"Gray divorce" in retirement

[Nords]

Linda Stern presents the issues of negotiating retirement with a spouse:
Business & Financial News, Breaking US & International News | Reuters.com

You would think that after a few decades of marriage, raising kids and going through the ups and downs of life together, retirement would be a cakewalk for couples. But you'd be wrong.
Spouses who have managed to negotiate a lifetime of decisions together are finding that their well-oiled partnership machine may break down when they face those post-career issues.
It's no wonder there has been lots of talk (albeit with few statistics) about "gray divorce" becoming epidemic.

Husbands and wives aren't even on the same page when it comes to the facts and figures of their retirement finances, according to a study released today by Fidelity Investments.
Roughly 62 percent of couples approaching retirement don't agree on when they should retire, and almost half don't agree on whether they should continue working in retirement, said the new study.
Moreover, 73 percent of pre- and post-retirement couples couldn't even agree on whether or not they had a detailed retirement-income plan. Almost a third -- 30 percent -- of already retired couples couldn't even agree on how comfortable their current retirement lifestyle was, while they were living it. Of those couples working with a financial adviser, a third disagreed -- by at least three years -- on how long they had been working with the adviser.

I've seen plenty of divorces before this point, but not for retirement reasons. However most of our shipmates & neighbors aren't ER'd.

 

[frayne]

I can understand how couples can divorce after raisng kids, and going through the proverbial ups and downs of life. People can simply grow apart. One spouse may want to veg out in front of the boob tube, and the other still wants to grow and expierence life.

 

[growing_older]

People can simply grow apart.

I have never heard this "except if we grow apart" in any marriage vows.

Modern divorce practices seem to include divorce for most any reason, or no particular reason at all. It seems the vows need to catch up to the current practice. "To have and to hold, until I change my mind" Maybe term limited marriages?

 

[MasterBlaster]

Retired Husband Syndrome

Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease

Retired Husband Syndrome - ABC News

 

[youbet]

This is why ice fishing is popular in Minnesota. Those long, cold, dark, dismal winters would leave the Mr. and Mrs. at each other's throats if he didn't have a place to escape to. Or, from her point of view, if she didn't have a place to kick his worthless butt out to.

Thus the "ice house" comes into play. Out on the lake, complete with a wood stove, six pack and maybe a buddy or two, he spends the day out from underfoot doing something he likes. She has the house to herself without him yelling "whats for lunch" during her bridge game.

It's good for everybody. Ice fishing.

 

[bbbamI]

Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease

From the article....

But she did not expect that his trash would pile up around the house or that her husband would master the art of selective hearing and selective vision....

I thought that started with the words, 'I do.'

.......ahem......

 

[ohyes]

Very interesting.

I read it, thinking it would be a good article to share with DH. It doesn't quite fit, but I have a few qualms.

Ice fishing will probably sound like such a wonderful idea come winter, except we are in Arkansas.

Truly, he has only been retired about a month. So far, so good.

 

[MasterBlaster]

This seems like a good B-Movie Title

"The Man Who Came Home to Stay"

Honey I'm Home !..... Forever

Oh No ! "Retirement came -- your husband is everywhere you look, they're home,"

 

[chris2008]

I could understand disappointment in "housewifes" when DH retires and they realise that there will not be a retirement for them (from half of housework), too. Instead DH may expect to be taken care of like a child bouncing back...

And on the other side it could cause trouble when DH comes home to implement ideas for managing a household that has run problemfree up to his retirement...

Let's better talk through with our partners what exactly are each one's expectations.

 

[chinaco]

Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease

Retired Husband Syndrome - ABC News

Japanese doctors first described the syndrome when wives started showing symptoms of stress after being forced to deal with their recently retired husbands who demanded absolute subservience.

Hey... I know some wives that seem to have this concept backwards??

 

[Glo]

Our life started when we retired; the daily grind was over. Does my husband irritate me to no end some days? Yes, and I'm sure I do the same to him. But we quickly get over it and move on. Most of our interests are the same; I wonder if that makes a difference?

 

[bruce1]

From the article....

But she did not expect that his trash would pile up around the house or that her husband would master the art of selective hearing and selective vision....

I thought that started with the words, 'I do.'

I].......ahem......[/I]

Actually it is not selective hearing it is simply that incredible power of concentration on the task at hand excludes all external stimuli.

 

[ls99]

Actually it is not selective hearing it is simply that incredible power of concentration on the task at hand excludes all external stimuli.

That has always been my story, and I'm sticking with it.

 

[devans0]

I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.

As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.

 

[spirit]

My DH has been semi retired over 20 years, retired 6. I went back to work part time,which turned to full time. I thought I had it made. He was my wife, took care of the house, the kids and I could focus on the job and enjoy life when I came home. But he slid into alcohol addiction and our life became a living hell. I found Al Anon and that brought him to AA. He has been in recovery 2 months and our life together is starting to build on more firm ground. I left my wonderful job as a full time person to half time which I admit I did not accept with the grace that I could have. I guess the point of this post is that the future is uncertain and may not turn out as planned or as portrayed in the media. Best wishes for all.

 

[frayne]

I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.

As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.

+1 on both man cave and hearing, oh the lock goes on the inside !

 

[Amethyst]

Mr. Amethyst and I both have decreased speech-frequency hearing.

I am still working, so I went to an audiologist, had the hearing loss measured and analyzed, and asked if there was anything to be done about it (not much, except to to compensate e.g. by staying out of crowds, and asking people to repeat themselves). Mr. Amethyst, being retired, simply thinks the females around him don't speak clearly enough. I wonder if retirement will affect me the same way.

Amethyst

...one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. .

 

[ls99]

Mr. Amethyst and I both have decreased speech-frequency hearing.

Amethyst

So visit a speech therapist, acquire low sultry voice. Guaranteed to catch notice even for one with high frequency hearing loss.

 

[Mulligan]

I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.

As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.

I found this out through an older coworker a few months back. The ladies would complain to me he would ignore them or thought he was better than them. I knew this wasn't true and just thought it was their imagination. He showed up with hearing aids to work and commented how he didnt realize that he couldn't hear women's voices. I should have said something earlier, but he never had a problem hearing me. I didn't think about the upper frequency problem.

 

[Amethyst]

I was assigned a female deputy - we worked in a noisy shared cubicle with lots of other people about. She grew less and less friendly as time went on, and I learned she was complaining to others that I "ignored her." I confronted her about what she was saying behind my back, and she was sharp enough to give me a few examples of when I had "ignored" her. Sure enough, I wasn't hearing her, because she was saying things to my back while others were talking. That's what drove me to the audiologist.

(By the way, this woman was supposed to be very smart, and she knew I was about 10 years older than she. You'd think that hearing loss would be the first thing to occur to a smart person in this situation).

Amethyst

I found this out through an older coworker a few months back. The ladies would complain to me he would ignore them or thought he was better than them. I knew this wasn't true and just thought it was their imagination. .

 

[Nords]

(By the way, this woman was supposed to be very smart, and she knew I was about 10 years older than she. You'd think that hearing loss would be the first thing to occur to a smart person in this situation).

All the types of hearing loss never occurred to me until I started to experience them.

Our daughter's hearing never fully developed, or was arrested at a very young age. It wasn't until her NROTC physical that they were able to get hard data of 20-30 dB of hearing loss across the entire spectrum. She's fine-- she doesn't miss what she never had-- but there are many subtle little noises that just don't reach her threshold of attention.

Turns out she wasn't actually ignoring us all those times. Unlike me she may even have been listening, but she just wasn't hearing...

 

[alvarezg]

Gray divorce must be disastrous. I count myself relatively lucky that I've had 15 years since divorcing to somewhat recover financially. I'll be OK to retire, but just, by age 66 in 4 years. That divorce is what shot any hope of FIRE.
What do you do if you divorce at 62 and she cleans you out?

 

[Lancelot]

^ Agreed the options are limited.

I have meet some unhappy expats in Thailand, Cambodia and the Philippines living abroad because it was the best of a bad situation but unhappy because they were unable to adapt and go with the flow...

 

[Nords]

I have meet some unhappy expats in Thailand, Cambodia and the Philippines living abroad because it was the best of a bad situation but unhappy because they were unable to adapt and go with the flow...

On the other side of that, one of our neighbors is a single mother raising three kids while her divorced spouse is living in Bangkok. She gets occasional location reports but they're not accompanied by child-support payments.

 

[SteveR]

Not long after we retired and moved to our new house DW kept turning up the TV volume...sometimes to the point of pain for me. I kept asking her if she was having trouble hearing. She just said "no, I just can't quite make out the voices over all the loud music in the background." I have trouble with this too but nearly as bad. As time went on she some how convinced herself the hearing problem was all mine. I do have a 50% in on ear due to and ear infection a few years ago...don't hear much except a rainbow of high pitched noise 24/7.

Anyway, we both go to the same audiologist and take the tests. As it turns out she is the one now wearing hearing aids. Even with my hearing loss I still hear better than she does. She has never gotten over that one.

The next sense I have broken according to her is my sense of smell. That may be from smoking for 40 years (quit 8 years ago) or from old age sneaking up on me. Most of the time it is a blessing based on what she seems to complain about most.