hermit tendencies?

[Shawn]

Not seeing people all day seems to be making me more introverted and withdrawn. It has started to seem like work to get dressed and go out. And when I am out I don't like to talk to people -- store clerks, etc. etc.

Some days the only people I "talk" to are you guys. How unhealthy is THAT?

There is a difference between being an introvert and being withdrawn just like there is a difference between introversion and shyness. I'm an extreme introvert but I'm not that shy. One of my best friends is an extrovert but she is very shy." Being withdrawn can be caused by a life situation, and depending on the circumstances and extent, may not be healthy if it interfers with your natural emotional needs.

Is it healthy to stay at home or to not like to talk to store clerks? Maybe. For the most part, an individual needs to answer this question for themselves. It may be very healthy to be a "hermit" if interactions cause a person stress and anxiety.

As for me, I like being at home alone (with pets) but I also like "getting out" for physical activity (bicycling, running, hiking, backpacking). I don't mind crowds and I don't mind being around a group of people as long as I don't have a social obligation to interact with them. One-on-one interactions are OK but one of the most agonizing things I can do is sit (be trapped) around a table and have lunch or dinner with a group of casual friends.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Being withdrawn can be caused by a life situation, and depending on the circumstances and extent, may not be healthy if it interfers with your natural emotional needs.

That was my point...while introversion may be a normal, comfortable and healthy lifestyle, it may also be an indication of an easily correctable physical or moderately easily correctable emotional issue.

A little medical advice could help launch you into the world of having to deal with the full collection of morons, psychopaths and mental defectives the rest of us have to engage on a daily basis.

Consider how you could live a fuller life.

 

[FinanceDude]

I'm an introvert by nature. But after four years of working from home I've had too much of a good thing.

Not seeing people all day seems to be making me more introverted and withdrawn. It has started to seem like work to get dressed and go out. And when I am out I don't like to talk to people -- store clerks, etc. etc.

Some days the only people I "talk" to are you guys. How unhealthy is THAT?

Unhealthy.............even an introvert needs to "get out there". Make it a game to get to know some people you see all the time..........UPS guy/gal, mailman, etc. How about a neighbor? Those are less threatening than the total body pierced red and orange dyed hair "dude" at the local market.............

But....we are always here for you.............

 

[Elderdude]

Hermit couple here. I believe Fuzzy has it nailed.

That was my point...while introversion may be a normal, comfortable and healthy lifestyle, it may also be an indication of an easily correctable physical or moderately easily correctable emotional issue.

A little medical advice could help launch you into the world of having to deal with the full collection of morons, psychopaths and mental defectives the rest of us have to engage on a daily basis.

Consider how you could live a fuller life.

 

[Goonie]

"loneliness is a word to express the pain of being alone...solitude is a word to express the glory of being alone." ~~ paul tillich

Yeah, that was the one I had read some time ago.....It sounds a bit more profound than my butchered version.

 

[haha]

Presumably single hermits are ok with facing life's challenges alone. Couple hermits are IMO is a more exposed position. They are not necessarily OK with going it alone; all they know is that they are OK without any help from outside their duo.

But what if one dies? Gets very sick? Loses his/her mind? Then a person who may have been very dependent on his/her partner suddenly shoulders it all alone, without any training wheels.

Emotional diversification can be just as important as financial diversification.

ha

 

[CybrMike]

Tough for me to understand the introvert way of life. Seems like a grumpy, lonely existence to me.

 

[JonnyM]

Couple hermits are IMO is a more exposed position. They are not necessarily OK with going it alone; all they know is that they are OK without any help from outside their duo.

But what if one dies? Gets very sick? Loses his/her mind? Then a person who may have been very dependent on his/her partner suddenly shoulders it all alone, without any training wheels.

Emotional diversification can be just as important as financial diversification.

ha

and your point?

(Seriously just had a huddle with the IGBW and we agreed that if you'll show us someone that without whining, complaining, bitching, and moaning, and we'll be happy to join in.) IGBW sometimes attends art classes nearly always all female (unless I go with her) and all the woman do is trash their spouses and talk about the pain and agony of their miserable lives. We just find it rare to find people to have interesting conversations with, we try to broaden ourselves with human interaction but our consistently disappointed, with the notable exceptions of those few other EXTREMELY rare people that are genuinely happy with their own lives, whose conversations and friendships we truely treasure. Unfortunately they don't live close and we aren't able to see them often.

But should either one of us go, we both know how to carry on, we lived alone before we met, ran households independently, and feel well able to take care of the other if need be, and indeed believe we have in past lives, and in the future absence of the other, the survivor will carry on in single hermit mode as before the union took place.

We just find in general we can do without the griping and afforementioned bitchin' and moanin' that the masses are prone to emit.

 

[youbet]

Presumably single hermits are ok with facing life's challenges alone. Couple hermits are IMO is a more exposed position. They are not necessarily OK with going it alone; all they know is that they are OK without any help from outside their duo.

But what if one dies? Gets very sick? Loses his/her mind? Then a person who may have been very dependent on his/her partner suddenly shoulders it all alone, without any training wheels.

Emotional diversification can be just as important as financial diversification.

ha

Excellent points Ha........

DW and I enjoy time alone, with each other and shared with others. We just don't like to be alone all the time, with each other all the time, apart from each other all the time, with others all the time, or away from others all the time. A variety of social situations and interpersonal interactions works best for us.

But if others need to be alone all the time, or be with others all the time, that's fine with us. Life would be boring if all our friends were alike!

 

[sgeeeee]

I like to be around most people. I'm not always sure about the posters here though.

 

[Linney]

Tough for me to understand the introvert way of life. Seems like a grumpy, lonely existence to me.

Sigh. We are so misunderstood.

Care to read the excellent link posted earlier by Nords? Pretty spot-on. Here it is again:

Oh yeah. Spouse and I are easily & frequently overstimulated by having to interact with the rest of the human race. Regular quiet time helps a lot.

"Caring For Your Introvert"

 

[unclemick]

INTJ

heh heh heh

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Tough for me to understand the introvert way of life. Seems like a grumpy, lonely existence to me.

People in general just tend to irritate me. (Maybe
y'all have noticed ths?) This trait is becoming
more pronounced as I age. I see cluelessness and
plain stupidity at every turn. Can hardly stand
to watch TV, for example, and radio talk shows are
not much better (Limbaugh being an exception).
My former spouse once said, "You will die an old man
alone!" I said, "God, I hope so!"

JG

 

[Sandy]

But should either one of us go, we both know how to carry on, we lived alone before we met, ran households independently, and feel well able to take care of the other if need be, and indeed believe we have in past lives, and in the future absence of the other, the survivor will carry on in single hermit mode as before the union took place.

As a good strong introvert, I agree, but at the same time I know from the many years that I lived alone, having at least 1 important person in the wings makes a tremendous difference - even if they are not involved daily. As my DH is 10years older than I am, I expect to be left alone and wonder how I will cope. Depends on my age I suppose. But since I plan on being a rich widow, maybe I will want to attract a young plaything

 

[FinanceDude]

As a good strong introvert, I agree, but at the same time I know from the many years that I lived alone, having at least 1 important person in the wings makes a tremendous difference - even if they are not involved daily. As my DH is 10years older than I am, I expect to be left alone and wonder how I will cope. Depends on my age I suppose. But since I plan on being a rich widow, maybe I will want to attract a young plaything

Maybe that's my mom's plan,,,,,,,,,,,,,also 10 years younger than my dad.........

 

[Shawn]

Extroverts do not understand introverts.

Tough for me to understand the introvert way of life. Seems like a grumpy, lonely existence to me.

Like I said, extroverts do not understand introverts.

Worse, extroverts often suggest to introverts that they do things that they do not want to do. "You'll be much happier if you do this" (some activity involving interaction). "You'll have a great time if you do that" (another activity involving interaction). "It's unhealthy to stay at home when you could be at a party with others." No. I will not be happier and I will not have a great time. I will have a stressful time and be praying for the agony to end. As for my health, my resting pulse is well under 40 and I haven't missed a day of school/work due to sickness in over 35 years. My biggest health problem at the moment is the stress caused by my job, and one of the main stress contributors is all the interactions I have to do with other people.

I have no desire to strike up an idle conversation with my mailman or the store clerk. I'm sure they are great people and I'm polite and give them a friendly smile and thank you when they give me my mail or change. However, I have no desire to interact for the sake of interacting.

On the otherhand, I love the time I spend with my few close friends (as long as they don't invite others to join in). They are very important parts of my life.

 

[Khan]

Like I said, extroverts do not understand introverts.

Worse, extroverts often suggest to introverts that they do things that they do not want to do. "You'll be much happier if you do this" (some activity involving interaction). "You'll have a great time if you do that" (another activity involving interaction). "It's unhealthy to stay at home when you could be at a party with others." No. I will not be happier and I will not have a great time. I will have a stressful time and be praying for the agony to end.

I've had a lifetime of such advice with similar results.

As for my health, my resting pulse is well under 40 and I haven't missed a day of school/work due to sickness in over 35 years. My biggest health problem at the moment is the stress caused by my job, and one of the main stress contributors is all the interactions I have to do with other people.

My health improved dramatically after retiring, 90% of that improvement was due to not having to interact.

I have no desire to strike up an idle conversation with my mailman or the store clerk. I'm sure they are great people and I'm polite and give them a friendly smile and thank you when they give me my mail or change. However, I have no desire to interact for the sake of interacting.

If I engage in conversation with them I'm preventing them from doing their job or from serving the next customer.

 

[Canadian FIRE]

Ok, I can agree with hermit like lifestyle at times. Yet I also find that my last job in sales showed me that just about anyone can be interesting, you just have to get past the first impression most of the time.

At the same time I found that last job like wearing a mask all day, I wasn't myself because unlike a good friend you can't just say "I don't care about that, can we talk about X?" to a client.

Oh well I'm back to 'pure' engineering, so I do numbers, write reports and have the occasion meeting about issues I do care about. It's so nice.

 

[tangomonster]

Haven't posted for a while, but this is a thread that I can really relate to!
Although I know and accept my extreme introversion, somehow it's reassuring to know that there are some other people with this characteristic out there. Like you, Uncle Clem, I'm an INTJ. Not shy, just
introverted. And I have social skills where I can chat with strangers/
acquaintances---but if it goes on for too long, I'm drained. The social skills are there; it's the social desire that's lacking. Khan and Jonny M, sounds like we share the same level of introversion. Like Jonny, I'm part of an introverted couple and we're also never really apart.

This Christmas (my first FIREd), it was a blessing not to have to worry
(dread) the company Christmas party!

My only real concern is that I'm no longer enjoying activities as part of the crowd. Gave up movie theatres years ago since it's cheaper to rent movies at home and we like mostly independent/foreign type films that aren't typically shown in multiplex theatres---but mostly because we were bothered by other people's behavior (like talking). Now I'm experiencing similar behavior at the symphony and opera. It would be simpler and cheaper to just enjoy music (radio, CDs, DVDs) at home---but going out to cultural events has been our enforced (gotta do it, season tickets) means of getting out and interacting with the world.

Because I enjoy walking and nature so much, I do frequent parks, and usually don't mind the momentary being around others on a trail.

Any crowd/getting out in the public activities that you other introverts enjoy?

 

[mrtedd]

I've been lurking for over a year now, but this topic finally brought me out.

I'm also an INTJ and experience life in ways that are similar to what's been posted. So much so that I created a website to air my feelings on the matter. You can check it out here:

www.introvertnation.com

mrtedd

 

[youbet]

Like I said, extroverts do not understand introverts.

Shawn, your statement would have additional credibility if it said "some extroverts do not understand introverts." Perhaps you were implying that? And, of course, we should realize that all people do not fit nicely into either an "introvert" or "extrovert" box. There are an infinite number of gradients between the two extremes.

DW and I are blessed to have a broad spectrum of friends and enjoy them all, however we've learned they do not all enjoy each other. A few are quite introverted and over time we've learned to not invite them to larger gatherings where they would be uncomfortable. We do enjoy seeing them when we can arrange for it to be just the four of us to play bridge, watch a DVD, etc.

You need to be free to do your own thing. If a few agressive folks make you uncomfortable by pushing social interaction you're not interested in, tell them your feelings bluntly and go your own way.

 

[Nords]

Tough for me to understand the introvert way of life. Seems like a grumpy, lonely existence to me.

I sympathize because we've been thinking the same thing about you extroverts...

Any crowd/getting out in the public activities that you other introverts enjoy?

The surf lineup, the beach, or anywhere that I can watch the madding crowds go by and enjoy the show.

Our personality traits are not as definite as it seems. The guys who came up with the four-letter personality profiles have also written that people tend to develop their complementary skills as they grow older. In other words you may revert to type at any time, but as you mature (or at least age) you tend to apply the other four skills to some degree. So we can change, really we can.

In ER, when I'm not stressed out with work or commuting or with whatever else has to get done around the office, I can be much more extroverted. We're also much more able to control the interactions to off-peak times-- it's a lot easier to chat up a Wal-Mart clerk at 10:15 on a Thursday morning than at 4 PM Saturday. Spouse has noticed that over the last four years I can schmooze with just about anyone and have an entire conversation about nothing. This comes in very handy with the service organizations and local businesses.

I'm also known as the "Retired Caller Who'll Talk Until Hell Freezes Over" at many fine alleged customer-service call centers where their business' performance for my money doesn't match their claims.

 

[flipstress]

I think we all are different and each of us are at some point along the range of introversion and extroversion. (While I was typing, youbet said the same thing and I agree.)

It must feel bad to be given advice on socializing more or going out when one is introverted and find big and/or public and/or shallow social interactions draining.

From this thread, and from myself, I see that introversion does not mean one does not value relationships with others. Previous posters that are introverted mentioned they have few, close relationships and that's enough for them (and for me, too).

It seems to me that we all grow the most in the context of meaningful relationships with others. So I think that even if one were introverted, one or a few close relationships are important to nourish us and give meaning to our lives. I think total hermit tendencies without ties to any other being are what would cause problems.

It seems that introverts are more discriminating with whom they associate.

Regarding hermit couples and one's partner dying, I don't know how I'd survive that. I guess that I will go insane for a little while and I hope that the love of other people in my life will pull me through. I imagine it would be like losing an arm or a leg or part of one's heart when that happens, especially if the deceased partner was loved for a long time. I can see HaHa's point that it would be very hard to lose one's partner if one did not have other meaningful persons in life.

BF is also 10 years older than me. It's easy to assume he'd go before me but he gets more exercise and I have a weakness for butter and for pork products like as does cb's wife, who IIRC has a fondness for bacon. (BTW, cb, congrats on your retirement--I seem to remember you have retired already.)

Edited to use correct prepositional phrase

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Maybe this is a semantic problem.

Seems to me there are lots of introverts (i.e. shy folks) who nonetheless enjoy being around others. They are attentive, laugh and empathize but just don't say much.

Isn't that different from someone who really doesn't like being around people at all?

 

[Nords]

Isn't that different from someone who really doesn't like being around people at all?

No, not as long as we're controlling the interaction. It's like watching TV while you're holding the remote control.

For every hour I spend out in public I seem to need at least two hours on my own. When I'm up at 3 AM for a few hours of solitude, just me and my high-bandwidth connection, I can quickly lose track of time. When the rest of the family gets up it's hard to disengage without being grumpy about the interruption-- and they're the people I like!