Embarrassed and guilty when asked...

[ExFlyBoy5]

I get it, OP. I'm 48. Saying I'm Retired to people outside immediate family and friends invites more discussion than I'm going to want to have. No, I don't want to have a whole discussion about my finances, and why I'm not "working" and what I do all day with people I don't know very well.


It's a very american thing to ask "what do you do?" as an intro. Other countries might view that as intrusive or at least not very personal, but in the US we are defined very much by what we do for a living.

People ask "what do you do" the say way they ask "how are you?" - they want a quick polite answer and move on.

So.. have a quick answer ready for "what do you do" - that gets past the inquiry and on to other topics. Your property manager line sounds perfect.

I'm a jewelry designer. I'm a woodworker. I'm a landscape designer. I'm a travel consultant. whatever works for you.

This. When I first retired, I struggled with how to answer the question. Inside, I wanted to SCREAM that I was retired, but I didn't want to come off as an entitled ass, either, so I didn't do that. For those that are in my life often (family and actual friends, not the social website kind) they know the truth. For the others, (like prying neighbors) I just say I w*rk from home. Most don't ask for me to expound and at that point, it's easy to shift the conversation to the ills of traffic or some other issue that the 'normal 9 to 5' folks deal with.

 

[Luck_Club]

Saying "Sshhh, they might be listening" can be effective.

I gotta try that.

 

[Danmar]

It's been 11 years for me and I don't get many such questions nowadays. But when I did I was proud to say I was retired. When I did get asked they seldom were satisfied with "retired" and ask what I did before I retired. I'm was proud of that too.

 

[kite_rider]

Great topic and good to see that I'm not the only one who feels awkward when asked what I do. What complicated the issue for me was DW strongly suggested that I say I'm on 'sabbatical' - I guess so I had an out if early retirement didn't work out. But I never was comfortable saying that and I don't recommend it.

Now that I've been FIRE'd for over 4 years it's getting easier to approach the conversation. My only weird paranoia is that some people don't buy my story. I get into a lot of conversations about the w*rk I used to do - I loved it and have tons of great memories and friends from it. But I had to be either 100% into it or not into at all. I couldn't find a part time way to do it. So people get these theories that 'something happened' and want to know the rest of the story....

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Hmmm, there are plenty of people sitting in jail looking at each other asking "what are you in for" and they are not embarrassed. There are people who plot and plan to be on public assistance simply because they don't want to work, and they are not embarrassed. And there are people who are willing to take 1.5 percent of your entire retirement income, and they are not embarrassed. And you are embarrassed?

Bwaaa, hahah, lol , Im dying.

 

[DrRoy]

Nope, doesn't bother me. When people comment that I am young to have retired (at 57) I just enjoy it.

 

[brett]

Same here.

I think that we spend far too much time worrying about what other people will think of us or our actions. Conformity is greatly overrated IMHO.

I don't really care what people think about our early retirement or how we spend it. We sometimes get comments for acquaintances or relatives but we pay very little attention to the comments. Life is too short to concern ourselves with what other people think. So we just say we retired early. And if they ask other questions we tell the truth. It came from hard work, long hours, living within our means, knowing an opportunity when we saw it and acting on the opportunity.

Others want the latest fashions, a new car or two new cars every three years, etc. We never cared about the Jones nor did we need a house full of new furniture or indeed the biggest house on the block. We made simply made different choices. All of a sudden we looked up and we were able to retire early and become masters of our own lives. It was that simple...plus we used our noggins along the way to make good as many good decisions and choices as possible.

What's to be embarrassed about or feel guilty about

 

[LOL!]

I'm not working anymore. You'll enjoy when you get here.

 

[Olbidness]

I'm somewhat ashamed when I tell people that I'm retired. It sounds like I'm bragging...because I am.

 

[braumeister]

I used to tell people I retired twice. True, since I retired from the military at 43 and retired from my second career at 55. Nobody ever batted an eye, probably because 55 wasn't really all that early, and most people understand that military retirees get a decent pension.

I have also used the "I do some consulting" line on occasion, since I actually did that for quite a few years after my second retirement. Of course, most of my consulting was for startups and I never charged them until they were making a decent profit, but there was no need to go into that much detail.

 

[Sojourner]

I think that we spend far too much time worrying about what other people will think of us or our actions. Conformity is greatly overrated IMHO.
...
What's to be embarrassed about or feel guilty about

I'm somewhat ashamed when I tell people that I'm retired. It sounds like I'm bragging...because I am.

These two posts capture the essence of why I don't say that I'm retired (or even semi-retired) when asked. At my age (49), it is virtually unheard of for a smart, educated, able-bodied man to voluntarily give up his career and pursue a life of leisure, so people immediately jump to conclusions about my situation that are unfavorable to me in various ways.

For example, when meeting a woman that I might be interested in dating, saying that I'm retired almost always leads to assumptions that I must be quite wealthy or that I'm lazy or can't hold down a steady job or that I have no professional ambition. It could also make me seem older than I actually am, and that's the last thing I want in that situation. I'd much rather tell a little white lie and say I do consulting work than to have her think I'm a potential sugar daddy or that I am trying to whitewash some mid-life career problems, etc.

Same goes for most other situations where I am meeting someone whom I view as a potential friend or acquaintance. Most people are going to assume either "rich", "unemployed", "lazy", or some combination of those when they hear the word retired for someone my age, and I think it's an unnecessary distraction that hinders getting to know that person in the most beneficial, straightforward way. Much better to come across as an average guy who does consulting work and then move on to the next stages of conversation and possible friendship.

Bottom line, at my age I feel it's best to avoid any mention of retirement, kind of like I steer clear of discussing religion and politics when first meeting someone. Those subjects are better left for slightly later stages in relationships.

 

[CaliKid]

I am similar age and embarrassed to even say I am only working 30 hours a week now. After 20 years of 60 hours a week it feels like a light load... though I am enjoying it. I really should be at the gym right now a matter of fact. So I too would be very embarrassed to say I am retired at 50. It's a lot easier at 55 or 60 which is relatively common. 50 is not common anywhere except on this website. Lol.

 

[FreeBear]

I don't feel guilty about FIRE because I started planning for this life early in my professional career. I must admit, though, that I'm not too fond of the "what do you do for w*rk". Actually, I'm not that interested in talking about w*rk in general.

When asked what do I do, I just say I'm retired. I'm surprised that the vast majority of people have absolutely no reaction at all. Actually, it's a bit of a relief. A few people were completely shocked, typically those I don't know very well. They quickly recover, and we move on to discuss just about anything else. Only one or two asked how we did it.

Most amusing, a few of our friends even seem to brag about us! These guys often introduce us to other friends with the closing flourish "and they are retired"!!

To everyone we know, our retirement was essentially a non-event. One thing I remember from reading Dale Carnegie's "How to find friends..." book is that most folks are focussed on themselves and their concerns. It has been true with the news of our retirement.

On the other hand, retirement has strengthened my relationship to my DW. We also spend much for quality time with friends, especially if they are also retired.
Life is great

 

[griffithee]

I'm ashamed to tell people I'm not working anymore, I'm not even 50.

Now when asked, I tell people I'm a property manager. Kinna true, I live on the income from all my properties

Anybody else feels the same?

I just tell them I am retired military. I usually get, "Oh you are so lucky. I did four years and wish I would have stayed in." I feel no guilt at all. I paid my dues, then some.

 

[iloveyoga]

Not sure if I answered already. I don't mind telling people I am retired and then if we keep talking that I do work small PT job for my son's business.

Sure glad I found this board where our lifestyle is the norm!

 

[Ted_Shepherd]

I'm 77 now. Careful attention to diet and exercise allow me to pass for a youth of 76. No problem. With my aging face and hairless scalp, no one is surprised that I have retired. I had spent over thirty years in the American defense effort. When people ask what I did for a living before retiring, I say that I helped design ships and aircraft for the Navy and Air Force. When those candyass Russians let their empire fall apart, I had no further work to do at age 53. That was in 1993. Haven't worked since then. I couldn't find any work that would have made it worth my while to give up my leisure, not that anyone wanted to hire me. Retirement is wonderful.

 

[MarieIG]

I am similar age and embarrassed to even say I am only working 30 hours a week now. After 20 years of 60 hours a week it feels like a light load... though I am enjoying it. I really should be at the gym right now a matter of fact. So I too would be very embarrassed to say I am retired at 50. It's a lot easier at 55 or 60 which is relatively common. 50 is not common anywhere except on this website. Lol.

As someone who is currently working approximately 70 hours a week, if I got a decent job working 30 hours a week, I would probably burst out like a Broadway musical doing pirouettes in the street and shouting out my good news to any strangers within earshot. I think a nice T shirt with arrows "THIRTY HOURS A WEEK!" would also be in order.

 

[Elbata]

How about "Portfolio Investment Mgr"?

 

[Katsmeow]

For some of the younger early retirees not wanting people to feel bad when you say you are retired, bear in mind that for people who don't know you well, their actual thought may be something more like:

Yeah, sure, you're retired at 45. Gee, I sure do feel bad for him that he is long-term unemployed and has just given up trying to find a job. It must be so embarrassing to not be able to find a job and to have to pretend that you are retired. Well, I am so fortunate to have a job and I don't want him to feel bad, so I'll just go along with his story...

 

[Philliefan33]

How about "Portfolio Investment Mgr"?

Used that yesterday. One of the guests on my guided bike trip asked "what do you do during the week"? I told him I'm retired. He didn't believe me, so then I said " yeah, you're right. I'm a portfolio manager". That satisfied him.

 

[Sunset]

I've always felt complimented when someone said, "you're too young to be retired"

 

[Freedom56]

People appear puzzled when I tell them I am retired. I'm sure they wonder how we make it without Social Security and Medicare. But frankly I don't care what people think. My wife and I are happy we retired 10-15 years early. It was the best move we ever made.

 

[brett]

Same here. Just do not care what others think. Besides they will think what they think. I cannot control it so I would never loose sleep over it. Life is too short to worry about someone else will think your choices.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I just tell them I am retired military. I usually get, "Oh you are so lucky. I did four years and wish I would have stayed in." I feel no guilt at all. I paid my dues, then some.

I absolutely HATE those comments and I've heard 'em 100x over. Look, I can appreciate that you gave 4 years to your country, that's admirable. However, do not equate that with the amount of time, sacrifice and pain of 20+ plus years that was required of me for that pension check. Luck had very, VERY little to do with it.

 

[wmc1000]

It doesn't bother us if asked how we retired young. We just say we saved our money to do it.