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FIL wants to get married after knowing woman 2 weeks!
Old 07-05-2016, 01:12 PM   #1
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FIL wants to get married after knowing woman 2 weeks!

FIL has been a widow now for 2 years this month. He's met a woman and after 2 weeks they are talking about getting married!

DH and I are freaking out. We know he's lonesome, but 2 weeks is a little soon!
He lives across the country so we haven't met her and we know nothing about her family.

I've done a background check as much as a civilian can do. It doesn't appear she has any bankruptcies, criminal issues, or other unsavory past, but we're still worried about him.

The suggestion to live together won't fly. They're both 81 and live in rural Arkansas, so "what would the neighbors say!" is what they would tell us.

I realize bottom line it isn't any of our business but we're worried and don't know how to talk about this with him without upsetting him. We could care less about his "estate" just don't want him to get hurt.

Any advice?
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:38 PM   #2
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They're both 81...
Isn't she a bit old for him? Why not a 25 year old gold digger? That would be more fun, assuming you leave with nothing in the end no matter what.

Will his SS get increased, or hers increased, if they get married?

Have him get a pre-nup. A legal marriage with a license is only for the government. A church or other individual can do it too, without a license. The concept of a legal marriage is an outdated idea.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:44 PM   #3
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Sounds a bit like puppy love for 81 year olds .

The background check was a really good idea. At least you know there no red flags with that.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:46 PM   #4
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I think this ii is worth taking a trip out to directly talk to him, and to see her up close and personal. Not just to find out more about her, but about her relatives... you never know what relatives she may be bringing along. A friend of mine had a situation of her parent getting remarried in their late 70s to someone around their same age, but soon after a granddaughter showed up to "visit" that turned into a destructive living arrangement...eventually it became heck trying to get her (the granddaughter) out of there, and things were definitely stolen.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:47 PM   #5
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Any advice?
Wish them the best?

At 81 they're gonna do what they want to do and if they're anything at all like my grandparents they'll tell you to mind your own business.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:55 PM   #6
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Wish them the best?

At 81 they're gonna do what they want to do and if they're anything at all like my grandparents they'll tell you to mind your own business.
+1

If they make each other happy, that's great but hey you gotta watch out for those 81 year old gold diggers.

Seriously, give them your blessings and hope for the best.
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Old 07-05-2016, 02:12 PM   #7
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If she loves him, then a prenup to protect both her assets and his assets shouldn't be an issue.

After all, the children need to be protected (in the long run)--both his and hers.

My mother had a close friend that'd buried 4 husbands. We asked her where she got her husbands and she said she'd go to all the local ladies' funerals in the area. If you didn't start to snare them then, someone else might beat you to the eligible widowers.
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Old 07-05-2016, 02:25 PM   #8
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I vividly remember my grandfather calling me up one day to tell me he was getting married again. He was about 78 or 79 at the time, and had been a widower for 4 or 5 years.

A local widow about ten years younger had been stalking him, and his primary motivation was that he wanted to assure himself of someone to take care of him as he aged.

As it turned out, he spent the next 15 years taking care of her.
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Old 07-05-2016, 02:55 PM   #9
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Way back in1982, when I was a Ensign in the Navy, my roommate met a girl and three weeks later they were engaged, Within another six months, they were married. My old roommate just retired from the Navy as a Vice-Admiral after 35 years of service. He is still married to the same girl.
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Old 07-05-2016, 03:02 PM   #10
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At 81 you really don't have time for long engagements. Carpe Diem!

If she was much younger I'd be worried, but at 81?
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Old 07-05-2016, 03:13 PM   #11
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Wish them the best?

At 81 they're gonna do what they want to do and if they're anything at all like my grandparents they'll tell you to mind your own business.
+2

Our neighbors are in their 80's and were married 8 or 9 years ago. His children do not like her, so even though some live nearby they do not visit. It is sad, more so because his health is now failing (Alzheimer's) and they lost the last few years of his good health.
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Old 07-05-2016, 03:16 PM   #12
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Strongly suggest they take a five year cooling off period?


Wish them well, cross your fingers and MYOB
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:05 PM   #13
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........He's met a woman and after 2 weeks they are talking about getting married!..............
Maybe he got her pregnant and he needs to make her an honest woman.
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:14 PM   #14
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A local widow about ten years younger had been stalking him, and his primary motivation was that he wanted to assure himself of someone to take care of him as he aged.

Yep. I once heard the guys all want either a nurse or a purse. Not for me if DH leaves this earth first!
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:26 PM   #15
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Yep. I once heard the guys all want either a nurse or a purse. Not for me if DH leaves this earth first!
Not me. I've got the money to hire a nurse, I'd want a real hottie to remind me of why I'm alive.
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:33 PM   #16
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Yep. I once heard the guys all want either a nurse or a purse. Not for me if DH leaves this earth first!
Not the guys I hang out with (all over 65, some single). We have a neighborhood full of those widowed aging nurses and purses, but none seem to be hooking up.

Given my small sample of friends with deceased wives, none of them really want to "tie the knot" again. Maybe its the hot weather around here?
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:44 PM   #17
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I like jollystomper's advice about setting up a trip. That'll kill two birds with one stone. You'd talk to him, and see what she is like. If she's one to look for an easy mark with your FIL, when she knows family is visiting, that may quickly change her wedding plans if she is up to no good.
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Old 07-05-2016, 05:40 PM   #18
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Yep. I once heard the guys all want either a nurse or a purse. Not for me if DH leaves this earth first!

https://youtu.be/IC-2CDhquDs
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:33 PM   #19
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Sometimes you just know quickly. My boyfriend and I had discussed marriage as a possibility before we'd even met in person (well under 2 weeks). We're waiting a while to actually get married. But at 81, if that's what you want, why not?

A pre-nup probably isn't a bad idea for anyone. But otherwise, whatever makes them happy.
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:40 PM   #20
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I have seen this MANY times with my clients at work. Typically the woman is much younger so it's a good sign that she isn't but still, obviously, something to be concerned about. If I were in your shoes I would try to get your DH on to dad's bank accounts (or better yet co-trustee of a trust). It would be easier to monitor dad's finances then. That is, if $10k "loans" are being made weekly it will be seen and maybe the kybash but on it. However, in the end the reality is you can't do much. God bless viagra!
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