Loneliness of ER -- where are all the other ER's?

[W2R]

Most of the houses in my middle class neighborhood were built in 1972, give or take a year, since it was just swamp and a great place to hunt before that year. On my block, the original owners or their grown children occupy nearly all of the houses.

I would say 2-3 people on the block (including me) actually work. The others participate in what I regard as a real life soap opera, given that the families have known and interacted with one another for 37 years. They sit outside in their carports and wave when neighbors drive by. The wives get together during the day and gossip. The husbands do, too. Not my cup of tea! But it sounds like what you are looking for.

That is not the existence I am seeking in retirement. I plan to go to the gym each morning, to have lunch with my companion, Frank, and then maybe I or we might go shopping, garden, go to the library, or do whatever appeals to me or us in the afternoons. My vision of ER sounds pretty blissful to me. It is unlikely that I would feel lonely, but if I do then I might join a bird watching group or volunteer.

People are everywhere, doing what interests them. So follow your interests and you may find people that you like that are doing the same sorts of things. I have a list of 22 activities and interests that I want to especially focus on in retirement. These are things that I don't presently have enough time for, but always wanted to do. Examples are bird watching, brushing up on my piano playing, and taking beginning classes in finance and economics. Some of the activities and interests on my list are solitary, some not.

 

[Cattusbabe]

What is that old cliche? It's what you make of it. Kabekew, How much of a life do you have outside of work situations? Any friends or interests that are not work related? If most of your social contact is job related then you will have to build a non-work related social circle. For me the chance to ER was worth that effort. So reinvent your life now that you have the time to do it.

 

[Moemg]

Just wondering how old you are and where you live ? I live in Florida so there are retirees everywhere of all ages and ready for social interaction . Plus with the great weather people are usually out and about .

 

[CyclingInvestor]

I retired 2+ years ago at 48. I bike, work out, travel, and hang out with my 3 dogs. Just like when I used to work (programmer), my best days (and most of my days qualify as best days) are usually when I do not interact with anyone. I like to hang out with my few close friends, but otherwise not so much. Sometimes I practice socializing (going to a wine dinner alone, etc), but that will drain my mental energy for days.

This long term introversion has left me well prepared for retirement. I suspect those who need alot of human contact have a much tougher time.

 

[Dawg52]

I retired 2+ years ago at 48. I bike, work out, travel, and hang out with my 3 dogs. Just like when I used to work (programmer), my best days (and most of my days qualify as best days) are usually when I do not interact with anyone. I like to hang out with my few close friends, but otherwise not so much. Sometimes I practice socializing (going to a wine dinner alone, etc), but that will drain my mental energy for days.

This long term introversion has left me well prepared for retirement. I suspect those who need alot of human contact have a much tougher time.

True. I'm spending another day with my best buddy. Golf course closed until tomorrow. But will take my furry friend on a hike today.

 

[ls99]

But when 2pm rolls around and you're ready to head into town on the local city bus for a new adventure, they're ready for a nap. Not really fun for a semi-young ER.

You need to perfect the fine art of siesta.

 

[FIRE'd@51]

Kabekew,

Have you considered relocating to an area where there are more ER's? IMO, if you live in an area where nearly everyone else your age is working, you will naturally feel out of place. I know I would. So, unless you are wedded to where you now live, I would recommend investigating relocation.

 

[DangerMouse]

I've moved a lot over the years so I think that has given my an idea of what it is like to be isolated and on how to get out there and meet people.

Things that helped me in the past are as follows:

1. I took up tennis at the Y. I joined the Thursday morning class where I got to meet some other people. I also took some private lessons so I was one of the better players. As a consequence when some of the gals were getting together to play outside of the class I would get invited to play. Also I would make an effort to be super friendly with everyone, ask them about themselves etc. As an introvert this was hard, however knew it had to be done.

2. If you get talking to someone anywhere who you find interesting, throw them an invite for coffee someday. Exchange cell phone numbers and give them a call. This has worked for me. I'm having a facial today with a friend who I picked up at the beauty salon and coffee tomorrow with someone from the change rooms at a clothing store at the mall.

3. There is a site Meetup.com where you can find groups in your area which have all kinds of interests. Take a look, I have joined a couple of expat groups, never been to one of their main functions but have had lunch with a couple of people from the site.

Personally I don't mind being on my own for the majority of the time. Everywhere you go there are people to talk with if you make the effort. How about volunteering somewhere that you have an interest in i.e zoo, art gallery, acquarium, environmental cause?

 

[Steve O]

Been spending a lot of time with my younger layed off unemployed friends, they like to joke that they are "retired"... Makes me feel fortunate to have ER'd at 39

 

[ESRBob]

Kabekew,
Don't beat yourself up -- it can be hard to make the transition -- sort of like riding a bike and at some point you get the hang of it and can do an "ER day" or week smoothly. But I also remember the first few months and there did seem like a gap there in the socializing part in particular.

I don't know about you, but I'm a list-maker. Just write down all the stuff you've always wanted to do or can think of doing, post it somewhere obvious, and take a stab at doing something on that list every day. It will get you out of your head and into new activities that will get you out with people who share your interests. Working out/exercise classes are always a good fall-back position. Think about creating a new (temporary perhaps) structure in your day to mimic a bit of the old structure work gave you. Wake, bkfst, exercise class, library, lunch, do something from your list, learn a new skill, read the paper, chill, whatever. Then it's dinner time. After awhile it won't feel so contrived and your interests will take on a life of their own.

Make a point of socializing when your friends are free, too. Good luck with it.

 

[freebird5825]

This book was a lifesaver for me when I first FIREd. I still pick it up and re-read it if boredom hits.
How To Retire Happy Wild and Free, author Ernie Zelinski
see pgs 85-91 for ideas
A preview of the book index and 1st chapter can be found at
http://www.thejoyofnotworking.com/

Good luck

 

[novaman]

Your original post really echo's much of my thoughts on RE, which is why I plan on only semi retiring when the time comes. I think you get the best of both worlds when you only work part time. Your 2 weeks of work then 2 weeks off seems like an ideal situation.

 

[Billy]

Maybe the 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off kept you in the ‘almost working’ mode. What if you had a month or 2 off? Where would you go? Break free from your regular routine of ‘almost working’ and do something completely different.

Take up a sport like tennis, golf, surfing, martial arts or even salsa dancing where you get physical activity and get out of yourself, getting your endorphins going and being able to meet people at the same time. You will also need to practice, so whenever you don’t have something to do, you could practice.

Learn to play a musical instrument, take a language class, learn how to paint or make pottery or go to your community college and see what they have to offer.

Join a club with other people who have common interests the same as you do.

Learn to cook, then ask someone over to your house for lunch or dinner.

Ask your local Hospice how you could help. Be a big Brother or Sister to someone who need help, friendship and direction. Go to your local animal shelter and see what they need.

Get your mind off yourself and see how you can help others. Your life will expand in really wonderful happy ways.

Best of luck!

Akaisha
Author, The Adventurer’s Guide to Early Retirement.

 

[Amethyst]

During the day, the only people "out" around town are the elderly, housewives and I suppose the chronically unemployed.

It would be nice to be retired and be able to golf with peer friends and not have to wait for the weekend, or decide to head up to Alaska on a fishing trip until we get bored and decide to come back... or rent a sailboat and hop around the Bahamas. Isn't that what early retirement is all about? How do we hook up?

Maybe country clubs are an answer, but at least the few in my area I've checked out are pretty dead during the week. So where are you guys? Alumni clubs? Yacht clubs? Or mostly just involved in solitary activities?

When I retire, I don't expect to be hanging around yacht clubs, country clubs, and the like. I suppose those folks are out making more $$ so they can buy bigger yachts. Maybe you need to hook up with some trust fund beneficiaries, and not LBYM ER folks?

--Aspirant to the status of "elderly housewife"

 

[RonBoyd]

So where do all the early retirees tend to loiter? Ski slopes? Europe? Where are you all?

We have traveled around 20,000 miles exploring these United States in our RV since June. Spending 2-3 weeks on the road and then returning to Denver betweeb trips. We are, right now, in Beaumont Texas. Where are you?

The retirees we meet -- and there are a very large number -- are a very active and happy bunch.

Get up, get your body in motion.

Ron

 

[Khan]

My blue-collar neighborhood has been changing as the depression/WW2 generation has died off and some houses have been turned into 4 or 5 student housing.

 

[audreyh1]

First of all, I have my husband to hang out with, so that takes care of a lot of the "loneliness" factor. I imagine things would be very different were I single, but I also think I know what I would do in that case. I think group travel would be high on the list, we've done nature travel with small groups and really enjoyed it. My experience with these groups is that the ages can range vary widely - 40 to 80 can be in the same group. It's pretty amazing doing a 10-mile steep ascent desert hike with an 80 year old man but I was privileged to experience just that. And he and his wife were thrilled to get my video of the trip for Xmas to show all their family who didn't get why they were "out there" having fun.

Anyway, we meet people socially when we are out doing the things we like to do. We have made a lot of friends that way. We enjoy hiking, bird watching, nature photography and we do a lot of it, and we meet other people who are into it as much as we are and we've made some good friends that way. Some of them are older, but that doesn't seem to matter. Frankly most people our age are still dealing with their children, even if their children are starting to leave the nest. IMO a hobby or two that you really enjoy and then reach out to others who are into it - that's one of the best way to meet people you are compatible with.

Of course, DH and I are perpetual travelers too, so that keeps things hopping and we meet a lot of people while traveling which provides sort of a transient social network but it works, and we have people all around the country we keep in contact with.

BTW - We couldn't wait to get out of our city suburb when we retired. Empty during the day, it seemed kind of sterile. Something we didn't really notice while working. But we didn't rely on our neighbors for our social network either. Out in the more rural areas and smaller towns there just seem to be a lot more people out doing stuff during the day.

Audrey

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

I second the dance lesson advice. I just went back for the first lesson in almost 2 years, and it was just as much with a bunch of strangers as it was with my MBA classmates. I find the lessons infinitely better than hanging out at a bar.

 

[Boxkicker]

Since I ER'd I have been officiating basketball games and soon will be doing baseball. Its fun!

 

[Gpond]

I enjoy going to the library, attend 2 yoga classes a week, 1 spin class a week, take at home piano lessons, guitar and Spanish lessons once per week.

Before I ERed I wished I was able to sleep in. Now I wake up at 6am no matter what time I go to bed. I do appreciate being able to grocery shopping at 10am on Mondays rather then trying to shop with the herd on weekends.

I have set up this years vacation trips. Going to Reno next week for 2 weeks, Peru/Mexico in March for 2 weeks, Egypt in April for 2 weeks, Netherlands in June for 3 weeks and a little ship 11 day cruise down the East Coast of the U.S. in August. We probably reduce the vacations next year - I love to go to different places but hate to travel to get there.

 

[sander06]

Tis always the dilemma, how to fill your days between cradle and grave (early retired or not). My own personal observation based on years of living as a curmudgeon is that the majority of people "retire" in their late twenties, cease to "live" in their thirties, and finally get buried after their bodies finally give up. Having said that, I don't care to associate with people just because I happen to be a social animal as determined by evolution. By and large, those few individuals seeking to live life to its fullest are hard to find and, generally, aren't advertising the fact.

So what's the answer. I wouldn't have a clue, but I am open to suggestions!

 

[W2R]

By and large, those few individuals seeking to live life to its fullest are hard to find and, generally, aren't advertising the fact.

So what's the answer. I wouldn't have a clue, but I am open to suggestions!

I think you put your finger on the problem, and that is a huge first step.

The solution that comes to mind is to make sure that through your activities, you experience repeated contact with numerous people with interests similar to your own (since those you want to meet are few and far between). Consider that to be your job.

Realize that it may take a while to meet those you seek. So while you are faithfully making the above efforts, live and enjoy your life and learn to be happy and fulfilled independent of others. This serves a dual purpose: (1) you will get more out of life in the meantime and at future times should you end up alone again, and (2) your happiness and independence will make you more appealing to such people when you meet them.

(I always wanted to be "Dear Abby".... love it when people ask for suggestions!)

 

[jug]

I tried semi-retirement with my "lifestyle" business over the past five years (2 weeks work, 2 weeks slacking off or on vacation) and I honestly found it sort of depressing. During the day, the only people "out" around town are the elderly, housewives and I suppose the chronically unemployed. All my friends, neighbors and peers were at work, of course. It felt lonely.

Vacations were similar, it was usually me and a whole lot of conventional retirees -- mainly old people hobbling around. And yes I'm going to be there one day myself and yes they're very interesting to talk with and had great stories, but really... does ER mean I would have to spend the rest of my life with a bunch of really old people? Or was I just picking the wrong places?

So where do all the early retirees tend to loiter? Ski slopes? Europe? Where are you all?

Most people are working. If you ER, you are younger than the "hang around" crowd, this is what I'm experiencing.

So what to do?

Well, sit back, dream a bit, think of what you'd never tried, push yourself out the door and do it. Action begets action. Inaction perpetuates itself.
Not that there is anything wrong with laying around watching telly, if that is what you like.

I also get depressed, suffer from the clinical stuff, and I know very well that I can fall into a bad funk if I don't put my hand on my back, and push myself out the door. I hang out with old, young, weird, not so weird, all sorts.

Feeling of the blues are probably normal when you are used to being in the middle of something perceived as meaningful, such as w--k.

Each day, push yourself to try something new, meet someone new, do something new.

Jug
Who knew?

 

[freebird5825]

Most people are working. If you ER, you are younger than the "hang around" crowd, this is what I'm experiencing.
So what to do?

Feeling of the blues are probably normal when you are used to being in the middle of something perceived as meaningful, such as w--k.

Each day, push yourself to try something new, meet someone new, do something new.
Jug
Who knew?

I'm in the same boat, FIREd at 48, now 50.
I never found w*rk to be truly meaningful, outside of providing a means to pay bills, have fun on the weekends, and save for retirement.
Day-to-day: In the heavy duty snowbelt I live in, it is very easy to look outside and decide you just want to stay inside and warm. I've learned to entertain myself with a variety of mental activities and of course basic household stuff. I do get bored once in a while.
Once the snow melts and weather is more stable, my list of outdoor "things to do" will be possible.
Overall, the trick is to set a daily "schedule" for yourself. I try to accomplish 1 productive chore a day (for myself or dh2b) and use the rest of the time goofing off.
Productive items include laundry, ordering parts for household repair jobs, grocery shopping, learning more about benefits, planning dinner, reading about a new topic online, etc.
Goofing off consists of listening to music, posting here, going to lunch with the still enslaved (w*rking), researching cold hardy grape varieties for the garden, etc.
If you need more people contact, volunteer during the day. There is a real shortage of people willing to help out for no pay. I select only very short term projects so my total time commitment is always under my control. Get your name out there and the requests will happen.

 

[ls99]

Can't add a lot more to the list. Perhaps my view may trigger something.

In an earlier post freebird hit the key IMHO. One must like their own company first.
Depending on others for fulfillment can be a long and frustrating wait.

That said having curiosity, willingness to try whatever (in truest sense) for fun of it often leads to encounters. What if any relationship develops is usually unpredictable. Expecting good outcomes leads to disappointments, expecting adventure puts things in a better perspective.

But above all you must like your own company, there will be a lot of time spent with yourself.

In my case I always liked solitude, I know that being alone is not being lonely. I had tremendous amount of adventures, most as lark, yet were all paid for by some employer or uncle sam who needed the skills and the willingness to take sometimes unpleasant assignments.

Along the way met many people from all walks of life, some thoroughly unpleasant to put it mildly, most who were likable, yet also liked their solitude, the gregarious hail fellow well met types, the monied and paupers, brahmins and the untouchables.

My adventures have been printed as movies in my mind. I can be anywhere in a moment and "see" the past event. Figure when I'm tied w to a rocking chair, I will still have movies to play for every waking hour and not have to watch same twice. Though there are many that are well worth re-playing. Of course there is always the chance as joke goes "the mind goes first" to which I say let's hope so, for then I'll have no problems to deal with.


So get out there do stuff that is unfamiliar, out of your zone of comfort.

Just for an outrageous example: though it was long ago I did sleep on the sidewalks in Colombo Ceylon (now called Sri Lanka) no I was not drunk

visited both the Hindu and Muslim neighborhoods. Unescorted. Also did gravity measurements (yes people do do that sort of stuff) in the same city. Have you seen the Buddha's tooth? Was kept in Kandy.