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"Gray divorce" in retirement
Old 07-03-2011, 03:51 PM   #1
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"Gray divorce" in retirement

Linda Stern presents the issues of negotiating retirement with a spouse:
Business & Financial News, Breaking US & International News | Reuters.com

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You would think that after a few decades of marriage, raising kids and going through the ups and downs of life together, retirement would be a cakewalk for couples. But you'd be wrong.
Spouses who have managed to negotiate a lifetime of decisions together are finding that their well-oiled partnership machine may break down when they face those post-career issues.
It's no wonder there has been lots of talk (albeit with few statistics) about "gray divorce" becoming epidemic.
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Husbands and wives aren't even on the same page when it comes to the facts and figures of their retirement finances, according to a study released today by Fidelity Investments.
Roughly 62 percent of couples approaching retirement don't agree on when they should retire, and almost half don't agree on whether they should continue working in retirement, said the new study.
Moreover, 73 percent of pre- and post-retirement couples couldn't even agree on whether or not they had a detailed retirement-income plan. Almost a third -- 30 percent -- of already retired couples couldn't even agree on how comfortable their current retirement lifestyle was, while they were living it. Of those couples working with a financial adviser, a third disagreed -- by at least three years -- on how long they had been working with the adviser.
I've seen plenty of divorces before this point, but not for retirement reasons. However most of our shipmates & neighbors aren't ER'd.
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:00 PM   #2
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I can understand how couples can divorce after raisng kids, and going through the proverbial ups and downs of life. People can simply grow apart. One spouse may want to veg out in front of the boob tube, and the other still wants to grow and expierence life.
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:05 PM   #3
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People can simply grow apart.
I have never heard this "except if we grow apart" in any marriage vows.

Modern divorce practices seem to include divorce for most any reason, or no particular reason at all. It seems the vows need to catch up to the current practice. "To have and to hold, until I change my mind" Maybe term limited marriages?
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Retired Husband Syndrome
Old 07-03-2011, 04:28 PM   #4
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Retired Husband Syndrome

Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease

Retired Husband Syndrome - ABC News
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:58 PM   #5
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This is why ice fishing is popular in Minnesota. Those long, cold, dark, dismal winters would leave the Mr. and Mrs. at each other's throats if he didn't have a place to escape to. Or, from her point of view, if she didn't have a place to kick his worthless butt out to.

Thus the "ice house" comes into play. Out on the lake, complete with a wood stove, six pack and maybe a buddy or two, he spends the day out from underfoot doing something he likes. She has the house to herself without him yelling "whats for lunch" during her bridge game.

It's good for everybody. Ice fishing.
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Old 07-03-2011, 05:01 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by MasterBlaster View Post
Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease
From the article....

But she did not expect that his trash would pile up around the house or that her husband would master the art of selective hearing and selective vision....

I thought that started with the words, 'I do.'

.......ahem......
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:15 PM   #7
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Very interesting.

I read it, thinking it would be a good article to share with DH. It doesn't quite fit, but I have a few qualms.

Ice fishing will probably sound like such a wonderful idea come winter, except we are in Arkansas.

Truly, he has only been retired about a month. So far, so good.
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This seems like a good B-Movie Title
Old 07-03-2011, 10:58 PM   #8
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This seems like a good B-Movie Title

"The Man Who Came Home to Stay"



Honey I'm Home !..... Forever

Oh No ! "Retirement came -- your husband is everywhere you look, they're home,"
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Old 07-04-2011, 02:57 AM   #9
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I could understand disappointment in "housewifes" when DH retires and they realise that there will not be a retirement for them (from half of housework), too. Instead DH may expect to be taken care of like a child bouncing back...

And on the other side it could cause trouble when DH comes home to implement ideas for managing a household that has run problemfree up to his retirement...

Let's better talk through with our partners what exactly are each one's expectations.
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:25 AM   #10
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Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease

Retired Husband Syndrome - ABC News

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Japanese doctors first described the syndrome when wives started showing symptoms of stress after being forced to deal with their recently retired husbands who demanded absolute subservience.
Hey... I know some wives that seem to have this concept backwards??
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:35 AM   #11
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Our life started when we retired; the daily grind was over. Does my husband irritate me to no end some days? Yes, and I'm sure I do the same to him. But we quickly get over it and move on. Most of our interests are the same; I wonder if that makes a difference?
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:37 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
From the article....

But she did not expect that his trash would pile up around the house or that her husband would master the art of selective hearing and selective vision....

I thought that started with the words, 'I do.'

I].......ahem......[/I]

Actually it is not selective hearing it is simply that incredible power of concentration on the task at hand excludes all external stimuli.

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Old 07-04-2011, 08:55 AM   #13
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Actually it is not selective hearing it is simply that incredible power of concentration on the task at hand excludes all external stimuli.

That has always been my story, and I'm sticking with it.
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Old 07-04-2011, 09:30 AM   #14
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I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.

As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.
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Old 07-04-2011, 10:11 AM   #15
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My DH has been semi retired over 20 years, retired 6. I went back to work part time,which turned to full time. I thought I had it made. He was my wife, took care of the house, the kids and I could focus on the job and enjoy life when I came home. But he slid into alcohol addiction and our life became a living hell. I found Al Anon and that brought him to AA. He has been in recovery 2 months and our life together is starting to build on more firm ground. I left my wonderful job as a full time person to half time which I admit I did not accept with the grace that I could have. I guess the point of this post is that the future is uncertain and may not turn out as planned or as portrayed in the media. Best wishes for all.
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Old 07-04-2011, 10:26 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by devans0 View Post
I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.

As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.

+1 on both man cave and hearing, oh the lock goes on the inside !
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:05 AM   #17
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Mr. Amethyst and I both have decreased speech-frequency hearing.

I am still working, so I went to an audiologist, had the hearing loss measured and analyzed, and asked if there was anything to be done about it (not much, except to to compensate e.g. by staying out of crowds, and asking people to repeat themselves). Mr. Amethyst, being retired, simply thinks the females around him don't speak clearly enough. I wonder if retirement will affect me the same way.

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...one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. .
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:47 AM   #18
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Mr. Amethyst and I both have decreased speech-frequency hearing.

Amethyst
So visit a speech therapist, acquire low sultry voice. Guaranteed to catch notice even for one with high frequency hearing loss.
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Old 07-04-2011, 01:47 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by devans0
I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.

As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.
I found this out through an older coworker a few months back. The ladies would complain to me he would ignore them or thought he was better than them. I knew this wasn't true and just thought it was their imagination. He showed up with hearing aids to work and commented how he didnt realize that he couldn't hear women's voices. I should have said something earlier, but he never had a problem hearing me. I didn't think about the upper frequency problem.
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Old 07-04-2011, 02:23 PM   #20
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I was assigned a female deputy - we worked in a noisy shared cubicle with lots of other people about. She grew less and less friendly as time went on, and I learned she was complaining to others that I "ignored her." I confronted her about what she was saying behind my back, and she was sharp enough to give me a few examples of when I had "ignored" her. Sure enough, I wasn't hearing her, because she was saying things to my back while others were talking. That's what drove me to the audiologist.

(By the way, this woman was supposed to be very smart, and she knew I was about 10 years older than she. You'd think that hearing loss would be the first thing to occur to a smart person in this situation).

Amethyst

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I found this out through an older coworker a few months back. The ladies would complain to me he would ignore them or thought he was better than them. I knew this wasn't true and just thought it was their imagination. .
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