Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-04-2014, 07:11 PM   #121
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 427
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sanbenito1 View Post
I agree with OP that men seem more tied up with work=identity than women. We study and work hard in our careers with the end goal of retiring (because what's the option- die at our desks?). When we achieve that goal earlier than most of our peers, haven't we 'won' the race? I achieved everything I wanted in my career, but I still (after 3 months of retirement) feel awkward telling people I'm retired.
I've been retired for 2 years and have used a number of euphemisms to describe my current state of ER. I still haven't figured out if I am fully comfortable being ERed at (now) 44.

When I've told new people that I am ERed they either look at me with a" oh, so your are unemployed" look or they want too many details about how I did it and then want to classify me in as " oh, just another 1% er".
__________________

__________________
AnIntentionalRoad is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-05-2014, 01:35 PM   #122
Full time employment: Posting here.
ER Eddie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 721
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdie Num Nums View Post
I question this premise of your post. "Commonplace"? By whom?
It's a common observation. I must've heard it hundreds of times.
__________________

__________________
ER Eddie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2014, 04:25 PM   #123
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,616
Quote:
Originally Posted by ER Eddie View Post
It's a common observation. I must've heard it hundreds of times.
Every day, somewhere a retired four-star general is crying himself to sleep because he "only" made it to Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. And, heck, some have made it to White House cabinet positions while one made it to President.

You can always judge your life by society's standards (whatever they may be) and find yourself lacking. You can also judge your life by your own standards and decide whether you'd rather retire (to enjoy your own life) or keep working (to enjoy whatever sort of life that leads to). You've worked hard to have these choices, and you should do whichever one pleases you more.

Then you can choose to feel happy instead of feeling like a loser.

I suspect that some sort of "distancing" is also occurring. You're mentally (and emotionally) saying goodbye to the workplace and psychologically separating yourself from it. Meanwhile whoever else at work is aware of your pending semi-retirement is also distancing from you because... after all... there's no longer the shared misery camaraderie. They're sure not looking forward to having you show up a few days a week, all happy & smiling, to tell them how you've been enjoying your semi-retirement without being chained to a cubicle.
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Feelings of failure upon approaching semi-retirement
Old 04-08-2014, 10:33 AM   #124
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
seraphim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,492
Feelings of failure upon approaching semi-retirement

'Common' does not necessarily equate to 'accurate'. It may equate to 'stereotyping'.
__________________
"Growing old is no excuse for growing up."
seraphim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2014, 11:57 AM   #125
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,382
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shawn View Post
Actually, it will matter a lot when I am dead. Even if I retire today, the most likely scenario is that I will leave a decent estate to charity. More if I run up the score. So I do not understand why this is considered a bad thing. There are positive outcomes to being "the richest person in the graveyard." Of course, the positives (e.g., charity, being in a position to help family/friends - and myself if needed) must be weighed against the negatives (e.g., unpleasant work, less time for retirement). The negatives may win. I am selfish, not the late Mother Teresa.

I do not need to retire to be active or enjoy life. While I currently don't have the time to spend 6 months hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, I exercise every day. There is a reason my resting pulse is between 35-40. I may be rotten meat tomorrow, but at 54 I still consider myself to be a spring chicken today.

Lunchtime ... gotta go running.
You seem completely sensible to me, but maybe marked by the circumstances of your childhood. But even here, you went in a good direction. it might have led to crime or to giving up or to spending all your time trying to game some dole schemes. You owe no one any explanations .

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2014, 12:30 PM   #126
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 41
When I've told new people that I am ERed they either look at me with a" oh, so your are unemployed" look or they want too many details about how I did it and then want to classify me in as " oh, just another 1% er".

Exactly
__________________
Sanbenito1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2014, 02:17 PM   #127
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by ER Eddie View Post
It's a commonplace observation that men attach their self-esteem to their work. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that didn't apply to me. I told myself, "My identity isn't wrapped up in my work. I'm a spiritual person. I have never valued achievement along conventional lines." Et cetera.

Over the past few days, though, I've been experiencing a low mood that I've finally identified as shame -- that feeling you get when you think there is something bad wrong with you, you are defective. "You are a loser" is how I usually experience it.

And this feeling of failure or shame is related to pulling away from my career, as I approach semi-retirement. There's a sense that, "That's it. That's the most you'll ever achieve in your career" (which, by the way, has been all right but nothing exceptional, nothing that I can feel all that proud of).

I'm about 5 months from downshifting to part-time, so I'm pulling away from some responsibilities, and they are looking for a replacement. It's close enough to feel real, I guess.

I will leave there eventually, though not right away. I'll continue to work part-time for a while. Part of the "self-esteem" issue, if you want to call it that, is that the alternative part-time jobs available would be a significant drop in status. It makes me feel silly to say that -- I've always told myself that status is a thing other people chase after and I don't care about. But it turns out, it does matter to me. I know that because I can feel a tinge of shame when I think about the drop in status. It is only partly "how it would look," it is more just an ingrained, internalized sense of knowing that I'd be taking a big drop in professional status or image or whatever.

That is adding to my sense that it's over ("it" being my career), I've done all I'm ever going to do, it's all downhill from here, that's all you'll achieve. I know a lot of people who've done a lot more than I did with their careers. So I'm feeling this sense of being a loser or failure, as I pull away from work. I'm discovering that I have a sense of shame about it. That is completely not what I expected.

It's all ego, I know. It's all stupid, I know. It's all something I ought to be more advanced about, I know. It took me a couple of days to even figure out what I was feeling, because I didn't expect it, it seemed so alien from how I think about myself and work, usually.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has had an experience like that. I'm not really looking for pat advice about how our identity shouldn't be wrapped up in our work, etc. -- I know all that; that's part of why I am surprised to be feeling this way. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for exactly, but I just wanted to express how I was feeling and see if anyone else could relate.
First, let me thank you for starting what turned out to be a very interesting thread!

I have been "part time" (3 days/week) by my own choice for about 4 yars now, after a 25+ year career in management/accounting for a small company. For me the transisition to part time was very easy and has worked well to reduce management stress, etc.

Now that I am preparing to fully retire, I am feeling many of the things you describe in your original post. When I went part time I had no concerns, and have had no regrets. I am glad to see in your more recent post that many of those feelings have subsided.

The main main concern for me in fully retiring is how/whether it will be feasible to maintain some of the personal relationships with co-workers without the connections our careers provide. I have plenty of friends, family, and interests outside of my work, so I am blessed in that way. But realistically I expect that my work relationships will change and I'm not sure how I will like that.

but over all, I think having more free time and none of the shackles of the workplace will be a positive thing.

Best to you, and keep us posted as to how it goes.
__________________
Best!
-AJ
ajs56 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2014, 02:57 PM   #128
Full time employment: Posting here.
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 881
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajs56 View Post

The main main concern for me in fully retiring is how/whether it will be feasible to maintain some of the personal relationships with co-workers without the connections our careers provide.
My experience is that even the strongest of work friendships will fade somewhat .. my best friend from work is still a great friend, but we have much less to talk about over lunch.. when he retires, I'm sure we'll reconnect at the fishing hole or the golf course, but until then, we won't be as close as we used to be. Other friends from work have already disconnected with me and I with them because the common thread no longer exists.. YMMV, but be prepared just in case.
__________________
Tailgate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 07:47 AM   #129
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tailgate View Post
My experience is that even the strongest of work friendships will fade somewhat .. my best friend from work is still a great friend, but we have much less to talk about over lunch.. when he retires, I'm sure we'll reconnect at the fishing hole or the golf course, but until then, we won't be as close as we used to be. Other friends from work have already disconnected with me and I with them because the common thread no longer exists.. YMMV, but be prepared just in case.
Thanks for the thoughts Tailgate. This is pretty much what I expect. While don't look forward to that exactly, I also know that several of my peers and work friends will be retiring over the next few years, so the workplace relationships will be changing regardless. I may as well "get the ball rolling" by RE on my terms!
__________________
Best!
-AJ
ajs56 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 02:43 PM   #130
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
pb4uski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Vermont & Sarasota, FL
Posts: 16,410
Actually this post made me think of something. Has anyone written their obituary and chronicled the life accomplishments that they would like to be known for? I've occasionally read about doing that as an introspection exercise. I've never done it myself but have periodically thought about doing it.
__________________
If something cannot endure laughter.... it cannot endure.
Patience is the art of concealing your impatience.
Slow and steady wins the race.
pb4uski is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2014, 02:46 PM   #131
Full time employment: Posting here.
Redbugdave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 959
Thing is...looking forward...like the others have said...you will lose touch with your work friends in the coming year. Then when those work friends retire...they may want to resume a friendship since they are still adjusting and reaching out. Not everyone can adjust to retirement, you know. But by then, you have moved on with your life and have other real friends to share life with. Who wants to rehash something in common with work? Why do you think we escaped from work in the first place? Everyone's lives are moving along at different levels.

Along the same lines, for me...There's a few retirees that have a breakfast club together occasionally. I don't care to see them anymore since I don't enjoy living life in the past with a few people I did not enjoy being with while I was working.

About the obit...Yes...I have mine written up. Just a quick passing blurb about work but more about relationships and friends. That's what's really important.
__________________
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." Ashleigh Brilliant
Redbugdave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2014, 12:28 AM   #132
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,616
Quote:
Originally Posted by pb4uski View Post
Actually this post made me think of something. Has anyone written their obituary and chronicled the life accomplishments that they would like to be known for? I've occasionally read about doing that as an introspection exercise. I've never done it myself but have periodically thought about doing it.
Yes, our alumni association publishes guidelines on writing 400-word obituaries for the magazine and newspapers: http://www.usna.com/document.doc?id=43

The main reason for the guidelines is that the alum's death a terrible time for the family to attempt the obituary, so it frequently falls to a well-meaning friend or a classmate.

I can barely write a blog post in 400 words, let alone an obit, so it seemed like an interesting challenge. When I finished mine, my spouse asked me to write hers too. And now I have to review them every few years and update as necessary.

Damn-- I just reviewed mine and found a typo. Believe it or not, I spelled "retirement" wrong. But the rest of it is still snarky, irreverent, and cheerful.

That's been an amusing exercise, but on the serious side I suppose that I'll have to write my Dad's obituary in the next year or two. I guess the "good" news is that Alzheimer's gives you ample notice of your prep time.
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2014, 10:35 AM   #133
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 190
Quote:
Originally Posted by ER Eddie View Post
That is adding to my sense that it's over ("it" being my career), I've done all I'm ever going to do, it's all downhill from here, that's all you'll achieve. I know a lot of people who've done a lot more than I did with their careers. So I'm feeling this sense of being a loser or failure, as I pull away from work. I'm discovering that I have a sense of shame about it. That is completely not what I expected.
I had that feeling at first when I ER'd at 41 (45 now). I realized though you can look at "retirement" as a spectrum. It doesn't have to mean you're done with everything and you spend your days relaxing and doing nothing. I'd guess many here do it that way, but I never related to that.

Instead, I have viewed it that I simply switched careers and now I'm an investor. I am always looking for new investment opportunities, and still thinking and researching possible new business or product ideas. Doing it at my own relaxed pace, but still doing it. If a great opportunity is destined to come my way, I think I'm actually in a better position now to recognize it, research it and seize it than if I were heads-down every day in an office job.

And if it doesn't come, no problem. But it could, and might in fact, you never know. Your 9-5 office career may be ending, but your career as an investor never has to be over.
__________________
Kabekew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2014, 11:29 AM   #134
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,017
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kabekew View Post
I had that feeling at first when I ER'd at 41 (45 now). I realized though you can look at "retirement" as a spectrum. It doesn't have to mean you're done with everything and you spend your days relaxing and doing nothing. I'd guess many here do it that way, but I never related to that.

Instead, I have viewed it that I simply switched careers and now I'm an investor. I am always looking for new investment opportunities, and still thinking and researching possible new business or product ideas. Doing it at my own relaxed pace, but still doing it. If a great opportunity is destined to come my way, I think I'm actually in a better position now to recognize it, research it and seize it than if I were heads-down every day in an office job.

And if it doesn't come, no problem. But it could, and might in fact, you never know. Your 9-5 office career may be ending, but your career as an investor never has to be over.
Very well put, Kabekew!
__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2014, 12:00 PM   #135
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
kcowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Pacific latitude 20/49
Posts: 5,714
Send a message via Skype™ to kcowan
I had the benefit of retiring a few times. The first was with Megacorp at 49. Everyone asked why they selected me. I said they didn't. In those days, everyone had to get the same offer. When I told management I was going they asked why. I said because you are paying me until Wednesday at morning coffee break when I don't work here. So if I can get equivalent pay for 3 days a week I am ahead of the game!

I went on to consult and get 2 CEO positions. By that time, retiring was easy! I decided to stay retired at 60. 11 years ago.

Now I just deal with other retirees on equal terms. People sometimes ask what I did but they are really just being polite/nosy. I let myself be judged by who I am not what I did.

Of course we will always be judged in life. But now I just pick the people I like.

So in summary, it will be a transition, but eventually you will start liking yourself for who you are and not what you did.
__________________
For the fun of it...Keith
kcowan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2014, 12:48 PM   #136
Recycles dryer sheets
Dcharles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bismarck
Posts: 168
I felt guilty for about 9 nano seconds after driving off the company parking lot Dec 31st. it felt better and more liberating than the day DW and I drove away from NAS Lemoore, CA, US Navy Base after 4 years in the "Blue Canoe"! if you can financially make it work.....the opportunities outside are endless. About the only thing we are short on is time.......
__________________

__________________
Dcharles is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
47 Reached $1M - My Feelings ghandi Hi, I am... 23 01-13-2013 11:48 AM
Hi, approaching retirement at 63 and my husband is making me nervous! Ally Hi, I am... 27 03-08-2011 02:19 PM
Feelings of Guilt Deetso Other topics 19 06-12-2007 09:17 AM
D- (Decision) day is approaching REDreaming FIRE and Money 6 01-09-2007 08:58 PM
Check Facts, Not Feelings Before Purchase haha FIRE and Money 2 08-06-2004 02:03 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:56 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.