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"Gray divorce" in retirement
07-03-2011, 02:51 PM
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#1
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,860
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"Gray divorce" in retirement
Linda Stern presents the issues of negotiating retirement with a spouse:
Business & Financial News, Breaking US & International News | Reuters.com
Quote:
You would think that after a few decades of marriage, raising kids and going through the ups and downs of life together, retirement would be a cakewalk for couples. But you'd be wrong.
Spouses who have managed to negotiate a lifetime of decisions together are finding that their well-oiled partnership machine may break down when they face those post-career issues.
It's no wonder there has been lots of talk (albeit with few statistics) about "gray divorce" becoming epidemic.
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Quote:
Husbands and wives aren't even on the same page when it comes to the facts and figures of their retirement finances, according to a study released today by Fidelity Investments.
Roughly 62 percent of couples approaching retirement don't agree on when they should retire, and almost half don't agree on whether they should continue working in retirement, said the new study.
Moreover, 73 percent of pre- and post-retirement couples couldn't even agree on whether or not they had a detailed retirement-income plan. Almost a third -- 30 percent -- of already retired couples couldn't even agree on how comfortable their current retirement lifestyle was, while they were living it. Of those couples working with a financial adviser, a third disagreed -- by at least three years -- on how long they had been working with the adviser.
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I've seen plenty of divorces before this point, but not for retirement reasons. However most of our shipmates & neighbors aren't ER'd.
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07-03-2011, 03:00 PM
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#2
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Chattanooga
Posts: 3,895
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I can understand how couples can divorce after raisng kids, and going through the proverbial ups and downs of life. People can simply grow apart. One spouse may want to veg out in front of the boob tube, and the other still wants to grow and expierence life.
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Earning money is an action, saving money is a behavior, growing money takes a well diversified portfolio and the discipline to ignore market swings.
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07-03-2011, 03:05 PM
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#3
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,657
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Quote:
People can simply grow apart.
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I have never heard this "except if we grow apart" in any marriage vows.
Modern divorce practices seem to include divorce for most any reason, or no particular reason at all. It seems the vows need to catch up to the current practice. "To have and to hold, until I change my mind" Maybe term limited marriages?
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07-03-2011, 03:28 PM
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#4
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,391
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Retired Husband Syndrome
Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease
Retired Husband Syndrome - ABC News
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07-03-2011, 03:58 PM
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#5
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Chicago
Posts: 13,186
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This is why ice fishing is popular in Minnesota. Those long, cold, dark, dismal winters would leave the Mr. and Mrs. at each other's throats if he didn't have a place to escape to. Or, from her point of view, if she didn't have a place to kick his worthless butt out to.
Thus the "ice house" comes into play. Out on the lake, complete with a wood stove, six pack and maybe a buddy or two, he spends the day out from underfoot doing something he likes. She has the house to herself without him yelling "whats for lunch" during her bridge game.
It's good for everybody. Ice fishing.
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"I wasn't born blue blood. I was born blue-collar." John Wort Hannam
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07-03-2011, 04:01 PM
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#6
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterBlaster
Couples may be in danger of catching RHS disease
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From the article....
But she did not expect that his trash would pile up around the house or that her husband would master the art of selective hearing and selective vision....
I thought that started with the words, 'I do.'
.......ahem......
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There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
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07-03-2011, 08:15 PM
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#7
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 805
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Very interesting.
I read it, thinking it would be a good article to share with DH. It doesn't quite fit, but I have a few qualms.
Ice fishing will probably sound like such a wonderful idea come winter, except we are in Arkansas.
Truly, he has only been retired about a month. So far, so good.
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This seems like a good B-Movie Title
07-03-2011, 09:58 PM
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#8
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,391
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This seems like a good B-Movie Title
"The Man Who Came Home to Stay"
Honey I'm Home !..... Forever
Oh No ! "Retirement came -- your husband is everywhere you look, they're home,"
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07-04-2011, 01:57 AM
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#9
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Duesseldorf, Germany
Posts: 1,202
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I could understand disappointment in "housewifes" when DH retires and they realise that there will not be a retirement for them (from half of housework), too. Instead DH may expect to be taken care of like a child bouncing back...
And on the other side it could cause trouble when DH comes home to implement ideas for managing a household that has run problemfree up to his retirement...
Let's better talk through with our partners what exactly are each one's expectations.
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07-04-2011, 06:25 AM
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#10
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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07-04-2011, 07:35 AM
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#11
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 229
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Our life started when we retired; the daily grind was over. Does my husband irritate me to no end some days? Yes, and I'm sure I do the same to him. But we quickly get over it and move on. Most of our interests are the same; I wonder if that makes a difference?
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07-04-2011, 07:37 AM
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#12
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Hagersville
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI
From the article....
But she did not expect that his trash would pile up around the house or that her husband would master the art of selective hearing and selective vision....
I thought that started with the words, 'I do.'
I] .......ahem...... [/I]
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Actually it is not selective hearing it is simply that incredible power of concentration on the task at hand excludes all external stimuli.
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I wish I was half as good as my dog thinks I am!
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07-04-2011, 07:55 AM
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#13
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Quote:
That has always been my story, and I'm sticking with it.
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There must be moderation in everything, including moderation.
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07-04-2011, 08:30 AM
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#14
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Nov 2010
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I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.
As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.
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07-04-2011, 09:11 AM
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#15
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 58
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My DH has been semi retired over 20 years, retired 6. I went back to work part time,which turned to full time. I thought I had it made. He was my wife, took care of the house, the kids and I could focus on the job and enjoy life when I came home. But he slid into alcohol addiction and our life became a living hell. I found Al Anon and that brought him to AA. He has been in recovery 2 months and our life together is starting to build on more firm ground. I left my wonderful job as a full time person to half time which I admit I did not accept with the grace that I could have. I guess the point of this post is that the future is uncertain and may not turn out as planned or as portrayed in the media. Best wishes for all.
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07-04-2011, 09:26 AM
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#16
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Chattanooga
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Quote:
Originally Posted by devans0
I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.
As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.
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+1 on both man cave and hearing, oh the lock goes on the inside !
__________________
Earning money is an action, saving money is a behavior, growing money takes a well diversified portfolio and the discipline to ignore market swings.
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07-04-2011, 10:05 AM
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#17
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Mr. Amethyst and I both have decreased speech-frequency hearing.
I am still working, so I went to an audiologist, had the hearing loss measured and analyzed, and asked if there was anything to be done about it (not much, except to to compensate e.g. by staying out of crowds, and asking people to repeat themselves). Mr. Amethyst, being retired, simply thinks the females around him don't speak clearly enough. I wonder if retirement will affect me the same way.
Amethyst
Quote:
Originally Posted by devans0
...one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. .
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If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Even a blind clock finds an acorn twice a day.
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07-04-2011, 10:47 AM
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#18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst
Mr. Amethyst and I both have decreased speech-frequency hearing.
Amethyst
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So visit a speech therapist, acquire low sultry voice. Guaranteed to catch notice even for one with high frequency hearing loss.
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There must be moderation in everything, including moderation.
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07-04-2011, 12:47 PM
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#19
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 9,343
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Quote:
Originally Posted by devans0
I've said it before.. Man cave. Now DW and just differ on whether the lock goes on the outside or inside.
As for selective hearing, one of the unfortunate foibles of aging is that men lose their ability to hear the upper frequencies, and women's voices are in the upper frequencies. It is a natural part of our biology and evolution that as we age we are meant to listen less. Personally, I think it is because that hearing range is simply worn out.
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I found this out through an older coworker a few months back. The ladies would complain to me he would ignore them or thought he was better than them. I knew this wasn't true and just thought it was their imagination. He showed up with hearing aids to work and commented how he didnt realize that he couldn't hear women's voices. I should have said something earlier, but he never had a problem hearing me. I didn't think about the upper frequency problem.
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07-04-2011, 01:23 PM
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#20
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2008
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I was assigned a female deputy - we worked in a noisy shared cubicle with lots of other people about. She grew less and less friendly as time went on, and I learned she was complaining to others that I "ignored her." I confronted her about what she was saying behind my back, and she was sharp enough to give me a few examples of when I had "ignored" her. Sure enough, I wasn't hearing her, because she was saying things to my back while others were talking. That's what drove me to the audiologist.
(By the way, this woman was supposed to be very smart, and she knew I was about 10 years older than she. You'd think that hearing loss would be the first thing to occur to a smart person in this situation).
Amethyst
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mulligan
I found this out through an older coworker a few months back. The ladies would complain to me he would ignore them or thought he was better than them. I knew this wasn't true and just thought it was their imagination. .
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If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Even a blind clock finds an acorn twice a day.
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