FRIENDS

[LIPhotoMan]

Noticed some discussion on here about the number of friends people have when they retire.
I've been thinknig about that issue lately - about the fact that now that I am retired & divorced & moved to a different area (all within a couple of months - First Divorce, then sold house & moved to apt very near office, then involuntary retirement), the "Friends" I had are gone. Some were "Couples" friends, but all but one person feels awkward trying to be friends with both of us now. Then there were the "office" friends, but since I am no longer in the office, they shy away from me. I have heard, and understand, that people around there are afraid that they'll get it too, so they don't want to associate with me (or the others who were retired at the same time). MY personal, lifetime friends are hundreds of miles away, and we might go to a kids' wedding, but that's about it, besides emailing those jokes that go around. And in all cases, all these people are COUPLES, and I am a Single. BUT I am in a serious relationship. So serious that it compels me to not move away from here - this couples oriented suburb. Due to her circumstances, she cannot leave here for at least 5 years. And for the next 5 years she is stuck with being able to see me only a certain 3 nights a week.

So in order to try to find NEW friends, I've looked into interest groups. Well, what I've found is a couple of groups, but they meet on those nights that my friend can see me. So those groups won't work.

I've been retired now for abt 9 months, and it really is wearing thin. Sitting around here is not agreeing with me (I cannot work, due to the package I was given). I need to get out SOMEWHERE & meet FRIENDS. Everything I can find that exists for the purpose of meeting others is geared towards meeting romantic partners. I'm not looking for that. I just want to find new friends - people who share my interests, and have the time to share my interests (Baseball, Wine, Photography, Travel). If they are not retired, it's unlikely they can find the time. And if they are married, it is also unlikely they'll have the time or ability.

I have volunteeered with several organizations, and am "on the list" for when openings arise - one group did contact me & I will begin training late April. But that is likely to be an isolated pursiut - mediating court disputes.

So not sure where to look, how to deal with this issue.

The floor (Board) is now open.

[MasterBlaster]

I have to concur with some of the issues you raised.

Some people (like you) leave their work friends, leave their familiar houseand neighborhood and perhaps close-by family, move to an unknown but inexpensive and perhaps beautiful location and then wonder - What have I done ? For those ER's that move to a foreign country, it gets even worse when you add in unfamiliar customs.

Not having some close friends around is very hard. It can take years and years to meet some people that you actually enjoy.

The only advice I can give you, besides really to think about all the issues - not just money before you jump, is to get involved in lots of activities. Friends will come along that have common interests.

- Good luck

[audreyh1]

More than interest groups......

Look for volunteer opportunities. You'll find folks with similar interests and values.

There are all sorts of interesting opportunities - they don't all coincide with the more common charity hospital work or food kitchen or habitat for humanity - although lots of folks get a lot out of volunteering for those orgs.

For a couple of years we participated in "Trail tamers" - a local volunteer group that builds new hiking trails and maintains old ones. They almost always had some weekend activity planned. Being hiking enthusiasts ourselves we enjoyed the folks, enjoying learning how to build trails, and really enjoyed the camaraderie of sharing a neat task.

Just about EVERY nature center needs volunteers. I suspect this is true for any organization representing a particular interest.

We travel a lot doing bird watching and nature photography and have met many fellow enthusiasts. We stay in touch over long distances and long periods of time. Some of these folks have become our BEST friends with whom we keep in touch regularly and usually see twice a year.

There is a state park in Central Texas where we have done some volunteer work. Folks there treat us as family now. It's like a great homecoming whenever we visit.

When you get involved on a volunteer basis, people REALLY APPRECIATE your contribution. Major warm and fuzzies......

Audrey

[Nords]

Habitat for Humanity?

[thefed]

make friends with that chick in masterblaster's avatar

[Martha]

Do you frequent photography or wine discussion forums? I assume there are a number. Maybe people there would have some thoughts on opportunities with these hobbies.

It is funny how there are many ways to meet people. My husband after he retired made friends with the mailman. After all, he sees him most every day. Turns out they a number of similar interests. We have a new neighbor. My husband was first to stop by and start bs'ing.

So stick your neck out and chat up the neighbors.

I looked back at your old posts and see you also love cruises. Since your girlfriend works so much, why not take a break and go on a cruize alone. Have a little fun.

[samclem]

Habitat for Humanity: charitable group that builds new houses for folks of modest means. The new owners pay for the home, the funds are used to defray costs associated with other new home building. Jimmy Carter (a submariner some have heard of) has been associated with this charity for a long time.

[dusk_to_dawn]

I was involved in building a habitat for humanity house in Americus, GA. We (about 50 of us) built it in a week. It was amazing. Habitat is headquartered in Americus and they were doing some program to put up several houses in a couple of weeks. This was about 7 years ago. I remember that it was hot, hot and more hot. We worked 7 am to 7 or 8 pm and worked hard the whole day. Most habitat houses are not built in this fashion. I believe most are built at a slower pace with much of the work happening on the weekends. When we were finished, Jimmy Carter and Rosalyn Carter came and met with us and had a picture taken. This is good experience if you want to learn about houses and meet people.

[mickeyd]

Our church has built a HH house every year for the last 6 and they are all still standing so I guess the formula works. It takes about 2 months of volunteer work (in the fall for us) and it is very rewarding work. I try to sign up for 4 or 5 days that are spaced out during the project so I can see the progress and get to work of different aspects of building a place (siding, roof, interior, landscaping etc). They also serve wonderful lunches at the work site, which is why I go....

[MasterBlaster]

Well meeting people is an art. Some people who have the gift of gab have no problems. Others struggle somewhat.

I remember when I moved from Houston to SoCal to take a new job. I left a big gang of friends in Houston and literally had none for the longest time. Texans are pretty outgoing and welcoming. Californians are somewhat distant and would rather shoot their neighbors than talk to them. What a contrast.

I love it here in California but it was an enormous ajustment. I am not eager to go through that anytime soon.

[thebacchus]

It is amazing how different meeting people in different parts of the country is.

In Florida for example, it is such a transient area with new people moving in and out that people welcome new people into their lives.

In Kansas, our current home, many people have never moved or been out of the state. Most people still hang out with the friends they went to school with from k-12. The people, while very friendly, are not accustomed to welcoming new people into their circle as their circle has NEVER changed!!!

-tb.

[haha]

Originally Posted by thebacchus

It is amazing how different meeting people in different parts of the country is.

In Florida for example, it is such a transient area with new people moving in and out that people welcome new people into their lives.

In Kansas, our current home, many people have never moved or been out of the state. Most people still hang out with the friends they went to school with from k-12. The people, while very friendly, are not accustomed to welcoming new people into their circle as their circle has NEVER changed!!!

-tb.

Great observation. If the people are moving in and out frequently, they need new friends as much as you do moving in.. Very different in a settled community like the one you describe in kansas.

Ha

[shorttimer]

are there any local service type organizations such as Elks or a volunteer fire department. Our local fire departments have a host of people who don't go out to fight the fires yet are active.
Does your library have any groups that meet. our bulletin boards are full of announcements of garden clubs, writing clubs, book clubs etc.
Join a gym. I see the same people evey day at my gym and after two months we have lots of conversations.
Go to your local university and take a class. Something you always wanted to learn. What about a foriegn language, history or music appreciation. Or take a cooking class and you can make gourmet meals for your friend, making your time together more special.
Join a church of your choice. find an active one.
Contact literacy volunteers and help a person learn english.
Does your area have a garden club. My local garden club maintains a huge rose garden and also beautiful flower beds in the city.
Volunteer to usher at the local theatre group, or try out for a play. Ditto with symphony.
Do you have a local sports team? If so, go to their games and start following them.
Is there a diner at your town? Go every day for a cup of coffee and start talking to the regulars about the game last night etc. You might find some friends.
Any local nature centers or parks? Our local nature center has a volunteer group that leads walks, works in the information center and runs the bookstore.
Go crazy. Do something you never thought you would do and you just might find you like it. Some of these things won't get you lots of friends, but will make you acquaintances and some will lead to friendships. Be interesting and people will be interested in you.

[LIPhotoMan]

Thanks for the advice & information.
I certainly can relate to the comments about different places being easoer than others to make friends.* When I moved from PA to TX, it was very easy to make friends down there - very friendly, plus it was a town with many new residents.* But then when I moved to NY - UGH!

The HAbitat for Humanity is a good idea - but not only am I one of those guys who should not be allowed to use tools* :* but I also have Rotator Cuff problems.*

A Class.* Good idea.* I have taken a couple of photography classes that did not result in meeting anyone, but there are 3 colleges within a few miles of me.* Since my Friend is an artist, and I know absolutely nothing about art, I think I'll take an art history course.* I'll probably be the Old Geezer in the class, but even if I don't make any new friends, I'll learn something entirely new & different.

I've also contacted the SCOPE - retired biz execs who help startup companies, but I didn't fit their needs.* *

Getting off of Long Island would probably be the best thing to do, but that's just not going to happen yet.

THANKS AGAIN

[Maximillion]

Buy a Dog, small dogs are Chick Magnets, plus they give you someone to talk to and force you to take daily walks.

[Jeb-NY]

Originally Posted by LIPhotoMan

The HAbitat for Humanity is a good idea - but not only am I one of those guys who should not be allowed to use tools : but I also have Rotator Cuff problems.

I have been involve with our local Habitat affiliate for over 15 years and probably haven't done more than a day or two of actual construction in the last 10 years. Believe it or not most affiliates have more trouble getting volunteers to work on all the committees and the board of directors than doing the construction. Doing all the home and site planning, family selection, family support, public relations, fund raising, site selection (property to build on), Church relations, volunteer coordinating, etc, takes as many volunteers and as much time as building a house.

Affiliates are all over the country and world, you might want to contact one close to you and see where you can help besides construction.
http://www.habitat.org/local/

Jeb

[Sheryl]

Originally Posted by Maximillion

Buy a Dog, small dogs are Chick Magnets, plus they give you someone to talk to and force you to take daily walks.

(Speaking as a chick) this is very true - but I'm not sure about the "small dogs." I would go for something cute and shaggy. Or better yet, volunteer to walk them for the Humane Society, meet the chicks then return the dogs!

[Maximillion]

6 Pound Yorkie named Max, he's definitly a Chick Magnet.

[Outtahere]

Doesn't matter what size the dog as long as it's friendly, Labs work nicely too.

[Sheryl]

Originally Posted by Outtahere

Doesn't matter what size the dog as long as it's friendly, Labs work nicely too.

I guess you need to tailor the dog breed selection to the type of chick you are attracting - Outdoorsy types would probably love labs, shepherds, etc. But you are right, Max, any dog will get the conversations started!