got married just before age 20, while still in college, and yes, she finished college).
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:33 AM   #12
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I still support the DS#3 in college, phone, medical, rent, food, books, etc. No car. I give him a deposit twice a year. He has to budget. He chooses to spend less and laze about, rather than pick up a job. He knows he has four years for college and after that the checks stop. DS#1 was similar, but not quite as lazy. He flew out of the nest and is doing quite well. DS#2 didn't go to college. I passed on a car to DDIL.

My basic feeling is that I would only cover the very basic needs if it came down to that. I wouldn't cover rent for a 37 y.o. unless there was some extreme event. He has to budget and adjust to his paycheck.
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:09 AM   #13
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We bought DD a car when she graduated from college and provide some assistance on this and that. We gave my son some $ to help with a down payment when they moved to a larger house nearby. Both kids are very frugal and trustworthy and saving for retirement. They don't expect anything from us.
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:37 AM   #14
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We paid for our kids tuition and room while they were in college, for a maximum of 5 years. Books, meals, and other expenses were on them. When they graduated we gave them substantial gifts, usually a good users car and one year of auto insurance.

Post graduation, if they are living at home, they pay rent - not "market rate", but enough for them to realize that living at home is not a freebie.

We had them on our phone plan, but they paid for their phone and line, which was usually cheaper than getting one on their own. However, all have now gotten their own plans.

All but one is out of college. We do not pay for anything for them. But we do give them nice birthday and Christmas gifts. When each turns 30 we give them a large cash gift.

Their skills with money vary. However, they all want to be independent and do not count on us for their finances. They were very surprised when we said we would take them on a family trip to Asia to visit one of their siblings and pay for it. At every meal they kept asking for our approval for what they wanted to order, I finally had to tell them they did not need to do that, just enjoy... and even with that they were careful in pricing the things we were paying for.

My general attitude is, as long as they are trying, if they encounter a financial situation we are willing to see if we can help on our terms (no guarantees). Sometimes just our advice has been more helpful than the money. If it is something that is not their fault - particularly accident or illness - we will definitely help. But, they are also aware that once I retire, we will not be able to provide the same level of help as we can now.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:03 AM   #15
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You never stop parenting

We underwrote college costs through baccalaureate for all five kids as long as they stuck with it. Four completed a bachelor's degree, and one did not. As someone else posted, college is NOT a good match for everyone.

Two are still in my house, but they both work full time and pay for their own stuff (car/phone/clothes/misc). We don't ask them to chip in for food/utilities/wi-fi/rent, but they do contribute a fair bit of labor.

Youngest two are still on my health and dental till they're 26 because it saves them WAY more than it costs me. I think this is our governing principle.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:16 AM   #16
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We paid for four years of college at expensive, "name" schools when they could have gone free to strong schools. All three got their bachelors (and two borrowed from us for their post-grad degrees--and are now in repayment).

Given that background and the fact that they are all married and making good to great money, we don't do anything material of a monetary nature now. (They are 28, 27, and 25.)

A major YMMV area. My situation is not OP's situation. Do what works for you and advances the kid's long-term benefit.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:32 AM   #17
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We have one at home and one in college. We pay for school as long as they are making progress and are making good life decisions based on our expectation. The young one will start his first job a couple of days a week this August and it is my intention to work on his saving skills and also value of money skills.

Oldest son just finished first year of college and is home for summer. He is working 40 hrs a week for about 7 weeks so he will have his spending money for next year. Was initially upset that he couldn't just hang out but thats not going to happen. He will be taking a car back to school this year that I am letting him use. He didn't have a car last year and had to figure it out. This year he will be responsible for the maintenance and the fuel. Beginning next summer he will also start paying half his phone bill and half insurance. Of course if he chooses to not come home next summer he will have to cover all summer costs. And if he comes home he must work full time. I kind of hope he comes home one more summer but then as a rising junior he starts doing something else during the summer breaks. The goal is that by the time he is a rising college senior he has all his bills and remembers how crappy those summers of manual labor jobs were in the hot sun. I could transfer his bills earlier but he is a college athlete so not much time to work. However he is doing what he should be so we are good for now. I tell him that I am passing his inheritance to him now.

I heard a Dave Ramsey discussion about leaving inheritance for kids and how his family handled it. He basically said that God had blessed his family and had entrusted him with managing Gods resources. He said that if his kids were not acting in a manner conducive to being trusted with Gods resources he couldn't in good conscience leave it to them to manage. This really got me thinking. Many on the board here has worked hard, made good choices, and how nice portfolios. If my kids aren't ready to handle it when the days come we will be giving it to someone else.
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:27 AM   #18
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. He is 37y/o unmarried.
I got cut off at 22, YMMV
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:40 AM   #19
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I got cut off at 22, YMMV
+1
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:49 AM   #20
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We underwrote college costs through baccalaureate for all five kids as long as they stuck with it. Four completed a bachelor's degree, and one did not. As someone else posted, college is NOT a good match for everyone.

Two are still in my house, but they both work full time and pay for their own stuff (car/phone/clothes/misc). We don't ask them to chip in for food/utilities/wi-fi/rent, but they do contribute a fair bit of labor.

Youngest two are still on my health and dental till they're 26 because it saves them WAY more than it costs me. I think this is our governing principle.

If it were cheaper for the kids to stay on the health plan I would be for that, but I would make them pay the delta...
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