FIRE and death of partner

[Ranje]

So I need some advice really, im in my late 30s and me and partner always plannedto retire early. We lived quite frugally and only really splashed out on holidays while we had our youth.

Sadly life gave us a rotten hand and my wife passed away late last year. After that event I took some time away from my job to grieve and reevaluate. Towards the end of my break and once the estate had settled I realised I could retire comfortably but felt it was far too early (in addition to survivor guilt!) Also i was quite bored as my friends were all in work and we have no kids.

My question really is what could i do if i did retire? My job is quite well paid for little stress so shame to give it up but i dont really need the money, travelling i still plan a little bit but its hard on my own. My life plan was to retire about age 50 but im about 10 years early!

 

[googily]

I'm so sorry. It is indeed a rotten hand--and I could have written your post, other than age (53 now) and having lost my husband. We were one year away from retiring early.

I have a job that pays well and really does not require much from me. Since my plan for ER was to just keep having fun with DH, travel a lot, and figure it out on the fly, I have decided to keep working for now. As people say so often here, it's really good to have something to retire *to*. And I don't know what that is yet.

And I get the survivor guilt--he did such a great job saving so much money, and didn't get to enjoy it.

If you are okay for now with your life being on autopilot for a while, just keep with it until you start coming out of the haze. And, on the flip side, knowing that you can bail from your job the moment it starts being a pain gives you a lot of psychological freedom.

Hang in there. I just passed the two year mark last week, and still do not feel anywhere close to having figured things out. It truly is good advice to not rush into anything.

Take care.

 

[footenote]

I'm sorry for your loss. That's very, very tough.

You're young. What would you enjoy having accomplished ten years from now?

That's the kind of question you might ask yourself right now.

 

[mystang52]

so sorry for your tragic loss. I would suggest, at least for the short term, staying at your job until all the dust settles. Your situation transcends pure finances, and I think you need your emotions to get back to a less raw state.
You are still young, so don't rule out the very real possibility of ultimately finding another life partner. In turn, that might affect your outlook for your future (maybe even children).
I also think staying at work, for now, could have some therapeutic value.

 

[Z3Dreamer]

So sorry for your loss. What would I have done if I retired in my late 30's? I would have focused on my own health. Lost weight. Studied eating healthier.

By my late 30's I had become disconnected with a number of high school and college friends and a number of aging relatives. So I would have spent time with them.

 

[HadEnuff]

I feel squeamish about handing out advice to someone I've never met, but since you asked, I'll offer this:

I'd recommend against quitting just yet, simply because you have just, and are still, in the midst of a huge life change, having lost your wife. Perhaps for a while you should endeavor not to change any more big stuff. I think, were I in your position at that age, the relative stability of my work would help anchor me for a while.

Just a thought. I wish you all the best while you deal with such a huge loss.

 

[ls99]

My Condolences. Agree with HadEnuff.

Having lost DW almost two years ago, am in bit different situation as at 71, been retired over ten years.
Suggest not doing any dignificant changes to your situation for about two years. It takes a while to get on an even keel. I'd say continue with any hobbies you enjoy, or find things that interest you to explore.
In addition to my regular workouts, figure sakting and kayaking, I took up Argentine Tango dancing. Several reasons: It requires high level of personal care to dance in close hold with women. Prevented going into a grand funk. The dance is fairly difficult to learn, requires dedication and attention to detail. In a class atmosphere am not put in position to entertain a dating attitude. Since we rotate partners constantly and are learning, superfluous chichat is excluded.

Wish you a good journey forward.

 

[Jerry1]

I feel squeamish about handing out advice to someone I've never met, but since you asked, I'll offer this:

I'd recommend against quitting just yet, simply because you have just, and are still, in the midst of a huge life change, having lost your wife. Perhaps for a while you should endeavor not to change any more big stuff. I think, were I in your position at that age, the relative stability of my work would help anchor me for a while.

Just a thought. I wish you all the best while you deal with such a huge loss.

I was about to say the same thing. I think you need more time to absorb your current situation. Beyond that, just because you now have more financial resources, why change your plan for retirement 10 years out. I have no idea what you now have, but ten years of a good salary will add to that and secure an even better life while you will still be very young. Of course if something great comes up in the meantime, you’re all set, but take your time and let life happen for a bit longer.

 

[Texas Proud]

Like others, I am sorry for your loss....


Like others, do not do anything else that can stress you more, which includes quitting your job... right now they are a support for you...


I would also recommend going to a grief group... my sister did and she said it was really helpful... she continues going to help others go thru it..


From the little knowledge I have gotten it seems that it is a year or two before you get back to 'normal', that is your new normal..


Do not, as one of my sisters friends did, jump into a relationship and get married... usually does not work out...

 

[LARS]

Rough stuff. Sorry for your loss. My best advice is to not make any significant changes in your life for at least one year. Particularly given your description of your job, I would sit back and re-evaluate my priorities. No rush to make dramatic change in direction.

 

[East Bay Bob]

I'm new here, but the wisdom and compassion evident in these responses leaves me feeling like this is a really safe place, so I'm gonna share my two cents'. : )

I'm so sorry for your loss!

For what it's worth, for me, "retirement" offers an opportunity to pursue a passion without regard to keeping the lights on and my belly fed.

It is probably too early yet for you to embrace a new "passion," but my experience is that we don't get past Loss ... it simply becomes part of our fabric and we (hopefully) learn to move forward with this new patina on our soul.

My mom used to tell me that it took folks a least a year to get past the worst part of losing a loved one. She died two years ago, and while I'm not who I used to be, I'm okay with me now in spite of this new patina.

Hang in there.

 

[Nemo2]

My mom used to tell me that it took folks a least a year to get past the worst part of losing a loved one.

My late wife died early 2002...although I realized, of course, that I was off balance, I mistakenly thought that I was 'handling it well, overall'.

A year or so later, in the proverbial light of day, I reviewed the time that had elapsed, and asked myself "What the **** were you thinking?"

My oldest friend lost his wife last year, and I told him not to make any big decisions/changes until at least a year had elapsed.

He said to me later..."You're the only one who told it like it is"......so I'd echo your mom's statement to the OP, and suggest he coasts for a year minimum until his thought process are functioning properly.

 

[SheitlQueen]

I was in the same boat, but older. Everyone told me what Nemo2 mentioned above-don't make any changes in the first year. It's sound advice. I decided after the first year I was miserable and needed to change something, and the only thing I could change was retire. So I did and I have not regretted it. So keep working, and continue to think things out. You will eventually arrive at the correct decision.
Sorry for your loss.

 

[Ronstar]

Sorry for your loss. Like others, I would advise to keep working for a while. Maybe your current emotions are affecting your decision making process regarding retirement, possibly to the point of making too quick of a decision. I have been in emotional situations before where I made quick decisions, and I later wished I would have waited longer to reason it out.

And you eluded to not knowing what to do in retirement. Retirement is the process of retiring to something, not from something. It would be best if you figured out what you are retiring to before leaving your job. Best wishes and keep us posted!

 

[Souschef]

Dear Ranje,
I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my wife some years ago. The only reason I worked after my retirement age was to have her covered by my medical insurance. After she passed away, I was at loose ends. My kids were grown and gone, and had lives of there own. Having nothing better to do, I kept w*rking.

I decided to do some traveling to places my late wife was not interested in going. This included a trip to China, and a trip around the world on the Trans Siberian Railway.
I became active in an on line grief recovery group, helping others, and myself deal with the loss of a loved one.
Well, life is funny, because I met a lady who had been widowed about the same time I was some years later.
You never know what can happen in your life.

 

[MarieIG]

I am sorry for your loss. I agree with the others that you should not think of retiring right now. No major changes/ decisions for at least one year - maybe two.

 

[brucethebroker]

Sorry for your loss-I would be devastated if I lost my DW.

I agree to wait things out for a year. Plus, your job may provide some needed distractions from your grieving process.

In the long run, however, having a "low stress-good paying job" may not be the reason to continue at your present firm (after waiting out the year). You now have a wonderful opportunity to explore finding your "passion" since your financial house is in order. Working with a charity comes to mind. You could afford a (low paying, low stress) "dream" job that might provide a joy you never had before.

Something to look into before giving your notice to your current boss.

 

[Ranje]

Thanks for so many quick replies, i am in limbo at moment, just going to work for the sake of it, not very productive but fortunately im still getting good praise... i read somewhere else about a potential 30something retiree where responses were basically dont give up your earning potential so young as that is your greatest financial asset.

I think the responses confirmed what i was thinking, wait and see basically. Its very frustrating as we still had lots of plans around travel mainly,

I didnt know what section to post this in as partly it was a warning to others that stuff can change quickly, luckily we had travelled a great deal and as we're in the uk we never had to plan or worry for medical bills.

 

[target2019]

It makes sense to go back to work, to try to gain some normalcy, as difficult as it sounds. Each day you'll find more.

 

[Bamaman]

What you've gone through has had to be very difficult.
But life is a series of chapters. While your past chapter has been difficult, take a little time off work and get ready for your next chapter of life.
Keep your attitude positive and your eyes open. There are more nice ladies out there looking for men than you can imagine. Just look for them in the right places, and that doesn't include the bar scene.
You have so much more life ahead of you, and great times are in your future.

 

[ckelly78z]

Seriously, buy an RV (small Class C motor home), and travel the country while you are still young. Throw on a kayak, and a dirtbike, and have some fun. Many others are doing this, and loving it.

 

[Ranje]

Seriously, buy an RV (small Class C motor home), and travel the country while you are still young. Throw on a kayak, and a dirtbike, and have some fun. Many others are doing this, and loving it.

Love that idea, in the uk we dont really have RV friendly roads, I could go to thr US I suppose but im at a loss as id still like to do it with my wife, i think i need to find someone else long term who would be up for something like that. I dont know when or if ill meet someone, im not 'actively' looking but if it happens, great. my work is pretty awesome in that I could take a career break if needed.

We had rough plans to drive around scotland, not that adventurous I know but as mentioned we have travelled quite extensively already and am grateful for that in hindsight, the plan was to do the difficult, longhaul, tiring holidays while young, we hadnt, as a couple been to many cheaper, european destinations as they are relatively easy and cheap to get to for us.

 

[Nemo2]

There are more nice ladies out there looking for men than you can imagine.

Another anecdote from my past, (although I was around twice the OP's age then).... I had already been divorced once before I married my late wife......and when I started looking again after she died I met a number of 'nice' women...we got along well, and then they were gone.

At the time, (bearing in mind the caveat that although you might fool yourself into believing that you are thinking rationally, chances are you are not...and not by a long shot), I thought a few were potential partners.......looking back I'd say "Nuh uh".

Then I met DW.....we clicked immediately and have been together over 15 years...the best 15 years of our lives.

(I said to my late wife's best friend that it was almost as if she, (my late wife), was sitting 'up there', (and I'm not a believer of this kind of thing), with a checklist going "Naaah", "Naaah", "Naaah"...."OK".

And DW, with whom I'd communicated by e-mail but hadn't yet met in person, due to our respective locations at the time, later said that after we met she removed her profile from the online dating service that we used because she'd met someone, (me), that she wanted to know better and wasn't interested in meeting anyone else at that time. She was sure of the potential, but not certain of the outcome.)

All this to reinforce that although you might believe you are thinking rationally before a suitable time has elapsed, chances are you are not..

 

[mountainsoft]

So I need some advice really, im in my late 30s and me and partner always plannedto retire early. We lived quite frugally and only really splashed out on holidays while we had our youth.

Sadly life gave us a rotten hand and my wife passed away late last year. After that event I took some time away from my job to grieve and reevaluate. Towards the end of my break and once the estate had settled I realised I could retire comfortably but felt it was far too early (in addition to survivor guilt!) Also i was quite bored as my friends were all in work and we have no kids.

My question really is what could i do if i did retire? My job is quite well paid for little stress so shame to give it up but i dont really need the money, travelling i still plan a little bit but its hard on my own. My life plan was to retire about age 50 but im about 10 years early!

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself. As other's have said, 30 something is still quite young. You likely have many years ahead, and while it may seem unlikely now, you could meet someone new in the future for the second half of your life. That could change your future plans entirely.

It doesn't sound like you have anything specific you want to retire "To" so I wouldn't rush to run away from your job. At this point it gives you structure, social interaction, and a purpose. Without it what will be your reason for getting up each day? It could be the best time your life to enjoy the freedom, but I can also see it becoming lonely and depressing.

My wife is my inspiration to try new experiences. Without her I seriously doubt I would have the courage or motivation to do most of the things we enjoy together. I'm not social by nature, so I would most likely become a solitary home body.

Do whatever makes you happy, but I would recommend staying where you are until you have a new direction in your life.

Best wishes!

 

[Moemg]

I lost my husband suddenly when I was 51 .I decided to keep working but in a lower stress job . I also went part time . It was the best thing I did for myself .It helped me heal but allowed for some stability and social contact . Good Luck ! Be easy on yourself the first year after a death is the hardest .