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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-09-2006, 11:36 AM   #41
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Before I retired, my husband had his own consulting business that he ran out of the house. After a few years as we were saving plenty of money and our investments were doing very well, indicating we were approaching FI, he scaled back his business significantly.

This increased both our quality of lives tremendously. He was much less stressed and that lower stress spilled over to me.

He took on several household chores such as paying bills, taking care research for purchases, several much needed house maintenance projects, pet care - really anything that was time consuming or required someone to be at the house.

It made everything so much easier for me. I had a high-stress job and not having to plan or schedule stuff for home made such a huge difference.

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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-09-2006, 01:12 PM   #42
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

I retired in 1993 at age 39 and hubby retired in early 2005 at age 53. (we're currently 51 and 55)

While he was still working I did the vast majority of household chores including yardwork, shoveling snow, laundry, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying,etc. I got up every morning with him and made him breakfast and packed his lunch. He did the fix-it projects around the house (except plumbing/electricity) and changed the oil on the cars. My personal opinion was that I should try to match his hrs at work with hrs spent taking care of the home. I didn't need that many hrs to accomplish that and thus had extra time on my hands for hobbies and time with friends.

Since his retirement (he chooses to work part-time at 13 hrs/week) we do the cleaning and yardwork together. He is much better at cleaning while I do the better job on the yardwork. I do the laundry, cooking, and bill-paying while he still does the fix-it projects along with the car stuff. We're both quite outdoorsy so we spend a considerable amount of time walking, hiking, cutting firewood, snowshoeing....anything that gets and keeps us outside.

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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-09-2006, 01:45 PM   #43
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by RASAP
Somewhat related...

Some statements that my wife has shared with me that she has heard from some of her friends whose husbands have recently retired ...

1.* Your husband will constantly be in your way and you'll wish he was back at work.

2.* Your husband will be totally board within weeks and wish he was back at work.

I just don't get it!
My dad retired early and mom lasted three whole days before she went out and got the very first job of her entire life. Sixteen years later, she now has three part-time jobs and is more relaxed than I've ever seen her. Dad learned how to operate the microwave and vacuum cleaner...

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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-09-2006, 02:51 PM   #44
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Dh has been semi retired for 20 years now, has a seasonal job that brings in his money to play. At first he would get a little aggravated when I would ask him to do something that would require me to take a day off. Now he does all the cleaning, shopping, cooking and all tasks that can't be done on weekends. We still have those moments when I'll tell him the dog has a vet appt and he'll grumble, my comment is always "okay I can take a day off but that's one less vacation day in FL"... that usually puts him in a better frame mind about what ever task I'm asking of him.

The only thing he doesn't do is laundry, I don't mind doing it and it's safer if he doesn't .
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 04:57 PM   #45
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

I quit years before DH (he's got less than 6 months to go!) and I do pretty much everything. His one job (in addition to his w*rk) is to scrub the tub and I have to put up with a dirty tub most of the time in order not to nag him. I don't necessarily feel like a "cabin girl" but I sure don't have an incentive to get a bigger place to live.

Which brings up the other side of the "domestic adjustments" coin: I'm more worried about how things will be when we are both home. We get along great, but sometimes I worry that not having much time apart we'll get on each other's nerves.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 05:07 PM   #46
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
His one job (in addition to his w*rk) is to scrub the tub and I have to put up with a dirty tub most of the time in order not to nag him.
Would a water conditioner/demineralizer help the situation? It works wonders with our lime/calcium-filled water.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 05:15 PM   #47
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

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Originally Posted by shiny
I quit years before DH (he's got less than 6 months to go!) and I do pretty much everything.* His one job (in addition to his w*rk) is to scrub the tub and I have to put up with a dirty tub most of the time in order not to nag him.
I have a plan for you Shiny.*

Next time hubby gets all amorous, tell him you would love too, in fact you're practically going out of your mind with desire, but since you havenít been able to find bathroom conditions that allow you to feel clean and refreshed, you would be just too embarrassed to get naked with him.

If he is like most of us, henceforth you will be able to use the tub as a mirror..

Ha
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 06:52 PM   #48
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Easier: Just say "Hey, let's make love in the tub -- is it clean?"
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 07:42 PM   #49
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
Easier: Just say "Hey, let's make love in the tub -- is it clean?"
And my husband would say: "why clean it, it's going to get dirty anyway"
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 08:05 PM   #50
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha
And my husband would say: "why clean it, it's going to get dirty anyway"
Mr. Bubble: makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-26-2006, 11:31 PM   #51
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
I'm more worried about how things will be when we are both home.* We get along great, but sometimes I worry that not having much time apart we'll get on each other's nerves.
I'm wondering why you're visualizing being together more after retirement than before.* You'll be able to have all the time apart you wish.* If you're cutting your retirement budget so tight that you'll both need to just stay home all the time, you may be cutting it way too tight.*
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 12:22 PM   #52
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

DW and I have always had a lot different things that the other is not interested in - including TV programs, outdoor activities etc. (eg I love soccer, tennis etc and she loves going to school to learn languages, do genealogy etc). This hasn't been a problem over the last 33 years and we don't expect it to be after ER. You just have to plan for it.

She RE'ed 30 months ago and makes live really easy for me by doing a lot more chores that we used to share, including ironing, cleaning, cooking etc. This last 2 summers she has gone to England for 6 weeks so is enjoying some of the increased travel we both hope to do.

However, when I RE I don't expect us to spend huge amounts of time and risk getting under each other's feet - I will just have more time to do my outside things, and we will both be able to travel together a lot more.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 01:29 PM   #53
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Hey you guys, Thanks for the good advice about the tub!

Quote:
Originally Posted by youbet
I'm wondering why you're visualizing being together more after retirement than before. You'll be able to have all the time apart you wish. If you're cutting your retirement budget so tight that you'll both need to just stay home all the time, you may be cutting it way too tight.
This question seems a bit disingenuous to me, but I'll answer it anyway. Money is not an issue, we could live in separate households if we wished. Barring that, how could we not spend lots more time together when he is not working 60 hours a week and traveling an average of 5 nights per month?

Also, Alan, I think is is great that you and your wife have separate interests. That is something DH and I will have to work on. We are pretty much joined at the hip when we aren't working. Its been that way for 21 years. Early on we were so busy with school and work that we dedicated all of our free time to each other, its worked for us, but I think we will have to change a bit to stay sane.

The feeling that I might not have gotten across clearly is this: I enjoy being with DH, but sometimes I start feeling annoyed with him and really need some solitude. Now, while he's still working, I don't worry about it because he leaves for work and 2-3 hours later the annoyance passes and I'm ready to see him again. I just worry a bit that when we don't have time apart it will be more of an issue. (Not a huge marriage/life threatening issue, just a Domestic Adjustment - per the thread topic)
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 02:10 PM   #54
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

DH and I have gotten good at "being alone together." We might be in the same room (or the same bed), each on our own laptop doing our own thing, occsionally sharing a thought or something we read. Or we might go for a walk on the beach together, one of us may be dawdling and picking up shells (that would be me), or one of us may start walking faster for better exercise (oddly, that would also be me). Or we might be cooking in the kitchen at the same time, each making our own dishes, or one serving as a "galley slave" (washing, peeling, or chopping veg to order) or on clean-up duty. Or we might be sitting on the screen porch, me bird-watching or doing a crossword puzzle, him computing or reading a book. I might say, "I'm fixing some iced tea--want some?" He might say, "I feel like chips and salsa--want some? And would you make that salsa fresca?!" Or only one of us might be interested in a movie or TV show, and the other will normally be in the TV room too, using the laptop or reading. Sometimes we do errands or chores together, sometimes separately. Sometimes we'll put the kids or friends on speakerphone or hand the phone back & forth, sometimes we each have separate conversations with them on separate days. I think my husband annoys me LESS when we're together MORE.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 02:18 PM   #55
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
Hey you guys, Thanks for the good advice about the tub!
Glad to help-- when he's finished cleaning your tub, could you send him over to our house?

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
This question seems a bit disingenuous to me, but I'll answer it anyway. *Money is not an issue, we could live in separate households if we wished. *Barring that, how could we not spend lots more time together when he is not working *60 hours a week and traveling an average of 5 nights per month? *
The feeling that I might not have gotten across clearly is this: *I enjoy being with DH, but sometimes I start feeling annoyed with him and really need some solitude. * Now, while he's still working, I *don't worry about it because he leaves for work and 2-3 hours later the annoyance passes and I'm ready to see him again. *I just worry a bit that when we don't have time apart it will be more of an issue. *(Not a huge marriage/life threatening issue, just a Domestic Adjustment - per the thread topic)
Semantics. *In ER you have more choices about how you spend your time "together".

What Astro said. I'm surfing at least a couple mornings a week while spouse is somewhere else doing her own thing. *I spend an hour or two a day on the same recliner with her but we also work on honey-dos together or other activities. *We also have time when she's watching TV in one room and I'm working the computer in another. *We don't prepare food together in our kitchen (we take turns) but we eat meals together. *I've also noticed that it's well worth the effort to adjust my bedtime to hers, so I get up 3-4 hours earlier.

I've read of couples who have his & her home offices. *They might eat breakfast together or they each do their own meal and end up spending the day in their offices. *They meet for lunch or after work at the end of the day for drinks & dinner. *It's an arrangement where both feel they're preserving their marriage, their sanity, and their independence... whatever works for them!

For an extreme example of domestic adjustments after ER, look at Warren & Susie Buffett's lives-- nearly 30 years of married independent living. *Of course some will claim that he's still working, but I suspect that he's been playing ever since he quit working at a brokerage and borrowed family money to start a partnership...
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 02:27 PM   #56
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by astromeria
DH and I have gotten good at "being alone together." We might be in the same room (or the same bed), each on our own laptop doing our own thing, occsionally sharing a thought or something we read. Or we might go for a walk on the beach together, one of us may be dawdling and picking up shells (that would be me), or one of us may start walking faster for better exercise (oddly, that would also be me). Or we might be cooking in the kitchen at the same time, each making our own dishes, or one serving as a "galley slave" (washing, peeling, or chopping veg to order) or on clean-up duty. Or we might be sitting on the screen porch, me bird-watching or doing a crossword puzzle, him computing or reading a book. I might say, "I'm fixing some iced tea--want some?" He might say, "I feel like chips and salsa--want some? And would you make that salsa fresca?!" Or only one of us might be interested in a movie or TV show, and the other will normally be in the TV room too, using the laptop or reading. Sometimes we do errands or chores together, sometimes separately. Sometimes we'll put the kids or friends on speakerphone or hand the phone back & forth, sometimes we each have separate conversations with them on separate days. I think my husband annoys me LESS when we're together MORE.
That's what we do. If you rely on physical separation in order to achieve your personal space needs, it gets complicated. Much better for us to know when not to say anything and sort of blend into the vapor as needed.

We sometimes spend the whole weekend puttering about independently. When we pass in the hall by coincidence, I usually pinch her butt give her an affectionate pat or vice versa. What's kind of funny for two people who shared the same house continuously for the past 24 hours is that over dinner we'll "catch up."

Well, each couple figures this out in their own way. I'm happy we don't have to fly the coop when either one of us prefers to be alone.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 02:37 PM   #57
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
The feeling that I might not have gotten across clearly is this:* I enjoy being with DH, but sometimes I start feeling annoyed with him and really need some solitude.* *Now, while he's still working, I* don't worry about it because he leaves for work and 2-3 hours later the annoyance passes and I'm ready to see him again.* I just worry a bit that when we don't have time apart it will be more of an issue.* (Not a huge marriage/life threatening issue, just a Domestic Adjustment - per the thread topic)
I completely understand what you're thinking. I have the same concerns. There will definitely be some adjusting, as we have found out about already - thanks to a little "practice ER." We have not had enough togetherness time for so long - starting with a long-distance relationship, then his working 6-7 days and 60-70 hrs a week - that we still need to experiement to figure out how much togetherness is too much. By the end of a three-day weekend we usually get close. But that is because we often spend every minute of the weekend doing things together. When "together" time isn't as hard to come by, we will probably find a middle ground.
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 02:38 PM   #58
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rich_in_Tampa
That's what we do. If you rely on physical separation in order to achieve your personal space needs, it gets complicated. Much better for us to know when not to say anything and sort of blend into the vapor as needed.

We sometimes spend the whole weekend puttering about independently. When we pass in the hall by coincidence, I usually pinch her butt give her an affectionate pat or vice versa. What's kind of funny for two people who shared the same house continuously for the past 24 hours is that over dinner we'll "catch up."

Well, each couple figures this out in their own way. I'm happy we don't have to fly the coop when either one of us prefers to be alone.
I know 3 couples personally who opted to spend almost no time
together, and in fact own more than one residence to insure adequate
"space". *As far as I know it works well in all 3 marriages. *One guy told me
living apart actually "saved our marriage." *I don't get it but I am happy
if it works for them.

JG *
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 03:02 PM   #59
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
The feeling that I might not have gotten across clearly is this: I enjoy being with DH, but sometimes I start feeling annoyed with him and really need some solitude.
Are you an introvert?


"Caring for Your Introvert"

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER
Old 09-27-2006, 03:13 PM   #60
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Re: Domestic Adjustments after ER

Quote:
Originally Posted by eridanus
Are you an introvert?

"Caring for Your Introvert"
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
Thanks for the article! I can identify with the author who is an introvert at heart but is generally friendly and can make small talk pretty effortlessly. Maybe I will forward it to DH!
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