Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-26-2013, 04:11 PM   #21
gone traveling
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 333
It's not for me but I've known a number of married couples who "lived apart" for a good bit of their working lives (off shore and/or overseas jobs) 4 to 6 weeks at home and 4 to 6 weeks away. Most seemed to adjust and it worked well (or so it seems ). Separations due to military service can be a good bit longer.
__________________

__________________
HighRoller is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-26-2013, 04:24 PM   #22
Moderator
Ronstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: A little ways southwest of Chicago
Posts: 9,353
Like others have said, I would do the snowbird thing. I have been doing this for 11 years, but limiting my time away to one week per trip. Maybe 8 trips a year. Works ok until there's a problem that she can't handle - such as a snowstorm.
__________________

__________________
Ronstar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2013, 04:27 PM   #23
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Rocky Inlets
Posts: 24,463
Quote:
Originally Posted by trapperjohn View Post
I'm almost ready to RE and move to a warmer climate. DW has no interest in retiring or moving anywhere at any time in the future. We're seriously thinking of remaining married, but living apart....in our case, living quite a long way apart.

Kids are all grown and living scattered across the country. Finances and healthcare are also not an issue or consideration.

Recently I read that many couples consider this living arrangement because they cannot or will not find an acceptable compromise. It's called "living apart together".

I'd like to hear from any of you who have tried or are now "living apart together". Is it working for you. If not, why not?
Why not spend half the year in each location, always together?
__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Thanks
Old 04-26-2013, 05:54 PM   #24
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 72
Thanks

When I first read several of your responses, I sat down and cranked off a very long, detailed, and heated response. Then I set it aside, returned to it later, and drastically edited it.

Generally, I want to thank everyone for their responses. Some have been humorous and some have been helpful. Some have suggested things that DW and I have already been discussing/doing.

Some have shared their experiences, or impressions of others in that living arrangement. That was exactly what I was asking for. Thank you.

But some have posted replies that are nothing other than their opinions based upon false assumptions about how we should be living our lives and what we should be doing in order to change something. They really have no idea what DW and I have done or not done, or why I posted what I posted. FinanceDude was particularly offensive in that regard. But hey, itís a free country, so post away!

When I posted my original questions, I asked people WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT LIVING ARRANGEMENT to share with us if it worked or not, and why. Iím not interested in your opinions or advice regarding my marriage. And Iím not interested in your responses if you havenít been there, or donít know someone whoís been there.

Iíve been doing quite a bit of research about non-financial aspects of retirement living. Iíve read about this ďliving apart togetherĒ arrangement from a couple of different sources, but Iím wondering how realistic it is. So let me repeat my original request: I'd like to hear from any of you who have tried or are now "living apart together". Is it working for you. If not, why not?
__________________
trapperjohn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2013, 08:34 PM   #25
Administrator
Gumby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 10,146
One of the first things we learn here as new members is that this is a crowd that doesn't take direction readily. You may wish to limit discussion to certain parameters, but I can tell you from long experience, your desire will not be heeded. People will go off on tangents, hijack the thread and otherwise not comply with your instructions. I suggest that you just ignore the posts you don't find helpful.

To address your specific question -- when the young wife and I were first married, I was in the Navy, and we spent very long periods of time living separately. It was very difficult, but we were young and we survived it. I suspect that it would be even more difficult now that we are older; there is something to be said for coming home to her every evening.
__________________
Living an analog life in the Digital Age.
Gumby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2013, 08:36 PM   #26
Full time employment: Posting here.
bjorn2bwild's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Western US
Posts: 690
Don't shoot the Bjorn, he only wants to help.

I have considered something like what you suggest to solve a two-speed retirement plan, but only for 1-2yrs. I'm still working on the idea.
The only way to know for sure if the plan will work for you is to give it a try. There is no subsitute for empirical knowledge.

I have done small footprint moves - rent a house for 6mos., take just what you need in a small moving van, keep it simple. And I have traveled by RV. Both would work as low risk trial runs.

Please read my signature, good luck
__________________
How's it going to end..............
bjorn2bwild is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 05:36 AM   #27
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 5,887
OP, you can't demand specificity on a public forum, or disdain opinions simply because they are labeled opinions. Questions are public property and the answers are supposed to be for everyone. People may not care to share details. Would you prefer a dead question with no responses?

I was caused immense pain by an arrangement such as you describe, and I attempted to generalize from what I learned from that experience. Of course I am not you or your wife, so how would my details benefit you anyway? Take it or leave it....people are not getting the details

A.

Quote:
Originally Posted by trapperjohn View Post
When I first read several of your responses, I sat down and cranked off a very long, detailed, and heated response...

When I posted my original questions, I asked people WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT LIVING ARRANGEMENT to share with us if it worked or not, and why. I’m not interested in your opinions or advice regarding my marriage. And I’m not interested in your responses if you haven’t been there, or don’t know someone who’s been there.
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success Ė to be able to spend your life in your own way.í Christopher Morley.
Amethyst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 06:45 AM   #28
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
heeyy_joe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Madeira Beach Fl
Posts: 1,403
__________________
_______________________________________________
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do" --Bob Dylan.
heeyy_joe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 07:04 AM   #29
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 72
This is exactly our situation, Bjorn. We've been married for 30+ years with no intention of divorce. DW stayed home to raise the kids and then went back to work. Her career is rising, but mine is winding down. We're thinking of me living down south (with frequent and extended trips home) for a few years until both she and I can agree on something else.
__________________
trapperjohn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 07:06 AM   #30
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 16,375
Quote:
Originally Posted by trapperjohn View Post
Wh...
When I posted my original questions, I asked people WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT LIVING ARRANGEMENT to share with us if it worked or not, and why.....And I’m not interested in your responses if you haven’t been there, or don’t know someone who’s been there.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of research about non-financial aspects of retirement living. I’ve read about this “living apart together” arrangement from a couple of different sources, but I’m wondering how realistic it is. So let me repeat my original request: I'd like to hear from any of you who have tried or are now "living apart together". Is it working for you. If not, why not?
Well, all righty then.

I know one couple with grown children who voluntarily has chosen to maintain separate households yet remain married but they are not in your situation (they are in the same city).

I imagine you would find many couples in your one-retired, one-not in the snowbird/vacation home areas. A friend spends several weeks a year going back and forth. This is not at all unusual and it sounds more like what you are describing while your DW is still working or are you planning to move all your possessions out of the family house?
__________________
ďWould you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?Ē J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Bestwifeever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 07:40 AM   #31
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 332
My ex-in-laws had an arrangement like this. He liked his lake home up north and she preferred a warmer climate. She bought a trailer in the SE and spent the six winter months there. They grew apart over time and when she would come to the house for the summer they basically lived on separate floors in their large house. They never divorced, and lived like this for several years. He passed and she immediately sold the house. Not saying this would happen to you, but is an actual example, as you asked.
__________________
Idnar7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 07:56 AM   #32
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
calmloki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 5,459
For a number of years my gal was doing two weeks on/two home with me while caring for her mother. About a thousand miles away. It was a difficult time that had lasting repercussions as we both learned new habits. Living apart, though for the best of reasons, was not good for us.
__________________
calmloki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 08:26 AM   #33
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,018
I know a couple who did this. She had a good job and was very attached to her work. He lost his job, tried another opportunity in the same city, didn't' like it, found a better job in another city, and moved there. He commuted home regularly. This continued for about 10 years, until he retired and moved back "home". She is still working. They are both independent, self sufficient people, from different parts of the world, and they have always taken separate vacations to their countries of origin or to visit their adult children. The arrangement worked for them, and they don't care what other people think. The difference between this couple and the OP's situation is that the separation was driven by a need to find satisfying work.
__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 09:36 AM   #34
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 189
The last 11 years before I retired, I worked in another state/city about 4 hours away...too far for a daily commute. So...I was home on the weekends and went to work from an apartment in that other location during the week.

The combination of DW being in the same location as both of our extended families and not having children that needed my presence made this workable, though not desirable. However, the pay and benefits (which allowed me to early retire comfortably) were important in the longer term...and we discussed all our options before choosing to live apart. A last item that I believe was vital to this arrangement was that, however long it lasted, we knew that when I retired, we would be together full time. I can attest since I retired last year, being together is wonderful. It sounds like living apart is not a permanent arrangement in your case, no matter which option you choose. I believe that fact is important to the success of your plan.

Other items that came into play from this arrangement...cost to have multiple residences, increased travel/auto costs, need to file income taxes in two states come to mind immediately...may also be in play for your situation.

Best of luck as you and your spouse come up with the way ahead.
__________________
Greg V is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 01:10 PM   #35
Administrator
W2R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 38,899
Quote:
Originally Posted by trapperjohn View Post
I'm almost ready to RE and move to a warmer climate. DW has no interest in retiring or moving anywhere at any time in the future. We're seriously thinking of remaining married, but living apart....in our case, living quite a long way apart.

Kids are all grown and living scattered across the country. Finances and healthcare are also not an issue or consideration.

Recently I read that many couples consider this living arrangement because they cannot or will not find an acceptable compromise. It's called "living apart together".
There is a HUGE difference between doing this while working and doing this while retired.

In the first case, you are generally moving away and living apart because you have to... due to the location requirements of the job.

In the second case, you are generally moving away and living apart because you want to and not because you have to.

I know many couples who have successfully lived apart while working, including me as a Navy wife for many years. I knew what I was getting into when I married a sea-going man so it was no surprise when he had to go. But frankly, I don't know any couples who lived in different parts of the country 100% of the time while retired, without gravely insulting the spouse (by valuing the spouse less than, say, climate, or some such triviality) and ending the marriage.

So we are not supposed to mention divorce? Sounds to me like you want to hear what you want to hear. Sorry to bring divorce up once again, but the real life outcomes I have seen (but will not detail here) have not been at all what you want to hear.
__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities.

- - H. Melville, 1851
W2R is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 02:31 PM   #36
Moderator
Ronstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: A little ways southwest of Chicago
Posts: 9,353
And I think this type of arrangement gets tougher as one ages. More trips to doctors, etc and plenty of other things that we once did ourselves now take a couple to conquer.
__________________
Ronstar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 03:51 PM   #37
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by W2R View Post

So we are not supposed to mention divorce? Sounds to me like you want to hear what you want to hear. Sorry to bring divorce up once again, but the real life outcomes I have seen (but will not detail here) have not been at all what you want to hear.
W2R, I’m not at all opposed to mentioning divorce. Especially if someone has experienced living apart (or knows someone who has) and divorce became a factor.

What I’m opposed to is your automatic assumption that I value my wife less than weather just because of the way I worded the question. I opposed FinanceDude’s automatic assumption that our marriage has problems just because I asked the question.

I didn’t ask the question because I want to justify something that I’ve already decided to do. I asked the question because I’ve read mostly passing references to the arrangement in other sources. I didn’t think it was widespread, but I wanted to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly from people who have experienced it.

Contrary to the incorrect assumptions, there have been several people who have posted replies here about the living arrangement. They’ve shared the negative side of the arrangement, which I did not hear from my other sources, so I’m thankful.

And as I said before….it’s a free country….post away!
__________________
trapperjohn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 04:12 PM   #38
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,035
Living in Florida I see plenty of people vacationing here without there spouses . Guys doing golf junkets or spring training trips . Women taking cruises without their spouses. In fact a huge segment of travel now focus on women get aways . Just because we are in committed relationships doesn't mean we have to be glued to the hip .Go for it . The only thing to be careful of the Florida Barracudas and I am not referring to the fish . I am referring to the excess of single women that are on the lookout for a guy and a wedding ring will not deter them.
__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 04:51 PM   #39
Administrator
Gumby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 10,146
Quote:
Originally Posted by trapperjohn View Post
What Iím opposed to is your automatic assumption that I value my wife less than weather just because of the way I worded the question.
Then I'd say it was a poorly worded question.
__________________
Living an analog life in the Digital Age.
Gumby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2013, 05:19 PM   #40
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 731
I have not tried this arrangement but have thought about it a bit. My SO doesn't seem to want to leave the area we live in - even for many vacations. I'm retired (he is mostly retired and also is self-employed).

I travel a lot so I can enjoy warmer weather or a different part of the country or world for a couple of weeks here and there. He doesn't mind - I wish he liked to travel more but he doesn't. But I can't say for you whether your "married living apart" scenario would have a good outcome - I just know for me, I'd rather do as I'm doing.

I would be curious to hear from people who live apart that way, though.

EDIT: We kind of did this for years, but in the same city. He came and stayed with me on weekends and we talked every night. There were logistical reasons for his not moving. In any case, we did see each other on weekends so it didn't have the impact of a several-months-apart scenario. It was hard on the relationship - and this lasted maybe 12 - 13 years We've been together 20+ years.
__________________

__________________
Retired July 2, 2010 at 62. My only regret is that I couldn't do it sooner.
thinker25 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:12 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.