Guilt v. Helping Loved Ones - fear of being tied down

[Teacher Terry]

Ronstar, the question is can the brother afford the expense?

[Calico]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blueskyk My first husband was severely brain damaged in an accident after we had been married for 18 months. He was 23, I was 27. I cared for him at home for 8 years and then moved him to various shelter care and nursing homes where he lived for the next 24 years, which included 7 years on hospice. So, I was his caregiver and managed his care (weekly visits, doctor appts, various activities, etc.) for 34 years. In the middle of all that, I got divorced and later met my current husband who accepted my commitment to care for my first husband. It wasn’t until my first husband died that we could move and retire. Caregiving is a tough go - it’s really a hero’s journey that starts out with with the loss of whatever else you had planned. “And the sun set, and all the journeying ways were darkened.” (The Odyssey) In my situation, I also had to navigate my way through complicated grief for decades. Resentment is an indignant bitterness at being treated unfairly, a sense of entitlement that life owed you something you didn’t receive and I struggled with it as well. It took a long, long time but eventually I came to peace with all of it. No one ever wants to be the worst thing that happens to someone else. It’s been 4 years since my first husband died and, looking back, caring for him was the formative experience of my life. It taught me everything I now know about sorrow and suffering and love, compassion and sacrifice, beauty and joy. Tragedy, well used, is a master teacher. My greatest fear in life was that it all would be trivial and meaningless - that there wouldn’t be anything deeply noble or true or good I could count myself part of. That fear is gone. If you choose to engage as a caregiver, you’re going to need a tribe of wise counsel to help you craft the balance you need - the caregiver’s life (and dreams and hopes) is just as important as the one receiving care. I am forever grateful for all the help I received from therapists, social workers, attorneys, accountants, grief counselors, doctors, patient care workers, financial planners, chaplains, and all the incredible caregivers and their loved ones I met. If you choose not to be a caregiver, you’ll need help as well to ensure any regrets are resolved. Otherwise, you won’t really be free. Not a single day goes by that I am not grateful for the ease of my current life. I know everything can change in a moment. So, I keep my copy of The Odyssey at hand to remember the journey of life is perilous and well, non-trivial.

Yours is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read here, and one of the most powerful stories I have ever heard.

It is inspiring and remarkable that you honored your commitment to your first husband and at the same time were able to build a life for yourself with a new partner (especially one who understood your commitment to your first partner).

I hope your retirement is filled with many blessings for years to come.

[blueskyk]

Thanks for all the kind comments but let me assure you I’m no saint. In many ways, perhaps its similar to what every parent knows about raising kids (I never had any, didn’t see how I could manage it all things considered)- you do the best you can and make peace with when you fell short. Many, many people live lives of quiet courage and sacrifice and love in less (and more) dramatic circumstances. Footnote - your comment was one of the best things anyone ever said to me - I can heartily declare I worked very hard to learn and grow. To me, it felt like the story of Jacob and the angel, I wrestled and would not let go until he blessed me; broke my hip and walked with a limp ever since.

There are a couple of things that I smile about when I read them here. One is about LTC - I’m a fan. I got this at Megacorp and continued it when we retired. Premiums are about $150 a month for both of us. I’ll be thrilled if we never use it. People at work used to always complain about their HC premiums and how they were paying a lot for something they never use. I always thought, “You have no idea how fortunate you are”.

The other is about nursing homes; I’ve made my husband PROMISE to put me there if he needs to. Over the years I was always able to find great places that were clean, well managed and had great staff. I tell him it’s my gift to him - just visit me regularly, be sure I’m well cared for and make a life for yourself.

DH and I have also thoroughly discussed and executed advanced directives and the kind of support we are asking of the other in medical situations. You’re never too young to do this.